THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 


A  Young  Girl's  Diary 


Prefaced  with  a  Letter  by 

Sigmund  Freud 


Translated  by 

Eden   and  Cedar   Paul 


New  York 

THOMAS  SELTZER 

1921 


COPYRIGHT,    1921,  BY 
THOMAS    SELTZER,    INC 


All  rights  reserved 


Printed  in  the   United  States  of  America 


H«. 

ri 

7*4 

CONTENTS 

First  Year    . 

•          •          • 

• 

• 

Age  11  to  12 

Second  Year 

•                i  ■            3 

i 

s 

Age  12  to  13 

Third  Year  . 

*                S 

s 

s 

Age  13  to  14 

Last  Half-Year 

i 

i 

• 

Age  14  to  14*4 

Conclusion    . 

•                •                i 

• 

• 

PAGE 
.       11 


.     73 


.  147 


.  229 


.  285 


'>??' 


*-. 


PREFACE 

The  best  preface  to  this  journal  written  by  a  young 
girl  belonging  to  the  upper  middle  class  is  a  letter 
by  Sigmund  Freud  dated  April  27,  1915,  a  letter 
wherein  the  distinguished  Viennese  psychologist  testi- 
fies to  the  permanent  value  of  the  document: 

"This  diary  is  a  gem.  Never  before,  I  believe,  has 
anything  been  written  enabling  us  to  see  so  clearly 
into  the  soul  of  a  young  girl,  belonging  to  our  social 
and  cultural  stratum,  during  the  years  of  puberal 
development.  We  are  shown  how  the  sentiments  pass 
from  the  simple  egoism  of  childhood  to  attain  matur- 
ity; how  the  relationships  to  parents  and  other  mem- 
bers of  the  family  first  shape  themselves,  and  how 
they  gradually  become  more  serious  and  more  inti- 
mate; how  friendships  are  formed  and  broken.  We 
are  shown  the  dawn  of  love,  feeling  out  towards  its 
first  objects.  Above  all,  we  are  shown  how  the  mys- 
tery of  the  sexual  life  first  presses  itself  vaguely  on 
the  attention,  and  then  takes  entire  possession  of  the 
growing  intelligence,  so  that  the  child  suffers  under 
the  load  of  secret  knowledge  but  gradually  becomes 
enabled  to  shoulder  the  burden.  Of  all  these  things 
we  have  a  description  at  once  so  charming,  so  serious, 
and  so  artless,  that  it  cannot  fail  to  be  of  supreme 
interest  to  educationists  and  psychologists. 

"It  is  certainly  incumbent  on  you  to  publish  the 
diary.  All  students  of  my  own  writings  will  be  grate- 
ful to  you." 


8  PREFACE 

In  preparing  these  pages  for  the  press,  the  editor 
has  toned  down  nothing,  has  added  nothing,  and  has 
suppressed  nothing.  The  only  alterations  she  has 
made  have  been  such  as  were  essential  to  conceal  the 
identity  of  the  writer  and  of  other  persons  mentioned 
in  the  document.  Consequently,  surnames,  Christian 
names,  and  names  of  places,  have  been  changed. 
These  modifications  have  enabled  the  original  author 
of  the  diary  to  allow  me  to  place  it  at  the  free  disposal 
of  serious  readers. 

No  attempt  has  been  made  to  correct  trifling  faults 
in  grammar  and  other  inelegancies  of  style.  For  the 
most  part,  these  must  not  be  regarded  as  the  expres- 
sion of  a  child's  incapacity  for  the  control  of  language. 
Rather  must  they  be  looked  upon  as  manifestations  of 
affective  trends,  as  errors  in  functioning  brought 
about  by  the  influence  of  the  Unconscious. 

THE  EDITOR. 

Vienna,  Autumn,  1919. 


FIRST   YEAR 

AGE  ELEVEN  TO  TWELVE 


FIRST   YEAR 

July  12,  19  .  .  .  Hella  and  I  are  writing  a  diary. 
We  both  agreed  that  when  we  went  to  the  high  school 
we  would  write  a  diary  every  day.  Dora  keeps  a 
diary  too,  but  she  gets  furious  if  I  look  at  it.  I  call 
Helene  "Hella,"  and  she  calls  me  "Rita;"  Helene  and 
Grete  are  so  vulgar.  Dora  has  taken  to  calling  herself 
"Thea,"  but  I  go  on  calling  her  "Dora."  She  says 
that  little  children  (she  means  me  and  Hella)  ought 
not  to  keep  a  diary.  She  says  they  will  write  such  a 
lot  of  nonsense.    No  more  than  in  hers  and  Lizzi's. 

July  13th.  Really  we  were  not  to  begin  writing 
until  after  the  holidays,  but  since  we  are  both  going 
away,  we  are  beginning  now.  Then  we  shall  know 
what  we  have  been  doing  in  the  holidays. 

The  day  before  yesterday  we  had  an  entrance 
examination,  it  was  very  easy,  in  dictation  I  made 
only  1  mistake  —  writing  ihn  without  h.  The  mistress 
said  that  didn't  matter,  I  had  only  made  a  slip.  That 
is  quite  true,  for  I  know  well  enough  that  ihn  has 
an  h  in  it.  We  were  both  dressed  in  white  with  rose- 
coloured  ribbons,  and  everyone  believed  we  were 
sisters  or  at  least  cousins.  It  would  be  very  nice  to 
have  a  cousin.  But  it's  still  nicer  to  have  a  friend, 
for  we  can  tell  one  another  everything. 

July  14th.    The  mistress  was  very  kind.    Because 

of  her  Hella  and  I  are  really  sorry  that  we  are  not 

going  to  a  middle  school.     Then  every  day  before 

lessons  began  we  could  have  had  a  talk  with  her  in 

the  class-room.     But  we're  awfully  pleased  because 

li 


12  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

of  the  other  girls.  One  is  more  important  when  one 
goes  to  the  high  school  instead  of  only  to  the  middle 
school.  That  is  why  the  girls  are  in  such  a  rage. 
"They  are  bursting  with  pride"  (that's  what  my 
sister  says  of  me  and  Hella,  but  it  is  not  true).  "Our 
two  students"  said  the  mistress  when  we  came  away. 
She  told  us  to  write  to  her  from  the  country.    I  shall. 

July  15th.  Lizzi,  Hella's  sister,  is  not  so  horrid 
as  Dora,  she  is  always  so  nice!  To-day  she  gave 
each  of  us  at  least  ten  chocolate-creams.  It's  true 
Hella  often  says  to  me:  "You  don't  know  her,  what 
a  beast  she  can  be.  Your  sister  is  generally  very 
nice  to  me."  Certainly  it  is  very  funny  the  way  in 
which  she  always  speaks  of  us  as  "the  little  ones" 
or  "the  children,"  as  if  she  had  never  been  a  child 
herself,  and  indeed  a  much  littler  one  than  we  are. 
Besides  we're  just  the  same  as  she  is  now.  She  is  in 
the  fourth  class  and  we  are  in  the  first. 

To-morrow  we  are  going  to  Kaltenbach  in  Tyrol. 
I'm  frightfully  excited.  Hella  went  away  to-day  to 
Hungary  to  her  uncle  and  aunt  with  her  mother  and 
Lizzi.    Her  father  is  at  manoeuvres. 

July  19th.  It's  awfully  hard  to  write  every  day 
in  the  holidays.  Everything  is  so  new  and  one  has 
no  time  to  write.  We  are  living  in  a  big  house  in 
the  forest.  Dora  bagged  the  front  veranda  straight 
off  for  her  own  writing.  At  the  back  of  the  house 
there  are  such  swarms  of  horrid  little  flies;  every- 
thing is  black  with  flies.  I  do  hate  flies  and  such 
things.  I'm  not  going  to  put  up  with  being  driven 
out  of  the  front  veranda.  I  won't  have  it.  Besides, 
Father  said:  "Don't  quarrel,  children!"  (Children 
to  her  too ! ! )  He's  quite  right.  She  puts  on  such 
airs  because  she'll  be  fourteen  in  October.  "The 
verandas     are     common     property,"     said     Father. 


FIRST  YEAR  13 

Father's  always  so  just.  He  never  ±ets  Dora  lord 
it  over  me,  but  Mother  often  makes  a  favourite  of 
Dora.  I'm  writing  to  Hella  to-day.  She's  not  written 
to  me  yet. 

July  21st.  Hella  has  written  to  me,  4  pages,  and 
such  a  jolly  letter.  I  don't  know  what  I  should  do 
without  her!  Perhaps  she  will  come  here  in  August 
or  perhaps  I  shall  go  to  stay  with  her.  I  think  I 
would  rather  go  to  stay  with  her.  I  like  paying  long 
visits.  Father  said:  "We'll  see,"  and  that  means 
he'll  let  me  go.  When  Father  and  Mother  say  We'll 
see  it  really  means  Yes;  but  they  wTon't  say  "yes" 
so  that  if  it  does  not  come  off  one  can't  say  that  they 
haven't  kept  their  word.  Father  really  lets  me  do 
anything  I  like,  but  not  Mother.  Still,  if  I  practise 
my  piano  regularly  perhaps  she'll  let  me  go.  I  must 
go  for  a  walk. 

July  22nd.  Hella  wrote  that  I  positively  must 
write  every  day,  for  one  must  keep  a  promise  and  we 
swore  to  write  every  day.    I.     .    .    . 

July  23  rd.  It's  awful.  One  has  no  time.  Yester- 
day when  I  wanted  to  write  the  room  had  to  be  cleaned 
and  D.  was  in  the  arbour.  Before  that  I  had  not 
written  a  single  word  and  in  the  front  veranda  all 
my  pages  blew  away.  We  write  on  loose  pages.  Hella 
thinks  it's  better  because  then  one  does  not  have  to 
tear  anything  out.  But  we  have  promised  one  another 
to  throw  nothing  away  and  not  to  tear  anything  up. 
Why  should  we?  One  can  tell  a  friend  everything. 
A  pretty  friend  if  one  couldn't.  Yesterday  when  I 
wanted  to  go  into  the  arbour  Dora  glared  at  me 
savagely,  saying  What  do  you  wTant?  As  if  the 
arbour  belonged  to  her,  just  as  she  wanted  to  bag 
the  front  veranda  all  for  herself.    She's  too  sickening. 

Yesterday  afternoon  wTe  were  on  the  Kolber-Kogel. 


14  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

It  was  lovely.  Father  was  awfully  jolly  and  we 
pelted  one  another  with  pine-cones.  It  was  jolly. 
I  threw  one  at  Dora  and  it  hit  her  on  her  padded  bust. 
She  let  out  such  a  yell  and  I  said  out  loud  You  couldn't 
feel  it  there.  As  she  went  by  she  said  Pig!  It  doesn't 
matter,  for  I  know  she  understood  me  and  that  what 
I  said  was  true.  I  should  like  to  know  what  she 
writes  about  every  day  to  Erika  and  what  she  writes 
in  her  diary.  Mother  was  out  of  sorts  and  stayed  at 
home. 

July  24th.  To-day  is  Sunday.  I  do  love  Sundays. 
Father  says:  You  children  have  Sundays  every  day. 
That's  quite  true  in  the  holidays,  but  not  at  other 
times.  The  peasants  and  their  wives  and  children 
are  all  very  gay,  wearing  Tyrolese  dresses,  just  like 
those  I  have  seen  in  the  theatre.  We  are  wearing 
our  white  dresses  to-day,  and  I  have  made  a  great 
cherrystain  upon  mine,  not  on  purpose,  but  because 
I  sat  down  upon  some  fallen  cherries.  So  this  after- 
noon when  we  go  out  walking  I  must  wear  my  pink 
dress.  All  the  better,  for  I  don't  care  to  be  dressed 
exactly  the  same  as  Dora.  I  don't  see  why  everyone 
should  know  that  we  are  sisters.  Let  people  think  we 
are  cousins.  She  does  not  like  it  either;  I  wish  I 
knew  why. 

Oswald  is  coming  in  a  week,  and  I  am  awfully 
pleased.  He  is  older  than  Dora,  but  I  can  always  get 
on  with  him.  Hella  writes  that  she  finds  it  dull  with- 
out me;  so  do  I. 

July  25th.  I  wrote  to  Fraulein  Priickl  to-day. 
She  is  staying  at  Achensee.  I  should  like  to  see  her. 
Every  afternoon  we  bathe  and  then  go  for  a  walk. 
But  to-day  it  has  been  raining  all  day.  Such  a  bore. 
I  forgot  to  bring  my  paint-box  and  I'm  not  allowed 
to  read  all  day.    Mother  says,  if  you  gobble  all  your 


FIRST  YEAR  15 

books  up  now  you'll  have  nothing  left  to  read.  That's 
quite  true,  but  I  can't  even  go  and  swing. 

Afternoon.  I  must  write  some  more.  I've  had  a 
frightful  row  with  Dora.  She  says  I've  been  fiddling 
with  her  things.  It's  all  because  she's  so  untidy. 
As  if  her  things  could  interest  me.  Yesterday  she 
left  her  letter  to  Erika  lying  about  on  the  table,  and 
all  I  read  was:  He's  as  handsome  as  a  Greek  god. 
I  don't  know  who  ''he"  was  for  she  came  in  at  that 
moment.  It's  probably  Krail  Rudi,  with  whom  she 
is  everlastingly  playing  tennis  and  carries  on  like 
anything.  As  for  handsome  —  well,  there's  no  ac- 
counting for  tastes. 

July  26th.  It's  a  good  thing  I  brought  my  dolls' 
portmanteau.  Mother  said:  You'll  be  glad  to  have 
it  on  rainy  days.  Of  course  I'm  much  too  old  to  play 
with  dolls,  but  even  though  I'm  111  can  make  dolls' 
clothes  still.  One  learns  something  while  one  is  doing 
it,  and  when  I've  finished  something  I  do  enjoy  it  so. 
Mother  cut  me  out  some  things  and  I  was  tacking 
them  together.  Then  Dora  came  into  the  room  and 
said  Hullo,  the  child  is  sewing  things  for  her  dolls. 
What  cheek,  as  if  she  had  never  played  with  dolls. 
Besides,  I  don't  really  play  with  dolls  any  longer. 
When  she  sat  down  beside  me  I  sewed  so  vigorously 
that  I  made  a  great  scratch  on  her  hand,  and  said: 
Oh,  I'm  so  sorry,  but  you  came  too  close.  I  hope 
she'll  know  why  I  really  did  it.  Of  course  she'll 
go  and  sneak  to  Mother.  Let  her.  What  right  has 
she  to  call  me  child.  She's  got  a  fine  red  scratch  any- 
how, and  on  her  right  hand  where  everyone  can  see. 

July  27th.  There's  such  a  lot  of  fruit  here.  I 
eat  raspberries  and  gooseberries  all  day  and  Mother 
says  that  is  why  I  have  no  appetite  for  dinner.  But 
Dr.  Klein  always  says  Fruit  is  so  wholesome.     But 


16  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

why  should  it  be  unwholesome  all  at  once?  Hella 
always  says  that  when  one  likes  anything  awfully 
much  one  is  always  scolded  about  it  until  one  gets 
perfectly  sick  of  it.  Hella  often  gets  in  such  a  temper 
with  her  mother,  and  then  her  mother  says:  We 
make  such  sacrifices  for  our  children  and  they  reward 
us  with  ingratitude.  I  should  like  to  know  what 
sacrifices  they  make.  I  think  it's  the  children  who 
make  the  sacrifices.  When  I  want  to  eat  gooseberries 
and  am  not  allowed  to,  the  sacrifice  is  mine  not 
Mother's.  I've  written  all  this  to  Hella.  Fraulein 
Priickl  has  written  to  me.  The  address  on  her  letter 
to  me  was  splendid,  "Fraulein  Grete  Lainer,  Lyzeal- 
schulerin."  Of  course  Dora  had  to  know  better  than 
anyone  else,  and  said  that  in  the  higher  classes  from 
the  fourth  upwards  (because  she  is  in  the  fourth) 
they  write  "Lyzeistin."  She  said:  "Anyhow,  in  the 
holidays,  before  a  girl  has  attended  the  first  class 
she's  not  a  Lyzealschulerin  at  all."  Then  Father 
chipped  in,  saying  that  we  (I  didn't  begin  it)  really 
must  stop  this  eternal  wrangling;  he  really  could 
not  stand  it.  He's  quite  right,  but  what  he  said 
won't  do  any  good,  for  Dora  will  go  on  just  the  same. 
Fraulein  Priickl  wrote  that  she  was  delighted  that  I 
had  written.  As  soon  as  I  have  time  she  wants  me 
to  write  to  her  again.  Great  Scott,  I've  always  time 
for  her.  I  shall  write  to  her  again  this  evening  after 
supper,  so  as  not  to  keep  her  waiting. 

July  29th.  I  simply  could  not  write  yesterday. 
The  Warths  have  arrived,  and  I  had  to  spend  the 
whole  day  with  Erna  and  Liesel,  although  it  rained 
all  day.  We  had  a  ripping  time.  They  know  a  lot 
of  round  games  and  we  played  for  sweets.  I  won 
47,  and  I  gave  five  of  them  to  Dora.  Robert  is  already 
more  than  a  head  taller  than  we  are,  I  mean  than 


FIRST  YEAR  17 

Liesel  and  me ;  I  think  he  is  fifteen.  He  says  Fraulein 
Grete  and  carried  ray  cloak  which  Mother  sent  me  be- 
cause of  the  rain  and  he  saw  me  home  after  supper. 

To-morrow  is  my  birthday  and  everyone  has  been 
invited  and  Mother  has  made  strawberry  cream  and 
waffles.     How  spiffing. 

July  30th.  To-day  is  my  birthday.  Father  gave 
me  a  splendid  parasol  with  a  flowered  border  and 
painting  materials  and  Mother  gave  me  a  huge  post- 
card album  for  800  cards  and  stories  for  school  girls, 
and  Dora  gave  me  a  beautiful  box  of  notepaper  and 
Mother  had  made  a  chocolate-cream  cake  for  dinner 
to-day  as  well  as  the  strawberry  cream.  The  first 
thing  in  the  morning  the  Warths  sent  me  three  birth- 
day cards.  And  Robert  had  written  on  his:  With 
deepest  respect  your  faithful  R.  It  is  glorious  to  have 
a  birthday,  everyone  is  so  kind,  even  Dora.  Oswald 
sent  me  a  wooden  paper-knife,  the  handle  is  a  dragon 
and  the  blade  shoots  out  of  its  mouth  instead  of  flame ; 
or  perhaps  the  blade  is  its  tongue,  one  can't  be  quite 
sure.  It  has  not  rained  yet  on  my  birthday.  Father 
says  I  was  born  under  a  lucky  star.  That  suits  me 
all  right,  tip  top. 

July  31st.  Yesterday  was  heavenly.  We  laughed 
till  our  sides  ached  over  Consequences.  I  was  always 
being  coupled  with  Robert  and  oh  the  things  we  did 
together,  not  really  of  course  but  only  in  writing: 
kissed,  hugged,  lost  in  the  forest,  bathed  together; 
but  I  say,  I  wouldn't  do  that!  quarrelled.  That 
won't  happen,  it's  quite  impossible!  Then  we  drank 
my  health  clinking  glasses  five  times  and  Robert 
wanted  to  drink  it  in  wine  but  Dora  said  that  would 
never  do!  The  real  trouble  was  this.  She  always 
gets  furious  if  she  has  to  play  second  fiddle  to  me 
and  yesterday  I  was  certainly  first  fiddle. 


18  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Now  I  must  write  a  word  about  to-day.  We've 
had  a  splendid  time.  We  were  in  Tiefengraben  with 
the  Warths  where  there  are  such  a  lot  of  wild  straw- 
berries. Robert  picked  all  the  best  of  them  for  me, 
to  the  great  annoyance  of  Dora  who  had  to  pick 
them  for  herself.  Really  I  would  rather  pick  them  for 
myself,  but  when  some  one  else  picks  them  for  one 
for  love  (that's  what  Robert  said)  then  one  is  quite 
glad  to  have  them  picked  for  one.  Besides,  I  did 
pick  some  myself  and  gave  most  of  them  to  Father 
and  some  to  Mother.  At  afternoon  tea  which  we 
had  in  Flischberg  I  had  to  sit  beside  Erna  instead 
of  Robert.  Erna  is  rather  dull.  Mother  says  she  is 
anemic;  that  sounds  frightfully  interesting,  but  I 
don't  quite  know  what  it  means.  Dora  is  always 
saying  that  she  is  anemic,  but  of  course  that  is  not 
true.  And  Father  always  says  "Don't  talk  such  stuff, 
you're  as  fit  as  a  fiddle."  That  puts  her  in  such  a 
wax.  Last  year  Lizzi  was  really  anemic,  so  the  doctor 
said,  she  was  always  having  palpitation  and  had  to 
take  iron  and  drink  Burgundy.  I  think  that's  where 
Dora  got  the  idea. 

August  1st.  Hella  is  rather  cross  with  me  because 
I  wrote  and  told  her  that  I  had  spent  the  whole  day 
with  the  W's.  Still,  she  is  really  my  only  friend  or 
I  should  not  have  written  and  told  her.  Every  year 
in  the  country  she  has  another  friend  too,  but  that 
doesn't  put  me  out.  I  can't  understand  why  she 
doesn't  like  Robert;  she  doesn't  know  anything  about 
him  except  what  I  have  written  and  certainly  that 
was  nothing  but  good.  Of  course  she  does  know  him 
for  he  is  a  cousin  of  the  Sernigs  and  she  met  him  once 
there.  But  one  does  not  get  to  know  a  person  from 
seeing  them  once.  Anyhow  she  does  not  know  him 
the  way  I  do.     Yesterday   I   was   with   the   Warths 


FIRST  YEAR  19 

all  day.  We  played  Place  for  the  King  and  Robert 
caught  me  and  I  had  to  give  him  a  kiss.  And  Erna 
said,  that  doesn't  count,  for  I  had  let  myself  be  caught. 
But  Robert  got  savage  and  said:  Erna  is  a  perfect 
nuisance,  she  spoils  everyone's  pleasure.  He's  quite 
right,  but  there's  some  one  else  just  as  bad.  But  I 
do  hope  Erna  has  not  told  Dora  about  the  kiss.  If 
she  has  everyone  will  know  and  I  shouldn't  like  that. 
I  lay  in  wait  for  Erna  with  the  sweets  which  Aunt 
Dora  sent  us.  Robert  and  Liesel  and  I  ate  the  rest. 
They  were  so  good  and  nearly  all  large  ones.  At 
first  Robert  wanted  to  take  quite  a  little  one,  but 
I  said  he  must  only  have  a  big  one.  After  that  he 
always  picked  out  the  big  ones.  When  I  came  home 
in  the  evening  with  the  empty  box  Father  laughed 
and  said:  There's  nothing  mean  about  our  Gretel. 
Besides,  Mother  still  has  a  great  box  full;  I  have  no 
idea  whether  Dora  still  has  a  lot,  but  I  expect  so. 

August  2nd.  Oswald  arrived  this  afternoon  at 
5.  He's  a  great  swell  now;  he's  begun  to  grow  a 
moustache.  In  the  evening  Father  took  him  to  the 
hotel  to  introduce  him  to  some  friends.  He  said  it 
would  be  an  awful  bore,  but  he  will  certainly  make 
a  good  impression  especially  in  his  new  tourist  get- 
up  and  leather  breeches.  Grandmama  and  Grandpapa 
sent  love  to  all.  I've  never  seen  them.  They  have 
sent  a  lot  of  cakes  and  sweets  and  Oswald  grumbled 
no  end  because  he  had  to  bring  them.  Oswald  is 
always  smoking  cigarettes  and  Father  said  to  him: 
Come  along  old  chap,  we'll  go  to  the  inn  and  have  a 
drink  on  the  strength  of  your  good  report.  It  seems 
to  me  rather  funny;  no  one  wants  to  drink  anything 
when  Dora  and  I  have  a  good  report,  at  most  they 
give  us  a  present.  Oswald  has  only  Twos  and  Threes 
and  very  few  Ones  and  in  Greek  nothing  but  Satis- 


20  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

factory,  but  I  have  nothing  but  Ones.  He  said  some- 
thing to  Father  in  Latin  and  Father  laughed  heartily 
and  said  something  I  could  not  understand.  I  don't 
think  it  was  Latin,  but  it  may  have  been  Magyar  or 
English.  Father  knows  nearly  all  languages,  even 
Czech,  but  thank  goodness  he  doesn't  talk  them  unless 
he  wants  to  tease  us.  Like  that  time  at  the  station 
when  Dora  and  I  were  so  ashamed.  Czech  is  horrid, 
Mother  says  so  too.  When  Robert  pretends  to  speak 
Czech  it's  screamingly  funny. 

August  3rd.  I  got  a  chill  bathing  the  other  day 
so  now  I  am  not  allowed  to  bathe  for  a  few  days. 
Robert  keeps  me  company.  We  are  quite  alone  and 
he  tells  me  all  sorts  of  tales.  He  swings  me  so  high 
that  I  positively  yell.  To-day  he  made  me  really 
angry,  for  he  said:  Oswald  is  a  regular  noodle.  I 
said,  that's  not  true,  boys  can  never  stand  one  an- 
other. Besides,  it  is  not  true  that  he  lisps.  Anyhow  I 
like  Oswald  much  better  than  Dora  who  always  says 
"the  children"  when  she  is  talking  of  me  and  of  Hella 
and  even  of  Robert.  Then  he  said:  Dora  is  just  as 
big  a  goose  as  Erna.  He's  quite  right  there.  Robert 
says  he  is  never  going  to  smoke,  that  it  is  so  vulgar, 
that  real  gentlemen  never  smoke.  But  what  about 
Father,  I  should  like  to  know?  He  says,  too,  that  he 
will  never  grow  a  beard  but  will  shave  every  day  and 
his  wife  will  have  to  put  everything  straight  to  him. 
But  a  beard  suits  Father  and  I  can't  imagine  him 
without  a  beard.  I  know  I  won't  marry  a  man  with- 
out a  beard. 

August  5th.  We  go  to  the  tennis  ground  every 
day.  When  we  set  off  yesterday,  Robert  and  I  and 
Liesel  and  Erna  and  Rene,  Dora  called  after  us: 
The  bridal  pair  in  spee.  She  had  picked  up  the 
phrase  from  Oswald.    I  think  it  means  in  a  hundred 


FIRST  YEAR  21 

years.  She  can  wait  a  hundred  years  if  she  likes,  we 
shan't.  Mother  scolded  her  like  anything  and  said 
she  mustn't  say  such  stupid  things.  A  good  job  too; 
in  spee,  in  spee.  Now  we  always  talk  of  her  as  Inspee, 
but  no  one  knows  who  we  mean. 

August  6th.  Hella  can't  come  here,  for  she  is  going 
to  Klausenburg  with  her  mother  to  stay  with  her 
other  uncle  who  is  district  judge  there  or  whatever 
they  call  a  district  judge  in  Hungary.  Whenever  I 
think  of  a  district  judge  I  think  of  District  Judge  T., 
such  a  hideous  man.  What  a  nose  and  his  wife  is  so 
lovely;  but  her  parents  forced  her  into  the  marriage. 
I  would  not  let  anyone  force  me  into  such  a  marriage, 
I  would  much  sooner  not  marry  at  all,  besides  she's 
awfully  unhappy. 

August  7th.  There  has  been  such  a  fearful  row 
about  Dora.  Oswald  told  Father  that  she  flirted 
so  at  the  tennis  court  and  he  could  not  stand  it. 
Father  was  in  a  towering  rage  and  now  we  mayn't 
play  tennis  any  more.  What  upset  her  more  than 
anything  was  that  Father  said  in  front  of  me:  This 
little  chit  of  14  is  already  encouraging  people  to  make 
love  to  her.  Her  eyes  were  quite  red  and  swollen 
and  she  couldn't  eat  anything  at  supper  because  she 
had  such  a  headache! !  We  know  all  about  her  head- 
aches. But  I  really  can't  see  why  I  shouldn't  go  and 
play  tennis. 

August  8th.  Oswald  says  that  it  wasn't  the 
student's  fault  at  all  but  only  Dora's.  I  can  quite 
believe  that  when  I  think  of  that  time  on  the  Southern 
Railway.  Still,  they  won't  let  me  play  tennis  any 
more,  though  I  begged  and  begged  Mother  to  ask 
Father  to  let  me.  She  said  it  would  do  no  good  for 
Father  was  very  angry  and  I  mustn't  spend  whole 
days  with  the  Warths  any  more.  Whole  days!  I 
should  like  to  know  when  I  was  a  whole  day  there. 


22  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

When  I  went  there  naturally  I  had  to  stay  to  dinner 
at  least.  What  have  I  got  to  do  with  Dora's  love 
affairs?  It's  really  too  absurd.  But  grown-ups  are 
always  like  that.  When  one  person  has  done  any- 
thing the  others  have  to  pay  for  it  too. 

August  9th.  Thank  goodness,  I  can  play  tennis 
once  more;  I  begged  and  begged  until  Father  let  me 
go.  Dora  declares  that  nothing  will  induce  her  to  ask ! 
That's  the  old  story  of  the  fox  and  the  grapes.  She 
has  been  playing  the  invalid  lately,  won't  bathe,  and 
stays  at  home  when  she  can  instead  of  going  for 
walks.  I  should  like  to  know  what's  the  matter  with 
her.  What  I  can't  make  out  is  why  Father  lets  her 
do  it.  As  for  Mother,  she  always  spoils  Dora;  Dora 
is  Mother's  favourite,  especially  when  Oswald  is  not 
on  hand.  I  can  understand  her  making  a  favourite 
of  Oswald,  but  not  of  Dora.  Father  always  says 
that  parents  have  no  favourites,  but  treat  all  their 
children  alike.  That's  true  enough  as  far  as  Father 
is  concerned,  although  Dora  declares  that  Father 
makes  a  favourite  of  me;  but  that's  only  her  fancy. 
At  Christmas  and  other  times  we  always  get  the  same 
sort  of  presents,  and  that's  the  real  test.  Rosa  Plank 
always  gets  at  least  three  times  as  much  as  the  rest 
of  the  family,  that's  what  it  is  to  be  a  favourite. 

August  12th.  I  can't  write  every  day  for  I  spend 
most  of  my  time  with  the  Warths.  Oswald  can't 
stand  Robert,  he  says  he  is  a  cad  and  a  greenhorn. 
What  vulgar  phrases.  For  three  days  I  haven't 
spoken  to  Oswald  except  when  I  really  had  to.  When 
I  told  Erna  and  Liesel  about  it,  they  said  that  brothers 
were  always  rude  to  their  sisters.  I  said,  I  should 
like  to  know  why.  Besides,  Robert  is  generally  very 
nice  to  his  sisters.  They  said,  Yes  before  you,  because 
he's  on  his  best  behaviour  with  you.     Yesterday  we 


FIRST  YEAR  23 

laughed  like  anything  when  he  told  us  what  fun  the 
boys  make  of  their  masters.  That  story  about  the 
cigarette  ends  was  screamingly  funny.  They  have  a 
society  called  T.  Au.  M.,  that  is  in  Latin  Be  Silent 
or  Die  in  initial  letters.  No  one  may  betray  the  so- 
ciety's secrets,  and  when  they  make  a  new  member 
he  has  to  strip  off  all  his  clothes  and  lie  down  naked 
and  every  one  spits  on  his  chest  and  rubs  it  and  says : 
Be  One  of  Us,  but  all  in  Latin.  Then  he  has  to  go 
to  the  eldest  and  biggest  who  gives  him  two  or  three 
cuts  with  a  cane  and  he  has  to  swear  that  he  will 
never  betray  anyone.  Then  everyone  smokes  a  cigar 
and  touches  him  with  the  lighted  end  on  the  arm 
or  somewhere  and  says:  Every  act  of  treachery  will 
burn  you  like  that.  And  then  the  eldest,  who  has 
a  special  name  which  I  can't  remember,  tattoos  on 
him  the  word  Taum,  that  is  Be  Silent  or  Die,  and  a 
heart  with  the  name  of  a  girl.  Robert  says  that  if 
he  had  known  me  sooner  he  would  have  chosen 
"Gretchen."  I  asked  him  what  name  he  had  tattooed 
on  him,  but  he  said  he  was  not  allowed  to  tell.  I 
shall  tell  Oswald  to  look  when  they  are  bathing  and 
to  tell  me.  In  this  society  they  abuse  the  masters 
frightfully  and  the  one  who  thinks  of  the  best  tricks 
to  play  on  them  is  elected  to  the  Rohon;  to  be  a 
Rohon  is  a  great  distinction  and  the  others  must  al- 
ways carry  out  his  orders.  He  said  there  was  a  lot 
more  which  he  couldn't  tell  me  because  it's  too 
tremendous.  Then  I  had  to  swear  that  I  would  never 
tell  anyone  about  the  society  and  he  wanted  me  to  take 
the  oath  upon  my  knees,  but  I  wouldn't  do  that  and 
he  nearly  forced  me  to  my  knees.  In  the  end  I  had 
to  give  him  my  hand  on  it  and  a  kiss.  I  didn't  mind 
giving  him  that,  for  a  kiss  is  nothing,  but  nothing 
would  induce  me  to  kneel  down.     Still,  I  was  in  an 


24  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

awful  fright,  for  we  were  quite  alone  in  the  garden 
and  he  took  me  by  the  throat  and  tried  to  force  me 
to  my  knees.  All  that  about  the  society  he  told  me 
when  we  were  quite  alone  for  he  said:  I  can't  have 
your  name  tattooed  on  me  because  it's  against  our 
laws  to  have  two  names  but  now  that  you  have  sworn 
I  can  let  you  know  what  I  really  am  and  think  in 
secret. 

I  couldn't  sleep  all  night  for  I  kept  on  dreaming 
of  the  society,  wondering  whether  there  are  such 
societies  in  the  high  school  and  whether  Dora  is  in 
a  society  and  has  a  name  tattooed  on  her.  But  it 
would  be  horrible  to  have  to  strip  naked  before  all 
one's  schoolfellows.  Perhaps  in  the  societies  of  the 
high-school  girls  that  part  is  left  out.  But  I  shouldn't 
like  to  say  for  sure  whether  I'd  have  Robert's  name 
tattooed  on  me. 

August  15th.  Yesterday  Robert  told  me  that  there 
are  some  schoolboy  societies  where  they  do  very  im- 
proper things,  but  that  never  happened  in  their  society. 
But  he  didn't  say  what.  I  said,  the  stripping  naked 
seems  to  me  awful;  but  he  said,  Oh,  that's  nothing, 
that  must  happen  if  we're  to  trust  one  another,  it's 
all  right  as  long  as  there's  nothing  improper.  I  wish 
I  knew  what.  I  wish  I  knew  whether  Oswald  knows 
about  it,  and  whether  he  is  in  such  a  society  or  in 
a  proper  one  and  whether  Father  was  in  one.  If  I 
could  only  find  out.  But  I  can't  ask,  for  if  I  did 
I  should  betray  Robert.  When  he  sees  me  he  always 
presses  my  left  wrist  without  letting  anyone  see.  He 
said  that  is  the  warning  to  me  to  be  silent.  But  he 
needn't  do  that  really,  for  I  never  would  betray  him 
whatever  happened.  He  said:  The  pain  is  to  bind 
you  to  me.  When  he  says  that  his  eyes  grow  dark, 
quite  black,  although  his  eyes  are  really  grey  and  they 


FIRST  YEAR  25 

get  very  large.  Especially  in  the  evening  when  we 
say  goodbye,  it  frightens  me.  I'm  always  dreaming 
of  him. 

August  18th.  Yesterday  evening  we  had  illumina- 
tions  in  honour  of  the  emperor's  birthday.  We  didn't 
get  home  until  half  past  twelve.  At  first  we  went 
to  a  concert  in  the  park  and  to  the  illuminations. 
They  fired  salutes  from  the  hills  and  there  were  bea- 
cons flaring  on  the  hill-tops;  it  was  rather  creepy  al- 
though it  was  wonderful.  My  teeth  chattered  once  or 
twice,  I  don't  know  whether  I  was  afraid  something 
would  happen  or  why  it  was.  Then  R.  came  and 
talked  such  a  lot.  He  is  set  on  going  into  the  army. 
For  that  he  needn't  learn  so  much,  and  what  he's  learn- 
ing now  is  of  no  use  to  him.  He  says  that  doesn't 
matter,  that  knowledge  will  give  him  a  great  pull.  I 
don't  think  he  looks  stupid,  though  Oswald  says  so  to 
make  me  angry.  All  at  once  we  found  ourselves  quite 
away  from  the  others  and  so  we  sat  on  a  bench  to  wait 
for  them.  Then  I  asked  R.  once  more  about  the  other 
societies,  the  ones  in  which  they  do  such  improper 
things.  But  he  wouldn't  tell  me  for  he  said  he  would 
not  rob  me  of  my  innocence.  I  thought  that  very 
stupid,  and  I  said  that  perhaps  he  didn't  know  himself 
and  it  was  all  put  on.  All  that  happened,  he  said, 
was  that  anyone  who  joined  the  society  was  tickled 
until  he  couldn't  stand  it  any  longer.  And  once  one 
of  them  got  St.  Vitus's  dance,  that  is  frightful  con- 
vulsions and  they  were  afraid  that  everything  would 
come  out.  And  since  then  in  their  society  no  more 
tickling  had  been  allowed.  Shall  I  tickle  you  a  little? 
I  don't  understand  you,  I  said,  and  anyhow  you 
daren't. 

He  gave  a  great  laugh  and  suddenly  he  seized  me 
and  tickled  me  under  the  arm.     It  made  me  want  to 


26  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

laugh  frightfully,  but  I  stifled  it  for  there  were  still 
lots  of  people  going  by.  So  he  gave  that  up  and 
tickled  my  hand.  I  liked  it  at  first,  but  then  I  got 
angry  and  dragged  my  hand  away.  Just  then  Inspee 
wTent  by  with  two  other  girls  and  directly  they  had 
passed  us  we  followed  close  behind  as  if  we  had  been 
walking  like  that  all  the  time.  It  saved  me  a  wigging 
from  Mother,  for  she  always  wants  us  all  to  keep  to- 
gether. As  we  went  along  R.  said:  Look  out,  Gretel, 
I'm  going  to  tickle  you  some  day  until  you  scream. — 
How  absurd,  I  won't  have  it,  it  takes  two  to  do  that. 

By  the  way,  in  the  raffle  I  won  a  vase  with  2  turtle- 
doves and  a  bag  of  sweets  and  R.  won  a  knife,  fork 
and  spoon.  That  annoyed  him  frightfully.  Inspee 
won  a  fountain  pen,  just  what  I  want,  and  a  mirror 
which  makes  one  look  a  perfect  fright.  A  good  job 
too,  for  she  fancies  herself  such  a  lot. 

August  29th.  O  dear,  such  an  awful  thing  has  hap- 
pened. I  have  lost  pages  30  to  34  from  my  diary. 
I  must  have  left  them  in  the  garden,  or  else  on  the 
Louisenhohe.  It's  positively  fiendish.  If  anyone  was 
to  find  them.  And  I  don't  know  exactly  what  there 
was  on  those  pages.  I  was  born  to  ill  luck.  If  I 
hadn't  promised  Hella  to  write  my  diary  every  day 
I  should  like  to  give  up  the  whole  thing.  Fancy  if 
Mother  were  to  get  hold  of  it,  or  even  Father.  And 
it's  raining  so  fearfully  to-day  that  I  can't  even  go 
into  the  garden  and  still  less  on  the  Louisenhohe  above 
all  not  alone.  I  must  have  lost  it  the  day  before  yes- 
terday, for  I  didn't  write  anything  yesterday  or  the 
day  before.  It  would  be  dreadful  if  anyone  were  to 
find  it.  I  am  so  much  upset  that  I  couldn't  eat  any- 
thing at  dinner,  although  we  had  my  favourite 
chocolate  cream  cake.  And  I'm  so  unhappy  for  Father 
was  quite  anxious   and  Mother  too  and   they  both 


FIRST  YEAR  27 

asked  what  was  the  matter  with  me  and  I  nearly 
burst  out  crying  before  everyone.  We  had  dinner  in 
the  hotel  to-day  because  Resi  had  gone  away  for  2 
days.  But  I  couldn't  cry  in  the  room  before  Father 
and  Mother  for  that  would  have  given  the  show  away. 
My  only  hope  is  that  no  one  will  recognise  my  writing, 
for  Hella  and  I  use  upright  writing  for  our  diary, 
first  of  all  so  that  no  one  may  recognise  our  writing 
and  secondly  because  upright  writing  doesn't  use  up 
so  much  paper  as  ordinary  writing.  I  do  hope  it 
will  be  fine  to-morrow  so  that  I  can  hunt  in  the  garden 
very  early.  I  have  been  utterly  in  the  dumps  all  day 
so  that  I  didn't  even  get  cross  when  Inspee  said: 
"Have  you  been  quarrelling  with  your  future  hus- 
band?" 

August  30th.  It's  not  in  the  garden.  I  begged 
Mother  to  let  us  go  to  Louisenhiitte  this  afternoon. 
Mother  was  awfully  nice  and  asked  what  I  was  so 
worried  about,  and  whether  anything  had  happened. 
Then  I  couldn't  keep  it  in  any  longer  and  burst  out 
crying.  Mother  said  I  must  have  lost  something, 
and  this  gave  me  an  awful  fright.  Mother  thought 
it  was  Hella's  letter,  the  one  which  came  on  Tuesday, 
so  I  said:  No,  much  worse  than  that,  my  diary. 
Mother  said:  Oh  well,  that's  not  such  a  terrible  loss, 
and  will  be  of  no  interest  to  anyone.  Oh  yes,  I  said, 
for  there  are  all  sorts  of  things  written  in  it  about 
R.  and  his  society.  Look  here,  Gretel,  said  Mother, 
I  don't  like  this  way  you  talk  about  R. ;  I  really  don't 
like  you  to  spend  all  your  time  with  the  Warths; 
they're  really  not  our  sort  and  R.  is  not  a  fit  com- 
panion for  you;  now  that  you  are  going  to  the  high 
school  you  are  not  a  little  girl  any  longer.  Promise 
me  that  you'll  not  be  eternally  with  the  Warths. —  All 
right,  Mother,  I  will  break  it  off  gradually  so  that 


28  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

nobody  will  notice.  She  burst  out  laughing  and  kissed 
me  on  both  cheeks  and  promised  me  to  say  nothing 
to  Inspee  about  the  diary  for  she  needn't  know  every- 
thing. Mother  is  such  a  dear.  Still  3  hours  and 
perhaps  the  pages  are  still  there. 

Evening.  Thank  goodness !  In  front  of  the  shelter 
I  found  2  pages  all  pulped  by  the  rain  and  the  writing 
all  run  and  one  page  was  in  the  footpath  quite  torn. 
Someone  must  have  trodden  on  it  with  the  heel  of 
his  boot  and  2  pages  had  been  rolled  into  a  spill  and 
partly  burned.  So  no  one  had  read  anything.  I  am 
so  happy.  And  at  supper  Father  said:  I  say,  why 
are  your  eyes  shining  with  delight?  Have  you  won 
the  big  prize  in  the  lottery?  and  I  pressed  Mother's 
foot  with  mine  to  remind  her  not  to  give  me  away 
and  Father  laughed  like  anything  and  said:  Seems 
to  me  there's  a  conspiracy  against  me  in  my  own 
house.  And  I  said  in  a  great  hurry:  Luckily  we're 
not  in  our  own  house  but  in  a  hotel,  and  everyone 
laughed  and  now  thank  goodness  it's  all  over.  Live 
and  learn.    I  won't  let  that  happen  again. 

August  31st.  Really  I'm  not  so  much  with  the  W's 
and  with  R.  I  think  he's  offended.  This  afternoon, 
when  I  went  there  to  tea,  he  seized  me  by  the  wrist 
and  said:  Your  father  is  right,  you're  a  witch.  "You 
need  a  castigation."  How  rude  of  him.  Besides,  I 
didn't  know  what  castigation  meant.  I  asked  Father 
and  he  told  me  and  asked  where  I  had  picked  up  the 
word.  I  said  I  had  passed  2  gentlemen  and  had  heard 
one  of  them  use  it.  What  I  really  thought  was  that 
castigation  meant  tickling.  But  it  is  really  horrid  to 
have  no  one  to  talk  to.  Most  of  the  people  have  gone 
already  and  we  have  only  a  week  longer.  About  that 
castigation  business.  I  don't  like  fibbing  to  Father, 
but  I  really  had  to.    I  couldn't  say  that  R.  wanted  to 


FIRST  YEAR  29 

give  me  a  castigation  when  I  didn't  know  what  it 
meant.  Dora  tells  a  lot  more  lies  than  I  do  and  I 
always  love  catching  her  in  a  lie  for  her  lies  are  so 
obvious.  I'm  never  caught.  It  only  happened  once 
when  Frau  Oberst  von  Stary  was  there.  Father 
noticed  that  time,  for  he  said:  You  little  rogue,  you 
tarradiddler! 

September  3rd.  Such  a  horrid  thing  has  happened. 
I  shall  never  speak  to  R.  again.  Oswald  is  quite 
right  in  calling  him  a  cad.  If  I  had  really  fallen  out 
of  the  swing  I  might  have  broken  my  leg  4  days  before 
we  have  to  start  from  home.  I  can't  make  out  how 
it  all  happened.  It  was  frightful  cheek  of  him  to 
tickle  me  as  he  did,  and  I  gave  him  such  a  kick.  I 
think  it  was  on  his  nose  or  his  mouth.  Then  he 
actually  dared  to  say:  After  all  I'm  well  paid  out, 
for  what  can  one  expect  when  one  keeps  company 
with  such  young  monkeys,  with  such  babies.  Fine 
talk  from  him  when  he's  not  14  himself  yet.  It  was 
all  humbug  about  his  being  15  and  he  seems  to  be 
one  of  the  idlest  boys  in  the  school,  never  anything 
but  Satisfactory  in  his  reports,  and  he's  not  in  the 
fifth  yet,  but  only  in  the  fourth.  Anyhow,  we've 
settled  our  accounts.  Cheeky  devil.  I  shall  never 
tell  anyone  about  it,  it  will  be  my  first  and  I  hope 
my  last  secret  from  Hella. 

September  6th.  We  are  going  home  to-morrow. 
The  last  few  days  have  been  awfully  dull.  I  saw 
R.  once  or  twice  but  I  always  looked  the  other  way. 
Father  asked  what  was  wrong  between  me  and  the 
Warths  and  R.,  so  that  our  great  friendship  had  been 
broken  off.  Of  course  I  had  to  fib,  for  it  was  absolutely 
impossible  to  tell  the  truth.  I  said  that  R.  found 
fault  with  everything  I  did,  my  writing,  my  reading 
aloud.     (That's  quite  true,  he  did  that  once)   and 


30  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Father  said:  Well,  well,  you'll  make  it  up  when  you 
say  goodbye  to-morrow.  Father  makes  a  great  mis- 
take.    I'll  never  speak  a  word  to  him  again. 

For  her  birthday,  although  it's  not  come  yet,  Dora 
is  to  have  a  navy  blue  silk  dustcloak.  I  don't  think 
the  colour  suits  her,  and  anyhow  she's  much  too  thin 
to  wear  a  dustcloak. 

September  14th.  Hella  came  back  the  day  before 
yesterday.  She  looks  splendid  and  she  says  I  do 
too.  I'm  so  glad  that  she's  back.  After  all  I  told  her 
about  R.  She  was  very  angry  and  said  I  ought  to 
have  given  him  2  more;  one  for  the  tickling  and 
one  for  the  "baby"  and  one  for  the  "young  monkey." 
If  we  should  happen  to  meet  him,  shan't  we  just  glare 
at  him. 

September  17th.  Inspee  has  really  got  the  silk 
dustcloak  but  I  think  the  tartan  hood  looks  rather 
silly.  Still,  I  didn't  say  so,  but  only  that  the  cloak 
fitted  beautifully.  She  has  tried  it  on  at  least  five 
times  already.  I  don't  know  whether  Father  really 
wants  to  treat  her  as  a  grown-up  lady  or  whether 
he  is  making  fun  of  her.  I  believe  he's  only  making 
fun.  She  doesn't  really  look  like  a  grown-up  lady. 
How  could  she  when  she's  not  14  yet?  Yesterday 
afternoon  such  a  lot  of  girls  were  invited,  and  of 
course  Hella  was  invited  on  my  account  and  we  had 
a  grand  talk.  But  most  of  them  bragged  frightfully 
about  the  country  where  they  said  they  had  been.  We 
were  9  girls.    But  Hella  is  the  only  one  I  care  about. 

September  21st.  School  begins  to-morrow.  By  the 
way,  we  have  agreed  to  call  it  Liz  [Lyzeum  =  High 
School]  and  not  School.     I'm  frightfully  curious. 

September  22nd,  19 — .  School  began  to-day.  Hella 
came  to  fetch  me  and  we  went  along  together.  Inspee 
peached  on  us  to  Mother,  saying  we  ran  on  in  front 


FIRST  YEAR  31 

of  her.  We  don't  want  her  as  governess.  There 
are  34  of  us  in  the  class.  Our  teachers  are  a  Frau 
Doktor,  2  mistresses,  one  professor,  and  I  think  a 
drawing  mistress  as  well.  The  Frau  Doktor  teaches 
German  and  writing.  She  put  us  together  on  the 
3rd  bench.  Then  she  made  a  speech,  then  she  told 
us  what  books  to  get,  but  we  are  not  to  buy  them 
till  Monday.  We  have  3  intervals,  one  long  and  2 
short.  The  long  one  is  for  games,  the  short  ones 
to  go  out.  I  usen't  to  go  out  at  the  elementary  school 
and  now  I  don't  need  to.  Mother  always  says  that 
it's  only  a  bad  habit.  Most  of  the  girls  went  out, 
and  even  asked  to  leave  the  room  during  lesson  time. 
To-day  we  hadn't  any  proper  lessons.  They  are  to 
begin  to-morrow,  but  we  don't  know  what.  Then 
we  came  home. 

September  23rd.  To-day  we  had  the  mistress  who 
teaches  geography  and  history,  she  has  no  degree. 
Inspee  says  that  she  had  her  last  year,  but  she  could 
not  stand  her,  she's  so  ugly.  Father  was  angry  and 
said  to  Inspee:  You  silly  goose,  don't  fill  her  head 
with  such  stuff.  Show  what  you  are  worth  as  elder 
sister.  One  can  learn  something  from  every  mistress 
and  every  master  if  one  likes.  But  I  can't  say,  we're 
really  fond  of  Fr'aulein  Vischer  and  I  don't  much 
care  for  geography  and  history.  Besides  I'm  not 
learning  for  her  but  for  myself.  Frau  Dr.  Mallburg 
is  awfully  nice  and  pretty.  We  shall  always  write 
Frau  Dr.  M.  for  short.  When  she  laughs  she  has 
two  dimples  and  a  gold  stopping.  She  is  new  at  the 
school.  I  don't  know  if  we  are  to  have  singing  too. 
In  French  we  have  Madame  Arnau,  she  is  beautifully 
dressed,  black  lace.  Hella  has  a  lovely  pen  and 
pencil  case;  it's  quite  soft,  we  must  have  it  soft  so 
that  it  shan't  make  a  row  when  it  falls  down  during 


32  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

lesson  time.  I  think  it  cost  7  crowns  or  1.70  crowns, 
I  don't  know  exactly.  To-day  lessons  went  on  until 
12,  first  German,  then  arithmetic,  then  religion  for 
Catholics,  and  then  we  came  away.  Hella  waited 
for  me,  for  the  Herr  Pastor  did  not  come. 

September  24th.  We  thought  the  book  shops  would 
be  open  to-day  but  we  were  wrong.  Hella's  mother 
said,  that's  what  happens  when  the  chicks  think 
themselves  wiser  than  the  hens.  In  the  afternoon 
Hella  came  to  our  house  and  Inspee  had  been  invited 
by  the  Fs.  I  don't  go  there,  for  it's  so  dull,  they 
play  the  piano  all  day.  I  have  enough  piano  at  my 
lessons.  My  music  lessons  will  begin  when  the  school 
time-table  has  been  fixed  up.  Perhaps  on  October  1st, 
then  I  must  write  to  Frau  B.,  she  told  me  to  write 
myself.  She  tells  all  her  pupils  to  do  that.  I  would 
rather  have  had  Hella's  music  mistress.  But  she 
has  no  time  to  spare  and  I  think  she  charges  more. 
At  least  she  wouldn't  always  be  holding  me  up 
"Fraulein  Dora"  as  a  model.  We  are  not  all  so 
musical  as  Fraulein  Dora.  In  the  evening  Inspee 
was  reading  a  great  fat  book  until  10  or  12  o'clock 
and  she  simply  howled  over  it.  She  said  she  had 
not,  but  I  heard  her  and  she  could  hardly  speak. 
She  says  she  had  a  cold,  liar. 

September  25th.  To-day  they  gave  us  the  profes- 
sors' time-table,  but  it  won't  work  until  the  professors 
from  the  Gymnasium  know  exactly  when  they  can 
come.  Our  Frau  Doktor  might  be  teaching  in  a 
Gymnasium,  but  since  there  is  only  one  here  she 
teaches  in  our  school.  To-morrow  we  are  going  to 
have  a  viva  voce  composition:  Our  Holidays.  We 
may  write  8  or  10  sentences  at  home  before  we  come, 
but  we  must  not  look  at  what  we  have  written  in 
class.     I've  written  mine  already.    But  I've  not  said 


FIRST  YEAR  33 

anything  about  Robert.  He's  not  worth  thinking 
about  anyhow.    I  did  not  even  tell  Hella  everything. 

September  25th.  We  had  the  viva  voce  composition 
and  Frau  Doktor  said,  very  good,  what  is  your  name? 
Grete  Lainer  I  said  and  she  said:  And  is  that  your 
chum  next  you?  Now  she  must  tell  us  how  she  spent 
her  holidays.  Hella  did  hers  very  well  too  and  Frau 
Doktor  said  again,  very  good.  Then  the  bell  rang. 
In  the  long  interval  Frau  Doktor  played  dodge  with 
us.  It  was  great  fun.  I  was  it  six  times.  In  the 
little  intervals  we  were  quite  alone  for  the  staff  has 
such  a  lot  to  do  drawing  up  the  time-table.  A  pupil- 
teacher  from  the  F.  high  school  is  in  our  class.  She 
sits  on  the  last  bench  for  she  is  very  tall.  As  tall  as 
Frau  Doktor. 

September  26th.  To-day  we  had  Professor  Riegel 
for  the  first  time  in  natural  history.  He  wears  eye- 
glasses and  never  looks  any  of  us  in  the  face.  And 
in  French  Madame  A.  said  that  my  accent  was  the 
best.  We've  got  an  awful  lot  on  and  I  don't  know 
whether  I  shall  be  able  to  write  every  day.  The 
younger  girls  say  Professor  Igel  instead  of  Riegel 
and  the  Weinmann  girl  said  Nikel. 

September  30th.  I've  had  simply  no  time  to  write. 
Hella  hasn't  written  anything  since  the  24th.  But 
I  must  write  to-day  for  I  met  Robert  in  Schotten- 
gasse.  Good  morning,  Miss,  you  needn't  be  so  stuck 
up,  he  said  as  he  went  by.  And  when  I  turned  round 
he  had  already  passed,  or  I  would  have  given  him  a 
piece  of  my  mind.    I  must  go  to  supper. 

October  1st.  I  can't  write,  Oswald  has  come  from 
S.,  he  has  sprained  his  ankle,  but  I'm  not  so  sure 
because  he  can  get  about.  He  is  awfully  pale  and 
doesn't  say  a  word  about  the  pain. 

October  4th.     To-day  is  a  holiday,  the  emperor's 


34  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

birthday.  Yesterday  Resi  told  me  something  horrid. 
Oswald  can't  go  back  to  S.  He  has  been  up  to  some- 
thing, I  wish  I  knew  what,  perhaps  something  in  the 
closet.  He  always  stays  there  such  a  long  time,  I 
noticed  that  when  I  was  in  the  country.  Or  perhaps 
it  may  have  been  something  in  his  society.  Inspee 
pretends  she  knows  what  it  is  but  of  course  it  isn't 
true,  for  she  doesn't  know  any  more  than  I  do. 
Father  is  furious  and  Mother's  eyes  are  all  red  with 
crying.  At  dinner  nobody  says  a  word.  If  I  could 
only  find  out  what  he's  done.  Father  was  shouting 
at  him  yesterday  and  both  Dora  and  I  heard  what  he 
said:  You  young  scamp  (then  there  was  something 
we  couldn't  understand)  and  then  he  said,  you  attend 
to  your  school  books  and  leave  the  girls  and  the  mar- 
ried women  alone  you  pitiful  scoundrel.  And  Dora 
said:  Ah,  now  I  understand  and  I  said:  Please  tell 
me,  he  is  my  brother  as  well  as  yours.  But  she  said : 
"You  wouldn't  understand.  It's  not  suitable  for  such 
young  ears."  Fancy  that,  it's  suitable  for  her  ears, 
but  not  mine  though  she's  not  quite  three  years  older 
than  I  am,  but  because  she  no  longer  wears  a  short 
skirt  she  gives  herself  the  airs  of  a  grown-up  lady. 
Such  airs,  and  then  she  sneaks  a  great  spoonful  of 
jam  so  that  her  mouth  is  stuffed  with  it  and  she  can't 
speak.  Whenever  I  see  her  do  this,  I  make  a  point 
of  speaking  to  her  so  that  she  has  to  answer.  She 
does  get  in  such  a  wax. 

October  9th.  I  know  all  about  it  now !  !  !  That's 
how  babies  come.  And  that  is  what  Robert  really 
meant.  Not  for  me,  thank  you,  I  simply  won't  marry. 
For  if  one  marries  one  has  to  do  it ;  it  hurts  frightfully 
and  yet  one  has  to.  What  a  good  thing  that  I  know 
it  in  time.  But  I  wish  I  knew  exactly  how,  Hella 
says  she  doesn't  know  exactly  herself.     But  perhaps 


FIRST  YEAR  35 

her  cousin  who  knows  everything  about  it  will  tell 
her.  It  lasts  nine  months  till  the  baby  comes  and 
then  a  lot  of  women  die.  It's  horrible.  Hella  has 
known  it  for  a  long  time  but  she  didn't  like  to  tell  me. 
A  girl  told  her  last  summer  in  the  country.  She 
wanted  to  talk  about  it  to  Lizzi  her  sister,  really  she 
only  wanted  to  ask  if  it  was  all  true  and  Lizzi  ran 
off  to  her  mother  to  tell  her  what  Hella  had  said. 
And  her  mother  said;  "These  children  are  awful, 
a  corrupt  generation,  don't  you  dare  to  repeat  it  to 
any  other  girl,  to  Grete  Lainer,  for  instance,"  and 
she  gave  her  a  box  on  the  ear.  As  if  she  could  help 
it!  That  is  why  she  didn't  write  to  me  for  such  a 
long  time.  Poor  thing,  poor  thing,  but  now  she  can 
tell  me  all  about  it  and  we  won't  betray  one  another. 
And  that  deceitful  cat  Inspee  has  known  all  about 
it  for  ages  and  has  never  told  me.  But  I  don't  under- 
stand why  that  time  at  the  swing  Robert  said:  You 
little  fool,  you  wont  get  a  baby  simply  from  that. 
Perhaps  Hella  knows.  When  I  go  to  the  gymnastic 
lesson  to-morrow  I  shall  talk  to  her  first  and  ask  her 
about  it.    My  goodness  how  curious  I  am  to  know. 

October  10th.  I'm  in  a  great  funk,  I  missed  my 
gymnastic  lesson  yesterday.  I  was  upstairs  at  Hella's 
and  without  meaning  it  I  was  so  late  I  did  not  dare 
to  go.  And  Hella  said  I  had  better  stay  with  her 
that  we  would  say  that  our  sum  was  so  difficult  that 
we  had  not  got  it  finished  in  time.  Luckily  we  really 
had  a  sum  to  do.  But  I  said  nothing  about  it  at 
home,  for  to-morrow  Oswald  is  going  to  G.  to  Herr 
S's.  I  thought  that  I  knew  all  about  it  but  only  now 
has  Hella  really  told  me  everything.  It's  a  horrible 
business  this  ...  I  really  can't  write  it.  She 
says  that  of  course  Inspee  has  it  already,  had  it 
when  I  wrote  that  Inspee  wouldn't  bathe,  did  not 


36  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

want  to  bathe;  really  she  had  it.  Whatever  happens 
one  must  always  be  anxious  about  it.  Streams  of 
blood  says  Hella.  But  then  everything  gets  all  bl  .  .  . 
That's  why  in  the  country  Inspee  always  switched 
off  the  light  before  she  was  quite  undressed,  so  that 
I  couldn't  see.  Ugh!  Catch  me  looking!  It  begins 
at  14  and  goes  on  for  20  years  or  more.  Hella  says 
that  Berta  Franke  in  our  class  knows  all  about  it. 
In  the  arithmetic  lesson  she  wrote  a  note:  Do  you 
know  what  being  un  .  .  .  is?  Hella  wrote  back, 
of  course  I've  known  it  for  a  long  time.  Berta  waited 
for  her  after  class  when  the  Catholics  were  having 
their  religion  lesson  and  they  went  home  together. 
I  remember  quite  well  that  I  was  very  angry,  for 
they're  not  chums.  On  Tuesday  Berta  came  with 
us,  for  Hella  had  sent  her  a  note  in  class  saying  that 
I  knew  everything  and  she  needn't  bother  about  me. 
Inspee  suspects  something,  she's  always  spying  about 
and  sneering,  perhaps  she  thinks  that  she's  the  only 
person  who  ought  to  know  anything. 

October  16th.  To-morrow  is  Father's  and  Dora's 
birthday.  Every  year  it  annoys  me  that  Dora  should 
have  her  birthday  on  the  same  day  as  Father;  What 
annoys  me  most  of  all  is  that  she  is  so  cocky  about 
it,  for,  as  Father  always  says,  it's  a  mere  chance. 
Besides,  I  don't  think  he  really  likes  it.  Everyone 
wants  to  have  their  own  birthday  on  their  own  day, 
not  to  share  it  with  someone  else.  And  it's  always 
nasty  to  be  stuck  up  about  a  thing  like  that.  Besides, 
it's  not  going  to  be  a  real  birthday  because  of  the 
row  about  Oswald.  Father  is  still  furious  and  had 
to  stay  away  from  the  office  for  2  days  because  he 
had  to  go  to  G.  to  see  about  Oswald  going  there. 

October  17th.  It  was  much  jollier  to-day  than  I 
had  expected.    All  the  Bruckners  came,  so  of  course 


FIRST  YEAR  37 

there  was  not  much  said  about  Oswald  only  that  he 
has  sprained  his  ankle,  (I  know  quite  well  now  that 
that's  not  true)  and  that  he  is  probably  going  to  G. 
Colonel  B.  said:  The  best  thing  for  a  boy  is  to  send 
him  to  a  military  academy,  that  keeps  him  in  order. 
In  the  evening  Oswald  said:  That  was  awful  rot 
what  Hella's  father  said,  for  you  can  be  expelled 
from  a  military  academy  just  as  easily  as  from  the 
Gymnasium.  That's  what  happened  to  Edgar  Groller. 
Oswald  gave  himself  away  and  Dora  promptly  said: 
Ah,  so  you  have  been  expelled,  and  we  believed  you 
had  sprained  your  ankle.  Then  he  got  in  an  awful 
wax  and  said:  O  you  wretched  flappers,  I've  gone 
and  blabbed  it  all  now,  and  he  went  away  slamming 
the  door,  for  Mother  wasn't  there. 

October  19th.  If  we  could  only  find  out  what 
Oswald  really  did.  It  must  have  been  something 
with  a  girl.  But  we  can't  think  what  Father  meant 
about  a  married  woman.  Perhaps  a  married  woman 
complained  of  him  to  the  head  master  or  to  the  school 
committee  and  that's  how  it  all  came  out.  I  feel 
awfully  sorry  for  him,  for  I  think  how  I  should  have 
felt  myself  if  everything  had  come  out  about  Robert 
and  me.  Of  course  I  don't  care  now.  But  in  the 
summer  it  would  have  been  awful.  Oswald  hardly 
says  a  word,  except  that  he  has  talks  with  Mother 
sometimes.  He  always  pretends  that  he  wants  to 
read,  but  it's  absurd,  for  with  such  a  love  trouble 
one  can't  really  read.  I  have  not  told  Berta  Franke 
all  about  it,  but  only  that  my  brother  has  had  an  un- 
happy love  affair  and  that  is  why  he  is  back  in 
Vienna.  Then  she  told  us  that  this  summer  a  cousin 
of  hers  shot  himself  because  of  her.  They  said  in  the 
newspapers  that  it  was  because  of  an  actress,  but 
really  it  was  because  of  her.    She  is  14  already. 


38  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

October  20th.  We  spend  most  of  our  time  now 
with  Berta  Franke.  She  says  she  has  had  a  tremend- 
ous lot  of  experience,  but  she  can't  tell  us  yet  because 
we  are  not  intimate  enough.  By  and  by  she  says. 
Perhaps  she  is  afraid  we  shall  give  her  away.  She 
wants  to  marry  when  she  is  16  at  latest.  That's  in 
2  years.  Of  course  she  won't  have  finished  school 
by  then,  but  she  will  have  left  the  third  class.  She 
has  three  admirers,  but  she  has  not  yet  made  up  her 
mind  which  to  choose.  Hella  says  I  mustn't  believe 
all  this,  that  the  story  about  the  three  admirers  at 
once  is  certainly  a  cram. 

October  21st.  Berta  Franke  says  that  when  one 
is  dark  under  the  eyes  one  has  it  and  that  when  one 
gets  a  baby  then  one  doesn't  have  it  any  more  until 
one  gets  another.  She  told  us  too  how  one  gets  it, 
but  I  didn't  really  believe  what  she  said,  for  I  thought 
she  did  not  know  herself  exactly.  Then  she  got  very 
cross  and  said:  "All  right,  I  won't  tell  you  any  more. 
If  I  don't  know  myself."  But  I  can't  believe  what 
she  said  about  husband  and  wife.  She  said  it  must 
happen  every  night,  for  if  not  they  don't  have  a 
baby;  if  they  miss  a  single  night  they  don't  have  a 
baby.  That's  why  they  have  their  beds  so  close  to- 
gether. People  call  them  marriage  beds!!!  And 
it  hurts  so  frightfully  that  one  can  hardly  bear  it. 
But  one  has  to  for  a  husband  can  make  his  wife  do 
it.  I  should  like  to  know  how  he  can  make  her. 
But  I  didn't  dare  to  ask  for  I  was  afraid  she  would 
think  I  was  making  fun  of  her.  Men  have  it  too, 
but  very  seldom.  We  see  a  lot  of  Berta  Franke  now, 
she  is  an  awfully  nice  girl,  perhaps  Mother  will  let 
me  invite  her  here  next  Sunday. 

October  23rd.  Father  took  Oswald  away  to-day. 
Mother  cried  such  a  lot.    When  Oswald  was  leaving 


FIRST  YEAR  39 

I  whispered  to  him:  I  know  what's  the  matter  with 
you.  But  he  did  not  understand  me  for  he  said: 
Silly  duffer.  Perhaps  he  only  said  that  because  of 
Father  who  was  looking  on  with  a  fearful  scowl. 

October  27  th.-  Everything  seems  to  have  gone 
wrong.  Yesterday  I  got  unsatisfactory  in  history,  and 
in  arithmetic  to-day  I  couldn't  get  a  single  sum  right. 
I'm  frightfully  worried  about  missing  that  gymnastic 
lesson.  It  will  be  all  right  if  Mother  gives  me  the 
money  to-morrow,  for  if  she  goes  herself  she  will  cer- 
tainly find  out  about  it. 

October  28th.  To-day  the  head  mistress  was  pres- 
ent at  our  French  lesson  and  said  awfully  nice  things 
about  me.  She  said  I  was  good  enough  in  French 
to  be  in  the  Third  and  then  she  asked  me  whether 
I  was  as  good  in  the  other  subjects.  I  didn't  want 
to  say  either  Yes  or  No,  and  all  the  other  girls  said 
Yes,  she's  good  at  everything.  The  head  patted  me 
on  the  shoulder  and  said:  I'm  glad  to  hear  that. 
When  she  had  gone  I  cried  like  anything  and  Madame 
Arnau  asked:  Why,  what's  the  matter?  and  the  other 
girls  said:  In  arithmetic  she  had  Unsatisfactory  but 
she  can  really  do  her  sums  awfully  well.  Then 
Madame  said:  "You'll  soon  wipe  off  that  Unsatis- 
factory." 

October  30th.  To-day  l  had  a  frightful  bother 
with  Fraulein  Vischer  in  the  history  lesson.  Yester- 
day when  I  got  into  the  tram  with  Mother  there  was 
Fraulein  V.  I  looked  the  other  way  so  that  Mother 
shouldn't  see  her  and  so  that  she  should  not  tell 
Mother  about  me.  When  she  came  in  to-day  she  said: 
Lainer,  do  you  know  the  rules  ?  I  knew  directly  what 
she  meant  and  said  "I  did  bow  to  you  in  the  tram 
but  you  didn't  see  me."  "That's  a  fine  thing  to  do, 
first  you  do  wrong  and  then  try  to  excuse  yourself  by 


40  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

telling  a  lie.  Sit  down!"  I  felt  awful  for  all  the 
girls  looked  at  me.  In  the  11  interval  Berta  Franke 
said  to  me:  Don't  worry,  she's  got  her  knife  into  you 
and  will  always  find  something  to  complain  of.  She 
must  have  spoken  to  Frau  Doktor  M.,  for  in  the  Ger- 
man lesson  the  subject  for  viva  voce  composition  was 
Good  Manners.  And  all  the  girls  looked  at  me  again. 
She  didn't  say  anything  more.  She's  a  perfect  angel, 
my  darling  E.  M.,  her  name  is  Elisabeth;  but  she 
does  not  keep  her  name-day  because  she's  a  Protestant; 
that's  an  awful  shame  because  November  19th  is  com- 
ing soon. 

October  31st.  I've  been  so  lucky.  Nothing's  come 
out  about  the  gymnastic  lesson  though  Mother  was 
there  herself.  And  in  mental  arithmetic  to-day  I 
got  a  One.  Fraulein  Steiner  is  awfully  nice  too  and 
she  said:  Why,  L.  what  was  the  matter  with  you 
in  your  sums  the  other  day,  for  you're  so  good  at 
arithmetic?  I  didn't  know  what  to  do  so  I  said: 
Oh  I  had  such  a  headache  the  other  day.  Then  Berta 
Franke  nearly  burst  out  laughing,  it  was  horrid  of 
her;  I  don't  think  she's  quite  to  be  trusted;  I  think 
she's  rather  a  sneak.  When  the  lesson  was  over  she 
said  she  had  laughed  because  "headache"  means 
something  quite  different. 

November  1st.  To-day  we  began  to  work  at  the 
tablecloth  for  Father's  Christmas  present.  Of  course 
Inspee  bagged  the  right  side  because  that's  easier  to 
work  at  and  I  had  to  take  the  left  side  and  then  one 
has  the  whole  caboodle  on  one's  hand.  For  Mother 
I'm  making  an  embroidered  leather  book  cover,  em- 
broidered with  silk  and  with  a  painted  design;  I 
can  do  the  painting  part  at  school  in  Fr'aulein  H.'s 
lesson,  she's  awfully  nice  too.  But  I  like  Frau  Doktor 
M.  best  of  all.    I'm  not  going  to  invite  Berta  Franke 


FIRST  YEAR  41 

because  of  the  way  she  laughed  yesterday,  and  besides 
Mother  doesn't  like  having  strange  girls  to  the  house. 

November  2nd.  I  don't  know  all  about  things  yet. 
Hella  knows  a  lot  more.  We  said  we  were  going 
to  go  over  our  natural  history  lesson  together  and  we 
went  in  to  the  drawing-room,  and  there  she  told  me  a 
lot  more.  Then  Mali,  our  new  servant,  came  in, 
and  she  told  us  something  horrid.  Resi  is  in  a  hos- 
pital because  she's  ill.  Mali  told  us  that  all  the  Jews 
when  they  are  quite  little  have  to  go  through  a  very 
dangerous  operation;  it  hurts  frightfully  and  that's 
why  they  are  so  cruel.  It's  done  so  that  they  can  have 
more  children;  but  only  little  boys,  not  little  girls. 
It's  horrid,  and  I  should  not  like  to  marry  a  Jew. 
Then  we  asked  Mali  whether  it  is  true  that  it  hurts 
so  frightfully  and  she  laughed  and  said:  It  can't  be 
so  bad  as  all  that,  for  if  it  were  you  wouldn't  find 
everyone  doing  it.  Then  Hella  asked  her:  But  have 
you  done  it  already,  you  haven't  got  a  husband?  She 
said:  Go  on,  Miss!  One  mustn't  ask  such  questions 
it's  not  ladylike.  We  were  in  an  awful  funk,  and 
begged  her  not  to  tell  Mother.    She  promised  not  to. 

November  5th.  Everything  has  come  out  through 
that  stupid  waist  band.  Yesterday  when  I  was  tidy- 
ing my  drawers  Mali  came  in  to  make  the  beds  and 
saw  my  fringed  waistband.  "I  say,  she  said,  that  is 
pretty!"  You  can  have  it  if  you  like,  I  said,  for 
I've  given  up  wearing  it.  At  dinner  yesterday  I 
noticed  that  Mother  was  looking  at  Mali  and  I 
blushed  all  over.  After  dinner  Mother  said,  Gretel, 
did  you  give  Mali  that  waistband?  Yes,  I  said,  she 
asked  me  for  it.  She  came  in  at  that  moment  to  clear 
away  and  said:  "No,  I  never  asked  for  it,  Fr'aulein 
Grete  gave  it  to  me  herself."  I  don't  know  what  hap- 
pened after  that,  I'd  gone  back  to  my  room  when 


42  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Mother  came  in  and  said:  A  fine  lot  of  satisfaction 
one  gets  out  of  one's  children.  Mali  has  told  me  the 
sort  of  things  you  and  Hella  talk  about.  I  ran 
straight  off  to  the  kitchen  and  said  to  Mali:  How 
could  you  tell  such  tales  of  us?  It  was  you  who 
chipped  in  wrhen  we  were  talking.  It  was  frightfully 
mean  of  you.  In  the  evening  she  must  needs  go  and 
complain  of  me  to  Father  and  he  scolded  me  like  any- 
thing and  said:  You're  a  fine  lot,  you  children,  I 
must  say.  You  are  not  to  see  so  much  of  Hella  now, 
do  you  understand? 

November  6th.  A  fine  thing  this,  that  I'm  a  silly 
fool  now.  When  I  gave  Hella  a  nudge  so  that  she 
should  not  go  on  talking  before  Mali,  she  laughed 
and  said :  What  does  it  matter,  Mali  knows  all  about 
it,  probably  a  great  deal  more  than  wre  do.  It  was 
only  after  that  that  Mali  told  us  about  the  Jews. 
Now,  if  you  please,  I  am  a  silly  fool.  All  right,  now 
that  I  know  what  I  am,  a  silly  fool.  And  that's  what 
one's  best  friend  calls  one ! 

November  7th.  Hella  and  I  are  very  stand-offish. 
We  walk  together,  but  we  only  talk  of  everyday 
things,  school  and  lessons,  nothing  else.  We  went 
skating  to-day  for  the  first  time  and  we  shall  go 
whenever  we  have  time,  which  is  not  very  often. 
Mother  is  working  at  the  table  cloth.  It's  very  hard 
work  but  she  has  not  got  as  much  to  do  as  we  have. 

November  8th.  There  was  such  a  lovely  young  lady 
skating  to-day,  and  she  skates  so  beautifully,  inside 
and  outside  edge  and  figures  of  8.  I  skated  along 
behind  her.  When  she  went  to  the  cloak  room  there 
was  such  a  lovely  scent.  I  wonder  if  she  is  going  to 
be  married  soon  and  whether  she  knows  all  about 
everything.  She  is  so  lovely  and  she  pushes  back  the 
hair  from  her  forehead  so  prettily.     I  wish  I  were  as 


FIRST  YEAR  43 

pretty  as  she  is.  But  I  am  dark  and  she  is  fair.  I 
wish  I  could  find  out  her  name  and  where  she  lives. 
I  must  go  skating  again  to-morrow;  do  my  lessons 
in  the  evening. 

November  9th.  I'm  so  upset;  she  didn't  come  to 
skate.     I'm  afraid  she  may  be  ill. 

November  10th.  She  didn't  come  to-day  either.  I 
waited  two  hours,  but  it  was  no  good. 

November  11th.  She  came  to-day,  at  last!  Oh 
how  pretty  she  is. 

November  12th.  She  has  spoken  to  me.  I  was 
standing  near  the  entrance  gate  and  suddenly  I  heard 
some  one  laughing  behind  me  and  I  knew  directly: 
That  is  she!  So  it  was.  She  came  up  and  said: 
Shall  we  skate  together?  Please,  if  I  may,  said  I, 
and  we  went  off  together  crossing  arms.  My  heart 
was  beating  furiously,  and  I  wanted  to  say  something, 
but  couldn't  think  of  anything  sensible  to  say.  When 
we  came  back  to  the  entrance  a  gentleman  stood  there 
and  took  off  his  hat  and  she  bowed,  and  she  said  to 
me:  Till  next  time.  I  said  quickly:  When?  To- 
morrow? Perhaps,  she  called  back.  .  .  .  Only 
perhaps,  perhaps,  oh  I  wish  it  were  to-morrow  already. 

November  13th.  Inspee  declares  that  her  name  is 
Anastasia  Klastoschek.  I'm  sure  it  can't  be  true  that 
she  has  such  a  name,  she  might  be  called  Eugenie  or 
Seraphine  or  Laura,  but  Anastasia,  impossible.  Why 
are  there  such  horrid  names?  Fancy  if  she  is  really 
called  that.  Klastoschek,  too,  a  Czech  name,  and  she 
is  supposed  to  come  from  Moravia  and  to  be  26  al- 
ready; 26,  absurd,  she's  18  at  most.  I'm  sure  she's 
not  so  much  as  18.  Dora  says  she  lives  in  Phorusgasse, 
and  that  she  doesn't  think  her  particularly  pretty.  Of 
course  that's  rank  jealousy;  Dora  thinks  no  one  pretty 
except  herself. 


44  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

November  14th.  I  asked  the  woman  at  the  pay  box, 
her  name  really  is  Anastasia  Klastoschek  and  she 
lives  in  the  Phorusgasse;  but  the  woman  didn't  know 
how  old  she  is.  She  would  not  tell  me  at  first  but 
asked  why  I  wanted  to  know  and  who  had  sent  me 
to  enquire.  She  wouldn't  look  into  the  book  until 
I  told  her  that  it  was  only  for  myself  that  I  wanted 
to  know.  Then  she  looked,  for  I  knew  the  number 
of  the  cloak  room  locker:  36,  a  lovely  number,  I  like 
it  so  much.  I  don't  really  know  why,  but  when  I 
hear  anyone  say  that  number  it  sounds  to  me  like  a 
squirrel  jumping  about  in  the  wood. 

November  20th.  It's  really  impossible  to  write 
every  day.  Mother  is  ill  in  bed  and  the  doctor  comes 
every  day,  but  I  don't  really  know  what's  the  matter 
with  her.  I'm  not  sure  whether  the  doctor  knows 
exactly.  When  Mother  is  ill  everything  at  home  is 
so  uncomfortable  and  she  always  says:  Whatever 
you  do  don't  get  ill,  for  it's  such  a  nuisance.  But 
I  don't  mind  being  ill;  indeed  I  rather  like  being  ill, 
for  then  everyone's  so  nice,  when  Father  comes  home 
he  comes  and  sits  by  my  bed  and  even  Dora  is  rather 
nice  and  does  things  for  me;  that  is  she  has  to.  Be- 
sides, when  she  had  diptheria  two  years  ago  I  did 
everything  I  could  for  her,  she  nearly  died,  her  tem- 
perature went  up  to  107  and  Mother  was  sick  with 
crying.  Father  never  cries.  It  must  look  funny  when 
a  man  cries.  When  there  was  all  that  row  about 
Oswald  he  cried,  I  think  Father  had  given  him  a 
box  on  the  ear.  He  said  he  hadn't  but  I  think  he 
had;  certainly  he  cried,  though  he  said  he  didn't. 
After  all,  why  shouldn't  he  for  he's  not  really  grown 
up  yet.  I  cry  myself  when  I  get  frightfully  annoyed. 
Still  I  shouldn't  cry  for  a  box  on  the  ear. 

November  21st.    In  the  religion  lesson  to-dav  Lisel 


FIRST  YEAR  45 

Schrotter  who  is  the  Herr  Catechist's  favourite,  no, 
we've  got  to  call  him  Herr  Professor,  as  she  is  the 
Herr  Professor's  favourite,  well  she  went  to  him  with 
the  Bible  and  asked  him  what  with  child  meant. 
That's  what  they  say  of  Mary  in  the  Bible.  The 
Schrotter  girl  does  not  know  anything  yet  and  the 
other  girls  egged  her  on  till  she  went  and  asked.  The 
Herr  Professor  got  quite  red  and  said :  If  you  don't 
know  yet  it  does  not  matter.  We  shall  come  to  that 
later,  we're  still  in  the  Old  Testament.  I  was  so 
glad  that  Hella  does  not  sit  next  me  in  the  religion 
lesson,  because  she's  a  Protestant ;  we  should  certainly 
have  both  burst  out  laughing.  Some  of  the  girls 
giggled  frightfully  and  the  Herr  Professor  said  to 
Lisel:  You're  a  good  girl,  don't  bother  about  the 
others.  But  Lisel  positively  howled.  I  would  not 
have  asked,  even  if  I  hadn't  really  known.  With 
child  is  a  stupid  word  anyhow,  it  doesn't  mean  any- 
thing really;  only  if  one  knows. 

November  22nd.  When  I  was  coming  away  from 
the  religion  lesson  with  Berta  Franke  the  Other  day, 
of  course  we  began  talking  about  it.  She  says  that's 
why  people  marry,  only  because  of  it.  I  said  I  could 
not  believe  that  people  marry  only  for  that.  Lots 
of  people  marry  and  then  have  no  children.  That's 
all  right  said  Berta,  but  it's  quite  true  what  I  tell 
you.  Then  she  told  me  a  lot  more  but  I  really  can't 
write  it  all  down.  It  is  too  horrid,  but  I  shan't  forget. 
When  I  was  sitting  on  Mother's  bed  to-day  I  suddenly 
realised  that  Father's  bed  is  really  quite  close  to 
Mother's.  I  had  never  thought  about  it  before.  But 
it's  not  really  necessary  now  for  we  are  all  quite  big. 
Still  I  suppose  they've  just  left  things  as  they  were. 
Well  dear,  said  Mother,  what  are  you  looking  round 
so  for?     Of  course  I  didn't  let  on,  but  said:     I  was 


46  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

only  looking  round  and  thinking  that  if  your  bed  was 
where  the  washstand  is  you  could  see  to  read  better 
when  you  are  lying  in  bed.  That  would  not  do  be- 
cause the  wall's  all  wrong  said  Mother.  I  said  noth- 
ing more  and  she  didn't  either.  I  like  much  better 
to  sleep  on  a  sofa  than  in  a  bed,  because  I  like  to 
snuggle  up  against  the  back.  I'm  so  glad  Mother 
didn't  notice  anything.  One  has  to  be  so  frightfully 
careful  not  to  give  oneself  away  when  one  knows 
everything. 

November  25th.  I  have  just  been  reading  a  lovely 
story;  it  is  called  A  True  Heart  and  is  about  a  girl 
whose  betrothed  has  had  to  leave  her  because  he  has 
shot  a  man  who  was  spying  on  him.  But  Rosa  re- 
mains true  to  him  till  he  comes  back  after  10  years 
and  then  they  marry.  It's  simply  splendid  and 
frightfully  sad  at  first.  I  do  love  these  library  books, 
but  when  we  were  at  the  elementary  school  I  knew 
all  the  books  they  had  and  the  mistress  never  knew 
what  to  give  me  and  Hella.  In  the  high  school  we 
get  only  one  book  a  month,  for  the  Frau  Doktor 
says  we  have  plenty  of  work  to  do,  and  that  when 
we  are  not  at  work  we  ought  to  be  out  in  the  fresh 
air.  I  can't  manage  to  go  skating  every  day.  I  do 
love  the  Gold  Fairy,  that  is  my  name  for  her,  for 
I  hate  her  real  name.  Inspee  declares  that  they  call 
her  Stasi  for  short,  but  I  don't  believe  that;  most 
likely  they  call  her  Anna,  but  that's  so  common. 
Thank  goodness  Hella  always  calls  me  Rita,  so  at 
school  I'm  known  as  Rita.  It's  only  at  home  that 
they  will  call  me  Gretl.  The  other  day  I  said  to 
Inspee:  If  you  want  me  to  call  you  Thea  you  must 
call  me  Rita;  and  anyhow  I  won't  let  you  call  me 
Gretl,  that's  what  they  call  a  little  girl  or  a  peasant 
girl.    She  said:     I  don't  care  tuppence  what  you  call 


FIRST  YEAR  47 

me.     All  right,  then,  she  shall  be  Dora  till  the  end 
of  time. 

November  27th.  Father  has  been  made  Appeal 
Court  Judge.  He  is  awfully  glad  and  so  is  Mother. 
The  news  came  yesterday  evening.  Now  he  can 
become  President  of  the  Supreme  Court,  not  directly, 
but  in  a  few  years.  We  shall  probably  move  to  a 
larger  house  in  May.  Inspee  said  to  Mother  that 
she  hoped  she  would  have  her  own  room  where  she 
would  not  be  disturbed.  How  absurd,  who  disturbs 
her,  I  suppose  I  do?  Much  more  like  she  disturbs 
me,  always  watching  while  I'm  writing  my  diary. 
Hella  always  says:  "There  really  ought  not  to  be 
any  elder  sisters;  she's  jolly  well  right.  It's  a  pity 
we  can't  alter  things.  Mother  says  we  are  really  too 
big  to  keep  St.  Nicholas,  but  I  don't  see  why  one 
should  ever  be  too  big  for  that.  Last  year  Inspee 
got  something  from  St.  Nicholas  when  she  was  13 
and  I'm  not  12  yet.  All  we  get  are  chocolates  and 
sweets  and  dates  and  that  sort  of  thing,  not  proper 
presents.  The  girls  want  to  give  the  Frau  Doktor 
a  great  Krampus  1  to  leave  it  on  her  desk.  I  think 
that's  silly.  It's  not  a  proper  present  for  a  teacher 
one  is  really  fond  of,  one  doesn't  want  to  waste  sweets 
on  a  teacher  one  doesn't  like,  and  to  give  an  empty 
Krampus  would  be  rude.  Mother  is  really  right  and 
a  Krampus  is  only  suitable  for  children. 

December  1st.  We  are  giving  everyone  of  the  staff 
a  Krampus,  each  of  us  is  to  subscribe  a  crown,  I  hope 
Father  will  give  me  the  crown  extra.  Perhaps  he'll 
give  us  more  pocket  money    now,    at    least    another 

1  Krampus  =  Ruprechtsknecht,  i.e.  a  little  Demon,  who  serves 
St.  Nicholas,  and  is  a  bogey  man  to  carry  off  naughty  children. 
An  image  of  this  Demon,  filled  with  sweets,  is  given  as  a  present 
on  the  feast  of  St.  Nicholas  which  inaugurates  the  Christmas 
season.  — Translators'  Note. 


48  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

crown,  that  would  be  splendid.  We  are  going  to  give 
big  Krampuses  to  the  ones  we  like  best,  and  small 
ones  to  those  we  are  not  so  fond  of.  We're  afraid  to 
give  one  to  Professor  J.  But  if  he  doesn't  get  one 
perhaps  he'll  be  offended. 

December  2nd.  To-day  we  went  to  buy  Krampuses 
for  the  staff.  The  one  for  Frau  Doktor  M.  is  the 
finest.  When  you  open  it  the  first  thing  you  see  is 
little  books  with  Schiller,  Goethe,  and  Fairy  Tales 
written  on  the  backs,  and  then  underneath  these 
are  the  sweets.  That's  exactly  suited  for  her,  for  the 
Frau  Doktor  teaches  German  and  in  the  Fourth  in 
German  they  are  reading  these  poets.  Last  month  in 
the  Fourth  they  had  a  Schiller  festival  and  Frau  Dok- 
tor made  a  splendid  speech  and  some  of  the  girls 
gave  recitations.  Besides  Hella  has  shown  me  an 
awful  poem  by  Schiller.  There  you  can  read:  if 
only  I  could  catch  her  in  the  bath,  she  would  cry  for 
mercy,  for  I  would  soon  show  the  girl  that  I  am  a 
man.  And  then  in  another  place:  "To  my  mate 
in  God's  likeness  I  can  show  that  which  is  the  source 
of  life."  But  you  can  only  find  that  in  the  large 
editions  of  Schiller.  I  believe  we've  got  some  books 
of  that  sort  in  our  bookcase,  for  when  Inspee  was 
rummaging  there  the  other  day  Mother  called  from 
the  next  room:  "Dora,  what  are  you  hunting  for 
in  the  bookcase?  I  can  tell  you  where  it  is."  And 
she  said:  Oh,  it's  nothing,  I  was  just  looking  for 
something,  and  shut  the  door  quickly. 

December  4th.  The  girls  are  so  tiresome  and  have 
made  such  a  muddle  about  the  Krampuses  for  the 
staff.  The  money  didn't  come  out  right  and  Keller 
said  that  Markus  had  taken  some  but  Markus  said 
not  taken  only  kept.  Of  course  Markus  complained 
to  Frau   Doktor  and  her  father  went  to  the  head 


FIRST  YEAR  49 

and  complained  too.  Frau  Doktor  said  we  know  quite 
well  that  collections  are  not  allowed  and  that  we 
must  not  give  any  one  a  Krampus.  Now  Keller  has 
the  five  Krampuses  and  we  don't  know  what  to  do 
about  it.  Mother  says  that  sort  of  thing  never  turns 
out  well  but  always  ends  in  a  quarrel. 

December  5th.  We  are  in  such  a  funk:  Hella 
and  I  and  Edith  Bergler  have  taken  the  Krampus 
which  we  bought  for  Frau  Doktor  M.  and  put  it  on 
her  doorstep.  Edith  Bergler  knew  where  she  lived  for 
she  comes  by  there  every  day  on  her  way  to  school. 
I  wonder  if  she'll  guess  where  the  Krampus  comes 
from.  I  did  not  know  that  Edith  Bergler  was  such 
a  nice  girl,  I  always  thought  she  must  be  deceitful 
because  she  wears  spectacles.  But  now  I'm  quite 
certain  she  is  not  deceitful,  so  one  sees  how  easy  it 
is  to  make  a  mistake.  To-morrow's  our  German 
lesson. 

December  6th.  Frau  Doktor  did  not  say  anything 
at  first.  Then  she  gave  out  the  subject  for  the  essay: 
"Why  once  I  could  not  go  to  sleep  at  night."  The 
girls  were  all  taken  aback,  and  then  Frau  Doktor  said: 
Now  girls  that's  not  so  very  difficult.  One  person 
cannot  go  to  sleep  because  he's  just  going  to  be  ill, 
another  because  he  is  excited  by  joy  or  fear.  Another 
has  an  uneasy  conscience  because  he  has  done  some- 
thing which  he  has  been  forbidden  to  do;  have  not 
all  of  you  experienced  something  of  the  kind  ?  Then 
she  looked  frightfully  hard  at  Edith  Bergler  and  us 
two.  She  did  not  say  anything  more,  so  we  don't 
really  know  if  she  suspects.  I  couldn't  go  to  the  ice 
carnival  yesterday  because  I  had  such  a  bad  cough, 
and  Dora  couldn't  go  either  because  she  had  a  head- 
ache; I  don't  know  whether  it  was  a  real  headache 
or  that  kind  of  headache ;  but  I  expect  it  was  that  kind. 


50  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

December  17th.  I  haven't  managed  to  write  any- 
thing for  a  whole  week.  The  day  before  yesterday 
we  had  our  Christmas  reports:  In  history  I  had 
satisfactory,  in  Natural  History  good,  in  everything 
else  very  good.  In  diligence  because  of  that  stupid 
Vischer  I  had  only  a  2.  Father  was  very  angry;  he 
says  everyone  can  get  a  1  in  diligence.  That's  true 
enough,  but  if  one  has  satisfactory  in  anything  then 
one  can't  get  a  1  for  diligence.  Inspee  of  course  had 
only  l's,  except  a  2  in  English.  But  then  she's  a 
frightful  swot.  Verbenowitsch  is  the  best  in  our  class, 
but  we  can't  any  of  us  bear  her,  she's  so  frantically 
conceited  and  Berta  Franke  says  she's  not  to  be 
trusted.  Berta  walks  to  school  with  her  cousin  who's 
in  the  seventh;  she's  nearly  14,  and  is  awfully  pretty. 
She  didn't  say  what  sort  of  a  report  she  had,  but  I 
believe  it  was  a  very  bad  one. 

December  18th.  To-day  at  supper  Dora  fainted  be- 
cause she  found  a  little  chicken  in  her  egg,  not  really 
a  chicken  yet,  but  one  could  make  out  the  wings  and 
the  head,  just  a  sketch  of  a  chicken  Father  said. 
Still,  I  really  can't  see  what  there  was  to  faint  about. 
Afterwards  she  said  it  had  made  her  feel  quite  creepy. 
And  she'll  never  be  able  to  eat  another  egg.  At  first 
Father  was  quite  frightened  and  so  was  Mother,  but 
then  he  laughed  and  said:  What  a  fuss  about  noth- 
ing !  She  had  to  go  and  lie  down  at  once  and  I  stayed 
downstairs  for  a  long  time.  When  I  came  up  to  our 
room  she  was  reading,  that  is  I  saw  the  light  through 
the  crack  in  the  door;  but  when  I  opened  the  door  it 
was  all  dark  and  when  I  asked:  Ah  so  you're  still 
reading  she  didn't  answer  and  she  pretended  to  wake 
up  when  I  switched  on  the  light  and  said:  What's  the 
matter?  I  can't  stand  such  humbug  so  I  said:  Shut 
up,  you  know  quite  well  it's  9  o-clock.     That's  all. 


FIRST  YEAR  51 

On  our  way  to  school  to-day  we  didn't  speaK  a  word 
to  one  another.  Luckily  after  awhile  we  met  a  girl 
belonging  to  her  class. 

December  19th.  I'm  frightfully  excited  to  know 
what  I'm  going  to  get  for  Christmas.  What  I've 
wished  for  is:  A  set  of  white  furs,  boa,  muff,  and 
velvet  cap  trimmed  with  the  same  fur,  acme  skates 
because  mine  are  always  working  loose,  German  sagas, 
not  Greek;  no  thank  you,  hair  ribbons,  openwork 
stockings,  and  if  possible  a  gold  pin  like  the  one  Hella 
got  for  a  birthday  present.  But  Father  says  that 
our  Christ  Child  would  find  that  rather  too  expensive. 
Inspee  wants  a  corset.  But  I  don't  think  she'll  get 
one  because  it's  unhealthy.  The  tablecloth  for  Father 
is  finished  and  is  being  trimmed,  but  Mother's  book 
cover  is  not  quite  ready  yet.  I'm  giving  Dora  a 
little  manicure  case.  Oh,  and  I'd  nearly  forgotten 
wThat  I  want  more  than  anything  else,  a  lock-up  box  in 
which  to  keep  my  diary.  Dora  wants  some  openwork 
stockings  too  and  three  books.  A  frightful  thing 
happened  to  me  the  other  day.  I  left  one  of  the 
pages  of  my  diary  lying  about  or  lost  one  somehow 
or  other.  When  I  came  home  Inspee  said:  "you've 
lost  this,  haven't  you?  School  notes  I  suppose?" 
I  didn't  notice  what  it  was  for  a  moment,  but  then 
I  saw  by  the  look  of  it  and  said :  Yes,  those  are  school 
notes.  Hm-m-m,  said  Inspee,  not  exactly  that  are 
they?  You  can  thank  your  stars  that  I've  not  shown 
them  to  Mother.  Besides  people  who  can't  spell  yet 
really  ought  not  to  keep  diaries.  It's  not  suitable  for 
children.  I  was  in  a  wax.  In  the  closet  I  took  a 
squint  to  see  what  mistakes  I  had  made.  There  was 
only  wenn  with  one  n  instead  of  double  n  and  dass 
with  short  ss's,  that's  all.  I  was  jolly  glad  that  there 
was  nothing  about  her  on  the  page.     She'd  under- 


52  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

lined  the  n  and  the  short  ss's  with  red,  just  as  if  she 
was  a  schoolmistress,  infernal  cheek!  The  best  would 
be  to  have  a  book  writh  a  lock  to  it,  which  one  could 
alway  keep  locked,  then  no  one  could  read  any  of  it 
and  underline  one's  mistakes  in  red.  I  often  write 
so  fast  that  it's  easy  to  make  a  slip  now  and  again. 
As  if  she  never  made  a  mistake.  The  whole  thing 
made  me  furious.  But  I  can't  say  anything  about  it 
because  of  Mother,  at  least  on  the  way  to  school ;  but 
no,  if  I  say  nothing  at  all  then  she  always  gets  more 
waxy  than  ever.  If  I  were  to  say  much  about  it 
Mother  might  remember  those  5  pages  I  lost  in  the 
country  and  I'd  rather  not  thank  you. 

December  22nd.  Aunt  Dora  came  to-day.  She's 
going  to  stay  with  us  for  a  time  till  Mother  is  quite 
well  again.  I  didn't  remember  her  at  all,  for  I  was 
only  four  or  five  when  she  went  away  from  Vienna. 
You  dear  little  black  beetle  she  said  to  me  and  gave 
me  a  kiss.  I  didn't  like  the  black  much,  but  Hella 
says  that  suits  me,  that  it's  piquant.  Piquant  is 
what  the  officers  always  say  of  her  cousin  in  Krems, 
Father  says  she  is  a  beauty,  and  she's  dark  like  me. 
But  I'd  rather  be  fair,  fair  with  brown  eyes  or  better 
still  with  violet  eyes.  Shall  I  grow  up  a  beauty?  Oh 
I  do  hope  I  shall ! 

December  23rd.  I  am  frightfully  excited  about  to- 
morrow. I  wonder  what  I  shall  get?  Now  I  must  go 
and  decorate  the  Christmas  tree.  Inspee  said :  Hullo, 
is  Gretl  going  to  help  decorate  this  year?  She's  never 
done  it  before !  I  should  like  to  know  why  not.  But 
Aunt  Dora  took  my  side.  "Of  course  she'll  help 
decorate  too;  but  please  don't  stuff  yourselves  with 
sweets."  "If  Dora  doesn't  eat  anything  I  shan't 
either,"  said  I  promptly. 

Evening.     Yesterday  was  our  last  day  at  school. 


FIRST  YEAR  53 

The  holidays  are  from  the  23rd  to  January  2nd.  It's 
glorious.  I  shall  be  able  to  go  skating  every  day. 
Of  course  I  had  no  time  to-day  and  shan't  have  to- 
morrow. I  wonder  whether  I  should  send  the  Gold 
Fairy  a  Christmas  card.  I  wish  she  had  a  prettier 
name.  Anastasia  Klastoschek;  it  is  so  ugly.  All 
Czech  names  are  so  ugly.  Father  knows  a  Count 
Wilczek,  but  a  still  worse  name  is  Schafgotsch. 
Nothing  wrould  induce  me  to  marry  anyone  called 
Schafgotsch  or  Wilczek  even  if  he  were  a  count  and 
a  millionaire.  Yesterday  we  paid  our  respects  to  the 
staff,  Verbenowitsch  and  I  went  to  Frau  Doktor  be- 
cause she  is  fondest  of  us,  or  is  said  to  be.  Nobody 
wanted  to  go  to  Professor  Rigl,  Igel,  we  always  say 
Nikel,  for  when  he  has  respects  paid  to  him  he  al- 
ways says:  "Aw  ri'."  But  it  would  have  been  rude 
to  leave  him  out  and  so  the  monitors  had  to  go.  When 
Christmas  was  drawing  near  Frau  Doktor  told  us 
that  we  were  none  of  us  to  give  presents  to  the  staff. 
"I  beg  you,  girls,  to  bear  in  mind  what  I  am  saying, 
for  if  you  do  not  there  will  only  be  trouble.  You 
remember  what  happened  on  St.  Nicholas'  day.  And 
you  must  not  send  anything  to  the  homes  of  the  staff, 
nor  must  the  Christ  Child  leave  anything  on  any  one's 
doorstep."  As  she  said  this  she  looked  hard  at  me 
and  Edith  Bergler,  so  she  knows  who  left  the  Kram- 
pus.  I'm  so  tired  I  can't  keep  my  eyes  open.  Hurrah, 
to-morrow  is  Christmas  Eve !  ! ! 

December  24th.  Christmas  Eve  afternoon  is  horrid. 
One  does  not  know  what  to  be  at.  I'm  not  allowed 
to  go  skating  so  the  best  thing  is  to  write.  Oswald 
came  home  yesterday.  Everyone  says  he's  looking 
splendid;  I  think  he's  awfully  pale  and  he  snorted 
when  everyone  said  he  had  such  a  fine  colour;  of 
course,  how  can  he  look  well  when  he  has  such  a 


54  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

heartache.  I  wish  I  could  tell  him  that  I  understand 
what  he  feels,  but  he's  too  proud  to  accept  sympathy 
from  me.  He  has  wished  for  an  army  revolver  for 
Christmas,  but  I  don't  think  he'll  get  one  for  boys  at 
the  middle  school  are  not  allowed  to  have  any  fire- 
arms. Not  long  ago  at  a  Gymnasium  in  Galicia  one 
of  the  boys  shot  a  master  out  of  revenge;  they  said 
it  was  because  the  boy  was  getting  on  badly  with  his 
work,  but  really  it  was  about  a  girl,  although  the 
master  was  36  years  old.  This  morg.  I  was  in  town 
with  Oswald  shopping;  we  met  the  Warths,  Elli 
and  .  .  .  Robert.  Oswald  said  that  Elli  was  quite 
nice-looking  but  that  Robert  was  an  ugly  beast.  Be- 
sides, he  can't  stand  him  he  said,  because  he  glared 
at  me  so.  If  only  he  knew  what  happened  in  the 
summer !  I  was  awfully  condescending  to  Robert  and 
that  made  him  furious.  If  one  could  only  save  you 
girls  from  all  the  troubles  which  the  world  calls 
"Love,"  said  Oswald  on  the  way  home.  I  was  just 
going  to  say  "I  know  that  you're  unhappy  in  love 
and  I  can  feel  for  you,"  when  Inspee  came  round 
the  corner  of  the  Bognergasse  with  her  chum  and  2 
officers  were  following  them,  so  none  of  them  saw  us. 
"Great  Scott,  Frieda's  full-fledged  now,"  said  Oswald, 
"she's  a  little  tart."  I  can't  stand  that  sort  of  vulgarity 
so  I  did  not  say  another  word  all  the  way  home.  He 
noticed  and  said  to  Mother:  "Gretl's  mouth  has  been 
frozen  up  from  envy."  That's  all.  But  it  was  really 
disgusting  of  him  and  now  I  know  what  line  to  take. 
Just  a  moment  for  a  word  or  two.  The  whole 
Christmas  Eve  has  gone  to  pot.  A  commissionaire 
came  with  a  bouquet  for  Dora  and  Father  is  fuming. 
I  wish  I  knew  who  sent  it.  I  wonder  if  it  was  one 
of  those  2  officers?  Of  course  Inspee  says  she  has 
not  the  ghost  of  an  idea.    What  surprises  me  is  that 


FIRST  YEAR  55 

Oswald  has  not  given  her  away.  All  he  said  was: 
I  say,  what  a  lark!  But  Father  was  down  on  him 
like  anything,  "You  hold  your  jaw  and  think  of  your 
own  beastly  conduct."  I  didn't  envy  him;  I  don't 
think  much  of  Dora's  looks  myself,  but  apparently  she 
pleases  someone.  In  the  bouquet  there  was  a  poem, 
and  Dora  got  hold  of  it  quickly  before  Father  had 
seen  it.  It  was  awfully  pretty,  and  it  was  signed: 
One  for  whom  you  have  made  Christmas  beautiful! 
The  heading  is:  "The  Magic  Season."  I  think 
Dora's  splendid  not  to  give  herself  away;  even  to  me 
she  declares  she  does  not  know  who  sent  it;  but  of 
course  that  may  be  all  humbug.  I  think  it  really  comes 
from  young  Perathoner,  with  whom  she's  always 
skating. 

December  28th.  I've  had  absolutely  no  time  to 
write.  I  got  everything  I  wanted.  Aunt  Dora  gave 
both  of  us  an  opera  glass  in  mother-of-pearl  in  a  plush 
case.  We  are  going  to  all  the  school  performances, 
Father's  arranged  it;  he  has  subscribed  to  all  the 
performances  during  the  school  year  19 —  to  19 — . 
I  am  so  delighted  for  Frau  Doktor  M.  will  come  too. 
I  do  hope  I  shall  sit  next  to  her. 

December  31st.  To-day  I  wanted  to  read  through 
all  I  have  written,  but  I  could  not  manage  it  but  in 
the  new  year  I  really  must  write  every  day. 

January  1st,  19 — .  I  must  write  a  few  sentences 
at  least.  For  the  afternoon  we  had  been  invited  to 
the  Rydberg's  the  Warths  were  there  and  Edle  von 
Wernhoff ! !  I  was  just  the  same  as  usual  with  Lisel 
but  I  would  not  say  a  word  to  R.  They  left  before 
us,  and  then  Heddy  asked  me  what  was  wrong  be- 
tween me  and  R.  He  had  said  of  me:  Any  one  can 
have  the  black  goose  for  me.  Then  he  said  that  any 
one  could  take  me  in.     I  was  so  stupid  that  I  would 


56  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

believe  anything.  I  can't  think  what  he  meant,  for 
he  never  took  me  in  about  anything.  Anyhow  I  would 
not  let  him  spoil  new  year's  day  for  me.  But  Hella 
is  quite  right  for  if  the  first  person  one  meets  on  Janu- 
ary 1st  is  a  common  person  that's  a  bad  beginning. 
The  first  thing  this  morning  when  I  went  out  I  met 
our  old  postman  who's  always  so  grumpy  if  he's  kept 
waiting  at  the  door.  I  looked  the  other  way  directly 
and  across  the  street  a  fine  young  gentleman  was  pass- 
ing, but  it  was  no  good  for  the  common  postman  had 
really  been  the  first. 

January  12  th.  I  am  so  angry.  We  mayn't  go  skat- 
ing any  more  because  Inspee  has  begun  to  complain 
again  of  her  silly  old  ears  and  Mother  imagines  that 
she  got  her  earache  last  year  skating.  It's  all  right 
to  keep  her  at  home;  but  why  shouldn't  /go?  How 
can  /  help  it  when  she  gets  a  chill  so  easily?  In  most 
things  Father  is  justice  itself,  but  I  really  can't  under- 
stand him  this  time.  It's  simply  absurd,  only  it's  too 
miserable  to  call  it  absurd.  I'm  in  a  perfect  fury. 
Still,  I  don't  say  anything. 

February  12th.  I  have  not  written  for  a  whole 
month,  I've  been  working  so  hard.  To-day  we  got 
our  reports.  Although  I've  been  working  so  fright- 
fully hard,  again  I  only  got  a  2  in  Diligence.  Frau 
Doktor  M.  made  a  splendid  speech  and  said:  As 
you  sow,  so  you  shall  reap.  But  that's  not  always  true. 
In  Natural  History  I  did  not  know  my  lesson  twice  but 
I  got  a  1,  and  in  History  I  only  did  not  know  my 
lesson  once  and  I  got  Satisfactory.  Anyhow  Frau- 
lein  V.  does  not  like  me  because  of  that  time  when  I 
did  not  bow  to  her  in  the  tram.  That  is  why  in  Janu- 
ary, when  Mother  asked  about  me,  she  said:  "She 
does  not  really  put  her  back  into  her  work."  I  over- 
heard Father  say:    After  all  she's  only  a  kid,  but  to- 


FIRST  YEAR  57 

day  he  made  a  frightful  row  about  the  2  in  Diligence. 
He  might  have  known  why  she  gave  me  that.  Dora, 
so  she  says,  has  only  ones,  but  she  has  not  shown  me 
the  report.  I  don't  believe  what  I  don't  see.  And 
Mother  never  gives  her  away  to  me. 

February  15th.  Father  is  furious  because  Oswald 
has  an  Unsatisfactory  in  Greek.  Greek  is  really  no 
use;  for  no  one  uses  Greek,  except  the  people  who 
live  in  Greece  and  Oswald  will  never  go  there,  if  he 
is  going  to  be  a  judge  like  Father.  Of  course  Dora 
learns  Latin;  but  not  for  me  thank  you.  Hella's  re- 
port is  not  particularly  good  and  her  father  was  in  a 
perfect  fury! !  !  He  says  she  ought  to  have  a  better 
report  than  any  one  else.  She  does  not  bother  much 
and  says:  One  can't  have  everything.  But  if  she 
doesn't  get  nothing  but  ones  in  the  summer  term  she 
is  not  to  stay  at  the  high  school  and  will  have  to  go 
to  the  middle  school.  That'll  make  her  sit  up. 
Father's  awfully  funny  too :  What  have  you  got  his- 
tory books  for,  if  you  don't  read  them?  Yesterday 
when  I  was  reading  my  album  of  stories,  Father  came 
in  and  said:  You  like  a  story  book  better  than  a 
history  book,  and  shut  the  book  up  and  took  it  away 
from  me.  I  was  in  such  a  temper  that  I  went  to  bed 
at  7  o'clock  without  any  supper. 

February  20th.  I  met  the  Gold  Fairy  to-day.  She 
spoke  to  me  and  asked  why  I  did  not  come  skating 
any  more.  The  fancy  dress  Ice  Carnival  on  the  24th 
was  splendid  she  said.  I  said:  Would  you  believe 
it,  a  year  ago  my  sister  had  an  earache,  and  for  that 
reason  they  won't  allow  either  of  us  to  skate  this  year. 
She  laughed  like  anything  and  said  so  exquisitely: 
Oh,  what  a  wicked  sister.  She  looked  perfectly 
ravishing:  A  red-brown  coat  and  skirt  trimmed  with 
fur,  sable  I  believe,  and  a  huge  brown  beaver  hat  with 


58  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

crepe-de-chine  ribbons,  lovely.  And  her  eyes  and 
mouth.  I  believe  she  will  marry  the  man  who  is  al- 
ways going  about  with  her.  Next  autumn,  when  we 
get  new  winter  clothes,  I  shall  have  a  fur  trimmed 
red-brown.  We  must  not  always  be  dressed  alike. 
Hella  and  Lizzi  are  never  dressed  alike. 

March  8th.  I  shall  never  say  another  word  to  Berta 
Franke;  she's  utterly  false.  I've  such  a  frightful 
headache  because  I  cried  all  through  the  lesson.  She 
wrote  to  Hella  and  me  in  the  arithmetic  lesson:  A 
Verhaltnis x  means  something  quite  different.  Just 
at  that  moment  the  mistress  looked  across  and  said: 
To  whom  were  you  nodding?  She  said:  To  Lainer. 
Because  she  laughed  at  the  word  "Verhaltnis."  It  was 
not  true.  I  had  not  thought  about  the  word  at  all. 
It  wasn't  till  I  had  read  the  note  that  it  occurred  to 
Hella  and  me  what  Verhaltnis  means.  After  the  les- 
son Fraulein  St.  called  us  down  into  the  teachers'  room 
and  told  Frau  Doktor  M.  that  Franke  and  I  had 
laughed  at  the  use  of  the  word  "Verhaltnis."  Frau 
Doktor  said:  What  was  there  to  laugh  at?  Why  did 
you  not  just  do  your  sums?  Fraulein  St.  said:  You 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourselves,  young  girls  in  the 
first  class  shouldn't  know  anything  about  such  things. 
I  shall  have  to  speak  to  your  mothers.  In  the  German 
lesson  Frau  Doktor  M.  told  us  to  write  an  essay  on 
the  proverb :  Pure  the  heart  and  true  the  word,  clear 
the  brow  and  free  the  eye,  these  are  our  safeguards, 
or  something  of  that  sort;  I  must  get  Hella  to  write  it 
for  me,  for  I  was  crying  all  through  the  lesson. 

March  10th.  To-day  Berta  Franke  wanted  to  talk 
things  out  with  us ;  but  Hella  and  I  told  her  we  would 

1The  German  word  Verhaltnis  as  used  in  the  arithmetic  lesson 
means    ratio,    proportion.      The    word    is    in    common    use    in 
Germany  for  a  love  intimacy  or  liaison.  — Translators'  Note. 


FIRST  YEAR  59 

not  speak  to  her  again.  We  told  her  to  remember 
what  sort  of  things  she  had  said  to  us.  She  denied  it 
all  already.  We  shouldn't  be  such  humbugs.  It  was 
mean  of  her.  Really  we  didn't  know  anything  and 
she  told  us  all  about  it.  Hella  has  told  me  again  and 
again  she  wished  we  didn't  know  anything.  She  says 
she's  always  afraid  of  giving  herself  away  and  that 
she  often  thinks  about  that  sort  of  thing  when  she 
ought  to  be  learning  her  lessons.  So  do  I.  And  one 
often  dreams  about  such  things  at  night  when  one 
has  been  talking  about  them  in  the  afternoon.  Still, 
it's  better  to  know  all  about  it. 

March  22nd.  I  so  seldom  manage  to  write  any- 
thing, first  of  all  our  lessons  take  such  a  lot  of  time, 
and  second  because  I  don't  care  about  it  any  more 
since  what  Father  said  the  other  day.  The  last  time 
I  wrote  was  on  Saturday  afternoon,  and  Father  came 
in  and  said :  Come  along  children,  we'll  go  to  Schon- 
brunn.  That  will  do  you  more  good  than  scribbling 
diaries  which  you  only  go  and  lose  when  you've  writ- 
ten them.  So  Mother  told  Father  all  about  it  in  the 
holidays.  I  couldn't  have  believed  it  of  Mother  for 
I  begged  her  to  promise  not  to  tell  anyone.  And  she 
said:  One  doesn't  promise  about  a  thing  like  that; 
but  I  won't  tell  anyone.  And  now  she  must  have  told 
about  it,  although  she  said  she  wouldn't.  Even 
Franke's  deceitfulness  was  nothing  to  that  for  after 
all  we've  only  known  her  since  last  autumn,  but  I 
could  never  have  believed  that  Mother  would  do  such 
a  thing.  I  told  Hella  when  we  were  having  tea  at 
the  Tivoli  and  she  said  she  would  not  altogether  trust 
her  mother,  she'd  rather  trust  her  father.  But  if  that 
had  happened  to  her,  her  father  would  have  boxed 
her  ears  with  the  diary.  I  did  not  want  to  show  any- 
thing, but  in  the  evening  I  only  gave  Mother  quite  a 


60  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

little  kiss.  And  she  said,  what's  the  matter,  dear?  has 
anything  happened?  Then  I  could  not  keep  it  in 
and  I  cried  like  anything  and  said :  You've  betrayed 
me.  And  Mother  said:  "I?"  Yes,  you;  you  told 
Father  about  the  diary  though  you  promised  me  you 
wouldn't.  At  first  Mother  didn't  remember  anything 
about  it,  but  soon  she  remembered  and  said:  "But, 
little  one,  I  tell  Father  everything.  All  you  meant  was 
that  Dora  was  not  to  know."  That's  quite  true,  it's 
all  right  that  Dora  wasn't  told;  but  still  Father  need 
not  have  been  told  either.  And  Mother  was  awfully 
sweet  and  nice  and  I  didn't  go  to  bed  till  10  o'clock. 
But  whatever  happens  I  shan't  tell  her  anything  again 
and  I  don't  care  about  the  old  diary  any  more.  Hella 
says:  Don't  be  stupid;  I  ought  just  to  go  on  writing; 
but  another  time  I  should  be  careful  not  to  lose  any- 
thing, and  besides  I  should  not  blab  everything  to 
Mother  and  Father.  She  says  she  no  longer  tells  her 
mother  anything  since  that  time  in  the  summer  when 
her  mother  gave  her  a  box  on  the  ear  because  that 
other  girl  had  told  her  all  about  everything.  It's  quite 
true,  Hella  is  right,  I'm  just  a  child  still  in  the  way 
I  run  to  Mother  and  tell  her  everything.  And  it's  not 
nice  of  Father  to  tease  me  about  my  diary;  I  suppose 
he  never  kept  one  himself. 

March  27th.  Hurrah  we're  going  to  Hainfeld  for 
Easter;  I  am  so  delighted.  Mother  has  a  friend  there 
whose  husband  is  doctor  there,  so  she  has  to  live  there 
all  the  year  round.  Last  year  in  the  winter  she  and 
Ada  stayed  three  days  with  us  because  her  eyes  were 
bad.  Ada  is  really  nearly  as  old  as  Dora,  but  Dora 
said,  like  her  cheek:  "Her  intellectual  level  makes 
her  much  more  suitable  company  for  you  than  for  me." 
Dora  thinks  herself  cleverer  than  anyone  else.  They 
have  2  boys,  but  I  don't  know  them  very  well  for  they 


FIRST  YEAR  61 

are  only  8  and  9.  Mother's  friend  was  in  an  asylum 
once,  for  she  went  off  her  head  when  her  2  year  old 
baby  died.  I  remember  it  quite  well.  It  must  have 
been  more  than  2  years  ago  when  Father  and  Mother 
were  always  talking  of  poor  Anna  who  had  lost  her 
child  within  3  days.  And  I  believed  she  had  really 
lost  it,  and  once  I  asked  whether  they  had  found  it 
yet.  I  thought  it  had  been  lost  in  the  forest,  because 
there's  such  a  great  forest  at  Hainfeld.  And  since 
then  I  can't  bear  to  hear  people  say  lost  when  they 
mean  dead,  for  it  is  so  difficult  to  know  which  they 
really  mean. 

On  the  8th  of  April  the  Easter  holidays  will  begin 
and  we  shall  go  on  the  11th,  on  Maundy  Thursday. 

April  6th.  I  don't  know  what  to  do  about  writing 
my  diary.  I  don't  want  to  take  it  with  me  and  as 
for  remembering  everything  and  writing  it  down  after- 
wards I  know  quite  well  I  should  never  do  that.  Hella 
says  I  should  only  jot  it  down  in  outline,  that's  what 
Frau  Doktor  M.  always  says,  and  write  it  out  properly 
after  I  come  back  from  Hainfeld.  That's  what  she 
does.  They  are  going  to  the  Brioni  Islands.  I've 
never  seen  the  sea.  Hella  says  there's  nothing  so 
wonderful  about  it.  She's  been  there  four  times. 
Anyway  she  does  not  think  so  much  of  it  as  most 
people  do.  So  it  can't  be  anything  so  frightfully 
grand.    Rather  stupid  I  dare  say. 

April  12th.  We  got  here  yesterday.  Ada  is  a 
darling  but  the  two  boys  are  awfully  vulgar.    Ernstl 

said  to  Ada:    I  shall  give  you  a  smack  on  the  a 

if  you  don't  give  me  my  pistol  directly.  Ada  is  as 
tall  as  her  mother.  Their  speech  is  rather  countrified. 
Even  the  doctor's.  He  drinks  a  frightful  lot  of  beer, 
7  quarts  I  believe. 

April  14th.     Father  came  to-day.     He's  awfully 


62  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

fond  of  the  doctor.  They  kissed  one  another.  It  did 
make  me  laugh.  In  the  morning  we  were  in  the  forest; 
but  there  are  no  violets  yet,  only  a  few  snowdrops,  but 
a  tremendous  lot  of  hellebores  quite  red. 

April  15th.  We  got  up  at  4  yesterday  morning. 
We  did  not  go  into  the  church  for  Mother  was  afraid 
that  the  smell  of  incense  and  boots  would  make  Dora 
feel  bad.  What  rot!  It  was  lovely.  This  afternoon 
we  are  going  to  Ramsau,  it's  lovely  there. 

April  16th.  Father  went  home  to-day.  We  go 
home  to-morrow.  At  Whitsuntide  Ada's  mother  is 
going  to  bring  her  to  be  confirmed.  They  are  all 
coming  to  stay  with  us.  I  got  stuck  in  a  bog  on  the 
bank  of  the  Ramsau.  It  was  awful.  But  the  doctor 
pulled  me  out  and  then  we  did  all  laugh  so  when  we 
saw  what  my  shoes  and  stockings  were  like.  Luckily 
I  was  able  to  catch  hold  of  a  tree  stump  or  I  should 
have  sunk  right  in. 

April  18th.  Hella  says  it  was  splendid  at  the  Brioni 
Islands.  She  is  frightfully  sunburned.  I  don't  like 
that,  so  I  shall  never  go  to  the  south.  Hella  says  that 
if  one  marries  in  winter  one  must  spend  one's  honey- 
moon in  the  south.  That  would  not  suit  me,  I  should 
just  put  off  my  marriage  till  the  summer. 

Ada  is  only  13  not  14  like  Dora,  and  the  parish 
priest  makes  a  tremendous  fuss  because  she's  not  con- 
firmed yet.  Her  mother  is  going  to  bring  her  to  be 
confirmed  soon.  We  are  not  going  to  be  confirmed 
because  Father  and  Mother  don't  want  to  be  bothered 
with  it.  Still  I  should  like  to  be  confirmed,  for  then 
one  has  to  have  a  watch,  and  one  can  ask  for  some- 
thing else  at  Christmas. 

April  21st.  Our  lessons  are  something  frightful 
just  now.  The  school  inspector  is  coming  soon.  It's 
always  very  disagreeable.     Mme  A.  says:     The  in- 


FIRST  YEAR  63 

spection  is  for  the  staff  not  for  the  pupils.  Still,  it's 
horrid  for  the  pupils  too  first  of  all  because  we  get 
blamed  at  the  time  and  secondly  because  the  staff 
makes  such  a  frightful  row  about  it  afterwards.  Dora 
says  that  a  bad  inspection  can  make  one's  report  2 
degrees  worse.  By  the  way,  that  reminds  me  that 
I  have  not  yet  written  why  Oswald  did  not  come  home 
at  Easter.  Although  his  reports  were  not  at  all  good, 
he  was  allowed  to  go  to  Aunt  Alma's  at  Pola,  because 
this  year  Richard  comes  home  for  the  holidays  for 
the  last  time.  After  that  he's  going  away  for  three 
years  in  the  steamship  "Ozean"  to  the  East  or  Turkey 
or  Persia,  I  don't  quite  know  where.  If  Oswald  likes 
he  can  go  into  the  Navy  too  in  two  years. 

May  9th.  The  school  inspector  came  to-day,  first 
of  all  in  natural  history,  thank  goodness  I  wasn't 
in  for  it  that  time,  and  then  in  German;  I  was  in 
that,  reading  and  in  the  table  of  contents  of  the 
Wandering  Bells.  Thank  goodness  I  got  through 
all  right. 

May  14th.  It's  Mother's  birthday  to-day.  We've 
had  simply  no  time  to  work  anything  for  her,  so  we 
got  a  wonderful  electric  lamp  for  her  bed  table,  the 
switch  is  a  bunch  of  grapes  and  the  stand  is  made 
of  brass.  She  was  so  pleased  with  it.  Yesterday 
Frau  v.  R.  was  here.  She's  a  friend  of  Mother's  and 
of  Hella's  mother.  I  should  like  to  have  music  lessons 
from  Frau  v.  R.,  she  gives  lessons  since  her  husband 
who  was  a  major  died  though  she  is  quite  well  off. 

May  15th.  That  must  have  been  true  about  the 
inspection;  in  the  interval  to-day  Professor  Igel- 
Nikel  said  to  the  Herr  Religionsprofessor:  Well,  he 
will  go  on  coming  all  through  the  week  and  then  we 
shall  be  all  right  for  this  year.  We,  of  course  that 
means  the  staff.    But  really  the  staff  can't  help  it  if 


64  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

the  pupils  are  no  good.  Though  Oswald  says  it's 
all  the  fault  of  the  staff.  I  shall  be  glad  too  when 
the  inspection  is  over.  The  staff  is  always  quite  dif- 
ferent when  the  inspector  is  there,  some  are  better, 
some  are  stricter,  and  Mme.  A.  says:  I  always  feel 
quite  ill  with  anxiety. 

May  29th.  At  Whitsuntide  Frau  Doctor  Haslinger 
came  from  Hainfeld  with  Ada  and  the  two  boys  for 
the  confirmation.  On  Whitsunday  the  doctor  came 
too  and  in  the  evening  they  all  went  home  again. 
Ada  is  very  pretty,  but  she  looks  countrified.  I'm 
not  going  to  be  confirmed  anyhow.  We  had  to  wait 
3  hours,  though  the  Friday  before  Whitsunday  was 
a  very  fine  day.  Dora  did  not  come;  only  Mother 
and  I  and  Ada  and  her  mother.  The  women  who 
were  selling  white  favours  all  thought  that  I  was  one 
of  the  candidates  because  I  wore  a  white  dress  too. 
Ada  was  rather  put  out  about  it.  On  Saturday  we 
were  in  town  in  the  morning  and  afternoon  because 
Ada  liked  that  better  than  the  Kahlenberg;  on  Sunday 
morning  we  went  to  Schonbrunn  and  in  the  afternoon 
they  went  home.  The  watch  they  gave  to  Ada  was  a 
lovely  one  and  Dora  and  I  gave  her  a  gold  chain  for 
a  locket.  She  enjoyed  herself  immensely,  except  that 
on  Sunday  she  had  a  frightful  headache.  Because 
she  is  not  used  to  town  noises. 

May  31st.  Ada  knows  a  good  deal  already,  but 
not  everything.  I  told  her  a  few  things.  In  H.  last 
winter  a  girl  drowned  herself  because  she  was  going 
to  have  a  baby.  It  made  a  great  sensation  and  her 
mother  told  her  a  little,  but  not  everything.  Ada 
once  saw  a  bitch  having  her  pups,  but  she  didn't  tell 
her  mother  about  it ;  she  thought  that  her  mother  might 
be  very  angry.  Still,  she  could  not  help  it,  the  dog 
belonged  to  their  next  door  neighbour  and  she  hap- 


FIRST  YEAR  65 

pened  to  see  it  in  the  out-house.  Ada  is  expecting 
it  to  begin  every  day  for  she  is  nearly  14.  In  H.  every 
grown-up  girl  has  an  admirer.  Ada  says  she  will 
have  one  as  soon  as  she  is  14 ;  she  knows  who  it  will  be. 

June  3rd.  Ada  wrote  to-day  to  thank  Mother  about 
the  confirmation  and  she  wrote  to  me  as  well.  It  is 
strange  that  she  did  not  make  friends  with  Dora  but 
with  me.  I  think  that  Dora  won't  talk  about  those 
things,  at  least  only  with  her  friends  in  the  high 
school,  especially  with  Frieda  Ertl.  That  is  why  Ada 
made  friends  with  me,  though  I  am  2  years  younger. 
She  is  really  an  awfully  nice  girl. 

June  19th.  One  thing  after  another  goes  missing 
in  our  class,  first  it  was  Fleischer's  galoshes,  then  my 
new  gloves,  three  times  money  was  missing,  and  to- 
day Fraulein  Steiner's  new  vanity  bag.  There  was  a 
great  enquiry.  But  nothing  was  found  out.  We  all 
think  it  is  Schmolka.  But  no  one  will  tell.  To-day 
we  could  none  of  us  attend  to  our  lessons  especially 
when  Sch.  left  the  room  at  j4  past  11. 

June  20th.  In  our  closet  the  school  servant  found 
some  beads  on  the  floor  but  since  she  did  not  know 
anything  she  threw  them  into  the  dustbin.  Was  it 
really  Sch.?  It  would  be  a  dirty  trick.  Frl.  St.  is 
frightfully  upset  because  her  betrothed  gave  her  the 
vanity  bag  for  a  birthday  present  and  his  photo  was 
in  it.  But  I'm  really  sorry  for  Sch.  Nobody  will 
speak  to  her  although  nothing  is  proved  yet.  She  is 
frightfully  pale  and  her  eyes  are  always  full  of  tears. 
Hella  thinks  too  that  perhaps  she  didn't  do  it,  for  she 
is  one  of  Frl.  St.'s  favourites  and  she  is  very  fond  of 
her  herself.  She  always  carries  the  copybooks  home 
for  her. 

June  22nd.  Our  closet  was  stopped  up  and  when 
the  porter  came  to  see  what  was  the  matter  he  found 


66  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

the  vanity  bag.  But  what  use  is  it  to  Frl.  now;  she 
can't  possibly  use  it  any  more.  We  giggled  all  through 
lessons  whenever  we  caught  one  another's  eye  and  the 
staff  was  in  a  frightful  rage.  Only  Frau  Doktor  M. 
said:  "Now  please  get  through  with  your  laughing 
over  this  extremely  unsavoury  affair,  and  then  have 
done  with  it." 

June  23rd.  There  was  a  frightful  row  to-dav. 
Verbenowitsch  was  collecting  the  German  copybooks 
and  when  Sch.  wanted  to  hand  up  her  copybook  she 
said:  Please  give  up  your  copybook  yourself;  I  won't 
have  anything  to  do  with  (then  there  was  a  long 
pause)  you.  We  were  all  apalled  and  Sch.  went  as 
white  as  a  sheet.  At  10  o'clock  she  begged  permission 
to  leave  the  room  because  she  felt  bad.  I'm  sure  her 
mother  will  come  to  speak  about  it  to-morrow. 

June  24th.  Sch.'s  mother  did  not  come  after  all. 
Verbenowitsch  said:  Of  course  not!  Sch.  did  not 
come  either.  Hella  says  she  couldn't  stand  anything 
like  that,  she  would  rather  drown  herself.  I  don't 
know,  one  wants  other  reasons  for  drowning  oneself. 
Still,  I  should  tell  Father  so  that  he  could  speak  about 
it  at  school.  Franke  said:  Yes,  that's  all  very  well, 
because  you  didn't  do  it;  but  if  one  had  done  it  one 
would  not  dare  to  say  anything  at  home.  Besides, 
Sch.'s  father  is  an  invalid,  he's  quite  paralysed,  has 
been  bedridden  for  two  years  and  can't  speak. 

June  27th.  To-day  Hella  and  I  walked  home  with 
Frau  Doktor  M.  Really  she  always  goes  home  alone 
but  Hella  suddenly  left  me  and  went  up  to  Frau 
Doktor  in  the  street  and  said :  Please  excuse  me  Frau 
Doktor  for  bothering  you  in  the  street,  we  must  speak 
to  you.  She  got  quite  red.  Then  Frau  Doktor  said: 
"What's  the  matter?"  And  Hella  said:  "Isn't  it 
possible  to  find  out  who  took  the  vanity  bag?     If 


FIRST  YEAR  67 

it  wasn't  Sch.  the  way  the  other  girls  treat  her  will 
make  her  quite  ill,  and  if  it  was  we  can't  stand  having 
her  among  us  any  longer."  Hella  was  really  splendid 
and  Frau  Doktor  M.  made  us  tell  her  everything  that 
had  happened,  including  about  Verbenowitsch  and 
the  copybooks;  and  we  saw  quite  clearly  she  had  tears 
in  her  eyes  and  she  said:  "The  poor  child!  Children, 
I  promise  I  will  do  what  I  can  for  her."  We  both 
kissed  her  hand  and  my  heart  beat  furiously.  And 
Hella  said:  "You  are  an  angel."  I  could  never  have 
managed  to  say  a  thing  like  that. 

June  28th.  To-day  Sch.  was  there  again,  but  Frau 
Doktor  M.  did  not  say  anything.  Hella  and  I  kept 
on  looking  at  her  and  Hella  cleared  her  throat  three 
times  and  Frau  Doktor  said:  Bruckner,  do  stop  clear- 
ing your  throat;  it  will  only  make  your  sore  throat 
worse :  But  it  seemed  to  me  her  eyes  twinkled  as  she 
said  it.  So  she  hasn't  forgotten.  I  wanted  to  speak 
to  Sch.,  but  Hella  said:  Wait  a  bit,  we  must  give  the 
Frau  Doktor  a  chance.  She's  taken  the  matter  in 
hand.  To-morrow  before  9  we'll  walk  up  and  down 
in  front  of  her  house  till  she  comes  out. 

June  30th.  Unluckily  yesterday  was  a  holiday  and 
to-day  Frau  Doktor's  first  lesson  began  at  11.  But 
she  has  already  had  a  talk  with  Sch.  only  we  don't 
know  when  and  where;  certainly  it  was  not  in 
the  interval  and  she  did  not  send  for  Sch.  during 
lessons. 

July  1st.  To-day  we  walked  to  school  with  her. 
She  is  such  a  dear.  Children,  she  said,  this  is  such 
a  painful  matter,  and  it  is  difficult  to  find  a  way  out. 
Sch.  insists  that  she  did  not  do  it,  and  whether  she 
did  it  or  not  these  days  are  burning  themselves  into 
her  soul  and  Hella  asked:  "Please,  Frau  Doktor 
advise  us  what  to  do,  speak  to  her  or  not?"     Then 


68  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

she  said:  Children  I  think  that  after  this  affair  she 
won't  come  back  to  us  next  year;  you  will  be  doing  a 
good  work  if  you  make  these  last  days  bearable  to 
her.  You  were  never  intimate  with  her,  but  to  give 
her  a  friendly  word  or  two  will  do  you  no  harm  and 
may  help  her.  You  2  have  a  high  standing  in  the 
class;  your  example  will  do  good.  We  walked  writh 
her  till  we  reached  the  school,  and  because  we  were 
there  we  could  not  kiss  her  hand  but  Hella  said  out 
loud:  How  sweet  you  are!  She  must  have  heard  it. 
But  Sch.  was  not  at  school.  Father  says  he's  glad 
that  the  term  is  nearly  over,  for  I  have  been  quite 
crazy  about  this  affair.  Still,  he  thinks  that  Hella  and 
I  should  talk  to  Sch.  So  does  Mother.  But  Dora 
said :   Yes  that's  all  right  but  you  must  not  go  too  far. 

July  5th.  Sch.  was  not  at  school  to-day.  To-mor- 
row we  are  to  get  our  reports. 

July  6th.  We  cried  like  anything  I  and  Hella  and 
Verbenowitsch  because  we  shan't  see  Frau  Doktor  M. 
any  more  for  nearly  3  months.  I  only  had  2  in  His- 
tory and  Natural  History,  but  1  in  everything  else. 
Franke  says:  Anyone  who  is  not  in  Professor  Igel- 
Nigl's  good  books  can  find  out  that  he's  cranky  and 
stupid  and  he  could  never  get  a  one.  Father  is  quite 
pleased.  Of  course  Dora  has  got  only  ones  and  Hella 
has  three  twos.  Lizzi,  I  think,  has  3  or  4.  Father 
has  given  each  of  us  a  2  crown  piece,  we  can  blow  it, 
he  says  and  Mother  has  given  us  a  lace  collar. 

July  9th.  We  are  going  to  Hainfeld  this  summer, 
its  jolly,  I'm  awfully  pleased;  but  not  until  the  20th 
because  Father  can't  get  away  till  then  and  Mother 
won't  leave  Father  so  long  alone.  It  is  only  a  few 
days  anyhow.  It's  a  pity  Hella's  gone  already,  she 
left  early  this  morning  for  Parsch  near  Salzburg; 
what  a  horrid  name  and  Hella  too  doesn't  like  saying 


FIRST  YEAR  69 

it;  I  can't  think  how  anyone  can  give  a  place  such  a 
nasty  name.    They  have  rented  a  house. 

July  12th.  It's  shockingly  dull.  Nearly  every  day 
I  have  a  quarrel  with  Dora  because  she's  so  conceited. 
Oswald  came  home  yesterday.  He's  fearfully  smart, 
nearly  as  tall  as  Father  only  about  a  quarter  head 
shorter,  but  then  Father's  tremendously  tall.  And  his 
voice  is  quite  deep,  it  was  not  before.  And  he  has 
parted  his  hair  on  one  side,  it  suits  him  very  well. 
He  says  his  moustache  is  growing  already  but  it  isn't; 
one  could  see  it  if  it  were;  five  hairs  don't  make  a 
moustache. 

July  19th.  Thank  goodness  we're  going  at  last  the 
day  after  to-morrow.  Father  wanted  Mother  to  go 
away  with  us  earlier,  but  she  would  not.  It  would 
have  been  nicer  if  she  had. 

July  24th.  Our  house  is  only  3  doors  away  from 
the  Hs.  Ada  and  I  spend  the  whole  day  together. 
There  happens  to  be  a  schoolfellow  of  Dora's  here, 
one  she  gets  on  with  quite  well,  Rosa  Tilofsky. 
Oswald  says  that  Hainfeld  bores  him  to  death  and 
that  he  shall  get  a  friend  to  invite  him  somewhere. 
Nothing  will  induce  him  to  spend  the  whole  holidays 
here.  His  name  for  Ada  is:  "Country  Simplicity." 
If  he  only  knew  how  much  she  knows.  Rosa  T.  he 
calls  a  "Pimple  Complex"  because  she  has  two  or 
three  pimples.  Oswald  has  some  fault  to  find  with 
every  girl  he  comes  across.  He  says  of  Dora:  She 
is  a  green  frog,  for  she  always  looks  so  pale  and  has 
cold  hands,  and  he  says  of  me:  You  can't  say  any- 
thing about  her  yet:  "She  is  still  nothing  but  an 
unripe  embryo."  Thank  goodness  I  know  from  the 
natural  history  lessons  what  an  embryo  is,  a  little 
frog.  "I  got  in  a  frightful  wax  and  Father  said: 
Don't  you  worry,  he's  still  a  long  way  from  being  a 


70  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

man  or  he  would  be  more  polite  to  his  sisters  and 
their  lady  friends."  This  annoyed  him  frightfully, 
and  since  then  he  never  says  a  word  when  Ada  and 
Rosa  are  with  us.  My  birthday  is  coming  soon,  thank 
goodness  I  shall  be  12  then,  only  2  years  more  and 
I  shall  be  14;  I  am  so  glad.  Hella  wrote  to  me  to- 
day for  the  second  time.  In  August  she  is  going  to 
Hungary  to  stay  with  her  uncle,  he  has  a  great  estate 
and  she  will  learn  to  ride  there. 


SECOND  YEAR 

AGE  TWELVE  TO  THIRTEEN 


SECOND  YEAR 

August  1st.  It  was  awfully  jolly  on  my  birthday. 
We  drove  to  Glashtitte  where  it  is  lovely;  there  we 
cooked  our  own  dinner  in  the  inn  for  the  landlady 
was  ill  and  so  was  the  cook.  On  one's  birthday  every- 
one is  always  so  nice  to  one.  What  I  like  most  of  all 
is  the  Ebeseder  paint-box,  and  the  book  too.  But 
I  never  have  any  time  to  read.  Hella  sent  me  a 
lovely  picture:  Maternal  Happiness,  a  dachshund 
with  two  puppies,  simply  sweet.  When  I  go  home 
I  shall  hang  it  up  near  the  door  over  the  bookcase. 
Ada  gave  me  a  silk  purse  which  she  had  worked  for 
me  herself.  Aunt  Dora  gave  me  a  diary,  but  I  can't 
use  it  because  I  prefer  to  write  upon  loose  sheets. 
Grandfather  and  Grandmother  at  B.  sent  me  a  great 
piece  of  marzipan,  splendid.  Ada  thinks  it  lovely; 
she  didn't  know  marzipan  before. 

August  9th.  When  it's  not  holidays  Ada  goes  to 
school  in  St.  Polten  staying  there  with  her  aunt  and 
uncle,  because  the  school  in  H.  is  not  so  good  as  the 
school  in  St.  P.  Perhaps  next  term  she  is  coming  to 
Vienna,  for  she  has  finished  with  the  middle  school 
and  has  to  go  on  learning.  But  she  has  no  near 
relations  in  Vienna  where  she  could  stay.  She  might 
come  to  live  with  us,  Dora  could  have  a  room  to  her- 
self as  she  always  wants,  and  Ada  and  I  could  share 
a  room.  I  would  much  rather  share  a  room  with  her 
than  with  Dora  who  is  always  making  such  a  fuss. 

August  10th.  I  do  really  think!  A  boy  can  al- 
ways get  what  he  wants.    Oswald  is  really  going  for 

73 


74  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

a  fortnight  to  Znaim  to  stay  with  his  chum;  only 
Oswald  of  course.  I  should  like  to  see  what  would 
happen  if  Dora  or  I  wanted  to  go  anywhere.  A  boy 
has  a  fine  time.  It's  the  injustice  of  the  thing  which 
makes  me  furious.  For  we  know  for  certain  that  he's 
had  a  bad  report,  even  though  he  does  not  tell  us 
anything  about  it.  But  of  course  that  doesn't  matter. 
They  throw  every  2  in  our  teeth  and  when  he  gets 
several  Satisfactories  he  can  go  wherever  he  likes. 
His  chum  too;  he  only  got  to  know  Max  Rozny  this 
year  and  he's  a  chum  already.  Hella  and  I  have 
been  chums  since  we  were  in  the  second  in  the  elemen- 
tary school  and  Dora  and  Frieda  Ertl  since  they  went 
to  the  High  School.  We  both  gave  him  a  piece  of 
our  mind  about  friendship.  He  laughed  scornfully 
and  said:  That's  all  right,  the  friendships  of  men 
become  closer  as  the  years  pass,  but  the  friendships 
of  you  girls  go  up  in  smoke  as  soon  as  the  first  admirer 
turns  up.  What  cheek.  Whatever  happens  Hella  and 
I  shall  stick  to  one  another  till  we're  married,  for  we 
want  to  be  married  on  the  same  day.  Naturally  she 
will  probably  get  engaged  before  me  but  she  must 
wait  for  me  before  she's  married.  That's  simply  her 
duty  as  a  friend. 

August  12th.  Oswald  went  away  yesterday  and  we 
had  another  scene  just  before  he  left  because  he  wanted 
one  of  us  to  go  with  him  to  the  station  and  help 
carry  his  luggage.  As  if  we  were  his  servants.  Ada 
wanted  to  volunteer  to  carry  it,  but  Dora  gave  her 
a  nudge  and  luckily  she  understood  directly.  Some- 
times, but  only  sometimes,  when  Dora  gets  in  a  wax 
she  is  rather  like  Hella.  She  thinks  it's  better  that 
Oswald  has  gone  away  because  otherwise  there  are 
always  rows.  That's  because  she  always  comes  off 
second-best.     For  really  he  is  cleverer  than  she  is. 


SECOND  YEAR  75 

And  when  he  wants  to  make  her  really  angry  he  says 
something  to  her  in  Latin  which  she  can't  understand. 
I  think  that's  the  real  reason  why  she's  learning  Latin. 
I  must  say  I  would  not  bother  myself  so  about  a  thing 
like  that.     I  really  wouldn't  bother. 

August  15th.  To-day  I  posted  the  parcel  to  Hella, 
a  silver- wire  watchchain;  I  made  it  in  four  days. 
I  hope  she'll  get  it  safely,  one  can  never  be  sure  in 
Hungary. 

August  17th.  We  are  so  frightfully  busy  with 
Japanese  lanterns  and  fir  garlands.  The  people  who 
have  received  birthday  honours  are  illuminating  and 
decorating  their  houses.  While  we  were  at  work  Ada 
told  me  a  few  things.  She  knows  more  than  Hella 
and  me,  because  her  father  is  a  doctor.  He  tells  her 
mother  a  good  deal  and  Ada  overhears  a  lot  of  things 
though  they  generally  stop  talking  when  she  comes 
in.  Ada  would  like  awfully  to  be  an  actress.  I  never 
thought  of  such  a  thing  though  I've  been  to  the 
theatre  often. 

August  22nd.  Hella  is  awfully  pleased  with  the 
chain;  she  is  wearing  it.  She  is  really  learning  to 
ride  at  her  cousin's.  It's  a  pity  he's  called  Lajos. 
But  Ludwig  is  not  any  better.  He  seems  to  be  awfully 
nice  and  smart,  but  it's  a  pity  he's  22  already. 

August  25th.  Ada  is  frightfully  keen  on  the  theatre. 
She  has  often  been  to  the  theatre  in  St.  Polten  and 
she  is  in  love  with  an  actor  with  whom  all  the  ladies 
in  St.  Polten  are  in  love.  That  is  why  she  wants 
to  be  an  actress  and  so  that  she  can  live  free  and 
unfettered.  That  is  why  she  would  like  so  much  to 
come  to  Vienna.  I  wish  she  could  come  and  live  with 
us.  She  says  she  is  pining  away  in  H.  for  it's 
a  dull  hole.  She  says  she  can't  stand  these  cramping 
conditions.     In  St.  Polten  she  spent  all  her  pocket 


76  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

money  upon  flowers  for  him.  She  always  said  that 
she  had  to  buy  such  a  lot  of  copybooks  and  things 
for  school.  That's  where  she's  lucky  not  to  be  at 
home,  for  I  could  not  easily  take  in  Mother  like  that. 
It  would  not  work.  One  always  has  too  little  pocket 
money  anyhow,  and  when  one  lives  at  home  one's 
parents  know  just  what  copybooks  one  has.  I  should 
like  to  go  away  from  home  for  a  few  months.  Ada 
says  it  is  very  good  for  one,  for  then  one  learns  to 
know  the  world;  at  home,  she  says,  one  only  grows 
musty  and  fusty.  When  she  talks  like  that  she  really 
looks  like  an  actress  and  she  certainly  has  talent; 
her  German  master  at  school  says  so  too.  She  can 
recite  long  poems  and  the  girls  are  always  asking  the 
master  to  let  her  recite. 

August  30th.  To-day  Ada  recited  Geibel's  poem, 
The  Death  of  Tiberius,  it  was  splendid;  she  is  a 
born  actress  and  it's  a  horrid  shame  she  can't  go  on 
the  stage;  she  is  to  teach  French  or  sewing.  But  she 
says  she's  going  on  the  stage;  I  expect  she  will  get 
her  way  somehow. 

August  31st.  Oswald's  having  a  fine  long  fort- 
night ;  he's  still  there  and  can  stay  till  September  4th !  ! 
If  it  had  been  Dora  or  me.  There  would  have  been 
a  frightful  hulabaloo.  But  Oswald  may  do  anything. 
Ada  says:  We  girls  must  take  for  ourselves  what 
the  world  won't  give  us  of  its  own  free  will. 

September  5th.  In  the  forest  the  other  day  I 
promised  Ada  to  ask  Mother  to  let  her  come  and  stay 
with  us  so  that  she  could  be  trained  for  the  stage. 
I  asked  Mother  to-day,  but  she  said  it  was  quite  out 
of  the  question.  Ada's  parents  simply  could  not  afford 
it.  If  she  has  talent,  the  thing  comes  of  itself  and  she 
need  only  go  to  a  school  of  Dramatic  Art  so  that  she 
could  more  easily  get  a  good  Theatre  says  Ada.     So 


SECOND  YEAR  77 

I  don't  see  why  it  should  be  so  frightfully  expensive. 
I'm  awfully  sorry  for  Ada. 

September  10th.  Oh  we  have  all  been  so  excited. 
I've  got  to  pack  up  my  diary  because  we're  going 
home  to-morrow.  I  must  write  as  quickly  as  I  can. 
There  have  been  some  gypsies  here  for  three  days, 
and  yesterday  one  of  the  women  came  into  the  garden 
through  the  back  gate  and  looked  at  our  hands  and 
told  our  fortunes,  mine  and  Ada's  and  Dora's.  Of 
course  we  don't  believe  it,  but  she  told  Ada  that 
she  would  have  a  great  but  short  career  after  many 
difficult  struggles.  That  fits  in  perfectly.  But  she 
made  a  frightful  mess  of  it  with  me :  Great  happiness 
awaits  me  when  I  am  as  old  again  as  I  am  now;  & 
great  passion  and  great  wealth.  Of  course  that  must 
mean  that  I  am  to  marry  at  24.  At  24!  How 
absurd !  Dora  says  that  I  look  much  younger  than  12 
so  that  she  meant  20  or  even  18.  But  that's  just 
as  silly,  for  Dr.  H.,  who  is  a  doctor  and  knows  so 
many  girls,  says  I  look  older  than  my  age.  So  that 
it's  impossible  that  the  old  gypsy  woman  could  have 
thought  I  was  only  10  or  even  9.  Dora's  fortune  was 
that  in  a  few  years  she  was  to  have  much  trouble  and 
then  happiness.  And  she  told  Ada  that  her  line  of 
life  was  broken!  ! 

September  14th.  Oswald  left  early  this  morning, 
Father  kissed  him  on  both  cheeks  and  said:  For 
God's  sake  be  a  good  chap  this  last  year  at  school. 
He  has  to  matriculate  this  year,  it's  frightfully  difficult. 
But  he  says  that  anyone  who  has  cheek  enough  can 
get  through  all  right.  He  says  that  cheek  is  often 
more  help  than  a  lot  of  swoting  and  grinding.  I  know 
he's  right;  but  unfortunately  at  the  moment  it  never 
occurs  to  me  what  I  ought  to  do.  I  often  think 
afterwards,  you  ought  to  have  said  this  or  that.    Hella 


78  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

is  really  wonderful;  and  Franke  too,  though  she's  not 
particularly  clever,  can  always  make  a  smart  answer. 
If  only  half  of  what  Oswald  says  he  says  to  the  pro- 
fessors is  true,  then  I  can't  understand  why  he  is  not 
expelled  from  every  Gym.  says  Mother.  Oswald  says : 
If  one  only  puts  it  in  the  right  way  no  one  can  say 
anything.    But  that  doesn't  hold  always. 

September  16th.  Hella  is  coming  back  to-day. 
That's  why  I'm  writing  in  the  morning,  because  she's 
coming  here  in  the  afternoon.  I'm  awfully  glad.  I 
have  begged  Mother  to  buy  a  lovely  cake,  one  of  the 
kind  Hella  and  I  are  both  so  fond  of. 

September  20th.  Only  a  word  or  two.  School 
began  again  to-day.  Thank  goodness  Frau  Doktor  M. 
still  takes  our  class.  Frl.  Steiner  took  her  doctor's 
degree  at  the  end  of  the  school  year.  In  history  we 
have  a  new  Frau  Doktor,  but  we  don't  know  her 
name  yet.  The  Vischer  woman  has  been  married  in 
the  holidays !  !  !  It's  enough  to  make  one  split  with 
laughing  that  anyone  should  marry  her!!!  Dora 
says  she  wouldn't  like  to  be  her  husband;  but  most 
likely  he  will  soon  get  a  divorce.  Besides,  spectacles 
in  a  woman  are  awful.  I  can  put  up  with  a  pincenez 
for  one  does  not  wear  them  all  the  time.  But  specta- 
cles! Dora  says  too  that  she  can't  understand  how 
a  man  can  marry  a  woman  with  spectacles.  Hella 
often  says  it  makes  her  feel  quite  sick  when  Vischer 
glares  at  her  through  her  spectacles.  We  have  a  new 
natural  history  professor.  I'm  awfully  glad  that 
three  of  our  mistresses  have  doctors  degrees  and  that 
we  have  one  or  really  2  professors,  for  we  have  the 
Religionsprofessor  too.  In  the  Third  they  are  fright- 
fully annoyed  because  only  one  of  their  mistresses  has 
a  doctor's  degree.  Dora  has  2  doctors  and  three 
professors. 


SECOND  YEAR  79 

September  25th.  All  the  girls  are  madly  in  love 
with  Professor  Wilke  the  natural  history  professor. 
Hella  and  I  walked  behind  him  to-day  all  the  way 
home.  He  is  a  splendid  looking  man,  so  tall  that  his 
head  nearly  touches  the  lamp  when  he  stands  up 
quickly,  and  a  splendid  fair  beard  like  fire  when  the 
sun  shines  on  it;  a  Sun  God!  we  call  him  S.  G.,  but 
no  one  knows  what  it  means  and  who  we  are  talking 
about. 

September  29th.  Schmolka  has  left,  I  suppose  be- 
cause of  Frl.  St.'s  vanity  bag.  Two  other  girls  have 
left  and  three  new  one's  have  come,  but  neither  I 
nor  Hella  like  them. 

October  1st.  It  was  my  turn  in  Natural  History 
to-day  I  worked  frightfully  hard  and  He  was 
splendid.  We  are  to  look  after  the  pictures  and  the 
animals  all  through  the  term.  How  jolly.  Hella  and 
I  always  wear  the  same  coloured  hair  ribbons  and  in 
the  Nat.  Hist,  lesson  we  always  put  tissue  paper  of 
the  same  colour  on  the  desk.  He  wants  us  to  keep 
notebooks,  observations  on  Nature.  We  have  bound 
ours  in  lilac  paper,  exactly  the  same  shade  as  his  neck- 
tie. On  Tuesdays  and  Fridays  we  have  to  come  to 
school  at  Yi  past  8  to  get  things  ready.  Oh  how 
happy  I  am. 

October  9th.  He  is  a  cousin  of  our  gymnastic 
master,  splendid!  This  is  how  we  found  it  out.  We, 
Hella  and  I,  are  always  going  past  the  Cafe  Sick 
because  he  always  has  his  afternoon  coffee  there. 
And  on  Thursday  when  we  passed  by  there  before 
the  gymnastic  lesson  there  was  the  gymnastic  master 
sitting  with  him.  Of  course  we  bowed  to  them  as 
we  passed  and  in  the  gymnastic  lesson  Herr  Baar 
said  to  us:  So  you  two  are  tormented  and  pestered 
by  my  cousin  in  natural  history?    "Pestered"  we  said, 


80  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

o  no,  it's  the  most  delightful  lesson  in  the  whole  week. 
"Is  that  so?"  said  he,  "I  won't  forget  to  let  him  know." 
Of  course  we  begged  and  prayed  him  not  to  give  us 
away,  saying  it  would  be  awful.  But  we  do  hope  he 
will. 

October  20th.  Frau  Doktor  Steiner's  mother  is 
dead.  We  are  so  sorry  for  her.  Some  of  us  are 
going  to  the  funeral,  I  mayn't  go,  Mother  says  it  is 
not  suitable,  and  Hella  is  not  allowed  to  go  either,  I 
wonder  if  He  will  go?  I'm  sure  he  will,  for  really  he 
has  to. 

October  23rd.  Frau  Doktor  St.  looks  frightfully 
pale.  Franke  says  she  will  certainly  get  married 
soon  now  that  both  her  parents  are  dead.  Her  fiance 
often  fetches  her  from  the  Lyz,  I  mean  he  waits  for 
her  in  L.  Street.  Hella  thinks  an  awful  lot  of  him  of 
course,  because  he's  an  officer.  I  don't  think  much 
of  him  myself,  he's  too  short  and  too  fat.  He's  only 
a  very  little  taller  than  Frl.  St.  I  think  a  husband 
should  be  nearly  a  head  taller  than  his  wife,  or  at  least 
half  a  head  taller,  like  our  Father  and  Mother. 

October  29th.  We  have  such  a  frightful  lot  of 
work  to  do  that  we're  not  taking  season  tickets  this 
winter,  but  are  going  to  pay  each  time  when  we  go 
skating.  I  wish  we  knew  whether  He  skates,  and 
where.  Hella  thinks  that  with  great  caution  we  might 
find  out  from  his  cousin  during  the  gymnastic  lesson. 
They  are  often  together  in  the  Cafe.  I  should  like 
to  know  what  they  talk  about,  they  are  always  laugh- 
ing such  a  lot,  especially  when  we  go  by. 

October  31st.  Ada  has  written  to  me.  She  is 
awfully  unhappy.  She  is  back  in  St.  P.,  in  a  con- 
tinuation school.  But  the  actor  is  not  there  any  more. 
She  writes  that  she  yearns  to  throw  off  her  chains 
which  lie  heavy  on  her  soul.    Poor  darling.    No  one 


SECOND  YEAR  81 

can  help  her.  That  is,  her  Mother  could  help  her 
but  she  won't.  It  must  be  awful.  Hella  thinks  that 
her  parents  will  not  allow  her  to  go  on  the  stage  until 
she  has  tried  to  do  herself  a  mischief;  then  things  may 
be  better.  It's  quite  true,  what  can  her  mother  be 
thinking  of  when  she  knows  how  fearfully  unhappy 
Ada  is.  After  all,  why  on  earth  shouldn't  she  go  on 
the  stage  when  she  has  so  much  talent?  All  her 
mistresses  and  masters  at  the  middle  school  praised 
her  reciting  tremendously  and  one  of  them  said  in  so 
many  words  that  she  had  great  dramatic  talent. 
Masters  don't  flatter  one;  except  .  .  .;  first  of  all 
He  is  not  just  an  ordinary  master  but  a  professor,  and 
secondly  He  is  quite,  quite  different  from  all  others. 
When  he  strokes  his  beard  I  become  quite  hot  and  cold 
with  extasy.  And  the  way  he  lifts  up  his  coat  tails 
as  he  sits  down.  It's  lovely,  I  do  want  to  kiss  him. 
Hella  and  I  take  turns  to  put  our  penholder  on  his 
desk  so  that  he  can  hallow  it  with  his  hand  as  he 
writes.  Afterwards  in  the  arithmetic  lesson  when  I 
write  with  it,  I  keep  looking  at  Hella  and  she  looks 
back  at  me  and  we  both  know  what  the  other  is  think- 
ing of. 

November  15th.  It's  a  holiday  to-day  so  at  last  I 
can  write  once  more.  We  have  such  a  frightful  lot 
to  do  that  I  simply  can't  manage  to  write.  Besides 
Mother  is  often  ill.  She  has  been  laid  up  again  for 
the  last  4  days.  It's  awfully  dull  and  dreary.  Of 
course  I  had  time  to  write  those  days,  but  then  I 
didn't  want  to  write.  As  soon  as  Mother  is  well  again 
she's  going  to  the  Lyz  to  ask  how  we  are  getting  on. 
I'm  awfully  glad  because  of  S.G. 

November  28th.  Mother  came  to  school  to-day 
and  saw  him  too.  I  took  her  to  him  and  he  was 
heavenly.     He  said:    I  am  very  pleased  with  your 


82  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

daughter ;  she's  very  keen  and  clever.  Then  he  turned 
over  the  pages  of  his  notebook  as  if  to  look  at  his 
notes.  But  really  he  knows  by  heart  how  we  all  work. 
That  is  not  all  of  course.  That  would  be  impossible 
with  so  many  girls;  and  he  teaches  in  the  science 
school  as  well  where  there  are  even  more  boys  than 
we  are. 

December  5th.  Skating  to-day  I  saw  the  Gold 
Fairy.  She  is  awfully  pretty,  but  I  really  don't  think 
her  so  lovely  as  I  did  last  year.  Hella  says  she  never 
could  think  what  had  happened  to  my  eyes.  "You 
were  madly  in  love  with  her  and  you  never  noticed 
that  she  has  a  typical  Bohemian  nose,"  said  Hella. 
Of  course  that's  not  true,  but  now  my  taste  is  quite 
different.  Still,  I  said  how  d'you  do  to  her  and  she 
was  very  nice.  When  she  speaks  she  is  really  charm- 
ing, and  I  do  love  her  gold  stoppings.  Frau  Doktor 
M.  has  two  too  and  when  she  laughs  its  heavenly. 

December  8th.  I  do  wish  Dora  would  keep  her 
silly  jokes  to  herself.  When  the  Trobisch's  were  all 
here  to-day  they  were  talking  about  the  school  and 
she  said:  "Gretl  has  a  fresh  enthusiasm  each  year; 
last  year  it  was  Frau  Doktor  Malburg  and  this 
year  it's  Professor  Wilke.  Frau  Doktor  Malburg 
has  fallen  from  grace  now."  If  I  had  wanted  to 
I  could  have  begun  about  the  two  students  on  the 
ice.  But  I'm  not  like  that  so  I  merely  looked  at 
her  with  contempt  and  gave  her  a  kick  under  the 
table.  And  she  had  the  cheek  to  say:  What's  the 
matter?  Oh,  of  course  these  tender  secrets  of  the 
heart  must  not  be  disclosed.  Never  mind  Gretl,  it 
does  not  matter  at  your  age,  for  things  don't  cut  deep." 
But  she  was  rightly  paid  out:  Frau  von  Tr.  and 
Father  roared  with  laughter  and  Frau  v.  Tr.  said: 
"Why,  grandmother,  have  you  been  looking  at  your 


SECOND  YEAR  83 

white  hair  in  the  glass?"  Oh,  how  I  did  laugh,  and 
she  was  so  frightfully  put  out  that  she  blushed  like 
fire,  and  in  the  evening  she  said  to  me  that  I  was  an 
ill-mannered  pig.  That's  why  I  did  not  tell  her  that 
she'd  left  her  composition  book  on  the  table  and  to- 
morrow she  has  to  give  it  in.  It's  all  the  same  to  me, 
for  I'm  an  ill-mannered  pig. 

December  9th.  It's  awful.  At  2  o'clock  this  after- 
noon Hella  was  taken  to  the  Low  sanatorium  and  was 
operated  on  at  once.  Appendicitis.  Her  mother  has 
just  telephoned  that  the  operation  has  been  successful. 
But  the  doctors  said  that  2  hours  later  it  would  have 
been  too  late.  My  knees  are  trembling  and  my  hand 
shakes  as  I  write.  She  has  not  slept  off  the  anisthetic 
yet. 

December  10th.  Hella  is  frightfully  weak;  no  one 
can  see  her  except  her  father  and  mother,  not  even 
Lizzi.  On  St.  Nicholas  Day  we  had  such  a  jolly  time 
and  ate  such  a  lot  of  sweets  that  we  almost  made  our- 
selves sick.  But  its  impossible  that  she  got  appendi- 
citis from  that.  On  Monday  evening,  when  we  were 
going  home  after  the  gym  lesson,  she  said  she  did 
not  feel  at  all  well.  The  night  before  last  she  had  a 
rigor  and  the  first  thing  in  the  morning  the  doctor 
said  that  she  must  go  to  hospital  at  once  for  an 
operation. 

December  11th.  All  the  girls  at  school  are  fright- 
fully excited  about  Hella,  and  Frau  Dr.  St.  was 
awfully  nice  and  put  off  mathematics  till  next  Tues- 
day. On  Sunday  I  am  going  to  see  Hella.  She  does 
want  to  see  me  so  and  so  do  I  want  to  see  her. 

December  12th.  She  is  still  very  weak  and  doesn't 
care  about  anything;  I  got  her  mother  to  take  some 
roses  and  violets  from  me,  she  did  like  them  so  much. 

December  14th.    This  afternoon  I  was  with  Hella 


84  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

from  two  until  a  ]//\.  to  4.  She  is  so  pale  and  when  I 
came  in  we  both  cried  such  a  lot.  I  brought  her 
some  more  flowers  and  I  told  her  directly  that  when 
he  sees  me  Prof.  W.  always  asks  after  her.  So  do  the 
other  members  of  the  staff  especially  Frau  Doktor  M. 
The  girls  want  to  visit  her  but  her  mother  won't  let 
them.  When  anyone  is  lying  in  bed  they  look  quite 
different,  like  strangers.  I  said  so  to  Hella,  and  she 
said:  We  can  never  be  strangers  to  one  another, 
not  even  in  death.  Then  I  burst  out  crying  again 
and  both  our  mothers  said  I  must  go  away  because 
it  was  too  exciting  for  Hella. 

December  15th.  I  was  with  Hella  again  to-day. 
She  passed  me  a  little  note  asking  me  to  get  from  her 
locker  the  parcel  with  the  blotting-book  for  her  father 
and  the  key  basket  for  her  mother  and  bring  it  to  her 
because  the  things  are  not  ready  yet  for  Christmas. 

December  16th.  Hella's  better  to-day.  I've  got  to 
paint  the  blotting-book  for  her  father.  Thank  good- 
ness I  can.  She'll  be  able  to  finish  the  key  basket 
herself,  that's  nothing. 

December  18th.  The  Bruckners  are  all  frightfully 
unhappy  for  it  won't  be  a  real  Christmas  if  Hella  has 
to  stay  in  hospital  over  Christmas.  But  perhaps  she 
will  for  since  yesterday  she  has  not  been  so  well, 
the  doctors  can't  make  out  why  she  suddenly  had 
fever  once  more.  For  she  didn't  let  on  that  I  had 
brought  her  some  burnt  almonds  because  she's  so 
awfully  fond  of  them.  But  now  I'm  so  terribly 
frightened  that  she'll  have  to  have  another  operation. 

December  19th.  Directly  after  school  I  went  to 
see  Hella  again  for  I  had  been  so  anxious  I  could 
not  sleep  all  night.  Thank  goodness  she's  better.  One 
of  the  doctors  said  that  if  she'd  been  in  a  private 
house  he  would  have  felt  sure  it  was  an  error  in  diet, 


SECOND  YEAR  85 

but  since  she  was  in  hospital  that  could  be  excluded. 
So  it  was  from  the  burnt  almonds  and  the  two  sticks 
of  marzipan.  Hella  thinks  it  was  the  marzipan,  for 
they  were  large  ones  at  20  hellers  each  because  nuts 
lie  heavy  on  the  stomach.  She  had  a  pain  already 
while  I  was  still  there,  but  she  wouldn't  say  anything 
about  it  because  it  was  her  fault  that  I'd  brought  her 
the  sweets.  She  can  beg  as  much  as  she  likes  now, 
I  shan't  bring  her  anything  but  flowers,  and  they 
can't  make  her  ill.  Of  course  it  would  be  different 
if  it  were  true  about  the  "Vengeance  of  Flowers." 
But  that's  all  nonsense,  and  besides  I  don't  bring  any 
strong-scented  flowers. 

December  20th.  I  am  so  glad,  to-morrow  or  Tues- 
day Hella  can  come  home,  in  time  for  the  Christmas 
tree.  Now  I  know  what  to  give  her,  a  long  chair, 
Father  will  let  me,  for  I  have  not  enough  money  my- 
self but  Father  will  give  me  as  much  as  I  want.  Oh 
there's  no  one  like  Father !  To-morrow  he's  going  to 
take  me  to  the  Wahringerstrasse  to  buy  one. 

December  21st.  I  was  only  a  very  short  time  with 
Hella  to-day  because  Father  came  to  fetch  me  soon. 
At  first  she  was  a  little  hurt,  but  then  she  saw  that 
we  had  important  business  so  she  said:  All  right 
as  long  as  it  is  not  anything  made  of  marzipan.  That 
nearly  gave  us  both  away.  For  when  we  were  in  the 
street  Father  asked  me:  Why  did  Hella  say  that 
about  marzipan?  So  I  said  quickly:  Since  she's 
been  ill  she  has  a  perfect  loathing  for  sweets. 
Thank  goodness  Father  didn't  notice  anything.  But 
I  do  hate  having  to  tell  fibs  to  Father.  First  of  all 
I  always  feel  that  he'll  see  through  it,  and  secondly 
anyhow  I  don't  like  telling  fibs  to  him.  The  couch 
is  lovely,  a  Turkish  pattern  with  long  tassels  on  the 
round  bolster.    Father  wanted  to  pay  for  it  altogether, 


86  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

but  I  said :  No,  then  it  would  not  be  my  present,  and 
so  I  paid  five  crowns  and  Father  37.  To-morrow 
early  it  will  be  sent  to  the  Bruckners. 

December  22nd.  Hella  is  going  home  to-morrow. 
She  has  already  been  up  a  little,  but  she  is  still  so 
weak  that  she  has  to  lean  on  someone  when  she  walks. 
She  is  awfully  glad  she  is  going  home,  for  she  says 
in  a  hospital  one  always  feels  as  if  one  was  going  to 
die.  She's  quite  right.  The  first  time  I  went  to  see 
her  I  nearly  burst  out  crying  on  the  stairs.  And  after- 
Wards  we  both  really  did  cry  frightfully.  Her  mother 
knows  about  the  couch,  but  it  has  not  been  sent  yet. 
I  do  hope  they  won't  forget  about  it  at  the  shop. 

December  23rd.  Hella  went  home  to-day.  Her 
father  carried  her  upstairs  while  I  held  her  hand. 
The  two  tenants  in  the  mezzanin  came  out  to  con- 
gratulate her  and  the  old  privy  councillor  on  the 
second  story  and  his  wife  sent  down  a  great  pot  of 
lilac.  She  was  so  tired  that  I  came  away  at  5  o'clock 
so  that  she  could  rest.  To-morrow  I'm  going  to  their 
Christmas  tree  first  and  then  to  ours.  Because  of 
Hella  the  Br's  are  going  to  have  the  present  giving  at 
5  o'clock,  we  shall  have  ours  as  usual  at  7. 

December  26th.  Yesterday  and  the  day  before  I 
simply  could  not  write  a  word.  It  was  lovely  here 
and  at  Hella's.  I  shan't  write  down  all  the  things 
I  got,  because  I've  no  time,  and  besides  I  know  any- 
how. Hella  was  awfully  pleased  with  the  couch,  her 
father  carried  her  into  the  room  and  laid  her  on  the 
sofa.  Her  mother  cried.  It  was  touching.  It's  cer- 
tainly awfully  nice  to  have  got  through  a  bad  illness, 
when  everyone  takes  care  of  one,  and  when  no  one 
denies  you  the  first  place.  I  don't  grudge  it  to  Hella. 
She's  such  a  darling.  Yesterday  I  was  there  all  day, 
and  after  dinner,  when  she  had  to  go  to  sleep,  she  said : 


SECOND  YEAR  87 

Open  the  drawer  of  my  writing-table,  the  lowest  one 
on  the  right,  and  you'll  find  my  diary  there  if  you 
want  to  read  it.  I  shall  never  forget  it!  It's  true 
that  we  agreed  we  would  let  one  another  read  our 
diaries,  but  we've  never  done  it  yet;  after  all  we're 
a  little  shy  of  one  another,  and  besides  after  a  long 
time  one  can't  remember  exactly  what  one  has  written. 
What  she  writes  is  always  quite  short,  never  more  than 
half  a  page,  but  what  she  writes  is  always  important. 
Of  course  she  couldn't  sleep  but  instead  I  had  to  read 
her  a  lot  of  things  out  of  her  diary,  especially  the 
holidays  when  she  was  in  Hungary.  She  was  made 
much  of  there.  By  two  cadets  and  her  two  cousins. 
We  laughed  so  madly  over  some  things  that  it  hurt 
Hella's  wound  and  I  had  to  stop  reading. 

December  29th.  We  were  put  in  such  a  frightful 
rage  yesterday.  This  is  how  it  happened.  It  is  a 
long  time  since  we  both  gave  up  playing  with  dolls 
and  things  of  that  sort  but  when  I  was  rummaging 
in  Hella's  box  I  came  across  the  dolls'  things;  they 
were  quite  at  the  bottom  where  Hella  never  looked 
at  them.  I  took  out  the  little  Paris  model  and  she 
said :  Give  it  here  and  bring  all  the  things  that  belong 
to  it.  I  arranged  them  all  on  her  bed  and  we  were 
trying  all  sorts  of  things.  Then  Mother  and  Dora 
came.  When  they  came  in  Dora  gave  such  a  spite- 
ful look  and  said:  Ah,  at  their  favourite  occupation: 
look,  Lizzi,  their  cheeks  are  quite  red  with  excitement 
over  their  play.  Wasn't  it  impertinent.  We  playing 
with  dolls !  Even  if  we  had  been,  what  business  was 
it  of  hers  to  make  fun  of  us  ?  Hella  was  in  a  frightful 
rage  and  to-day  she  said:  "One  is  never  safe  from 
spies;  please  put  all  those  things  away  in  the  box  so 
that  I  shan't  see  them  any  more."  It  really  is  too 
stupid  that  one  should  always  be  reproached  about 


88  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

dolls  as  if  it  was  something  disgraceful.  After  all, 
one  doesn't  really  understand  until  later  how  all  the 
things  are  made;  when  one  is  7  or  8  or  still  more 
when  one  is  quite  a  little  girl  and  one  first  gets  dolls, 
one  does  not  understand  whether  they  are  pretty  and 
nicely  dressed  or  not.  Still,  to-day  we've  done  with 
dolls  for  ever.  A  good  day  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf, 
for  the  day  after  to-morrow  is  New  Year's  Day. 

But  what  annoys  me  most  of  all  was  this  piece 
of  cheek  of  Dora's;  she  says  that  Lizzi  said:  "We 
used  to  delight  in  those  things  at  one  time,"  but  I 
was  in  such  a  rage  that  I  did  not  hear  it.  But  to 
eat  all  the  best  things  off  the  Christmas  tree  on  the 
sly!!!  I  saw  it  myself,  that  is  nothing.  That's  quite 
fit  and  proper  for  a  girl  of  15.  After  supper  yesterday 
I  asked:  But  what's  become  of  the  second  marzipan 
sandwich,  I'm  sure  there  were  two  on  the  tree.  And  I 
looked  at  her  steadily  till  she  got  quite  red.  And  after 
a  time  I  said:  the  big  basket  of  vegetables  is  gone 
too.  Then  she  said.  Yes,  I  took  it,  I  don't  need  to 
ask  your  permission.  As  for  the  sandwich,  Oswald 
took  that.  I  was  in  such  a  temper,  and  then  Father 
said:  Come,  come,  you  little  witch,  cool  your  wrath 
with  the  second  sandwich  and  wash  it  down  with  a 
sip  of  liqueur.  For  Grandfather  sent  Father  a  bottle 
of  liqueur. 

December  30th.  This  is  a  fine  ending  to  the  year. 
I've  no  interest  in  the  school  any  longer.  We're  silly 
little  fools,  love-sick  and  forward  minxes.  That's  all 
the  thanks  we  get  for  having  gone  every  Tuesday 
and  Friday  to  the  school  at  Yz  past  8  to  arrange  every- 
thing and  dust  everything  and  then  he  can  say  a 
thing  like  that.  I  shall  never  write  he  with  a  big  h 
again;  he  is  not  worthy  of  it.  And  I  had  to  swallow 
it  all,  choke  it  down,  for  I  simply  must  not  excite 


SECOND  YEAR  89 

Hella.  It  made  me  frightfully  angry  when  Mother 
told  me,  but  still  I'm  glad  for  I  know  what  line  to 
take  now;.    Mother  was  paying  a  call  yesterday  and 

the  sister  of  our  gymnastic  master,  who  is  at  the 

High  School,  happened  to  be  there,  and  she  told 
Mother  that  her  cousin  Dr.  W.  is  so  much  annoyed 
because  the  girls  in  the  high  school  are  so  forward. 
Such  silly  little  fools,  and  the  little  minxes  begin  it 
already  in  the  First  Class.  For  that  reason  he  prefers 
to  teach  boys,  they  are  fond  of  him  too  but  they  don't 
make  themselves  such  an  infernal  nuisance.  Well, 
now  that  I  know  /  shant  make  myself  a  nuisance  to 
him  any  more.  On  Friday,  when  the  next  lesson  is, 
I  shall  go  there  2  minutes  before  nine  and  take  the 
things  into  the  class-room  without  saying  a  word.  And 
I  shall  tell  Kalinsky  too  that  we're  such  an  infernal 
nuisance  to  him.  Just  fancy,  as  if  we  were  in  the 
First  Class! 

January  1st,  19 — .  This  business  with  Prof.  W. 
makes  me  perfectly  furious.  Hella  kept  on  asking 
yesterday  what  was  the  matter,  said  I  seemed  different 
somehow.  But  thank  goodness  I  was  able  to  keep 
it  in.  I  must  keep  it  in  for  the  sake  of  her  health, 
even  if  it  makes  me  ill.  Anyway  what  use  is  life  now. 
Since  people  are  so  falsehearted.  He  always  looked  so 
awfully  nice  and  charming;  when  I  think  of  the  way 
in  which  he  asked  how  Hella  was  and  all  the  time  he 
was  so  false! !  !  If  Hella  only  knew.  Aha,  to-mor- 
row! 

January  2nd.  I  treated  him  abominably.  Knocked 
at  the  door  —  Good-morning,  Herr  Prof,  please  what 
do  we  want  for  the  lesson  to-day?  He  very  civilly: 
Nothing  particular  to-day.  Well,  what  sort  of  a 
Christmas  did  you  have  —  I :  Thank  you,  much  as 
usual. —  He  turned  round  and  stared  at  me :     It  does 


90  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

not  seem  to  have  been;  to  judge  from  your  manner. 
— I:  There  are  quite  other  reasons  for  that.  He: 
O-o-h?  He  may  well  say  O-o-h!  For  he  has  not 
the  least  idea  that  I  know  the  way  in  which  he  speaks 
of  us. 

January  6th.  To-day  Hella  was  able  to  go  out  for 
her  first  drive.  She's  much  better  now  and  will  come 
back  to  school  by  the  middle  of  the  month.  I  must 
tell  her  before  that  or  she'll  get  a  shock.  Yesterday 
she  asked:  Does  not  S.  C.  ask  about  me  any  more? — 
Oh  yes,  I  fibbed,  but  not  so  often  as  before.  And 
she  said:  That's  the  way  it  goes,  out  of  sight  out 
of  mind.  What  will  happen  when  she  learns  the 
truth.  Anyhow  I  shan't  tell  her  until  she's  quite 
strong. 

January  10th.  I've  had  to  tell  Hella  already. 
She  was  talking  so  enthusiastically  about  S.  G.  At 
first  I  said  nothing.  And  then  she  said:  What  are 
you  making  such  a  face  for?  Are  not  you  allowed 
to  arrange  the  things  any  more? —  I:  Allowed?  Of 
course  I'm  allowed,  but  I  don't  want  to  any  more. 
I  did  not  tell  Hella  how  bad  I  feel  about  it;  for  I 
really  was  madly  in  love  with  him. 

January  12th.  Hella  must  have  been  madly  in  love 
with  him  too  or  rather  must  be  in  love  with  him  still. 
On  Sunday  evening  she  was  so  much  upset  that  her 
mother  believed  she  was  going  to  have  a  relapse.  She 
had  pains  and  diarrea  at  the  same  time.  Thank  good- 
ness she's  got  over  it  like  me.  She  said  to-day:  Don't 
let's  bother  ourselves  about  it  any  more.  We  wasted 
our  feelings  (not  love!  ! )  on  an  unworthy  object.  At 
such  moments  she  is  magnificent,  especially  now  when 
she  is  still  so  pale.  Besides  in  the  holidays  and  now 
since  she  has  been  ill  she  has  grown  tremendously. 
Before  I  was  a  little  taller  and  now  she  is  a  quarter 


SECOND  YEAR  91 

head  taller  thaii  me.  Dora  is  frightfully  annoyed 
because  I  am  nearly  as  tall  as  she  is.  Thank  goodness 
it  makes  me  look  older  than  12  ^2. 

Hella  is  not  to  come  to  school  on  January  15th,  for 
her  mother  is  going  to  take  her  to  Tyrol  for  2  or  3 
weeks. 

January  18th.  It's  horridly  dull  with  Hella  away. 
Only  now  do  I  realise,  since  her  illness.  I  am  always 
feeling  as  if  she  had  fallen  ill  again.  Her  mother 
has  taken  her  to  Meran,  they  are  coming  back  in 
the  beginning  of  February. 

January  24th.  Since  Hella  has  been  ill,  that  is 
really  since  she  went  away,  I  spend  most  of  my  time 
with  Fritzi  Hiibner.  She's  awfully  nice,  though  I  did 
not  know  it  last  year.  Till  Hella  comes  back  she  and 
I  sit  together.  For  it's  horrid  to  sit  alone  on  a  bench. 
Fritzi  knows  a  good  deal  already.  She  would  not 
talk  about  it  at  first  because  it  so  often  leads  to  trouble. 
Her  brother  has  told  her  everything.  He's  rather  a 
swell  and  is  called  Paul. 

January  29th.  Yesterday  was  the  ice  carnival  and 
Dora  and  I  were  allowed  to  go.  I  skated  with  Fritzi 
and  Paul  most  of  the  time  and  won  2  prizes,  one 
of  them  with  Paul.  And  one  of  them  skating  in  a 
race  with  5  other  girls.  Paul  is  awfully  clever,  he 
says  he's  going  into  the  army,  the  flying  corps. 
That's  even  more  select  than  being  on  the  general 
staff.  Her  father  is  a  major  and  he,  I  mean  Paul, 
ought  to  have  gone  to  the  military  academy,  but  his 
grandfather  would  not  allow  it.  He  is  to  choose  for 
himself.  But  of  course  he  will  become  an  officer. 
Most  boys  want  to  be  what  their  father  is.  But 
Oswald  is  perhaps  going  into  the  Navy.  I  wish  I 
knew  what  Father  meant  once  when  he  said  to  Mother: 
Good  God,  I'm  not  doing  it  on  my  own  account.    I'm 


92  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

only  doing  it  because  of  Oswald.  The  two  girls  won't 
get  much  out  of  it. 

February  3rd.  I've  just  been  reading  what  I  wrote 
about  Father.  I  am  wondering  what  it  can  be.  I 
think  that  Father  either  wants  to  win  the  great  prize 
in  the  lottery  or  is  perhaps  going  to  buy  a  house. 
But  Dora  and  I  would  get  something  out  of  that,  for 
it  would  not  belong  to  Oswald  only. 

February  4th.  Yesterday  I  asked  Mother  about  it. 
But  she  said  she  didn't  know;  if  it  was  anything 
which  concerned  us,  Father  would  tell  us.  But  it 
must  be  something,  or  Mother  would  not  have  told 
Father  in  the  evening  that  I  had  asked.  I  can't 
endure  these  secrets.  Why  shouldn't  we  know  that 
Father's  going  to  buy  a  house.  Fritzi's  grandfather 
has  a  house  in  Brunn  and  another  in  Iglau.  But 
Fritzi  is  very  simply  dressed  and  her  mother  too. 

February  9th.  Thank  goodness  Hella  is  coming 
back  to-morrow,  just  before  her  birthday.  Luckily 
she  can  eat  everything  again  so  I  am  giving  her  a 
huge  bag  of  Viktor  Schmid's  sweets  with  a  silver 
sugar  tongs.  Mother  and  I  are  going  to  meet  Hella 
at  the  station.    They  are  coming  by  the  8.20. 

February  10th.  I  am  so  glad  Hella  is  coming 
to-day.  I  nearly  could  not  meet  her  because  Mother 
is  not  very  well  to-day.  But  Father's  going  to  take 
me.  Fritzi  wanted  to  come  and  see  Hella  to-morrow 
afternoon,  but  she  can't.  She's  an  awfully  nice  girl 
and  her  brother  is  too,  but  on  the  first  day  Hella  is 
back  we  must  be  alone  together.  She  said  so  too  in 
the  last  letter  she  wrote  me.  She's  been  away  more 
than  3  weeks.  It's  a  frightfully  long  time  when  you 
are  fond  of  one  another. 

February  15th.  I  simply  can't  write  my  diary 
because  Hella  and  I  spend  all  our  free  time  together. 


SECOND  YEAR  93 

Yesterday  we  got  our  reports.  Of  course  Hella  has 
not  got  one.  Except  in  Geography  and  History  I 
have  nothing  but  Ones,  even  in  Natural  History, 
although  since  New  Year  I  have  not  done  any  work 
in  that  subject.  I  detest  Natural  History.  When 
Hella  comes  back  to  school  we  are  going  to  ask  the 
sometime  S.  G.  to  relieve  us  from  the  labours  of  look- 
ing after  the  things.  Hella  is  still  too  weak  to  do  it. 
Hella  is  13  already  and  Father  says  she  is  going  to 
be  wonderfully  pretty.  Going  to  be,  Father  says;  but 
she's  lovely  already.  She's  been  burned  as  brown  as 
a  berry  by  the  warm  southern  sun,  and  it  really  suits 
her,  though  only  her.  I  can't  stand  other  people 
when  they  are  sun-burned.  But  really  everything 
suits  Hella;  when  she  was  so  pale  in  hospital,  she 
was  lovely;  and  now  she  is  just  as  lovely,  only  in  quite 
a  different  way.  Oswald  is  quite  right  when  he  says: 
You  can  measure  a  girl's  beauty  by  the  degree  in  which 
she  bears  being  sunburned  without  losing  her  good 
looks.  He  really  used  to  say  that  in  the  holidays 
simply  to  annoy  Dora  and  me,  but  he's  quite  right  all 
the  same. 

February  20th.  The  second  half-year  began  yester- 
day. They  were  all  awfully  nice  to  Hella,  and  Frau 
Doktor  M.  stroked  her  cheeks  and  put  her  arm  round 
her  so  affectionately.  Now  for  the  chief  thing.  To- 
day was  the  Natural  History  lesson.  We  knocked  at 
the  door  and  when  we  went  in  Prof.  W.  said:  Ah, 
I'm  glad  to  see  you  Bruckner;  take  care  that  you 
don't  give  us  all  another  fright.  How  are  you? 
Hella  said:  "Quite  well,  thank  you,  Herr  Prof." 
And  as  I  looked  at  her  she  put  on  a  frightfully  serious 
face  and  he  said :  It  seems  to  me  that  you've  caught 
your  friend's  ill  humour. —  Hella:  "Herr  Prof.,  you 
are  really  too  kind,  but  we  don't  want  to  trouble  you. 


94  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

What  things  have  we  to  take  to  the  class-room  ?  And 
then  we  beg  leave  to  resign  our  posts,  for  I  don't  feel 
strong  enough  for  the  work."  She  said  this  in  quite 
a  soldierly  way,  the  way  she  is  used  to  hear  her  father 
speak.  It  sounded  most  distinguished.  He  looked 
at  us  and  said:  "All  right,  two  of  the  other  pupils 
will  take  it  over."  We  don't  know  whether  he  really 
noticed  nothing  or  simply  did  not  wish  to  show  that 
he  had  noticed.  But  as  we  shut  the  door  I  felt  so 
awfully  sorry;  for  it  was  the  last  time,  the  very  last 
time. 

February  27th.  In  Natural  History  to-day  I  got 
Unsatisfactory.  I  was  not  being  questioned,  but  when 
Klaiber  could  not  answer  anything  I  laughed,  and  he 
said:  Very  well,  Lainer,  you  correct  her  mistake. 
But  since  I  had  been  thinking  of  something  quite  dif- 
ferent I  did  not  know  what  it  was  all  about,  and  so  I 
got  an  Unsatisfactory.  Before  of  course  that  would 
not  have  mattered;  but  now  since  .  .  .  Hella  and 
Franke  did  all  they  could  to  console  me  and  said: 
"That  does  not  matter,  it  wasn't  an  examination;  he'll 
have  to  examine  you  properly  later."  Anyhow  Franke 
thinks  that  however  hard  I  learn,  I  shall  be  well  off 
if  he  gives  me  a  Satisfactory.  She  says  no  professor 
can  forget  such  a  defeat.  For  we  told  her  about  the 
silly  little  fools.  She  said,  indeed,  that  we  had  made 
it  too  obvious.  That's  not  really  true.  But  now  she 
takes  our  side,  for  she  sees  that  we  were  in  the  right. 
Verbenowitsch  and  Bennari  bring  in  the  things  now. 
They  are  much  better  suited  for  it.  Hella's  father  did 
not  like  her  doing  it  anyhow;  he  says:  The  porter 
or  the  maidservant  are  there  for  that  —  we  never  see 
them  all  the  year  round,  that's  a  fine  thing 

March  8th.  Easter  does  not  come  this  year  until 
April  16th.     I  am  going  with  the  Bruckners  to  Cilli, 


SECOND  YEAR  95 

outside  the  town  there  they  have  a  vineyard  with  a 
country  house.  Hella  needs  a  change.  I  am  awfully 
glad.  All  the  flowers  begin  to  come  out  there  at  the 
end  of  March  or  beginning  of  April. 

March  12  th.  Hella  is  not  straightforward.  We  met 
a  gentleman  to-day,  very  fashionably  dressed  with 
gold-rimmed  eyeglasses  and  a  fair  moustache.  Hella 
blushed  furiously,  and  the  gentleman  took  off  his  hat 
and  said:  Ah,  Fraulein  Helenchen,  you  are  looking 
very  well.  How  are  you?  He  never  looked  at  me, 
and  when  he  had  gone  she  said:  "That  was  Dr. 
Fekete,  who  assisted  at  my  operation."  —  "And  you 
tell  me  that  now  for  the  first  time?"  Then  she  put 
on  an  innocent  air  and  said:  "Of  course,  we've  never 
met  him  before,"  but  I  said:  "I  don't  mean  that. 
If  you  knew  how  red  you  got  you  would  not  tell  me 
a  lie."  Then  she  said:  "What  am  I  telling  you  a  lie 
about?  Do  you  think  I'm  in  love  with  him?  Not 
in  the  very  least." —  But  when  one  is  not  in  love  one 
does  not  blush  like  that.  Anyhow  I  shan't  tell  every- 
thing now  either;  I  can  hold  my  tongue  too. 

March  14th.  Yesterday  we  did  not  talk  to  one  an- 
other so  much  as  usual;  I  especially  was  very  silent. 
When  the  bell  rang  at  5  and  I  had  just  been  doing 
the  translation  Hella  came  and  begged  my  pardon  and 
brought  me  some  lovely  violets,  so  of  course  I  forgave 
her.  This  is  really  the  first  time  we've  ever  quarrelled. 
First  she  wanted  to  bring  me  some  sweets,  but  then 
she  decided  upon  violets,  and  I  think  that  was  much 
more  graceful.  One  gives  sweets  to  a  little  child  when 
it  has  hurt  itself  or  been  in  a  temper.  But  flowers 
are  not  for  a  child. 

March  19th.  Frieda  Belay  is  dead.  We  are  all 
terribly  upset.  None  of  us  were  very  intimate  with 
her,  but  now  that  she  is  dead  we  all  remember  that 


96  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

she  was  a  schoolfellow.  She  died  of  heart  failure  fol- 
lowing rheumatic  fever.  We  all  attended  her  funeral, 
except  Hella  who  was  not  allowed  to  come.  Her 
mother  cried  like  anything  and  her  grandmother  still 
more ;  her  father  cried  too.  We  sent  a  wreath  of  white 
roses  with  a  lovely  inscription:  Death  has  snatched 
you  away  in  the  flower  of  your  youth  —  Your  School- 
fellows. 

I  have  no  pleasure  in  anything  to-day.  I  did  not 
see  Frieda  Belay  after  she  was  dead,  but  Franke  was 
there  yesterday  and  saw  her  in  her  coffin.  She  says 
she  will  never  forget  it,  it  gave  her  such  a  pang.  In 
the  church  Lampl  had  a  fit  of  hysterics,  for  her  mother 
was  buried  only  a  month  ago  and  now  she  was  re- 
minded of  it  all  and  was  frightfully  upset.  I  cried 
a  lot  too  when  I  was  with  Hella.  She  fancied  it  was 
because  I  was  thinking  she  might  have  died  last  Dec. 
But  that  wasn't  it,  I  don't  think  about  that  sort  of 
thing.    But  when  anyone  dies  it  is  so  awfully  sad. 

March  24th.  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing!  I 
can't  go  to  Cilli  with  Hella.  Her  mother  was  at 
her  cousin's,  and  when  she  heard  that  she  was  going 
to  Cilli  at  Easter  she  asked  her  to  take  Melanie  with 
her.  That  is,  she  didn't  ask  straight  out,  but  kept 
on  hinting  until  Hella's  mother  said:  Let  Melanie 
come  with  us,  it  will  help  to  set  her  up  after  her  ill- 
ness. In  the  winter  she  had  congestion  of  the  lung. 
Hella  and  I  can't  bear  her  because  she's  always  spying 
on  us  and  is  so  utterly  false.  So  of  course  I  can't 
go.  Hella  says  too  she's  frightfully  sorry,  but  when 
she  is  about  we  could  never  say  a  word  about  any- 
thing; it  would  drive  us  crazy.  She  quite  agrees 
that  I  had  better  not  come.  But  oh  I'm  so  annoyed 
for  first  of  all  I  do  so  like  going  away  with  Hella 
and  secondly  I  should  like  to  go  away  in  the  holidays 


SECOND  YEAR  97 

anyhow  for  nearly  all  the  girls  in  our  class  are  going 
away.  Still,  there's  nothing  to  be  done.  Hella's 
mother  says  she  can't  see  why  we  can't  all  3  go, 
though  it  simply  would  not  work.  But  we  can't  ex- 
plain it  to  her.  Hella  is  so  poetical  and  she  says: 
"A  beautiful  dream  vanished." 

In  Hella's  mouth  such  fine  words  sound  magnificent, 
but  when  Dora  uses  such  expressions  they  annoy  me 
frightfully  because  they  don't  come  from  her  heart. 

March  26th.  The  school  performances  finish  to- 
day with  Waves  of  the  Sea  and  Waves  of  Love.  I'm 
awfully  fond  of  the  theatre,  but  I  never  write  any- 
thing about  that.  For  anyhow  the  play  is  written  by  a 
poet  and  one  can  read  it  if  one  wants  to,  and  one  just 
sees  the  rest  anyhow.  I  can't  make  out  what  Dora 
finds  such  a  lot  to  scribble  about  always  the  day  after 
we've  been  to  the  theatre.  I  expect  she's  in  love  with 
one  of  the  actors  and  that's  why  she  writes  such  a  lot. 
Besides  we  in  the  second  class  did  not  get  tickets  for 
all  the  performances,  but  only  the  girls  from  the  Fourth 
upwards.  Still,  it  did  not  matter  much  to  me  any- 
how for  we  often  go  in  the  evening  and  on  Sunday 
afternoons.  But  unfortunately  I  mayn't  go  in  the 
evening  as  a  rule. 

March  29th.  To-day  something  horrible  happened 
to  Dora  and  me.  I  simply  can't  write  it  down.  She 
was  awfully  nice  and  said:  Two  years  ago  on  the 
Metropolitan  Railway  the  same  thing  had  happened 
when  she  was  travelling  with  Mother  on  February 
15th,  she  can  never  forget  the  date,  to  Hietzing  to 
see  Frau  v.  Martini.  Besides  her  and  Mother  there 
was  only  one  gentleman  in  the  carriage,  Mother  al- 
ways travels  second  class.  She  and  Mother  were  sit- 
ting together  and  the  gentleman  was  standing  farther 
down  the  carriage  where  Mother  could  not  see  him 


98  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

but  Dora  could.    And  as  Dora  was  looking  he  opened 

his  cloak  and !  just  what  the  man  did  to-day 

at  the  house  door.  And  when  they  got  out  of  the 
train  Dora's  boa  got  stuck  in  the  door  and  she  had  to 
turn  round  though  she  did  not  want  to,  and  then  she 

saw  again !     She  simply  could  not  sleep  for 

a  whole  month  afterwards.  I  remember  that  time 
when  she  could  not  sleep  but  I  did  not  know  why  it 
wras.  She  never  told  anyone  except  Erika  and  the 
same  thing  happened  to  her  once.  Dora  says  that 
happens  at  least  once  to  nearly  every  girl;  and  that 
such  men  are  "abnormal."  I  don't  really  know  what 
that  means,  but  I  did  not  like  to  ask.  Perhaps  Hella 
will  know.  Of  course  I  did  not  really  look,  but 
Dora  shivered  and  said:  And  that  is  what  one  has 
to  endure.  And  then,  when  we  were  talking  it  over 
/  she  said  to  me  that  that  was  why  Mother  was  ill  and 
because  she  has  had  five  children.  Then  I  was  very 
silly  and  said:  "But  how  from  that?"  one  does  not 
get  children  from  that?  "Of  course,"  she  said  "I 
thought  you  knew  that  already.  That  time  there  was 
such  a  row  with  Mali  about  the  waistband,  I  thought 
you  and  Hella  had  heard  all  about  everything."  Then 
I  was  silly  again,  really  frightfully  stupid;  for  in- 
stead of  telling  her  what  I  really  knew  I  said:  "Oh, 
yes,  I  knew  all  about  it  except  just  that."  Then  she 
burst  out  laughing  and  said:  "After  all,  what  you 
and  Hella  know  doesn't  amount  to  much."  And  in 
the  end  she  told  me  a  little.  If  it's  really  as  Dora 
says,  then  she  is  right  when  she  says  it  is  better  not 
to  marry.  One  can  fall  in  love,  one  must  fall  in  love, 
but  one  can  just  break  off  the  engagement.  Well, 
that's  the  best  way  out  of  the  difficulty  for  then  no 
one  can  say  that  you've  never  had  a  man  in  love  with 
you.    We  walked  up  and  down  in  front  of  the  school 


SECOND  YEAR  99 

for  such  a  long  time  that  we  were  very  nearly  late 
and  only  got  in  just  as  the  bell  rang.  On  the  way 
home  I  told  Hella  the  awful  thing  we'd  seen  the  man 
do.  She  does  not  know  either  what  "abnormal"  really 
means  as  far  as  this  is  concerned.  But  now  we  shall 
use  it  as  an  expression  for  something  horrible.  Of 
course  no  one  will  understand  us.  And  then  Hella 
told  me  about  a  drunken  man  who  in  Nagy  K.  .  .  . 
was  walking  through  the  streets  like  that  and  was 
arrested.  She  says  too  that  one  can  never  forget  seeing 
anything  like  that.  Perhaps  the  man  this  morning 
was  drunk  too.  But  he  didn't  look  as  if  he  were 
drunk.  And  if  he  hadn't  done  that  one  would  really 
have  taken  him  for  a  fine  gentleman.  Hella  knows 
too  that  it  is  from  that  that  one  gets  children.  She 
explained  it  all  to  me  and  now  I  can  quite  understand 
that  that  must  make  one  ill.  Yesterday  it  was  after 
11  at  night  and  so  I'm  finishing  to-day.  Hella  says: 
That  is  the  original  sin,  and  that  is  the  sin  which 
Adam  and  Eve  committed.  Before  I  had  always  be- 
lieved the  original  sin  was  something  quite  different. 
But  that  —  that.  Since  yesterday  I've  been  so  upset. 
I  always  seem  to  be  seeing  that;  really  I  did  not  look 
at  all,  but  I  must  have  seen  it  all  the  same. 

March  30th.  I  don't  know  why,  but  in  the  history 
lesson  to-day  it  all  came  into  my  head  once  more 
what  Dora  had  said  of  Father.  But  I  really  can't 
believe  it.  Because  of  Father  I'm  really  sorry  that 
I  know  it.  Perhaps  it  does  not  all  happen  the  way 
Dora  and  Hella  say.  Generally  I  can  trust  Hella, 
but  of  course  she  may  be  mistaken. 

April  1st.  To-day  Dora  told  me  a  lot  more.  She 
is  quite  different  now  from  what  she  used  to  be. 
One  does  not  say  Pferiod],  but  Mfenstruation]. 
Only  common  people  say  P — .    Or  one  can  say  one's 


100  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

like  that.  Dora  has  had  M —  since  August  before 
last,  and  it  is  horribly  disagreeable,  because  men  al- 
ways know.  That  is  why  at  the  High  School  we  have 
only  three  men  professors  and  all  the  other  teachers 
are  women.  Now  Dora  often  does  not  have  M —  and 
then  sometimes  it's  awfully  bad,  and  that's  why  she's 
anemic.  That  men  always  know,  that's  frightfully 
interesting. 

April  4th.  We  talk  a  lot  about  such  things  now. 
Dora  certainly  knows  more  than  I  do,  that  is  not 
more  but  better.  But  she  isn't  quite  straightforward 
all  the  same.  When  I  asked  her  how  she  got  to  know 
about  it  all,  whether  Erika  told  her  or  Frieda,  she 
said:  "Oh,  I  don't  know;  one  finds  it  all  out  some- 
how; one  need  only  use  one's  eyes  and  one's  ears, 
and  then  one  can  reason  things  out  a  little."  But 
seeing  and  hearing  don't  take  one  very  far.  I've  al- 
ways kept  my  eyes  open  and  I'm  not  so  stupid  as  all 
that.  One  must  be  told  by  some  one,  one  can't  just 
happen  upon  it  by  oneself. 

April  6th.  I  don't  care  about  paying  visits  now. 
We  used  always  to  like  going  to  see  the  Richters,  but 
to-day  I  found  it  dull.  Now  I  know  why  Dora  hates 
going  second  class  on  the  Metropolitan.  I  always 
thought  it  was  only  to  spite  me  because  I  like  travel- 
ling second.  She  never  likes  going  second  since  that 
happened.  It  seems  one  is  often  unjust  to  people 
who  never  meant  what  one  thought.  But  why  did 
she  not  tell  me  the  truth?  She  says  because  I  was 
still  a  child  then.  That's  all  right,  but  what  about 
this  winter  when  I  was  cross  because  we  went  Third 
class  to  Schonbrunn;  I  really  believed  she  did  it  to 
annoy  me,  for  I  could  not  believe  she  was  afraid  that 
in  the  second  class,  where  one  is  often  alone,  some- 
body would  suddenly  attack  her  with  a  knife.     But 


SECOND  YEAR  101 

now  I  understand  quite  well,  for  of  course  she  could 
not  tell  Mother  the  truth  and  Father  still  less.  And 
in  winter  and  spring  there  are  really  often  no  pas- 
sengers to  speak  of  on  the  Metropolitan,  especially  on 
the  Outer  Circle. 

April  7th.  Mother  said  to-day  that  at  the  Richters 
yesterday  we,  especially  I,  had  been  frightfully  dull 
and  stupid.  Why  had  we  kept  on  exchanging  glances? 
We  had  been  most  unmannerly.  If  she  had  only 
known  what  we  were  thinking  of  when  Frau  Richter 
said,  the  weather  to-day  is  certainly  quite  abnormal; 
we  have  not  had  such  abnormal  heat  for  years.  And 
then  when  Herr  Richter  came  home  and  spoke  about 
his  brother  who  had  spent  the  whole  winter  at  Hoch- 
schneeberg  and  said:  Oh,  my  brother  is  a  little 
abnormal,  I  think  he's  got  a  tile  loose  in  the  upper 
storey,  I  really  thought  I  should  burst.  Luckily  Frau 
R.  helped  us  once  more  to  a  tremendous  lot  of  cake 
and  I  was  able  to  lean  well  forward  over  my  plate. 
And  Mother  said  that  I  ate  like  a  little  glutton  and 
just  as  if  I  never  had  any  cake  at  home.  So  Mother 
was  very  unjust  to  me,  for  the  cake  had  nothing  at 
all  to  do  with  it.  Dora  says  too  that  I  must  learn 
to  control  myself  better,  that  if  I  only  watch  her  I'll 
soon  learn.  That's  all  very  well,  but  why  should  one 
have  to  bother?  If  people  did  not  use  words  that 
really  mean  something  quite  different  then  other  peo- 
ple would  not  have  to  control  themselves.  Still,  I 
must  learn  to  do  it  somehow. 

April  8th.  We  were  terribly  alarmed  to-day;  quite 
early,  at  j4  past  8,  they  telephoned  from  the  school 
that  Dora  had  suddenly  been  taken  ill  in  the  Latin 
lesson  and  must  be  fetched  in  a  carriage.  Mother 
drove  down  directly  in  a  taxi  and  I  went  with  her 
because  anyhow  my  lessons  began  at  9  and  we  found 


102  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Dora  on  the  sofa  in  the  office  with  the  head  sitting 
by  her  and  the  head's  friend,  Frau  Doktor  Preisky, 
who  is  a  medical  doctor,  and  they  had  loosened  her 
dress  and  put  a  cold  compress  on  her  head  for  she 
had  suddenly  fainted  in  the  Latin  lesson.  That's  the 
third  time  this  year,  so  she  must  really  have  anemia. 
I  wanted  to  drive  home  with  her,  but  Mother  and  Frau 
Dr.  P.  said  I'd  better  just  go  to  my  lessons.  And  as 
I  went  out  I  heard  Frau  Dr.  P.  say:  "That's  a  fine 
healthy  girl,  a  jolly  little  fellow."  Really  one  should 
only  use  that  word  of  boys  and  men,  but  I  suppose 
she  has  got  into  the  way  of  using  it  through  being 
with  men  so  much.  If  one  studies  medicine  one  has 
to  learn  all  about  that  and  to  look  at  everything.  It 
must  be  really  horrid. 

Dora  is  kept  in  bed  to-day  and  our  Doctor  says  too 
that  she's  anemic.  To-morrow  or  the  day  after  Mother 
is  going  to  take  her  to  see  a  specialist.  Dora  says  it's 
a  lovely  feeling  to  faint.  Suddenly  one  can't  hear 
what  people  are  saying  and  one  feels  quite  weak  and 
then  one  does  not  know  anything  more.     I  wonder 

if  I  shall  ever  faint  ?    Very  likely  when We 

talked  a  lot  about  everything  we  are  interested  in. 
In  the  afternoon  Hella  came  to  ask  after  Dora,  and 
she  thinks  she  looks  awfully  pretty  in  bed,  an  interest- 
ing invalid  and  at  the  same  time  so  distinguished 
looking.     It's  quite  true,  we  all  look  distinguished. 

April  9th.  To-day  is  Father  and  Mother's  wedding 
day.  Now  I  know  what  that  really  means.  Dora  says 
it  can't  really  be  true  that  it  is  the  most  lovely  day 
in  one's  life,  as  everyone  says  it  is,  especially  the  poets. 
She  thinks  that  one  must  feel  frightfully  embarrassed 
because  after  all  everyone  knows.  .  .  .  That's  quite 
true,  but  after  all  one  need  not  tell  anyone  which 
one's  wedding  day  is.     Dora  says  she  will  never  tell 


SECOND  YEAR  103 

her  children  which  her  wedding  day  is.  But  it  would 
be  a  great  pity  if  parents  always  did  that  for  then  in 
every  family  there  would  be  one  anniversary  the  less. 
And  the  more  anniversaries  there  are,  the  jollier  it  is. 

April  10th.  To-morrow  I'm  going  with  Father  to 
Salzburg.  Dora  can't  come,  for  they  think  she  might 
faint  in  the  train.  I'm  rather  glad  really,  though  I've 
nothing  against  her  and  I'm  sorry  for  her,  but  it's 
much  nicer  to  go  with  Father  alone.  It's  a  long  time 
since  I  was  in  Salzburg.  I'm  so  awfully  glad  to  go. 
Our  spring  coats  and  skirts  are  so  pretty,  dark  green 
with  a  silk  lining  striped  green  and  gold-brown,  and 
light  brown  straw  hats  with  daisies  for  the  spring 
and  later  we  shall  have  cherries  or  roses.  I'm  taking 
my  diary  so  that  I  can  write  everything  which  interests 
me. 

April  12th.  I  slept  all  the  way  in  the  train.  Father 
says  I  ground  my  teeth  frightfully  and  was  very  rest- 
less: but  I  did  not  know  anything  about  it.  We  had 
a  compartment  by  ourselves,  except  just  at  first  when 
there  was  a  gentleman  there.  Hella  did  not  come  with 
us,  because  her  aunt,  who  has  just  been  married,  is 
coming  to  visit  them.  Really  I'm  quite  glad,  for  I 
like  so  much  being  with  Father  quite  alone.  This 
afternoon  we  were  in  Hellbrunn  and  at  the  Rock 
Theatre.     It  is  wonderful. 

April  13th.  Father  always  calls  me :  Little  Witch! 
But  I  don't  much  like  it  when  other  people  are  there. 
To-day  we  went  up  the  Gaisberg.  The  weather  was 
lovely  and  the  view  magnificent.  When  I  see  so  ex- 
tensive a  view  it  always  makes  me  feel  sad.  Because 
there  are  so  many  people  one  does  not  know  who  per- 
haps are  very  nice.  I  should  like  to  be  always  travel- 
ling.   It  would  be  splendid. 

April  14th.     I  nearly  got  lost  to-day.    Father  was 


104  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

writing  a  letter  to  Mother  and  he  let  me  go  to  see 
the  salt  works;  I  don't  know  how  it  happened,  but 
suddenly  I  found  myself  a  long  way  from  anywhere, 
in  a  place  I  did  not  know.  Then  an  old  gentleman 
asked  me  what  I  was  looking  for;  because  I  had 
walked  past  the  same  place  3  times  and  I  said  we 
were  staying  in  the  "Zur  Post  Hotel"  and  I  did  not 
know  how  to  find  my  way  back.  So  he  came  with  me 
to  show  me  and  as  we  were  talking  it  came  out  that 
he  had  known  Father  at  the  university.  So  he  came 
in  with  me  and  Father  wras  awfully  glad  to  see  him. 
He  is  a  barrister  in  Salzburg  but  he  has  a  grey  beard 
already.  As  he  was  going  away  he  said  in  an  under- 
tone to  Father:  "I  congratulate  you  old  chap  on 
your  daughter;  she'll  be  something  quite  out  of  the 
ordinary!"  He  whispered  it  really,  but  I  heard  all 
the  same.  We  spent  all  the  afternoon  with  him  at 
the  Kapuzinerberg.  There  was  a  splendid  military 
band ;  two  young  officers  in  the  Yagers  who  were  sit- 
ting at  the  next  table  to  ours  kept  on  looking  our  way; 
one  was  particularly  handsome.  My  new  summer 
coat  and  skirt  is  awfully  becoming  everyone  says. 
Father  says  too:  "I  say,  you'll  soon  be  a  young  lady! 
But  don't  grow  up  too  quickly!"  I  can't  make  out 
why  he  said  that;  I  should  like  to  be  quite  grown  up; 
but  it  will  be  a  long  time  yet. 

April  14th.  It's  been  raining  all  day.  How  horrid. 
One  can't  go  anywhere.  All  the  morning  we  were 
walking  about  the  town  and  saw  several  churches. 
Then  we  were  at  the  pastrycook's,  where  I  ate  4  choco- 
late eclairs  and  2  tartlets.  So  I  had  no  appetite  for 
dinner. 

April  15th.  Just  as  I  was  writing  yesterday  Dr. 
Gratzl  sent  up  the  hotel  clerk  to  ask  us  to  dinner. 
We  went,  they  live  in  the  Hellbrunnerstrasse.     He 


SECOND  YEAR  105 

has  4  daughters  and  2  sons  and  the  mother  died  three 
years  ago.  One  of  the  sons  is  a  student  in  Graz  and 
the  other  is  a  lieutenant  in  the  army;  he  is  engaged 
to  be  married.  The  daughters  are  quite  old  already; 
one  of  them  is  27  and  is  engaged.  I  think  that  is 
horrid.  The  youngest  (!!!)  is  24.  It  is  so  funny 
to  say  "the  youngest"  and  then  she  is  24.  Father 
says  she  is  very  pretty  and  will  certainly  get  married. 
At  24!!  when  she's  not  even  engaged  yet;  I  don't 
believe  she  will.  They  have  a  large  garden,  3  dogs 
and  2  cats,  which  get  on  very  well  together.  There 
are  steps  leading  up  and  down  from  room  to  room, 
it  is  lovely,  and  all  the  windows  are  bow-windows. 
Everything  is  so  old-fashioned,  even  the  furniture. 
I  do  think  it's  all  so  pretty.  The  hall  is  round  like 
a  church.  After  tea  we  had  candied  fruits,  stewed 
fruit,  and  pastries.  I  had  a  huge  go  of  stewed  fruit. 
They  have  a  gramaphone  and  then  Leni  and  I  played 
the  piano.  Just  as  we  were  going  away  Fritz,  the 
student,  came  in;  he  got  quite  red  and  in  the  hall 
Dr.  Gratzl  said  to  me:  "You've  made  a  conquest 
to-day."  I  don't  really  believe  I  have,  but  I  do  like 
hearing  it  said.  I'm  sorry  to  say  we  are  going  away 
to-morrow,  for  we  are  going  to  stay  2  days  in  Linz 
with  Uncle  Theodor  whom  I  don't  know. 

April  17th.  Uncle  Theodor  is  60  already  and  Aunt 
Lina  is  old  too.  Still,  they  are  both  awfully  nice. 
I  did  not  know  them  before.  We  are  staying  with 
them.  In  the  evening  their  son  and  his  wife  came. 
They  are  my  cousins,  and  they  brought  their  little 
girl  with  them;  I  am  really  a  sort  of  aunt  of  hers. 
It's  awfully  funny  to  be  an  aunt  when  one  is  only  12 
and  Ya  and  when  one's  niece  is  9.  To-day  we  went 
walking  along  the  Danube.  It  only  rained  very  gently 
and  not  all  the  time. 


106  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

April  18th.  We  are  going  home  to-day.  Of  course 
we  have  sent  a  lot  of  picture  postcards  to  Mother 
and  Dora  and  Hella ;  we  sent  one  to  Oswald  too.  He 
came  home  for  Easter.  I  don't  know  whether  he  will 
still  be  there  to-morrow. 

April  22nd.  We've  begun  school  again.  Dora  and 
I  generally  walk  to  school  together  since  she  does  not 
go  to  the  Latin  lesson  now  because  it  was  too  great  a 
strain  for  her.  The  specialist  Mother  took  her  to  see 
wanted  her  to  give  up  studying  altogether,  but  she 
absolutely  refuses  to  do  that.  But  I'm  very  furious 
with  her;  she's  learning  Latin  in  secret.  When  I  came 
into  the  room  the  day  before  yesterday  she  was  writing 
out  words  and  she  shut  her  book  quickly  instead  of 
saying  openly  and  honestly:  Rita,  don't  tell  Father 
and  Mother  that  I'm  still  studying  in  the  evening: 
"I  trust  your  word."  She  could  trust  me  perfectly 
well.  There  are  plenty  of  things  I  could  tell  if  I 
liked!  Perhaps  she  fancies  that  I  don't  see  that  the 
tall  fair  man  always  follows  us  to  school  in  the  morn- 
ing. Hella  has  noticed  him  too,  besides  he  is  fright- 
fully bald  and  must  be  at  least  30.  And  I'm  certain  she 
would  not  talk  as  much  as  she  does  to  Hella  and  me 
if  it  were  not  that  she  wants  to  talk  about  that.  But 
this  deceitfulness  annoys  me  frightfully.  Otherwise 
we  are  now  quite  intimate  with  one  another. 

April  24th.  We  went  to  confession  and  communion 
to-day.  I  do  hate  confession;  though  it's  never  hap- 
pened to  me  what  many  girls  have  told  me,  even  girls 
in  the  Fifth.  No  priest  has  ever  asked  me  about  the 
6th  commandment ;  all  they've  asked  is :  In  thought, 
word,  or  deed?  Still,  I  do  hate  going  to  confession, 
and  so  does  Dora.  It's  much  nicer  for  Hella  as  a 
Protestant  for  they  have  no  confession.  And  at  com- 
munion I'm  always  terrified  that  the  host  might  drop 


SECOND  YEAR  107 

out  of  my  mouth.  That  would  be  awful.  I  expect 
one  would  be  immediately  excommunicated  as  a 
heretic  Dora  was  not  allowed  to  come  to  confession 
and  com.,  Father  would  not  let  her.  She  must  not 
go  out  without  her  breakfast. 

April  26th.  In  the  Third  there  really  is  a  girl  who 
dropped  the  host  out  of  her  mouth.  There  was  a 
frightful  row  about  it.  She  said  it  was  not  her  fault, 
the  priest's  hand  shook  so.  It's  quite  true,  he  was 
very  old,  and  that  is  why  I'm  always  afraid  it  will 
happen  to  me.  It's  much  better  when  the  priest  is 
young,  because  then  that  can  never  happen.  Father 
says  that  the  girl  won't  be  excommunicated  for  this, 
and  luckily  one  of  her  uncles  is  a  distinguished 
prelate.  He  is  her  guardian  too.  That  will  help 
her  out. 

April  27th.  To-day  we  got  to  know  this  girl  in 
the  interval.  She  is  awfully  nice  and  she  says  she 
really  did  not  do  it  on  purpose  for  she  is  frightfully 
pious  and  perhaps  she's  going  to  be  a  nun.  I  am 
pious  too,  we  go  to  church  nearly  every  Sunday,  but  I 
would  not  go  into  a  convent,  not  I.  Dora  says  people 
generally  do  that  when  they've  been  crossed  in  love, 
because  then  the  world  seems  empty  and  hateful. 
She  looked  so  frightfully  sentimental  that  I  said: 
Seems  to  me  you've  a  fancy  that  way  yourself? 
Then  she  said:  "No,  thank  goodness,  I've  no  reason 
for  that."  Of  course  what  she  meant  was  that  she 
was  not  crossed  in  love  but  the  other  way.  No  doubt 
the  tall  man  in  the  mornings.  I  looked  hard  at 
her  for  a  long  time  and  said:  "I  congratulate  you  on 
your  good  fortune.  But  Hella  and  I  wish  he  was  not 
bald,"  then  she  said  with  an  astonished  air:  "Bald? 
What  are  you  talking  about,  he  has  the  lofty  brow  of 
a  thinker." 


108  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

27th.  To-day  Mademoiselle  came  for  the  first  time. 
I  have  forgotten  to  say  that  Dora  has  to  go  out  every 
day  for  two  hours  to  sit  and  walk  in  the  sunshine. 
Since  Mother  is  not  very  well  and  can't  walk  much, 
we've  engaged  the  Mad.  Father  says  that  when  I  have 
time  I  must  go  too  "as  a  precautionary  measure."  I 
don't  like  the  idea  at  all,  it's  much  too  dull;  besides 
I  have  simply  no  time.  Mad.  is  coming  3  times  a  week, 
Mondays,  Wednesdays,  and  Fridays,  and  on  Mon- 
days, Thursdays,  and  Saturdays  I  have  my  music 
lesson,  so  I  can't  go;  so  Finis  and  Jubilation!  That's 
what  Oswald  always  says  at  the  end  of  the  year  and 
at  the  end  of  term.  Still,  she's  very  pretty,  has  fair 
curly  hair,  huge  grey  eyes  with  black  lashes  and  eye- 
brows, but  she  speaks  so  fast  that  I  can't  understand 
all  she  says.  On  the  other  3  days  an  Englishwoman 
is  to  come,  but  we  have  not  got  one  yet,  they  are  all 
so  expensive.  It  does  seem  funny  to  me  to  get  a  salary 
for  going  out  with  grown  up  girls,  that's  only  an 
amusement.  With  regular  tomboys,  such  as  we  saw 
last  year  in  Rathaus  Park,  it  would  be  different.  As 
for  the  French  or  English  conversation!  If  they  did 
not  want  to  talk  what  would  it  matter?  And  besides 
why  should  one  want  to  talk  either  French  or  English, 
it's  so  stupid. 

April  28th.  The  Richters  were  here  to-day,  and 
the  eldest  son  came  too,  the  lieutenant  from  Lemberg ; 
he  is  awfully  handsome  and  made  hot  love  to  Dora; 
Walter  is  very  nice  too,  he  is  at  the  School  of  Forestry 
in  Modling;  to-morrow  the  lieutenant  is  going  to  bring 
Dora  one  of  Tolstoi's  books  to  read.  Then  they  will 
do  some  music  together,  she  piano  and  he  violin;  it's 
a  pity  I  can't  play  as  well  as  Dora  yet.  At  Whitsun- 
tide Walter  is  coming  too  and  Viktor  (that  means 
conqueror)  is  on  furlough  for  6  months,  because  he's 


SECOND  YEAR  109 

ill,  or  because  he  is  said  to  be  ill;  for  one  does  not 
look  like  that  when  one  is  really  ill. 

May  4th.  Lieutenant  R.  is  always  coming  here,  he 
must  be  frightfully  smitten  with  Dora.  But  Father 
won't  have  it  at  any  price.  He  said  to  Dora  to-day: 
"You  get  this  gay  young  spark  out  of  your  head;  he 
is  no  good.  But  at  sight  of  a  uniform  there  is  no 
holding  you  girls.  I've  no  objection  to  you  doing 
music  together  for  an  hour  or  two ;  but  this  perpetual 
running  to  and  fro  with  books  and  notes  is  all  hum- 
bug." ' 

May  6th.  Lieutenant  R.  walks  with  us,  that  is 
with  Dora,  to  school  every  day.  He  is  supposed  to 
lie  in  bed  late  every  morning,  for  he  is  really  ill, 
but  for  Dora's  sake  he  gets  up  frightfully  early  and 

comes  over  from  Heitzing  and  waits  in Street. 

Of  course  I  go  on  alone  with  Hella  and  we  all  meet 

in Street,  so  that  no  one  shall  notice  anything  at 

school. 

May  13th.  To-morrow  is  Mother's  birthday  and 
Viktor  (when  I  am  talking  about  him  to  Dora  I  always 
speak  of  him  as  V.)  brought  her  some  lovely  roses 
and  invited  us  all  to  go  there  next  Sunday.  In  the 
hall  he  called  me  "the  Guardian  Angel  of  our  Love." 
Yes,  that  is  what  I  am  and  always  shall  be;  for  he 
really  deserves  it  and  Dora  too  is  quite  different  from 
what  she  used  to  be.  Hella  says  one  can  see  for 
oneself  that  love  ennobles ;  up  till  now  she  has  always 
thought  that  to  be  mere  poetical  fiction. 

May  15th.  Father  said:  I  don't  care  much  about 
these  visits  to  the  Richters  as  long  as  that  young 
jackanapes  is  still  there,  but  Mother  can't  very  well 
refuse.  We  shall  wear  our  green  coats  and  skirts 
with  the  white  blouses  with  the  little  green  silk  leaves, 
for  Dora  does  not  like  to  wear  all  white  except  in 


110  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

summer.  And  because  the  leaves  on  the  blouses  are 
clover  leaves,  that  is  because  of  their  meaning.  We 
are  looking  forward  to  it  tremendously.  I  do  hope 
Mother  will  be  all  right,  for  she  is  in  bed  to-day.  It's 
horrid  being  ill  anyhow,  but  when  being  ill  interferes 
with  other  people's  pleasure  it's  simply  frightful. 

May  16th.  The  day  before  yesterday  was  Mother's 
birthday;  but  it  was  not  so  jolly  as  usual  because 
Mother  is  so  often  ill;  for  a  birthday  present  I 
painted  her  a  box  with  a  spray  of  clematis,  which 
looks  awfully  chic.  Dora  gave  her  a  book  cover 
embroidered  with  a  spray  of  Japanese  cherries,  I 
don't  know  what  Father  gave  her,  money  I  think, 
because  on  her  birthday  and  name  day  he  always 
hands  her  an  envelope.  But  since  Mother  is  not  well 
we  were  not  very  cheerful,  and  when  we  drank  her 
health  at  dinner  she  wiped  her  eyes  when  she  thought 
we  were  not  looking.  Still,  it's  not  so  dangerous  as 
all  that;  she  is  able  to  go  out  and  doesn't  look  bad. 
I  think  Mother's  awfully  smart,  she  looks  just  as  well 
in  her  dressing  gown  as  when  she's  dressed  up  to 
go  out.  Dora  says  that  if  she  had  been  made  ill  by 
her  husband  she  would  hate  him  and  would  never 
let  her  daughters  marry.  That's  all  very  well,  but 
one  ought  to  be  quite  sure  that  that  is  why  one  has 
become  ill.  They  say  that  is  why  Aunt  Dora  doesn't 
like  Father.  Certainly  Father  is  not  so  nice  to  her 
as  to  other  relations  or  to  the  ladies  who  some  to  see 
Mother.  But  after  all,  Aunt  Dora  has  no  right  to 
make  scenes  about  it  to  Father,  as  Dora  says  she  does. 
Mother's  the  only  person  with  any  right  to  do  that. 
Dora  says  she  is  afraid  that  it  will  come  to  Mother's 
having  to  have  an  operation.  Nothing  would  ever 
induce  me  to  undergo  an  operation,  it  must  be  horrible, 
I  know  because  of  Hella  and  the  appendicitis.     But 


SECOND  YEAR  111 

Dora  says:  "Anyone  who's  had  five  children  must  be 
used  to  that  sort  of  thing."  I  shall  pray  every  night 
that  Mother  may  get  well  without  an  operation.  I 
expect  we  shan't  all  go  away  together  at  Whitsuntide 
this  year,  for  Mother  and  Dora  are  to  go  to  a  health 
resort,  most  likely  to  Franzensbad. 

May  18th.  It  was  lovely  at  the  Richters;  Walter 
was  there  from  Modling,  he  was  awfully  nice,  and 
said  I  was  so  like  my  sister  that  it  was  difficult  to  tell 
us  apart.  That's  a  frightful  cram,  but  I  know  what 
he  really  meant.  He  plays  the  flute  splendidly,  and 
the  three  played  a  trio,  so  that  I  was  frightfully  an- 
noyed with  myself  for  not  having  worked  harder  at  my 
music.  From  to-morrow  on  I  shall  practise  2  hours 
every  day,  if  I  can  possibly  find  time.  Next  winter 
Viktor  is  going  to  found  a  private  dramatic  club,  so 
he  must  be  going  to  stay  more  than  six  months  in 
Vienna.  Walter  thinks  Dora  awfully  charming,  and 
when  I  said:  "The  great  pity  is  that  she's  got  such 
frightful  anemia,"  he  said:  In  a  man's  eyes  that  is 
no  drawback  whatever,  as  you  can  see  in  my  brother. 
Moreover,  that  illness  is  not  a  real  illness,  but  often 
makes  a  girl  more  charming  than  ever,  as  you  can 
see  in  your  sister. 

Day  before  yesterday  Miss  Maggie  Lundy  came  for 
the  first  time;  anybody  can  have  her  for  me.  She 
wears  false  hair,  flaxen.  She  says  she  is  engaged,  but 
Dora  says,  has  been.  I  simply  don't  believe  it.  V. 
says  Mad.  is  awfully  pretty.  When  I  asked  Dora 
if  she  was  not  jealous,  she  said  she  didn't  care,  she 
was  quite  sure  of  his  love.  He  means  to  leave  the 
army  and  go  into  the  civil  service,  and  then  he  will 
be  able  to  marry.  But  Dora  said,  there's  plenty  of 
time  for  that,  a  secret  engagement  is  much  nicer. 
Then  she  noticed  she'd  given  herself  away,  and  she 


112  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

blushed  like  anything  and  said :  You  naturally  must 
be  engaged  before  you  are  married,  mustn't  you? — 
of  course  she  is  secretly  engaged,  but  she  won't  tell 
me  about  it.  What's  the  good  of  my  being  the 
"Guardian  Angel  of  their  Love?"  If  he  only  knew. 
May  19th.  I  really  ought  to  practise  to-day,  but  I 
simply  have  no  time,  first  of  all  I  had  my  lesson 
anyhow,  and  secondly  something  awful  happened  to 
Dora.  She  left  her  diary  lying  about  in  the  school; 
and  because  we  have  our  religion  lesson  in  the  Fifth 
I  saw  a  green  bound  book  lying  under  the  third  bench. 
Great  Scott,  I  thought,  that  looks  like  Dora's  diary. 
I  went  up  as  quickly  as  I  could  and  put  my  satchel 
over  it.  Later  in  the  lesson  I  picked  it  up.  When 
I  got  home  at  1  o'clock  I  did  not  say  anything  at 
first.  After  dinner  she  began  rummaging  all  over  the 
place,  but  without  saying  anything  to  me,  and  then 
I  said  quite  quietly:  "Do  you  hap — pen  to  be  look — 
ing  for  your  di — ar — y?  Here  it  is;  you — left — it 
—  in  —  the  —  fifth  —  class  —  un  —  der  —  the  — 
third  —  bench."  (I  kept  her  on  tenter  hooks  that  way.) 
She  got  as  white  as  a  sheet  and  said:  You  are  an 
angel.  If  any  one  else  had  found  it,  I  should  have 
been  expelled  and  Mad.  would  have  had  to  drown 
herself.  Oh,  it  can't  be  as  bad  as  all  that,"  I  said, 
for  what  she  said  about  Mad.  was  frightfully  excit- 
ing. In  class  I  had  looked  chiefly  at  what  she  had 
written  about  V.  But  I  could  not  read  it  there, 
because  it  was  written  very  small  and  close  together 
and  was  several  pages,  but  I  had  not  looked  much  at 
what  she  had  written  about  Mad.  "Did  you  read  it?" 
No,  only  where  it  happened  to  come  open  because 
there's  a  page  torn  out.  About  V.  or  about  Mad? 
"A  little  about  Mad;  but  tell  me  all  about  it;  I  shan't 
tell  anyone.     For  if  I'd  wanted  to  betray  you,  you 


SECOND  YEAR  113 

know  quite  well.  .  .  ."  And  then  she  told  me  all 
about  Mad.  But  first  I  had  to  promise  that  I  would 
not  even  tell  Hella.  Mad.  is  secretly  engaged  to  a 
man  to  whom  she  has  given  "the  utmost  gifts  of  love;" 
that  is  to  say  she  has  ....  She  is  madly  in  love 
with  him,  and  they  would  marry  directly  but  he  is 
a  lieutenant  too,  and  they  have  not  enough  money 
for  the  security.  She  says  that  when  one  really  loves 
a  man  one  can  bear  everything  for  his  sake.  She  has 
often  been  to  his  rooms,  but  she  has  to  be  frightfully 
careful  for  her  father  would  kill  her  if  he  found  out. 
Dora  has  seen  the  lieutenant  and  says  he  is  very 
handsome,  but  that  V.  is  much  handsomer.  Mad. 
says  that  you  can't  trust  men  as  a  rule,  but  that  her 
lover  is  quite  different,  that  he  is  true  as  steel.  I  am 
sure  V.  is  too. 

May  21st.  When  Mad.  came  to-day  I  simply  could 
not  look  at  her  while  Mother  was  there  and  Dora 
says  I  made  an  awful  fool  of  myself.  For  I  went 
out  walking  with  them  to-day,  and  when  we  met  a 
smart-looking  officer  I  hemmed  and  looked  at  Dora. 
But  she  didn't  know  why.  Mad.  is  the  daughter  of  a 
high  official  in  the  French  military  service  and  she 
only  took  her  teacher's  degree  in  order  to  get  free  from 
her  Mother's  "tyranny;" she  nagged  at  her  frightfully, 
and  until  she  began  to  give  lessons  she  was  never 
allowed  to  go  out  alone.  Dora  says  she  is  very  refined 
in  her  speech,  especially  when  she  is  talking  about 
these  things  Of  course  about  them  she  always  speaks 
German,  for  it's  much  more  difficult  to  say  it  in 
French,  and  probably  Dora  would  not  understand 
it  and  then  Mad.  would  only  have  to  translate  it. 
She  is  called  Sylvia  and  he  calls  her  Sylvette.  Mad. 
says  that  if  one  is  madly  in  love  with  a  man  one  does 
whatever  he  asks.     But  I  don't  see  that  one  need  do 


114  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

that,  for  he  might  ask  the  most  idiotic  tilings;  he 
might  ask  you  to  get  the  moon  out  of  the  skies,  or  to 
pull  out  a  tooth  for  his  sake.  Dora  says  she  can 
understand  it  quite  well;  that  I  still  lack  the  true 
inwardness  of  thought  and  feeling.  It  looks  like  utter 
nonsense.  But  since  it  sounds  fine  I've  written  it 
down,  and  perhaps  I  shall  find  a  use  for  it  some  day 
when  I'm  talking  to  Walter.  Mad.  is  always  fright- 
fully anxious  lest  she  should  get  a  baby.  If  she  did 
she's  sure  her  father  would  kill  her.  The  lieutenant 
is  in  the  flying  corps.  He  hopes  he's  going  to  invent 
a  new  aeroplane,  and  that  he  will  make  a  lot  of  money 
out  of  it.  Then  he  will  be  able  to  marry  Mad.  But 
it  would  be  awful  if  something  happened  and  she  got 
a  baby  already. 

May  22nd.  Dora  asked  me  to-day  how  it  was  I 
knew  all  about  these  things,  whether  Hella  had  told 
me.  I  did  not  want  to  give  Hella  away,  so  I  said 
quite  casually:  "Oh,  one  can  read  all  about  that  in 
the  encyclopedia."  But  Dora  laughed  and  said: 
"You  are  quite  on  the  wrong  scent;  you  can't  find  a 
tenth  of  all  those  things  in  the  encyclopedia,  and  what 
you  do  find  is  no  good.  In  these  matters  it  is  abso- 
lutely no  good  depending  on  books."  First  of  all  she 
would  not  tell  me  any  more,  but  after  a  time  she  told 
me  a  good  deal,  especially  the  names  of  certain  parts, 
and  about  fertilisation,  and  about  the  microscopic 
baby  which  really  comes  from  the  husband,  and  not 
as  Hella  and  I  had  thought,  from  the  wife.  And  how 
one  knows  whether  a  woman  is  fruitful.  That  is 
really  an  awful  word.  In  fact  almost  every  word 
has  a  second  meaning  of  that  sort,  and  what  Dora 
says  is  quite  true,  one  must  be  fearfully  careful  when 
one  is  talking.  Dora  thinks  it  would  be  best  to  make 
a  list  of  all  such  words,  but  there  are  such  a  frightful 


SECOND  YEAR  115 

lot  of  them  that  one  never  could.  The  only  thing 
one  can  do  is  to  be  awfully  careful ;  but  one  soon  gets 
used  to  it.  Still  it  happened  to  Dora  the  other  day 
that  she  said  to  V.:  I  don't  want  any  intercourse. 
And  that  really  means  "the  utmost  gifts  of  love,"  so 
Mad.  told  her.  But  V.  was  so  well-mannered  that 
he  did  not  show  that  he  noticed  anything;  and  it 
did  not  occur  to  Dora  until  afterwards  what  she  had 
said.  It's  really  awfully  stupid  that  every  ordinary 
word  should  have  such  a  meaning.  I  shall  be  so 
frightfully  careful  what  I  say  now,  so  that  I  shan't 
use  any  word  with  two  meanings.  Mad.  says  it's  just 
the  same  in  French.  We  don't  know  whether  it  is  the 
same  in  English  and  we  could  never  dream  of  asking 
that  awful  fright,  Miss  Lundy.  Very  likely  she  does 
not  know  the  first  thing  about  it  anyhow.  I  know  a 
great  deal  more  than  Hella  now,  but  I  can't  tell  her 
because  of  betraying  Dora  and  Mad.  Perhaps  I  can 
give  her  a  hint  to  be  more  careful  in  what  she  says, 
so  as  not  to  use  any  word  with  two  meanings.  That 
is  really  my  duty  as  a  friend. 

May  23rd.  I  quite  forgot.  Last  week  Oswald  had 
his  written  matriculation  exam,  he  wrote  a  postcard 
every  day  and  Mother  was  frightfully  annoyed  because 
he  made  such  silly  jokes  all  the  time  that  we  could 
not  really  tell  how  he  got  on.  Dora  and  I  are  awfully 
excited  because  next  Monday  we  are  going  to  the 
aerodome  with  Frau  Richter  and  her  niece  who  is 
at  the  conservatoire.  Lieutenant  Streinz  is  going  to 
fly  too.  Of  course  we'll  motor  out  because  the  rail- 
way is  not  convenient.  Of  course  Viktor  will  be  there, 
but  he  is  motoring  over  with  some  other  officers.  It's 
a  great  pity,  for  it  would  have  been  lovely  if  he'd 
been  in  our  car.  By  the  way,  I  saved  the  class  to-day, 
the  school  inspector  has  been  this  week  and  examined 


116  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

our  class  first  in  History  and  then  in  German,  and 
I  was  the  only  one  who  knew  all  that  Frau  Doktor 
M.  had  told  us  about  the  Origin  of  Fable.  The  insp. 
was  very  complimentary  and  afterwards  Frau  Doktor 
M.  said:  its  quite  true  one  can  always  depend  upon 
Lainer;  she's  got  a  trustworthy  memory.  When  we 
were  walking  home  she  was  awfully  nice:  "Do  you 
know,  Lainer,  I  feel  that  I  really  must  ask  your 
pardon."  I  was  quite  puzzled  and  Hella  asked:  But 
why?  She  said:  "It  seemed  to  me  this  year  that  you 
were  not  taking  quite  so  much  interest  in  your  Ger- 
man lessons  as  you  did  last  year;  but  now  you've 
reinstated  yourself  in  my  good  opinion."  Afterwards 
Hella  said:  I  say  you  know,  Frau  Doktor  M.  is  not 
so  far  wrong  when  I  think  of  all  that  we  used  to 
read  last  year  so  that  we  might  know  everything  when 
the  lesson  came,  and  when  I  think  of  what  we  do 

this  year!  !  !      You  know  very  well —  — . 

Hella  is  quite  right,  but  still  one  can  learn  in  spite 
of  those  things,  one  can't  be  always  talking  about 
them.  And  then  it's  quite  easy  to  learn  for  such  an 
angel  as  Frau  Doktor  M.  Hella  says  that  I  got  as 
red  as  a  turkey  cock  from  pride  because  I  could  say 
it  all  in  the  very  words  of  Frau  Doktor  M.,  but  it 
was  not  so,  for  first  of  all  I  was  not  a  bit  puffed  up 
about  it,  and  secondly  I  really  don't  know  myself  how 
I  managed  to  say  it  all.  I  only  felt  that  Frau  Doktor 
M.  is  so  annoyed  when  no  one  offers  to  answer  a  ques- 
tion, and  so  I  took  it  on. 

May  25th.  Confound  it,  I  could  slap  myself  a 
hundred  times.  How  could  I  be  so  stupid!  Now 
we're  not  allowed  to  go  to  the  aerodome.  Father  only 
let  us  go  because  Viktor  is  in  Linz  and  Father  be- 
lieved he  was  going  to  stay  there  another  fortnight. 
And  at  dinner  to-day  I  made  a  slip  and  said:    "It  is 


SECOND  YEAR  117 

a  pity  there's  no  room  for  five  in  our  car.  If  Fraulein 
Else  were  not  coming  Lieutenant  Richter  could  come 
with  us."  Dora  kicked  me  under  the  table  and  I 
tried  to  brazen  it  out,  but  Father  was  so  angry  and 
said.  "Hullo,  is  the  flying  man  coming?  No,  no, 
children,  nothing  doing.  I  shall  make  your  excuses 
to  Frau  Richter  directly.  I'm  not  having  any,  did 
not  I  tell  you  you  weren't  to  see  the  fellow  any  more?" 
Of  course  this  last  was  to  Dora.  Dora  did  not  say 
anything  but  she  did  not  eat  any  pudding  or  fruit, 
and  as  soon  as  we  were  back  in  our  room  she  gave 
it  me  hot,  saying:  You  did  that  on  purpose,  you 
little  beast,  but  really  you  are  only  a  child  whom  I 
never  ought  to  have  trusted,  and  so  on.  It's  really 
too  bad  to  say  I  did  it  on  purpose,  as  if  I  envied  her. 
Besides  it's  bad  for  me  as  wrell  as  for  her,  for  I  like 
him  very  much  too,  for  he  makes  no  difference  be- 
tween us  and  treats  me  exactly  like  Dora.  Of  course 
we  are  not  on  speaking  terms  now,  and  what  infuri- 
ated me  more  than  anything  was  that  she  said  she 
grudged  every  word  she  had  said  to  me  in  this  connec- 
tion: "Pearls  before  Swine."  What  a  rude  thing  to 
say.  So  I  am  an  S.  But  I  should  like  to  know  who 
told  most.  I  forsooth?  Anyhow  I'm  quite  sure  that 
I  shall  never  talk  to  her  again  about  anything  of  that 
sort.  Thank  goodness  I  have  a  friend  in  Hella. 
She  would  never  say  or  think  anything  of  the  kind 
of  me. 

May  26th.  Neither  of  us  could  sleep  a  wink  all 
night;  Dora  cried  frightfully,  I  heard  her  though  she 
tried  td  stifle  it,  and  I  cried  too,  for  I  was  thinking 
all  the  time  what  I  could  do  to  prevent  Viktor  from 
thinking  unkindly  of  me.  That  would  be  awful.  Then 
I  thought  of  something,  and  chance  or  I  ought  to  say 
luck  helped  me.    Viktor  does  not  walk  to  school  with 


118  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

us  any  longer,  because  the  girls  of  the  Fifth  have 
seen  us  several  times,  but  he  comes  to  meet  Dora 
when  she  comes  away  at  1  o'clock.  So  quite  early 
I  telephoned  to  him  at  a  public  telephone  call  office, 
for  I  did  not  dare  to  do  it  at  home.  Dora  was  so 
bad  that  she  could  not  go  to  school  so  I  was  going 
alone  with  Hella.  I  telephoned  saying  a  friend  was 
ringing  him  up,  that  was  when  the  maid  answered 
the  telephone,  and  then  she  called  him.  I  told  him: 
that  whatever  happened  he  was  not  to  think  unkindly 
of  me  and  I  must  see  him  at  1  o'clock  because  Dora 

was  ill.     He  must  wait  at  the  corner  of Street. 

All  through  lessons  I  was  so  upset  that  I  don't  in  the 
least  know  what  we  did.  And  at  1  o'clock  he  was 
there  all  right,  and  I  told  him  all  about  it  and  he 
was  so  awfully  kind  and  he  consoled  me;  he  con- 
soled me.  That's  quite  different  from  the  way  Dora 
behaved.  I  was  so  much  upset  that  I  nearly  cried, 
and  then  he  drew  me  into  a  doorway  and  put  his  arm 
round  me  and  with  his  own  handkerchief  wiped  away 
my  tears.  I  shall  never  tell  Dora  about  that.  Then 
he  asked  me  to  be  awfully  kind  to  Dora  because  she 
had  such  a  lot  to  bear.  I  dont  really  know  what  she 
has  to  bear,  but  still,  for  his  sake,  because  it's  really 
worth  doing  it  for  that,  after  dinner  I  put  a  note 
upon  her  desk,  saying:  V.  sends  oceans  of  love  to 
you  and  hopes  you  will  be  all  right  again  by  Monday. 
At  the  same  time  his  best  thanks  for  the  book.  I 
put  the  note  in  Heidepeter's  Gabriel,  which  she  had 
lent  to  me  to  read  and  put  it  down  very  significantly. 
When  she  read  it  she  flushed  up,  swallowed  a  few 
times  and  said:  "Have  you  seen  him?  Where  was 
it  and  when?"  Then  I  told  her  all  about  it  and  she 
was  frightfully  touched  and  said:  "You  really  are 
a  good  girl,  only  frightfully  undependable."     What 


SECOND  YEAR  119 

do  you  mean,  undependable?  She  said:  Yes  un- 
dependable,  for  one  simply  must  not  blurt  out  things 
in  that  way;  never  mind,  I  will  try  to  forget.  Have 
you  finished  Heidepeter's  Gabriel  yet?  "No,"  I  said, 
"I'm  not  going  to  read  anyone's  book  with  whom 
I'm  angry."  In  the  end  we  made  it  up,  but  of  course 
we  did  not  talk  any  more  about  it  and  I  did  not  say 
a  word  about  that  business  with  the  handkerchief. 

May  29th.  On  June  10th  or  12th,  Mother  and 
Dora  are  going  to  Frazensbad,  because  they  both  have 
to  take  mud  baths.  Besides,  Father  says  that  a 
change  will  give  Dora  new  thoughts,  so  that  she 
won't  go  about  hanging  her  head  like  a  sick  chicken. 
To-day  Dora  told  me  something  very  interesting. 
Unmarried  men  have  little  books  and  with  these  they 
can  go  to  visit  women  "of  a  certain  kind"  in  Graben 
and  in  the  Karntnerstrasse.  There,  Dora  says,  they 
have  to  pay  10  florins  or  10  crowns.  In  Dora's  class 
there  is  a  girl  whose  father  is  police  surgeon,  and 
they  have  all  to  be  examined  every  month  to  see  if 
they  are  healthy,  and  if  not  they  can't  visit  these 
"ladies,"  and  that's  why  the  Preusses  can  never  keep 
a  servant.  In  my  bath  yesterday  I  noticed  that  I  had 
a  certain  line,  so  I  must  be  fr  — .  But  I  shan't  have 
more  than  1  or  2  children  at  most  for  the  line  is  very 
faint.  When  I'm  studying  I  often  think  of  such 
things,  and  then  I  read  a  whole  page  and  turn  over 
and  have  not  the  remotest  idea  what  I've  been  read- 
ing. It's  very  tiresome,  for  soon  the  other  school  insp. 
for  maths,  and  the  other  subjects  is  coming,  and  I 
should  not  like  to  make  a  fool  of  myself;  especially 
not  because  perhaps  the  inspectors  talk  us  over  with 
one  another  about  who  is  clever  and  who  stupid. 

May  30th.  The  concert  was  glorious.  When  I 
hear  such  grand  music  I  always  have  to  keep  myself 


120  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

well  in  hand  for  I  fear  I  should  cry.  It's  very  stupid, 
of  course,  but  at  such  times  I  can  only  think  of  sad 
things,  even  if  it's  just  a  small  piece.  Dora  can  play 
Brahms'  Hungarian  Dances,  too,  but  that  never  makes 
me  want  to  cry.  I  only  get  annoyed  because  I  can't 
play  them  myself.  I  could  all  right,  but  I  have  not 
got  patience  to  practise  long  enough.  I  never  tell 
anyone  that  I  want  to  cry  when  I  am  listening  to 
music,  not  even  Hella,  though  I  tell  her  everything, 
except  of  course  about  Mad.  Yesterday  I  made  a 
fool  of  myself;  at  least  so  Dora  says.  I  don't  know 
how  it  happened,  we  were  talking  about  books  at 
supper,  and  I  said:  "What's  the  use  of  books,  one 
can't  learn  anything  out  of  them;  everything  is  quite 
different  from  what  they  say  in  books."  Then  Father 
got  in  a  wax  and  said:  "You  little  duffer,  you  can 
thank  your  stars  there  are  books  from  which  you  can 
learn  something.  Anyone  who  can't  understand  a 
book  always  says  it  is  no  good."  Dora  gave  me  a 
look,  but  I  didn't  know  what  she  meant,  and  I  went 
on:  "Yes,  but  there's  an  awful  lot  that  the  encyclo- 
pedia puts  all  wrong."  "What  have  you  been  ferreting 
in  the  encyclopedia  for;  we  shall  have  to  keep  the  key 
of  the  bookcase  in  a  safer  place."  Thank  goodness 
Dora  came  to  my  help  and  said:  "Gretel  wanted  to 
look  up  something  about  the  age  of  elephants  and 
mammoths,  but  it's  quite  different  in  the  encyclopedia 
from  what  Prof.  Rigl  told  her  last  year."  I  was 
saved.  Dora  can  act  splendidly;  I've  noticed  it  be- 
fore. In  the  evening  she  rowed  me,  and  said:  "You 
little  goose,  will  you  never  learn  caution;  first  that 
stupidity  about  Viktor  and  to-day  this  new  blunder! 
I've  helped  you  out  of  a  hole  once  but  I  shan't  do 
it  again."  And  then  she  spent  all  the  time  writing 
a  letter,  to  him  of  course — !     Hella  and  I  have  just 


SECOND  YEAR  121 

been  reading  a  lot  of  things  in  the  encycl.,  about  Birth 
and  Pregnancy,  and  I  on  my  own  about  abor — ;  we 
came  across  the  words  Embyro  and  Foetus,  and  I  said 
nothing  at  the  time  but  tied  2  knots  in  my  handker- 
chief to  remind  me,  and  yesterday  I  looked  them  up. 
Mad.  need  not  be  anxious  even  if  she  really  did  get 
like  that.  But  every  doctor  knows  about  it  and  one 
often  dies  of  it.  I  wonder  if  Mad.  knows  anything 
about  it.  We  were  talking  about  the  differences  be- 
tween men  and  women,  and  it  came  out  that  when 
Hella  has  her  bath  she  is  still  washed  by  Anna  who 
has  been  with  them  for  12  years.  Nothing  would 
induce  me  to  allow  that,  I  would  not  let  anyone  wash 
me,  except  Mother;  certainly  not  Dora,  for  I  don't 
want  her  to  know  what  /  look  like.  The  nurse  in 
the  hosp.  told  Hella  that  she  is  developed  just  like 
a  little  nymph,  so  lovely  and  symetrical.  Hella  says 
that  is  nothing  unusual,  that  every  girl  looks  like 
that,  that  the  female  body  is  Nature's  Work  of  Art. 
Of  course  she's  read  that  somewhere,  for  it  does  not 
really  mean  anything.  Nature's  work  of  art;  it 
ought  to  be:  a  work  of  art  made  by  husband  and 
wife !  !  ! 

May  30th.  Dora  and  Mother  are  going  to  Franzens- 
bad  on  June  6th,  directly  after  Whitsuntide.  Dora 
has  got  another  new  coat  and  skirt,  grey  with  blue 
stripes;  yesterday  our  white  straw  hats  came,  it  suits 
me  very  well  says  Hella  and  everyone,  with  white 
ribbons  and  wild  roses.  There  might  have  been  a 
fearful  row  about  what's  just  happened.  When  I 
went  to  telephone  I  had  my  Christmas  umbrella  with 
the  rose-quartz  handle  and  I  left  it  in  the  telephone 
box;  the  girl  in  the  tobacco  shop  found  it  there,  and 
as  she  knows  me  she  brought  it  here  and  gave  it  to 
the  porter  who  brought  it  upstairs.    Thank  goodness 


122  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

it  occurred  to  me  at  once  to  say  that  I  went  into  the 
tobacco  shop  to  buy  stamps  and  I  must  have  left  it  in 
the  shop.    No  one  noticed  anything. 

May  31st.  They  wanted  me  to  go  and  stay  with 
Hella  for  the  month  when  Mother  and  Dora  are 
away.  It  would  be  awfully  nice,  but  I'm  not  going 
to,  for  I  want  to  stay  with  Father.  What  would  he 
do  all  alone  at  meal  times,  and  whom  would  he  have 
to  talk  to  in  the  evenings?  Father  was  really  quite 
touched  when  I  said  this  and  he  stroked  my  hair  as 
he  can  and  no  one  else,  not  even  Mother.  So  I'm 
going  to  stay  at  home  whatever  happens.  Flowers 
are  very  cheap  now,  so  I  shall  put  different  flowers 
on  the  table  every  day,  I  shall  go  to  the  Market  every 
day  to  buy  a  little  posy,  so  that  they  can  always  be 
fresh.  It  would  be  stupid  for  me  to  go  to  the  Brs., 
why  should  I,  Resi  has  been  with  us  for  such  a  long 
time,  she  knows  how  to  do  everything  even  if  Mother 
is  not  there  and  everything  else  I  can  arrange.  Father 
won't  want  for  anything. 

June  1st.  We've  had  such  an  experience  to-day! 
It's  awful;  it's  quite  true  then  that  one  takes  off 
every  stitch  when  one  is  madly  fond  of  anyone.  I 
never  really  believed  it,  and  I'm  sure  Dora  did  not, 
although  Mad.  hinted  it  to  her;  but  it's  true.  We've 
seen  it  with  our  own  eyes.  I  was  just  sitting  and 
reading  Storm's  The  Rider  of  the  Grey  Horse  and 
Dora  was  arranging  some  writing  paper  to  take  to 
Franzensbad  when  Resi  came  and  said:  Fr'aulein 
Dora,  please  come  here  a  moment,  I  want  you  to 
look  at  something!  From  the  tone  of  her  voice  I 
saw  there  was  something  up  so  I  went  too.  At  first 
Resi  would  not  say  what  it  was  but  Dora  was  gener- 
ous and  said:  "It's  all  right,  you  can  say  everything 
before  her."     Then  we  went  into  Resi's  room  and 


SECOND  YEAR  123 

from  behind  the  curtain  peeped  into  the  mezzanin. 
A  young  married  couple  live  there!  !  !  At  least  Resi 
says  people  say  they  are  not  really  married,  but  simply 
live  together! ! ! !  And  what  we  saw  was  awful.  She 
was  absolutely  naked  lying  in  bed  without  any  of  the 
clothes  on,  and  he  was  kneeling  by  the  bedside  quite 
n —  too,  and  he  kissed  her  all  over,  everywhere! ! ! 
Dora  said  afterwards  it  made  her  feel  quite  sick. 
And  then  he  stood  up  —  no,  I  can't  write  it,  it's 
too  awful,  I  shall  never  forget  it.  So  that's  the  way 
of  it,  it's  simply  frightful.  I  could  never  have  be- 
lieved it.  Dora  went  as  white  as  a  sheet  and  trembled 
so  that  Resi  was  terribly  frightened.  I  nearly  cried 
with  horror,  and  yet  I  could  not  help  laughing  too. 
I  was  really  afraid  he  would  stifle  her  because  he's 
so  big  and  she's  so  small.  And  Resi  says  he  is  cer- 
tainly much  too  big  for  her,  and  that  he  nearly  tears 
her.  I  don't  know  why  he  should  tear  her  but  cer- 
tainly he  might  have  crushed  her.  Dora  was  so 
terrified  she  had  to  sit  down  and  Resi  hurried  to  get 
her  a  glass  of  water,  because  she  believed  she  was 
going  to  faint.  I  had  not  imagined  it  was  anything 
like  that,  and  Dora  certainly  had  not  either.  Or  she 
would  never  have  trembled  so.  Still  I  really  don't 
see  why  she  should  tremble  like  that.  There  is  no 
reason  to  be  frightened,  one  simply  need  not  marry, 
and  then  one  need  never  strip  off  every  stitch,  and 
oh  dear,  poor  Mademoiselle  who  is  so  small  and  the 
lieutenant  is  very  tall.  But  just  think  if  anyone 
is  as  fat  as  Herr  Richter  or  our  landlord.  Of  course 
Herr  Richter  is  at  least  50,  but  last  January  the 
landlord  had  another  little  girl,  so  something  must 
have  happened.  No,  I'm  sure  it's  best  not  to  marry, 
for  it  is  really  too  awful.  We  did  not  look  any  more 
for  then  came  the  worst,  suddenly  Dora  began  to 


124  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

be  actually  sick,  so  that  she  could  hardly  get  back 
to  our  room.  If  she  had  not  been  able  to,  everything 
would  have  come  out.  Mother  sent  for  the  doctor 
directly  and  he  said  that  Dora  was  very  much  over- 
worked ;  that  it  was  a  good  thing  she  was  going  away 
from  Vienna  in  a  few  days.  No  girl  ought  to  study, 
it  does  not  pay.  Then  he  said  to  me:  "You  don't 
look  up  to  much  either.  What  are  you  so  hollow- 
eyed  for?"  "I'm  so  frightened  about  Dora,"  I  said. 
"Fiddlededee,"  said  the  doctor,  "that  does  not  give 
anyone  black  rings  round  the  eyes."  So  it  must  be 
true  that  one  gets  to  look  ill  when  one  always  has 
to  think  about  such  things.  But  how  can  one  help 
it,  and  Hella  says:  It's  awfully  interesting  to  have 
black  rings  under  the  eyes  and  men  like  it. 

We  were  going  to  make  an  excursion  to-morrow  to 
Kahlenberg  and  Hermannskogel,  but  probably  it 
won't  come  off.  Its  11  already  and  I'm  fearfully 
tired  from  writing  so  much;  I  must  go  to  bed.  I  do 
hope  I  shall  be  able  to  sleep,  but 

June  3rd.  Father  took  Hella  and  me  to  Kahlen- 
berg; we  enjoyed  ourselves  tremendously.  After 
dinner,  when  Father  was  reading  the  paper  in  the 
hotel,  we  went  to  pick  flowers,  and  I  told  Hella  all 
about  what  we'd  seen  on  Friday.  She  was  simply 
speechless,  all  the  more  since  she  had  never  heard 
what  Mad.  told  us  about  taking  off  everything.  She 
won't  marry  either,  for  it's  too  disagreeable,  indeed 
too  horrid. —  The  doctor  said  too:  This  perpetual 
learning  is  poisonous  for  young  girls  in  the  years  of 
development.  If  he  only  knew  what  we  had  seen. 
Hella  is  frightfully  annoyed  that  she  was  not  there. 
She  can  be  jolly  glad,  I  don't  want  to  see  it  a  second 
time,  and  I  shall  never  forget  it  all  my  life  long; 
what  I  saw  at  the  front  door  was  nothing  to  this. 


SECOND  YEAR  125 

Then  Hella  went  on  making  jokes  and  said:  "I  say, 
just  think  if  it  had  been  Viktor."  "Oh,  do  shut  up," 
I  screamed,  and  Father  thought  we  were  quarrelling 
and  called  out:  "You  two  seem  to  be  having  a  dis- 
pute in  the  grand  style."  If  he'd  only  known  what 
we  were  talking  about ! ! !  Oswald  has  been  home 
since  Friday  evening;  he  did  not  arrive  till  Yz  past 
10.  But  he  did  not  come  on  the  excursion  with  us 
yesterday,  although  Father  would  have  liked  him  to; 
he  said  he  would  find  it  much  too  dull  to  spend  the 
day  with  two  "flappers;"  that  means  that  we're  not 
grown  up  enough  for  him  and  is  a  piece  of  infernal 
cheek  especially  as  regards  Hella.  She  says  she  will 
simply  ignore  him  in  future.  Since  I  am  his  sister 
I  can't  very  well  do  that,  but  I  shan't  fetch  and  carry 
for  him  as  he  would  like  me  to.  He's  no  right  to 
insult  even  his  sister. 

Dora  has  just  said  to  me:    It's  horrible  that  one 

has  to  endure  that  (you  know  what! ! ! ) 

when  one  is  married.  Resi  had  told  her  about  those 
two  before,  and  that  only  the  Jews  do  it  just  like 
that.  She  said  that  other  people  did  not  strip  quite 
naked  and  that  perhaps  it's  different  in  some  other 

ways ! ! But  Mad.  implied  that  it  was  just 

that  way,  only  she  did  not  say  anything  about  the 
crushing;  but  I  suppose  that's  because  of  the  cruelty 

of  the  Jews .     I'm  afraid  every  night  that 

I'm  going  to  dream  about  it,  and  Dora  has  dreamed 
about  it  already.  She  says  that  whenever  she  closes 
her  eyes  she  sees  it  all  as  if  it  were  actually  before 
her. 

June  4th.  We  understand  now  what  Father  meant 
the  other  day  when  he  was  speaking  about  Dr.  Diller 
and  his  wife  and  said:  "But  they  don't  suit  one 
another  at  all."    I  thought  at  the  time  he  only  meant 


126  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

that  it  looks  so  absurd  for  so  tiny  a  woman  to  go 
about  with  a  big  strong  man.  But  that's  only  a 
minor  thing;  the  main  point  is  something  quite  dif- 
ferent !  !  ! !  Hella  and  I  look  at  all  couples  now 
who  go  by  arm  in  arm,  thinking  about  them  from 
that  point  of  view,  and  it  amuses  us  so  much  as  we 
are  going  home  that  we  can  hardly  keep  from  laughing. 
But  really  it's  no  laughing  matter,  especially  for  the 
woman. 

June  5th.  This  morning  Mother  took  Dora  with 
her  to  pay  a  farewell  call  at  the  Richter's.  But  there 
was  no  one  at  home,  that  is  Frau  R.  was  certainly 
at  home,  but  said  she  was  not  because  they  are  very 
much  offended  with  Father.  In  the  afternoon  Dora 
and  I  had  a  lot  of  things  to  get,  and  we  met  Viktor, 
by  arrangement  of  course.  Dora  cried  a  lot;  they 
went  into  the  Minorite  church  while  I  went  for  a  walk 
in  Kohlmarkt  and  Herrengasse.  He  is  going  to 
America  in  the  beginning  of  July,  before  Dora  comes 
home.  He  has  given  her  some  exquisite  notepaper 
stamped  with  his  regimental  arms,  specially  for  her 
to  write  to  him  on,  and  a  locket  with  his  portrait. 
To-morrow  she  is  going  to  send  him  her  photo, 
through  me,  I  shall  be  awfully  glad  to  take  it.  Dora 
has  been  much  nicer  to  me  lately. 

June  6th.  Mother  and  Dora  left  early  this  morn- 
ing. Mother  has  never  gone  away  from  us  before  for 
long  at  a  time,  so  I  cried  a  lot  and  so  did  she.  Dora 
cried  too,  but  I  know  on  whose  account.  Father  and 
I  are  alone  now.  At  dinner  he  said  to  me:  "My 
little  housewife."  It  was  so  lovely.  But  it's  fright- 
fully quiet  in  the  house,  for  2  people  don't  talk  so 
much  as  4.  It  made  me  feel  quite  uncomfortable. 
To-day  I  talked  several  things  over  with  Resi.  What 
I  think  worst  of  all  is  that  one  saw  the  whole  of  his 


SECOND  YEAR  127 

behind,  it  was  really  disgusting.  Dora  said  the  other 
day  she  thought  it  was  positively  infamous.  Resi 
said  they  might  at  least  have  pulled  down  the  blind 
so  that  nobody  could  see  in,  that's  what  respectable 
people  would  do.  But  respectable  people  simply 
would  not  strip,  or  at  least  they'd  cover  themselves 
respectably  with  the  bedclothes.  Then  Resi  told  me 
some  more  about  the  bank  clerk  and  his  wife,  that  is 
not-wife.  She  does  not  know  if  her  parents  know 
about  it,  and  what  excuse  she  makes  for  not  living 
at  home.  She  is  not  a  Jewess,  though  he  is  a  Jew. 
Resi  absolutely  curled  up  with  laughing  because  I 
said:  "Ah,  that  is  why  he  insists  that  they  shall  both 
strip  though  ordinarily  only  the  wife  has  to  strip." 
But  she  herself  said  a  little  while  ago  that  only  Jews 
do  it  that  way,  and  to-day  she  laughed  as  if  I  were 
talking  utter  nonsense.  Really  she  does  not  know 
exactly  herself,  and  she  cloaks  it  with  laughter  because 
she's  annoyed,  first  because  she  does  not  know,  and 
then  also  I'm  sure  because  she  really  began  to  talk 
about  the  matter.  One  thing  that  puzzles  me  is  that 
I  never  dream  about  it.  I  should  like  to  know  whether 
perhaps  Dora  never  really  dreamed  of  it,  though  she 
pretended  she  did.  As  for  Hella  saying  she  dreamed 
of  it  the  day  before  yesterday,  I'm  sure  that  was  pure 
invention,  for  she  was  not  there  at  all.  She  says  it's 
a  good  thing  she  was  not  for  if  she  had  been  she 
would  have  burst  out  laughing.  But  I  fancy  if  she'd 
seen  what  we  saw  she  would  have  found  there  was 
nothing  to  laugh  at. 

June  7th.  It's  frightfully  dull  after  dinner  and 
in  the  evening  before  bed  time,  especially  because 
this  year,  since  the  affair  at  the  front  door,  Dora 
and  I  have  always  had  plenty  to  talk  about.  I  miss 
it.     I  wish  Hella  would  come  and  stay  with  us  for 


128  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

the  4  weeks.  But  she  does  not  want  to.  Father 
had  work  to  do  to-day,  so  I'm  quite  alone  and  feel  as 
if  I'd  like  to  cry. 

June  9th.  Yesterday,  when  I  was  feeling  so  melan- 
choly, Resi  came  to  make  my  bed,  and  we  talked 
about  the  married  couple  opposite,  and  then  she  told 
me  awful  things  about  a  young  married  couple  where 
she  was  once.  She  left  because  they  always  went 
into  the  bath  together;  she  says  she's  certain  that 
something  happened  there.  And  then  she  told  me 
about  an  old  gentleman  who  made  advances  to  her; 
but  of  course  she  would  not  have  anything  to  do 
with  him;  besides  he  was  married,  and  anyhow  he 
would  never  have  married  a  servant  for  he  was  a 
privy  councillor.  Yesterday  Father  said:  Poor  little 
witch,  it's  very  lonely  for  you  now;  but  look  here, 
Resi  is  no  fit  company  for  you;  when  your  little 
tongue  wants  to  wag,  come  to  my  room.  And  I  was 
awfully  stupid,  I  began  to  cry  like  anything  and 
said:  "Father,  please  don't  be  angry,  I'll  never  think 
and  never  talk  of  such  things  any  more."  Father 
did  not  know  at  first  what  I  meant,  but  afterwards 
it  must  have  struck  him,  for  he  was  so  kind  and  gentle, 
and  said:  "No,  no,  Gretel,  don't  corrupt  your  youth 
with  such  matters,  and  when  there's  anything  that 
bothers  you,  ask  Mother,  but  not  the  servants.  A  girl 
of  good  family  must  not  be  too  familiar  with  servants. 
Promise  me."  And  then,  though  I'm  so  big  he  took 
me  on  his  knee  like  a  child  and  petted  me  because  I 
was  crying  so.  "It's  all  right,  little  Mouse,  don't 
worry,  you  must  not  get  so  nervous  as  Dora.  Give 
me  a  nice  kiss,  and  then  I'll  come  with  you  to  your 
room  and  stay  with  you  till  you  go  to  sleep."  Of 
course  I  stayed  awake  on  purpose  as  long  as  I  could, 
till  K  to  11. 


SECOND  YEAR  129 

And  then  I  dreamed  that  Father  was  lying  in  Dora's 
bed  so  that  when  I  woke  up  early  in  the  morning  I 
really  looked  across  to  see  if  he  had  not  gone  to  bed 
there.    But  of  course  I'd  only  dreamed  it. 

June  12th.  To-morrow  there's  a  great  school  ex- 
cursion; I  am  so  glad,  a  whole  day  with  Frau  Doktor 
M.  and  without  any  lessons.  We  are  going  up  Eisernes 
Tor.  Last  year  there  was  no  outing,  because  the 
Fourth  did  not  want  to  go  to  the  Anninger,  but  to 
the  Hochschneeberg,  and  the  Head  did  not  want  to 
go  there. 

June  13th.  We  had  a  lovely  outing.  Hella  and 
I  spent  the  whole  day  with  Frau  Doktor  M. ;  in  the 
afternoon  Franke  said:  I  say,  why  do  you  stick  to 
Frau  Doktor  like  that?  One  can't  get  a  word  with 
you.  So  then  we  went  for  a  good  walk  through  the 
forest  with  Franke  and  she  told  us  about  a  student 
who  is  in  the  Eighth  now  and  who  is  madly  in  love 
with  her.  For  all  students  are  in  love  with  her,  so 
she  says.  We  were  not  much  interested  in  that,  but 
then  she  told  us  that  Frau  Doktor  M.  is  secretly 
engaged  to  a  professor  in  Leipzig  or  some  other  town 
in  Germany.  Her  cousin  is  Frau  Doktor's  dress- 
maker, and  she  is  quite  certain  of  it.  Her  parents 
are  opposed  to  it  because  he  is  a  Jew  but  they  are 
frantically  in  love  with  one  another  and  they  intend 
to  marry.  And  then  we  asked  Franke,  since  she  is 
a  Jewess  too  whether  it  was  all  true  what  Mali,  who 
was  here  when  Resi  was  in  hospital,  had  told  us 
about  the  Jews.  And  Franke  said :  Oh  yes,  it  is  true ; 
I  can  confirm  it  in  every  point.  But  it's  not  so  bad 
about  the  cruelty,  every  man  is  cruel,  especially  in 
this  matter."  No  doubt  she's  right,  but  it's  horrible 
to  think  that  our  lovely  and  refined  Frau  Doktor  M. 
is  going  to  have  a  cruel  husband.    Hella  says  that  if 


130  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

she  is  satisfied,  I  don't  need  to  get  excited  about  it. 

But  perhaps  she  does  not  know  that .    When 

we  came  out  of  the  wood  the  Herr  Religionsprofessor 
who  is  awfully  fond  of  Frau  Doktor  M.  called  out: 
"Frau  Doktor,  you  have  lost  your  two  satellites!" 
And  everybody  laughed  because  we'd  come  back. 
Father  came  to  fetch  Hella  and  me,  and  since  it  was 
nearly  1 1  o'clock  Hella  stayed  the  night  with  us.  It 
was  awfully  nice,  but  at  the  same  time  I  was  sorry 
because  I  could  not  have  any  more  talk  with  Father. 
When  we  were  getting  up  in  the  morning  we  splashed 
one  another  and  played  the  fool  generally,  so  that 
we  were  nearly  late  for  school.  The  staff  was  still 
in  high  spirits,  including  Professor  Wilke,  about 
whom  we  had  not  bothered  ourselves  all  day;  that  is 
he  did  not  come  until  the  afternoon  when  he  came  to 
meet  us  on  our  way.  We  believe  he  is  in  love  with 
Frau  Doktor  M.  too,  for  he  went  about  with  her  all 
the  time,  and  it  was  probably  on  her  account  that 
he  came.  None  of  the  other  professors  were  there, 
for  they  were  all  taking  their  classes  in  the  different 
Gymnasiums. 

June  14th.  I  am  so  excited.  We  were  going  to 
school  to-day  at  9  and  suddenly  we  heard  a  tremend- 
ous rattling  with  a  sword;  that  is  Hella  heard  it, 
for  she  always  notices  that  sort  of  thing  before  I  do, 
and  she  said:  "Hullo,  that's  an  o —  in  a  frightful 
hurry,  and  looked  round;  "I  say,  there's  Viktor  be- 
hind us"  and  he  really  was,  he  was  saluting  us  and 
he  said:  Fraulein  Rita,  can  you  give  me  a  moment; 
you'll  excuse  me  won't  you,  Fraulein  Hella?  He 
always  calls  me  Rita,  and  it  shows  what  a  nice  refined 
kind  of  a  man  he  is  that  he  should  know  my  friend's 
name.  Hella  said  directly:  "Don't  mention  it,  Herr 
Oberleutenant,  don't  let  me  be  in  your  way  if  it's 


SECOND  YEAR  131 

anything  important,"  and  she  went  over  to  the  other 
side  of  the  street.  He  looked  after  her  and  said: 
"What  a  lovely,  well-mannered  young  lady  your 
friend  is."  Then  he  came  back  to  the  main  point. 
He  has  already  had  2  letters  from  Dora,  but  not  an 
answer  to  his  letter,  because  she  can't  fetch  it  from 
the  post  office,  poste  restante.  Then  he  implored  me 
to  enclose  a  letter  from  him  in  mine  to  Dora.  But 
since  Mother  naturally  reads  my  letters,  I  told  him 
it  was  not  so  simple  as  all  that;  but  I  knew  of  a 
splendid  way  out  of  the  difficulty ;  I  would  write  to 
Mother  and  Dora  at  the  same  time,  so  that  Dora 
could  get  hold  of  his  letter  while  Mother  was  not 
noticing.  Viktor  was  awfully  pleased  and  said: 
You're  a  genius  and  a  first-class  little  schemer,  and 
kissed  my  hand.  Still,  he  might  have  left  out  the 
"little."  If  one's  is  so  little,  one  can't  very  well  be  a 
schemer.  From  the  other  side  of  the  street  Hella 
saw  him  kiss  my  hand.  She  says  I  did  not  try  to  draw 
it  away,  but  held  it  out  to  him  like  a  grand  lady  and 
even  dropped  it  at  the  wrist.  She  says  we  girls  of 
good  family  do  that  sort  of  thing  by  instinct.  It  may 
be  so,  for  I  certainly  did  not  do  it  intentionally. 
In  the  afternoon  I  wrote  the  two  letters,  just  the 
ordinary  one  to  Mother  and  a  short  one  to  Dora 
with  the  enclosure,  and  took  it  to  the  post  myself. 

June  16th.  I've  already  got  so  used  to  being  alone 
with  Father  that  I  take  it  as  a  matter  of  course.  We 
often  drive  in  the  Prater,  or  go  in  the  evening  to  have 
supper  in  one  of  the  parks,  and  of  course  Hella  comes 
with  us.  I  am  frightfully  excited  to  know  what  Dora 
will  write.  I  forgot  to  write  in  my  diary  the  other 
day  that  I  asked  Viktor  if  he  was  really  going  to 
New  York.  He  said  he  had  no  idea  of  doing  any- 
thing of  the  kind,  that  had  only  been  a  false  alarm 


132  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

on  the  part  of  the  Old  Man.  That's  what  he  calls 
his  father.  I  don't  think  it's  very  nice  of  him,  a 
little  vulgar,  and  perhaps  that  is  why  Father  can't 
stand  him.  In  fact  Father  does  not  like  any  officers 
very  much,  except  Hella's  father,  but  then  he's  fairly 
old  already.  I  say,  Hella  mustn't  read  that,  it  would 
put  her  in  an  awful  wax;  but  her  father  really  is  at 
least  4  or  5  years  older  than  Father. 

June  17th.  Frau  Doktor  M.  is  ill,  but  we  don't 
know  what's  the  matter  with  her.  We  were  all 
frightfuly  dull  at  school.  The  head  took  her  classes 
and  we  were  left  to  ourselves  in  the  interval.  I  do  hope 
she  has  not  got  appendicitis,  that  would  be  awful. 

June  18th.  She  isn't  back  yet.  Frau  Doktor 
Steiner  says  she  has  very  bad  tonsillitis  and  won't 
be  able  to  come  for  at  least  a  week. 

June  19th.  There  was  a  letter  from  Dora  to-day. 
I'm  furious.  Not  a  word  about  my  sisterly  affection, 
but  only:  "Many  thanks  for  your  trouble."  It's 
really  too  bad;  he  is  quite  different! !  I  shan't  for- 
get this  in  a  hurry.  Hella  says  that  she  only  hinted 
at  it  like  that  to  be  on  the  safe  side.  But  it's  not 
true,  for  she  knows  perfectly  well  that  Father  never 
reads  our  letters.  She  simply  takes  it  as  a  matter  of 
course.  Yesterday  was  the  first  time  I  stayed  away 
from  school  since  I  went  to  the  High  School.  Early 
in  the  morning  I  had  such  a  bad  sore  throat  and  a 
headache,  so  Father  would  not  let  me  go.  I  got  better 
as  the  day  went  on,  but  this  morning  I  was  worse 
again.  Most  likely  I  shall  have  to  stay  at  home  for 
2  or  3  days.  Father  wanted  to  send  for  the  doctor, 
but  it  really  was  not  necessary. 

June  20th.  When  Resi  was  doing  our  room  to-day 
she  wanted  to  begin  talking  once  more  about  various 
things,  but  I  said  I  did  not  particularly  care  to  hear 


SECOND  YEAR  133 

about  such  matters,  and  then  she  implored  me  never 
to  tell  Mother  and  Father  anything  about  what  she 
had  said  to  us  about  the  young  married  couple;  she 
said  she  would  lose  her  place  and  she  would  be  awfully 
sorry  to  do  that. 

June  21st.  My  knees  are  still  trembling;  there 
might  have  been  a  frightful  row;  luckily  Father  was 
out.  At  Yi  past  6,  when  Hell  a  and  I  were  having  a 
talk,  the  telephone  bell  rang.  Luckily  Resi  had  gone 
out  too  to  fetch  something  so  I  answered  the  telephone, 
and  it  was  Viktor!  "I  must  see  you  to-morrow 
morning  early  or  at  1  o'clock;  I  waited  for  you  in 
vain  at  1  to-day."  Of  course,  for  I  was  still  ill,  that 
is  still  am  ill.  But  well  or  ill  I  must  go  to  school 
to-morrow.  If  Father  had  been  at  home;  or  even 
Resi,  she  might  have  noticed  something.  It  would 
have  been  very  disagreeable  if  I  had  had  to  ask  her 
not  to  give  me  away.  Hella  was  frightfully  cheeky, 
she  took  the  receiver  out  of  my  hand  and  said: 
"Please  don't  do  this  again,  it's  frightfully  risky  for 
my  friend."  I  was  rather  annoyed  with  her,  but  Hella 
said  he  certainly  deserved  a  lecture. 

To-morrow  we  are  going  to  a  concert  and  I  shall 
wear  my  new  white  dress.  It  does  look  rather  nice 
after  all  for  sisters  to  be  dressed  alike.  I've  taken 
to  wearing  "snails,"  *  Father  calls  them  "cow-pats;" 
but  everyone  else  says  it's  exceedingly  becoming. 

June  22nd.  He  was  awfully  charming  when  he 
came  up  to  us  and  said:  "Can  a  repentant  sinner 
be  received  back  into  grace?"  And  he  gave  each  of 
us  a  lovely  rose.  Then  he  handed  me  a  letter  and 
said:  "I  don't  think  we  need  make  any  secret  be- 
fore your  energetic  friend."    Really  I  did  not  want  to 

1  Flat  rolls  of  hair-plait  covering  the  ears. —  Translators'  Note. 


134  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

forward  any  more  letters  but  I  did  not  know  how 
to  say  so  without  offending  him,  for  Dora's  cheek 
is  not  his  fault,  and  I  did  not  want  to  say  anything 
to-day,  1  because  of  the  roses,  and  2  because  Hella 
was  there.  There  can't  be  more  than  2  or  3  times 
more,  so  I  shan't  bother.  But  Dora  doesn't  deserve 
it,  really.  Franke  is  a  vulgar  girl.  She  saw  us  to- 
gether the  other  day,  and  the  next  day  she  asked: 
Where  did  you  pick  up  that  handsome  son  of  Mars? 
Hella  retorted:  "Don't  use  such  common  expressions 
when  you  are  speaking  of  Rita's  cousin."  "Oh,  a 
cousin,  that's  why  he  kisses  her  hand  I  suppose?" 
Since  then  we  only  speak  to  Franke  when  we  are 
positively  obliged.  Not  to  speak  to  her  at  all  would 
be  too  dangerous,  you  never  can  tell;  but  if  we  speak 
only  a  little,  she  can't  take  offence. 

June  23rd.  The  school  insp.  came  yesterday,  the 
old  one  who  always  comes  for  Maths.  He  is  so  kind 
and  gentle  that  all  the  girls  can  answer  everything; 
we  like  him  better  than  the  one  who  comes  for 
languages.  Verbenowitsch  was  awfully  puffed  up 
because  he  praised  her.  Good  Lord,  I've  been  praised 
often  enough,  but  that  does  not  make  me  conceited. 
Anyhow  he  did  not  call  on  me  yesterday  because  I'd 
been  absent  4  days  .  Frau  Doktor  M.  came  back 
to-day.  She  looks  awfully  pale  and  wretched,  I  don't 
know  why;  it's  such  a  pity  that  she  does  not  let  us 
walk  home  with  her,  except  last  year  when  there  was 
all  that  fuss  about  Fraulein  St.'s  bead  bag.  She  bows 
to  us  all  very  politely  when  we  salute  her,  but  she 
won't  walk  with  any  of  the  pupils,  though  Verbeno- 
witsch is  horribly  pushing  and  is  always  hanging 
about  on  the  chance. 

June  26th.  It's  really  stupid  how  anxious  I  am 
now  at  Communion  lest  the  host  should  drop  out  of 


SECOND  YEAR  135 

my  mouth.  I  was  so  anxious  I  was  very  nearly  sick. 
Hella  says  there  must  be  some  reason  for  it,  but  I 
don't  know  of  any,  except  that  the  accident  which  that 
girl  Lutter  in  the  Third  had  made  me  even  more 
anxious  that  I  was  before.  Hella  says  I'd  better  turn 
Protestant,  but  nothing  would  induce  me  to  do  that; 
for  after  Com.  one  feels  so  pure  and  so  much  better 
than  one  was  before.  But  I'm  sorry  to  say  it  does  not 
last  so  long  as  it  ought  to. 

June  27  th.  Mother  is  really  ill.  Father  told  me 
about  it.  He  was  awfully  nice  and  said:  If  only 
your  Mother  is  spared  to  us.  She  is  far  from  well. 
Then  I  asked:  Father,  what  is  really  wrong  with 
Mother?  And  Father  said:  "Well,  dear,  it's  a  hidden 
trouble,  which  has  really  been  going  on  for  a  long 
time  and  has  now  suddenly  broken  out."  "Will  she 
have  to  have  an  operation?"  "We  hope  we  shall  be 
able  to  avoid  that.  But  it's  a  terrible  thing  that 
Mother  should  be  so  ill."  Father  looked  so  miserable 
when  he  said  this  that  I  did  my  best  to  console  him 
and  said:  But  surely  the  mud  baths  will  make  her  all 
right,  or  why  should  she  take  them?"  And  Father 
said:  "Well,  darling,  we'll  hope  for  the  best."  We 
went  on  talking  for  a  long  time,  saying  that  Mother 
must  take  all  possible  care  of  herself,  and  that  per- 
haps in  the  autumn  Aunt  Dora  would  come  here  to 
keep  house.  I  asked  Father,  "Is  it  true  that  you  don't 
like  Aunt  Dora?"  Father  said:  "Not  a  bit  of  it, 
what  put  that  idea  into  your  head?"  So  I  said: 
"But  you  do  like  Mother  much  better,  don't  you?" 
Father  laughed  and  said:  "You  little  goose,  of  course 
I  do,  or  I  should  have  married  Aunt  Dora  and  not 
Mother."  I  should  have  liked  awfully  to  ask  Father 
a  lot  more,  but  I  did  not  dare.  I  really  do  miss 
Dora,  especially  in  the  evenings. 


136  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

July  2nd.     I  was  in  a  tremendous  rage  at  school 
to-day.      Professor   W.,    the   traitor,    did   not   come 
because  he  had  confession   and  communion   in  the 
Gymnasium,  and  the  matron  did  not  know  anything 
about  the  subject  so  there  was  no  one  to  take  his 
class.     Then  the  Herr  Religionsprofessor  took  it,  he 
had  come  earlier  than  usual  to  write  up  the  reports. 
But  since  the  Jewish  girls  were  there  too,  of  course 
there  was  no  religion  lesson.    But  the  H.  Rel.  Prof, 
had  a  chat  with  us.    He  asked  each  of  us  where  we 
were  going  to  spend  the  summer,  and  when  I  said  I 
was  going  to  Rodaun,  Weinberger  said:    I  say,  only 
to  Rodaun!  and  several  of  the  other  girls  chimed  in: 
Only  to  Rodaun;  why  that's  only  a  drive  on  the  steam 
tram.     I  was  frightfully  annoyed,  for  we  generally 
go  to  Tyrol  or  Styria;  I  said  so  directly,  and  then 
Franke  said:    Last  year  too,  I  think,  you  went  some- 
where quite  close  to  Vienna,  where  was  it,  Hain — , 
and  then  she  stopped  and  made  as  if  she  had  never 
heard  of  Hainfeld.     Of  course  that  was  all  put  on, 
but  she's  very  angry  because  we  won't  speak  to  her 
since  that  business  about  the  cousin!    But  now  I  was 
to  learn  what  true  friendship  is.    While  I  was  getting 
still  more  angry,  Hella  said :    Rita's  Mother  is  now  in 
Franzensbad,  the  world-famous  health  resort;  she  is 
ill,  and  Prof.  Sch.  has  to  go  and  see  her  at  least  once 
a  week.     The  Herr  Rel.  Prof,  was  awfully  nice  and 
said:     Rodaun  is  a  lovely  place.     The  air  there  is 
very  fine  and  will  certainly  do  your  Mother  a  lot  of 
good.     That's  the  chief  thing,  isn't  it  children?     I 
hope  that  God  will  spare  all  your  parents  for  many 
years.    When  the  Herr  Rel.  Prof,  said  that,  Lampel, 
whose  Mother  died  last  winter,  burst  out  crying,  and 
I  cried  too,  for  I  thought  of  my  talk  with  Father. 
Weinberger  and  Franke  thought  I  was  crying  because 


SECOND  YEAR  137 

I  was  annoyed  because  we  were  only  going  to  Rodaun. 
In  the  interval  Franke  said:  After  all,  there's  no 
harm  in  going  to  Rodaun,  that's  no  reason  for  crying. 
But  Hella  said:  "Excuse  me,  the  Lainers  can  go 
anywhere  they  please,  they  are  so  well  off  that  many 
people  might  envy  them.  Besides,  her  Mother  and  her 
sister  are  in  Franzensbad  now,  where  everything  is 
frightfully  expensive,  and  in  Rodaun  they  have  rented 
a  house  all  for  themselves.  Rita  is  crying  because  she 
is  anxious  about  her  Mother,  not  because  of  anything 
you  said."  Of  course  we  don't  speak  a  word  to  Franke 
now.  Mother  does  not  want  us  to  anyhow,  she  did 
not  like  her  at  all  when  she  met  her  last  year.  Mother 
has  a  fine  instinct  in  such  matters. 

July  6th.    We  broke  up  to-day.    I  have  nothing  but 

Very  Goods,  except  of  course  in Natural  History ! 

That  was  to  be  expected.    What (I  can't  bring 

myself  to  write  the  name)  said  was  perfectly  right. 
Nearly  all  the  girls  who  were  still  there  brought  Frau 
Doktor  M.  and  Frau  Doktor  St.  flowers  as  farewell 
tokens.  This  time,  Hella  and  I  were  allowed  to  go 
with  Frau  Doktor  M.  to  the  metropolitan.  When  we 
kiss  her  hand  she  always  blushes,  and  we  love  doing 

it.     This  summer  holidays  she  is  going  to 

Germany,  of  course;  really  Hella  need  not  have  asked; 
it's  obvious ! ! ! 

July  8th.  Mother  and  Dora  are  coming  home  to- 
day. We  are  going  to  meet  them  at  the  station.  By 
the  way,  I'd  quite  forgotten.  The  other  day  Father 
hid  a  new  5  crown  piece  in  my  table  napkin,  and 
when  I  lifted  up  my  table  napkin  it  fell  out,  and 
Father  said:  In  part  payment  of  your  outlay  on 
flowers  for  the  table.  Father  is  such  a  darling,  the 
flowers  did  not  cost  anything  like  5  crowns,  3  at  most, 
for  though  they  were  lovely  ones,  I  only  bought  fresh 


138  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

ones  every  other  day.  Now  I  shall  be  able  to  buy 
Mother  lots  of  roses,  and  I  shall  either  take  them  to 
the  station  or  put  them  on  her  table.  On  the  one 
hand  I'm  awfully  glad  Mother  is  coming  home,  but 
on  the  other  hand  I  did  like  being  alone  with  Father 
for  he  always  talked  to  me  about  everything  just  as 
he  does  to  Mother;  that  will  come  to  an  end  now. 

July  10th.  Mother  and  Dora  look  splendid;  I'm 
especially  glad  about  Mother;  for  one  can  see  that 
she  is  quite  well  again.  If  we  had  not  taken  the 
house  in  Rodaun,  we  might  just  as  well  go  to  Tyrol, 
for  one  can't  deny  it  would  be  much  nicer.  Dora 
looks  quite  a  stranger.  It's  absurd,  for  one  can't 
alter  in  1  month,  still,  she  really  looks  quite  different; 
she  does  her  hair  differently,  parted  over  the  ears. 
I  have  had  no  chance  yet  to  say  anything  about  the 
"trouble,"  and  she  has  not  alluded  to  it.  In  the 
autumn  she  will  have  to  have  a  special  exam,  for 
the  Sixth  because  she  went  away  a  month  before  the 
end  of  term.  Father  says  that  is  only  pro  forma 
and  that  she  must  not  take  any  lesson  books  to  the 
country.  Hella  went  away  yesterday,  she  and  her 
Mother  and  Lizzi  are  going  first  to  Gastein  and  then 
to  stay  with  their  uncle  in  Hungary.  Life  is  dull 
without  Hella,  much  worse  than  without  Dora;  with- 
out her  I  was  simply  bored  sometimes  in  the  evening, 
at  bedtime.  Dora  gives  it  out  that  in  Franzensbad 
people  treated  her  as  a  grown-up  lady.  I'm  sure 
that's  not  true  for  anyone  can  see  that  she's  a  long 
way  from  being  a  grown-up  lady  yet. 

July  11th.  I  can't  think  what's  happened  to  Dora. 
When  she  goes  out  she  goes  alone.  She  doesn't  tell 
me  when  she  is  going  or  where,  and  she  hasn't  said 
a  word  about  Viktor.  But  he  must  know  that  she  is 
back.    To-morrow  we  are  going  to  Rodaun,  by  train 


SECOND  YEAR  139 

of  course,  not  by  the  steam  tram.  The  day  after 
to-morrow,  the  13th,  Oswald  has  the  viva  voce  exam, 
for  his  matriculation.  He  says  that  in  every  class 
there  are  at  least  1  or  several  swotters,  like  Verbeno- 
witsch  in  ours,  he  says  they  spoil  the  pitch  for  the 
others,  for,  because  of  the  swotters,  the  professors 
expect  so  much  more  of  the  others  and  sit  upon  them. 
This  may  be  so  in  the  Gymnasium,  but  certainly  not 
at  the  High  School.  For  though  Verb,  is  always 
sucking  up  to  the  staff,  they  can't  stand  her;  they 
give  her  good  reports,  but  none  of  them  really  like 
her.  Mother  says  the  13th  is  an  unlucky  day,  and  it 
makes  her  anxious  about  Oswald.  Because  of  that  she 
went  to  High  Mass  yesterday  instead  of  the  9  o'clock 
Mass  as  usual.  I  never  thought  of  praying  for  Os- 
wald, and  anyhow  I  think  he'll  get  through  all  right. 
July  13th.  Thank  goodness  Oswald  has  wired  he 
is  through,  that  is  he  has  wired  his  favourite  phrase: 
Finis  with  Jubilation.  At  any  rate  that  did  not  worry 
Mother  as  he  did  over  the  written  exam.,  when  he 
made  silly  jokes  all  the  time.  He  won't  be  home 
until  the  17th,  for  the  matriculation  dinner  is  on  the 
15th.  Father  is  awfully  pleased  too.  It's  lovely  here; 
of  course  we  have  not  really  got  a  whole  house  to 
ourselves,  as  Hella  pretended  at  school,  but  a  flat  on 
the  first  story;  in  the  mezzanin  a  young  married 
woman  lives,  that  is  to  say  a  newly  married  couple! ! 
Whenever  I  hear  that  phrase  it  makes  me  shake 
with  horror  and  laughter  combined.  Resi  must  have 
thought  of  it  too,  for  she  looked  hard  at  Dora  and 
me  when  she  told  us.  But  they  have  a  baby  already, 
so  they  are  not  really  a  newly  married  couple  any 
more.  The  landlord,  who  lives  on  the  same  floor  as 
us,  is  having  a  swing  put  up  for  me  in  the  garden, 
for  it  is  horrid  not  to  have  a  swing  in  the  country. 


140  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

July  16th.  At  last  Dora  has  said  something  to 
me  about  Viktor,  but  she  spoke  very  coldly;  there 
must  be  something  up;  she  might  just  as  well  tell 
me;  she  really  ought  to  seeing  all  that  I've  done. 
I  have  not  seen  him  since  that  last  letter  of  June  27th; 
that  time  something  must  have  happ —  no  that  word 
means  something  quite  different,  there  must  be  some- 
thing up,  but  I  do  wonder  what.  Hella  is  delighted 
with  Gastein,  she  writes  that  the  only  thing  wanting 
is  me.  I  can  quite  understand  that,  for  what  I  want 
here  is  her.  Before  the  end  of  term  Ada  wrote  to 
ask  whether  we  were  not  coming  to  H.  this  year;  she 
said  she  had  such  a  frightful  lot  to  tell  me,  and  she 
wants  my  advice.  I  shall  be  very  glad  to  advise  her, 
but  I  don't  know  what  it  is  about. 

July  18th.     Something  splendid,  we  are — 

But  no,  I  must  write  it  all  out  in  proper  order.  Oswald 
came  home  yesterday,  he  is  in  great  form  and  said 
jokingly  to  Dora  that  she  is  so  pretty  he  thinks  he 
would  fall  in  love  with  her  if  she  were  not  his  sister. 
Just  before  it  was  time  to  go  to  supper,  Mother  called 
us  in,  and  I  was  rather  annoyed  when  I  saw  that  it 
was  only  a  54  to  8.  Then  Father  came  in  with  a  paper 
in  his  hand  as  he  often  does  when  he  comes  back  from 
the  office,  and  said:  "Dear  Oswald  and  you  two  girls, 
I  wanted  to  give  you  and  especially  Oswald  a  little 
treat  because  of  the  matriculation."  Aha,  I  thought, 
the  great  prize  after  all!  Then  Father  opened  the 
paper  and  said:  "You  have  often  wondered  as  chil- 
dren why  we  have  no  title  of  nobility  like  the  other 
Lainers.  My  grandfather  dropped  it,  but  I  have  got 
it  back  again  for  you  Oswald,  and  also  for  you  two 
girls.  Henceforward  we  shall  call  ourselves  Lanier 
von  Lainsheim  like  Aunt  Anna  and  your  uncles." 
Oswald  was  simply  speechless  and  I  was  the  first  to 


SECOND  YEAR  141 

pull  myself  together  and  give  Father  a  great  hug. 
But  first  of  all  he  said:  "Do  credit  to  the  name." 
Oswald  went  on  clearing  his  throat  for  a  frightfully 
long  time,  and  then  he  said:  Thank  you,  Father,  I 
shall  always  hold  the  name  in  trust,  and  then  they 
kissed  one  another.  We  were  on  our  best  behaviour 
all  through  the  evening,  although  Mother  had  ordered 
roast  chicken  and  Father  had  provided  a  bottle  of 
champagne.  I  am  frightfully  happy ;  it's  so  splendid 
and  noble.  Think  of  what  the  girls  will  say,  and  the 
staff!  I'm  frantically  delighted.  To-morrow  I  must 
write  and  tell  Hella  all  about  it. 

July  19th.  I've  managed  it  beautifully.  I  did  not 
want  to  write  just:  We  are  now  noble,  so  I  put  it 
all  in  the  signature,  simply  writing  Always  your  lov- 
ing friend  Rita  Lainer  von  Lainsheim.  I  told  Resi 
about  it  first  thing  this  morning,  but  Father  scolded 
me  about  that  at  dinner  time  and  said  it  was  quite 
unnecessary;  it  seems  the  nobility  has  gone  to  your 
head.  Nothing  of  the  sort,  but  it's  natural  that  I 
should  be  frightfully  glad  and  Dora  too  has  covered 
a  whole  sheet  of  paper  writing  her  new  name.  Father 
says  it  does  not  really  make  us  any  different  from 
what  we  were  before,  but  that  is  not  true,  for  if  it  were 
he  would  not  have  bothered  to  revive  the  title.  He 
says  it  will  make  it  easier  for  Oswald  to  get  on,  but 
I'm  sure  there's  more  in  it  than  that.  Resi  told  the 
landlord  about  it  and  in  the  afternoon  he  and  his 
wife  called  to  congratulate  us. 

July  20th.  Oswald  says  he  won't  stay  here,  it's 
much  too  dull,  he  is  going  for  a  walking  tour  through 
the  Alps,  to  Grossglockner,  and  then  to  the  Karawan- 
ken.  He  will  talk  of  Father  as  the  "Old  Man,"  and 
I  do  think  it  is  so  vulgar.  Dora  says  it  is  absolutely 
-flippant. 


142  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

July  24th.  Hella's  answer  came  to-day;  she  con- 
gratulates me  most  heartily,  and  then  goes  on  to  write 
that  at  first  she  was  struck  dumb  and  thought  I'd  gone 
crazy  or  was  trying  to  take  her  in.  But  her  mother  had 
already  heard  of  it  from  her  father  for  it  had  been  pub- 
lished in  the  Official  Gazette.  Now  we  are  both  noble, 
and  that  is  awfully  nice.  For  I  have  often  been 
annoyed  that  she  wras  noble  when  I  was  not. 

July  25th.  Oswald  left  to-day.  Father  gave  him 
300  crowns  for  his  walking  tour,  because  of  the  ma- 
triculation. I  said:  "In  that  case  I  shall  matriculate 
as  soon  as  I  can"  and  Oswald  said:  "For  that  one 
wants  rather  more  brains  in  one's  head  than  you 
girls  have."  What  cheek,  Frau  Doktor  M.  passed  the 
Gymnasium  matriculation  and  Frau  Doktor  Steiner 
passed  it  too  as  an  extra.  Dora  said  quietly:  Maybe 
I  shall  show  you  that  your  sister  can  matriculate 
too;  anyhow  you  have  always  said  yourself  that 
the  chief  thing  you  need  to  get  through  the  matricula- 
tion is  cheek.  Then  I  had  a  splendid  idea  and  said: 
"But  we  girls  have  not  got  cheek,  we  study  when  we 
have  to  pass  an  examination ! "  Mother  wanted  us 
to  make  it  up  with  him,  but  we  would  not.  In  the 
evening  Dora  said  to  me:  Oswald  is  frantically 
arrogant,  though  he  has  had  such  a  lot  of  Satisf  actories 
and  has  only  just  scraped  through  his  exam.  By  the 
way  here's  another  sample  of  Oswald's  stupidity; 
directly  after  the  wire:  "Finis  with  Jubilation" 
came  another  which  ought  to  have  arrived  first,  for 
it  had  been  handed  in  4  hours  earlier,  with  nothing 
but  the  word  "Through"  [Durch] .  Mother  was  fright- 
fully upset  by  it  for  she  was  afraid  it  really  meant  failed 
[durchgef alien],  and  that  the  other  telegram  had  been 
only  an  idiotic  joke.  Dora  and  I  would  never  conde- 
scend to  such  horseplay.    Father  always  says  Oswald 


SECOND  YEAR  143 

will  sow  all  his  wild  oats  at  the  university,  but  he  said 
to-day  that  he  was  not  going  to  the  university,  but 
would  study  mining,  and  then  perhaps  law. 

July  29th.  It's  sickeningly  dull  here,  I  simply 
don't  know  what  to  do;  I  really  can't  read  and  swing 
the  whole  day  long,  and  Dora  has  become  as  dull  as 
she  used  to  be;  that  is,  even  duller,  for  not  only  does 
she  not  quarrel,  but  she  won't  talk,  that  is  she  won't 
talk  about  certain  things.  She  is  perfectly  crazy 
about  the  baby  of  the  young  couple  in  the  mezzanin; 
he's  10  months  old,  and  I  can't  see  what  she  sees  to 
please  her  in  such  a  little  pig;  she's  always  carrying 
him  about  and  yesterday  he  made  her  all  wet,  I 
wished  her  joy  of  it.  It  made  her  pretty  sick,  and 
I  hope  it  will  cure  her  infatuation. 

Thank  goodness  to-morrow  is  my  birthday,  that 
will  be  a  bit  of  a  change.  To-morrow  we  are  going 
to  the  Parapluie  Berg,  but  I  hope  we  shan't  want 
our  umbrellas.  Father  is  coming  back  at  1  so  that 
we  can  get  away  at  2  or  ^2  past.  Hella  has  sent  me 
to-day  a  lock-up  box  for  letters,  etc. !  !  !  of  course 
filled  with  sweets  and  a  tremendously  long  letter  to 
tell  me  how  she  is  getting  on  in  Gastein.  But  they 
are  only  going  to  stay  a  month  because  it  is  frantically 
expensive,  a  roll  5  kreuzer  and  a  bottle  of  beer  1  crown. 
And  the  rolls  are  so  small  that  one  simply  has  to  eat  3 
for  breakfast  and  for  afternoon  tea.  But  it's  awfully 
smart  in  the  hotel,  several  grooms;  then  there  are 
masses  of  Americans  and  English  and  even  a  consul's 
family  from  Sydney  in  Australia. —  I  spend  most  of 
the  day  playing  with  two  dachshund  puppies.  They 
are  called  Max  and  Moritz,  though  of  course  one  of 
them  is  a  bitch.  That  is  really  a  word  which  one 
ought  not  to  write,  for  it  means  something,  at  least 
in  its  other  meaning. 


THIRD  YEAR 

AGE  THIRTEEN  TO  FOURTEEN 


THIRD  YEAR 

July  31st.  Yesterday  was  my  birthday,  the 
thirteenth.  Mother  gave  me  a  clock  with  a  luminous 
dial  which  I  wanted  for  my  night-table.  Of  course 
that  is  chiefly  of  use  during  the  long  winter  nights; 
embroidered  collars;  from  Father,  A  Bad  Boy's  Diary, 
which  one  of  the  nurses  lent  Hella  when  she  was  in 
hospital;  it's  such  a  delightfully  funny  book,  but 
Father  says  it's  stupid  because  no  boy  could  have 
written  all  that,  a  new  racquet  with  a  leather  case, 
an  awfully  fine  one,  a  Sirk,  and  tennis  balls  from 
Dora.  Correspondence  cards,  blue-grey  with  silver 
edge.  Grandfather  and  Grandmother  sent  a  basket 
of  cherries,  red  ones,  and  a  basket  of  currants  and 
strawberries;  the  strawberries  are  only  for  me  for  my 
birthday.  Aunt  Dora  sent  three  neckties  from  Berlin 
for  winter  blouses.  In  the  afternoon  we  went  to  the 
Par.-Berg.  It  would  have  been  awfully  jolly  if  only 
Mother  could  have  gone  too  or  if  Hella  had  been  there. 

August  1st.  I  got  a  letter  from  Ada  to-day.  She 
sends  me  many  happy  returns,  for  she  thinks  it  is 
on  the  1st  of  August,  and  then  comes  the  chief  thing. 
She  is  frightfully  unhappy.  She  writes  that  she  wants 
to  escape  from  the  cramping  environment  of  her  family, 
she  simply  can't  endure  the  stifling  atmosphere  of 
home.  She  has  been  to  St.  P.  to  see  the  actor  for 
whom  she  has  such  an  admiration,  he  heard  her  recite 
something  and  said  she  had  real  dramatic  talent;  he 
would  be  willing  to  train  her  for  the  stage,  but  only 
with  her  parents'  consent.     But  of  course  they  will 

147 


148  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

never  give  it.  She  writes  that  this  has  made  her  so 
nervous  she  feels  like  crying  or  raving  all  day  long, 
in  fact  she  can't  stand  so  dismal  a  life  any  longer.  / 
am  her  last  hope.  She  would  like  me  to  come  to  stay 
with  them,  or  still  better  if  she  could  come  and  stay 
with  us  for  two  or  3  weeks,  then  she  would  tell 
Mother  about  everything,  and  perhaps  it  might  be 
possible  to  arrange  for  her  to  live  with  us  in  Vienna 
for  a  year;  in  the  autumn  Herr  G.,  the  actor,  is  coming 
to  the  Raimund  Theatre  and  she  could  begin  her 
training  there.  At  the  end  of  her  letter  she  says  that 
it  rests  with  my  discretion  and  my  tact  to  make  her 
the  happiest  creature  in  the  world!  I  don't  really 
know  what  I  shall  be  able  to  do.  Still,  I've  made  a 
beginning;  I  said  I  found  it  so  frightfully  dull  —  if 
only  Hella  were  here,  or  at  least  Ada,  or  even  Marina. 
Then  Mother  said:  But  Marina  is  away  in  the 
country,  in  Carinthia,  and  it's  not  likely  that  Ada  will 
be  able  to  come.  Father,  too,  is  awfully  sorry  that 
I  find  it  so  dull,  and  so  at  supper  he  said:  Would 
you  really  like  Ada  to  come  here?  Certainly  her  age 
makes  her  a  better  companion  for  you  than  Dora. 
You  seemed  to  get  on  better  together  last  year.  And 
then  he  said  to  Mother:  Do  you  think  it  would 
bother  you,  Berta,  to  have  Ada  here?  and  Mother 
said,  "Not  a  bit;  if  Gretel  would  like  it;  it's  really 
her  turn  now,  Dora  came  with  me  to  Franzensbad, 
Oswald  is  having  his  walking  tour,  and  only  our 
little  pet  has  not  had  anything  for  herself;  would 
you  like  it  Gretel?"  "Oh  yes,  Mother,  I  should  like 
it  awfully,  I'll  write  directly;  it's  no  fun  to  me  to 
carry  about  that  little  brat  the  way  Dora  does,  and 
jolly  as  the  Bad  Boy's  Diary  is  I  can't  read  it  all 
day."  So  I  am  writing  to  Ada  directly,  just  as  if  / 
had  thought  of  it  and  wanted  her  to  come.     I  shall 


THIRD  YEAR  149 

be  so  frightfully  happy  if  it  all  comes  off  and  if  Ada 
really  becomes  a  great  actress,  like  Wolter  whom 
Mother  is  always  talking  of,  then  I  shall  have  done 
something  towards  helping  Vienna  to  have  a  great 
actress  and  towards  making  Ada  the  happiest  creature 
in  the  world  instead  of  the  unhappiest. 

August  2nd.  In  my  letter  I  did  not  say  anything 
to  Ada  about  our  having  been  ennobled,  or  as  Dora 
says  re-ennobled,  since  the  family  has  been  noble  for 
generations;  she  will  find  out  about  it  soon  enough 
when  she  comes  here.  Mother  keeps  on  saying: 
Don't  put  on  such  airs,  especially  about  a  thing  which 
we  have  not  done  anything  particular  to  deserve. 
But  that's  not  quite  fair,  for  unless  Father  had  done 
such  splendid  service  in  connection  with  the  laws  or 
the  constitution  or  something  two  years  ago,  some- 
times sitting  up  writing  all  night,  perhaps  he  would 
never  have  been  re-ennobled.  Besides,  I  really  can't 
see  why  Father  and  Mother  should  have  made  such  a 
secret  about  it  last  winter.  They  might  just  as  well 
have  let  us  know.  But  I  suppose  Father  wanted  to 
give  us  a  real  surprise.  And  he  did  too;  Dora's  face 
and  the  way  Oswald  cleared  his  throat !  !  As  far  as  I 
can  make  out  no  one  seems  to  have  noticed  what  sort 
of  a  face  I  was  making. 

August  3rd.  I've  found  out  now  why  Dora  is  so 
different,  that  is  why  she  is  again  just  as  she  was 
some  time  ago,  before  last  winter.  During  the  4 
weeks  in  Fr.  she  has  found  a  real  friend  in  Mother! 
To-day  I  turned  the  conversation  to  Viktor,  and  all 
she  said  at  first  was:  Oh,  I  don't  correspond  with 
him  any  more.  And  when  I  asked:  "Have  you  had 
a  quarrel,  and  whose  fault  was  it?"  she  said:  "Oh, 
no,  I  just  bade  him  farewell."  "What  do  you  mean, 
bade  him  farewell;  but  he's  not  really  going  to  Amer- 


150  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

ica,  is  he?"  And  then  she  said:  "My  dear  Rita, 
we  had  better  clear  this  matter  up ;  I  parted  from  him 
upon  the  well-justified  wish  of  our  dear  Mother." 
I  must  say  that  though  I'm  awfully,  awfully  fond  of 
Mother,  I  really  can't  imagine  having  her  as  a  friend. 
How  can  one  have  a  true  friendship  with  one's  own 
mother?  Dora  really  can't  have  the  least  idea  what  a 
true  friendship  means.  There  are  some  things  it's 
impossible  for  a  girl  to  speak  about  to  her  mother, 
I  could  not  possibly  ask  her:  Do  you  know  what, 
something  has  happened,  really  means?  Besides,  I'm 
not  quite  sure  if  she  does  know,  for  when  she  was  13 
or  15  or  16,  people  may  have  used  quite  different  ex- 
pressions, and  the  modern  phrases  very  likely  did  not 
then  mean  what  they  mean  now.  And  what  sort  of  a 
friendship  is  it  when  Mother  says  to  Dora:  You 
must  not  go  out  now,  the  storm  may  break  at  any 
moment,  and  just  the  other  evening:  Dora  you  must 
take  your  shawl  with  you.  Friendship  between 
mother  and  daughter  is  just  as  impossible  as  friend- 
ship between  father  and  son.  For  between  friends 
there  can  be  no  orders  and  forbiddings,  and  what's 
even  more  important  is  that  one  really  can't  talk  about 
all  the  things  that  one  would  like  to  talk  of.  All  I 
said  last  night  was :  "Of  course  Mother  has  forbidden 
you  to  talk  to  me  about  certain  things;  do  you  call 
that  a  friendship?  Then  she  said  very  gently:  "No, 
Rita,  Mother  has  not  forbidden  me,  but  I  recognise 
now  that  it  was  thoughtless  of  me  to  talk  to  you  about 
those  things;  one  learns  the  seriousness  of  life  quite 
soon  enough."  I  burst  out  laughing  and  said:  "Is 
that  what  you  call  the  seriousness  of  life?  Have  you 
really  forgotten  how  screamingly  funny  we  found  it 
all?  It  seemed  to  me  that  your  memory  has  been 
affected  by  the  mud  baths."    She  did  not  answer  that. 


THIRD  YEAR  151 

I  do  hope  Ada  will  come.  For  /  need  her  now  just 
as  much  as  she  needs  me. 

August  4th.  Glory  be  to  God,  Ada's  coming,  but 
not  directly  because  they  begin  their  family  washing 
on  the  5th  and  no  one  can  be  spared  to  come  over 
with  her  till  the  8th.  I  am  so  glad,  the  only  thing 
I'm  sorry  about  is  that  she  will  sleep  in  the  dressing- 
room  and  not  Dora.  But  Mother  says  that  Dora  and 
I  must  stay  together  and  that  Ada  can  leave  the  door 
into  the  dining-room  open  so  that  she  won't  feel  lonely. 

August  7  th.  The  days  are  so  frightfully  long. 
Dora  is  as  mild  and  gentle  as  a  nun,  but  she  talks 
to  me  just  as  little  as  a  nun,  and  she's  eternally  with 
Mother.  The  two  dachshunds  have  been  sold  to  some 
one  in  Neulengbach  and  so  it  is  so  horribly  dull. 
Thank  goodness  Ada  is  coming  to-morrow.  Father 
and  I  are  going  to  meet  her  at  the  station  at  6. 

August  8th.  Only  time  for  a  word  or  two.  Ada 
is  more  than  a  head  taller  than  I  am;  Father  said: 
Hullo  you  longshanks,  how  you  have  shot  up.  I 
suppose  I  must  treat  you  as  a  grown-up  young  lady 
now?  And  Ada  said:  Please,  Herr  Oberlandes- 
gerichtsrat;  please  treat  me  just  as  you  used  to;  I 
am  so  happy  to  have  come  to  stay  with  you."  And 
her  mother  said:  Yes,  unfortunately  she  is  happy 
anywhere  but  at  home;  "that  is  the  way  with  young 
people  to-day. }'  Father  helped  Ada  out  and  said: 
Frau  Haslinger,  the  sap  of  life  was  rising  in  us  once, 
but  it's  so  long  ago  that  we  have  forgotten."  And 
then  Frau  Dr.  H.  heaved  a  tremendous  sigh  as  if 
she  were  suffocating,  and  Ada  took  me  by  the  arm 
and  said  under  her  breath:  Can  you  imagine  what 
my  life  is  like  now?  Her  mother  is  staying  the  night 
here,  and  she  spent  the  whole  evening  lamenting  about 
everything  under  the  sun  (that's  what  Ada  told  me 


152  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

just  before  we  went  to  bed) ;  but  I  did  not  pay  much 
attention  to  what  Frau  H.  was  doing,  for  I'm  positively 
burning  with  curiosity  as  to  what  Ada  is  going  to 
talk  to  me  about.  To-morrow  morning,  directly  after 
breakfast ! 

August  12th.  For  3  days  I've  had  no  time  to 
write,  Ada  and  I  have  had  such  a  lot  to  say  to  one 
another.  She  can't  and  won't  live  any  longer  without 
art,  she  would  rather  die  than  give  up  her  plans.  She 
still  has  to  spend  a  year  at  a  continuation  school 
and  must  then  either  take  the  French  course  for  the 
state  examination  or  else  the  needlecraft  course. 
But  she  wants  to  do  all  this  in  Vienna,  so  that  in 
her  spare  time  she  can  study  for  the  stage  under  Herr 
G.  She  says  she  is  not  in  love  with  him  any  longer, 
that  he  is  only  a  weans  to  an  end.  She  would  sacrifice 
anything  to  reach  her  goal.  At  first  I  did  not  under- 
stand what  she  meant  by  anything,  but  she  explained 
to  me.  She  has  read  Bartsch's  novel  Elisabeth  Kott, 
the  book  Mother  has  too,  and  a  lot  of  other  novels 
about  artistic  life,  and  they  all  say  the  same  thing, 
that  a  woman  cannot  become  a  true  artist  until  she 
has  experienced  a  great  love.  There  may  be  something 
in  it.  For  certainly  a  great  love  does  make  one 
different;  I  saw  that  clearly  in  Dora;  when  she  was 
madly  in  love  with  Viktor,  and  the  way  she's  relapsed 
now!  !  She  is  learning  Latin  again,  to  make  up  for 
lost  time!  Ada  does  not  speak  to  her  about  her  plans 
because  Dora  lacks  true  insight!  Only  to-day  she 
mentioned  before  Dora  that  whatever  happened  she 
wanted  to  come  to  Vienna  in  the  autumn  so  that 
she  could  often  go  to  the  theatre.  And  Dora  said: 
You  are  making  a  mistake,  even  people  who  live  in 
Vienna  don't  go  to  the  theatre  often;  for  first  of  all 
one  has  very  little  time  to  spare,  and  secondly  one 


THIRD  YEAR  153 

often  can't  get  a  seat;  people  who  live  in  the  country 
often  fancy  that  everything  is  much  nicer  in  Vienna 
than  it  really  is. 

August  14th.  Just  a  word,  quickly.  To-day  when 
Ada  was  having  a  bath  Mother  said  to  us  two :  "Girls, 
I've  something  to  tell  you;  I  don't  want  you  to  get 
a  fright  in  the  night.  Ada's  mother  told  me  that 
Ada  is  very  nervous,  and  often  walks  in  her  sleep." 
"I  say,"  said  I,  "that's  frightfully  interesting,  she 
must  be  moonstruck;  I  suppose  it  always  happens 
when  the  moon  is  full."  Then  Mother  said:  "Tell 
me,  Gretel,  how  do  you  know  about  all  these  things? 
Has  Ada  talked  to  you  about  them?"  "No,"  said  I, 
"but  the  Frankes  had  a  maid  who  walked  in  her  sleep 
and  Berta  Franke  told  Hella  and  me  about  it."  It 
has  just  struck  me  that  Mother  said:  how  do  you 
know  about  all  these  things?  So  it  must  have  some- 
thing to  do  with  that.  I  wonder  whether  I  dare  ask 
Ada,  or  whether  she  would  be  offended.  I'm  fright- 
fully curious  to  see  whether  she  will  walk  in  her  sleep 
while  she  is  staying  here. 

August  15th.  Hella's  answer  came  to-day  to  what 
I  had  written  her  about  the  friendship  between 
Mother  and  Dora.  Of  course  she  does  not  believe 
either  that  that  is  why  Dora  bade  farewell  to  Viktor, 
for  it  is  no  reason  at  all.  Lizzi  has  never  had  any 
particular  friendship  with  her  mother,  and  Hella 
could  never  dream  of  anything  of  the  sort ;  she  thinks 
I'm  perfectly  right,  one  may  be  awfully  fond  of  one's 
parents,  but  there  simply  can't  be  any  question  of 
a  friendship.  She  would  not  stand  it  if  I  were  so 
changeable  in  my  friendships.  She  thinks  Dora  can 
never  have  had  a  true  friendship,  and  that  is  why 
she  has  taken  up  with  Mother  now.  The  Bruckners 
are  coming  back  on  the  19th  because  everything  is  so 


154  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

frightfully  expensive  in  Gastein.  After  that  most 
likely  they  will  go  to  stay  with  their  uncle  in  Hungary, 
or  else  to  Fieberbrunn  in  Tyrol.  For  Hella's  name 
day  I  have  sent  her  A  Bad  Boy's  Diary  because  she 
wanted  to  read  it  again.  Now  we  have  both  got  it, 
and  can  write  to  one  another  which  are  the  best  bits 
so  that  we  can  read  them  at  the  same  time. 

August  20th.  Last  night  Ada  really  did  walk  in 
her  sleep,  probably  we  should  never  have  noticed  it, 
but  she  began  to  recite  Joan  of  Arc's  speech  from 
The  Maid  of  Orleans,  and  Dora  recognised  it  at  once 
and  said:  "I  say,  Rita,  Ada  really  is  walking  in  her 
sleep."  We  did  not  stir,  and  she  went  into  the  dining- 
room,  but  the  dining-room  door  was  locked  and  the 
key  taken  away,  for  it  opens  directly  into  the  passage, 
and  then  she  knocked  up  against  Mother's  sofa  and 
that  woke  her  up.  It  was  horrible.  And  then  she 
lost  her  way  and  came  into  our  room  instead  of  going 
into  her  own;  but  she  was  already  awake  and  begged 
our  pardon  and  said  she'd  been  looking  for  the  W. 
Then  she  went  back  to  her  own  room.  Dora  said  we 
had  better  pretend  that  we  had  not  noticed  it,  for 
otherwise  we  should  upset  Ada.  Not  a  bit  of  it,  after 
breakfast  she  said:  "I  suppose  I  gave  you  an  awful 
fright  last  night;  don't  be  vexed  with  me,  I  often 
get  up  and  walk  about  at  night,  I  simply  can't  stay 
in  bed.  Mother  says  I  always  recite  when  I  am 
walking  like  that;  do  I?  Did  I  say  anything?" 
"Yes,"  I  said,  "you  recited  Joan  of  Arc's  speech." 
"Did  I  really,"  said  she,  "that  is  because  they  won't 
let  me  go  on  the  stage;  I'm  certain  I  shall  go  off  my 
head;  if  I  do,  you  will  know  the  real  reason  at  any 
rate."  This  sleep-walking  is  certainly  very  interest- 
ing, but  it  makes  me  feel  a  little  creepy  towards  Ada, 
and  it's  perfectly  true  what  Dora  has  always  said: 


THIRD  YEAR  155 

One  never  knows  what  Ada  is  really  looking  at.  It 
would  be  awful  if  she  were  really  to  go  off  her  head. 
I've  just  remembered  that  her  mother  was  once  in  an 
asylum.  I  do  hope  she  won't  go  mad  while  she  is 
staying  here. 

August  21st.  Mother  heard  it  too  the  night  before 
last.  She  is  so  glad  that  she  had  warned  us,  and 
Dora  says  that  if  she  had  not  known  it  beforehand 
she  wrould  probably  have  had  an  attack  of  palpitation. 
Father  said:  "Ada  is  thoroughly  histerical,  she  has 
inherited  it  from  her  mother."  In  the  autumn  Lizzi 
is  going  to  England  to  finish  her  education  and  will 
stay  there  a  whole  year.  Fond  as  I  am  of  Ada  and 
sorry  as  I  am  for  her,  she  makes  me  feel  uneasy  now, 
and  I'm  really  glad  that  she's  going  home  again  on 
Tuesday.  She  told  me  something  terrible  to-day: 
Alexander,  he  is  the  actor,  has  venereal  disease,  be- 
cause he  was  once  an  officer  in  the  army;  she  says 
that  all  officers  have  venereal  disease,  as  a  matter  of 
course.  At  first  I  did  not  want  to  show  that  I  did  not 
understand  exactly  what  she  meant,  but  then  I  asked 
her  and  Ada  told  me  that  what  was  really  amiss  was 
that  that  part  of  the  body  either  gets  continually 
smaller  and  smaller  and  is  quite  eaten  away,  or  else 
gets  continually  larger  because  it  is  so  frightfully 
swollen;  the  last  kind  is  much  better  than  the  other, 
for  then  an  operation  can  help ;  a  retired  colonel  who 
lives  in  H.  was  operated  upon  in  Vienna  for  this;  but 
it  did  not  cure  him.  There  is  only  one  real  cure  for 
a  man  with  a  venereal  disease,  that  a  young  girl  should 
give  herself  to  a  man  suffering  from  it !  (Mad.  often 
said  that  too),  then  she  gets  the  disease  and  he  is 
cured.  That  made  Ada  understand  that  she  did  not 
really  love  A.,  but  only  wanted  him  to  train  her;  for 
she  could  never  have  done  that  for  him,  and  she  did 


156  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

not  know  how  she  could  propose  that  to  him  even  if 
she  had  been  willing  to.  Besides,  it  is  generally  the 
man  concerned  who  asks  it  of  the  girl.  And  when  I 
said:  "But  just  imagine,  what  would  you  do  if  you 
got  a  baby  that  way,"  and  she  said:  "That  does  not 
come  into  the  question,  for  when  a  man  has  venereal 
disease  it  is  impossible  to  have  a  child  by  him.  But 
after  all,  only  a  woman  who  has  had  a  baby  can  be- 
come a  true  artist."  Franke,  who  has  a  cousin  on 
the  stage  said  something  of  the  same  sort  to  Hella 
and  me;  but  we  thought,  Franke's  cousin  is  only  in 
the  Wiener  Theatre,  and  that  might  be  true  there;  but 
it  may  be  quite  different  in  the  Burg  Theatre  and  in 
the  Opera  and  even  in  the  People's  Theatre.  I  told 
Ada  about  this,  and  she  said:  Oh,  well,  I'm  only  a 
girl  from  the  provinces,  but  I  have  known  for  ages 
that  every  actress  has  a  child. 

23rd.  Ada  really  is  a  born  artist,  to-day  she  read 
us  a  passage  from  a  splendid  novel,  but  oh,  how  won- 
derfully, even  Dora  said:  "Ada,  you  are  really  phe- 
nominal ! "  Then  she  flung  the  book  away  and  wept 
and  sobbed  frightfully  and  said:  "My  parents  are 
sinning  against  their  own  flesh  and  blood;  but  they 
will  rue  it.  Do  you  remember  what  the  old  gypsy 
woman  foretold  of  me  last  year:  "A  great  but  short 
career  after  many  difficult  struggles;  and  my  line  of 
life  is  broken!"  That  will  all  happen  as  predicted, 
and  my  mother  can  recite  that  lovely  poem  of  Freili- 
grath's  or  Anastasius  Griin's,  or  whosever  it  is  "Love 
as  long  as  thou  canst,  love  as  long  as  thou  mayst. 
The  hour  draws  on,  the  hour  draws  on,  when  thou 
shalt  stand  beside  the  grave  and  make  thy  moan." 
Then  Ada  recited  the  whole  poem,  and  when  I  went  to 
bed  I  kept  on  thinking  of  it  and  could  not  go  to  sleep. 

August  24th.    To-day  I  ventured  to  ask  Ada  about 


THIRD  YEAR  157 

the  sleep-walking,  and  she  said  that  it  was  really  so, 
when  she  walked  in  her  sleep  it  was  always  at  that 
time  and  when  the  moon  is  full.  The  first  time,  it  was 
last  year,  she  did  it  on  purpose  in  order  to  frighten 
her  mother,  when  her  mother  had  first  told  her  she 
would  not  be  allowed  to  go  on  the  stage.  It  does  not 
seem  to  me  a  very  clever  idea,  or  that  she  is  likely  to 
gain  anything  by  it.  The  day  after  to-morrow  some- 
one is  coming  to  fetch  her  home,  and  for  that  reason 
she  was  crying  all  the  morning. 

August  25th.  Hella  was  here  to-day  with  her 
mother  and  Lizzi.  Hella  had  a  splendid  time  in 
Gastein.  She  wanted  to  have  a  private  talk  with 
me,  to  tell  me  something  important.  That  made  it 
rather  inconvenient  that  Ada  was  still  there.  Hella 
never  gets  on  with  Ada,  and  she  says  too  that  one 
never  really  knows  what  she  is  looking  at,  she  al- 
ways looks  right  through  one.  We  could  not  get  a 
single  minute  alone  together  for  a  talk.  I  do  hope 
Hella  will  be  able  to  come  over  once  more  before  she 
goes  to  Hungary.  Last  week  they  went  to  Fieberbrunn 
in  Tyrol  because  an  old  friend  of  her  mother's  from 
Berlin  is  staying  there. 

August  26th.  Ada  went  home  to-day,  her  father 
came  to  fetch  her.  He  says  she  has  a  screw  loose, 
because  she  wants  to  go  on  the  stage. 

August  28th.  Hella  came  over  to-day;  she  was 
alone  and  I  met  her  at  the  steam  tram.  At  first  she 
did  not  want  to  tell  me  what  the  important  thing  was 
because  it  was  not  flattering  to  me,  but  at  last  she 
got  it  out.  The  Warths  were  in  Gastein,  and  since 
Hella  knows  Lisel  because  they  used  to  go  to  gym. 
together,  they  had  a  talk,  and  that  cheeky  Robert  said : 
Is  your  friend  still  such  a  baby  as  she  was  that  time 
in  er  .  .   .  er  .   .  .  ,  and  then  he  pretended  he  could 


158  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

not  remember  where  it  was ;  and  he  spoke  of  that  time 
as  if  it  had  been  10  years  ago.  But  the  most  impu- 
dent thing  of  all  was  this;  he  said  that  I  had  not 
wanted  to  call  him  Bob,  because  that  always  made  me 
think  of  a  certain  part  of  the  body;  I  never  said  any- 
thing of  the  kind,  but  only  that  I  thought  Bob  silly 
and  vulgar,  and  then  he  said  (it  was  before  we  got 
intimate) :  "Indeed,  Fraulein  Grete,  I  really  prefer 
that  you  should  use  my  full  name."  I  remember  it  as 
well  as  if  it  had  happened  this  morning,  and  I  know 
exactly  where  he  said  it,  on  the  way  to  the  Red  Cross. 
Hella  took  him  up  sharply:  That  may  be  all  quite 
true,  we  have  never  discussed  such  trifles,  and  at  that 
time  we  were  "all,  every  one  of  us,  still  nothing  but 

children."    Of  course  she  meant  to  include .    I 

won't  even  write  his  name.  Another  thing  that  made 
me  frightfully  angry  is  that  he  said :  I  dare  say  your 
friend  is  more  like  you  now,  but  at  that  time  she  was 
still  quite  undeveloped.  Hella  answered  him  curtly: 
"That's  not  the  sort  of  phrase  that  it's  seemly  to  use 
to  a  young  lady,"  and  she  would  not  speak  to  him  any 
more.  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing,  what  business  is 
it  of  his  whether  I  am  developed  or  not !  Hella  thinks 
that  I  was  not  quite  particular  enough  in  my  choice 
of  companions.  She  says  that  Bob  is  still  nothing  but 
a  Bub  [young  cub].  That  suits  him  perfectly,  Bob  — 
Bub ;  now  we  shall  never  call  him  anything  but  Bub ; 
that  is  if  we  ever  speak  of  him  at  all.  When  we  don't 
like  some  one  we  shall  call  him  simply  Bob,  or  better 
still  B.,  for  we  really  find  it  disagreeable  to  say  Bob. 
August  31st.  The  holidays  are  so  dull  this  year, 
Hella  has  gone  to  Hungary,  and  I  hardly  ever  talk 
to  Dora,  at  least  about  anything  interesting.  Ada's 
letters  are  full  of  nothing  but  my  promises  about 
Vienna.    It's  really  too  absurd,  I  never  promised  any- 


THIRD  YEAR  159 

thing,  I  merely  said  I  would  speak  to  Mother  about 
it  when  I  had  a  chance.  I  have  done  so  already,  but 
Mother  said:  There  can  be  no  question  of  anything 
of  the  kind. 

September  1  st.  Hullo,  Hurrah !  To-morrow  Hella's 
father  is  going  to  take  me  to  K —  M —  in  Hungary, 
to  stay  with  Hella.  I  am  so  awfully  delighted.  Hella 
is  an  angel.  When  she  was  ill  last  Christmas  her 
father  said:  She  can  ask  for  anything  she  likes. 
But  she  did  not  think  of  anything  in  particular,  and 
had  her  Christmas  wishes  anyhow,  so  she  saved  up 
this  wish.  And  after  she  had  been  here  she  wrote  to 
her  father  in  Cracow,  where  he  is  at  manoeuvres, 
saying  that  if  he  would  like  to  grant  her  her  chief 
wish,  then,  when  he  came  back  to  Vienna,  he  was  to 
take  me  with  him  to  K —  M — ;  this  was  really  the 
greatest  wish  she  had  ever  had  in  her  life !  So  Colonel 
Bruckner  called  at  Father's  office  to-day  and  showed 
him  Hella's  letter.  To-morrow  at  3  I  must  be  at  the 
State  Railway  terminus.  Unfortunately  that's  a  hor- 
rid railway.  The  Western  Railway  is  much  nicer,  and 
I  like  the  Southern  Railway  better  still. 

September  2nd.  I  am  awfully  excited;  I'm  going 
to  Vienna  alone  and  I  have  to  change  at  Liesing;  I 
do  hope  I  shall  get  into  the  right  train.  I  got  a  letter 
from  Hella  first  thing  this  morning,  in  which  she 
wrote:  ''Perhaps  we  shall  be  together  again  in  a  few 
days."  That's  all  she  said  about  that;  I  suppose  she 
did  not  know  yet  whether  I  was  really  coming.  Mother 
will  have  to  send  my  white  blouses  after  me,  because 
all  but  one  are  dirty.  I'm  going  to  wear  my  coat 
and  skirt  and  the  pink  blouse.  I'm  going  to  take 
twenty  pages  for  my  diary,  that  will  be  enough;  for 
I'm  going  to  write  whatever  happens,  in  the  morn- 
ings I  expect,  because  in  the  holidays  I'm  sure  Hella 


160  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

will  never  get  up  before  9 ;  on  Sundays  in  Vienna  she 
would  always  like  to  lie  in  bed  late,  but  her  father 
won't  let  her. 

But  whatever  happens  I  won't  learn  to  ride,  for  it 
must  be  awful  to  tumble  off  before  a  strange  man. 
It  was  different  for  Hella,  for  Jeno,  Lajos,  and 
Erno  are  her  cousins,  and  one  of  them  always  rode 
close  beside  her  with  his  arm  round  her  waist:  but 
that  would  not  quite  do  in  my  case. 

September  6th.  Oh  it  is  so  glorious  here.  I  like 
Jeno  best,  he  goes  about  with  me  everywhere  and 
shows  me  everything;  Hella  is  fondest  of  Lajos  and 
of  Erno  next.  But  Erno  has  still  a  great  deal  to  learn, 
for  he  was  nearly  flunked  in  his  exam.  Next  year 
Lajos  will  be  a  lieutenant,  and  this  autumn  Jeno  is 
going  to  the  military  academy,  Erno  has  a  slight  limp, 
nothing  bad,  but  he  can't  go  into  the  army;  he  is 
going  to  be  a  civil  engineer,  not  here,  he  is  to  go  to 
America  some  day. 

I  have  time  to  write  to-day,  for  all  4  of  them  have 
gone  to  S.  on  their  cycles  and  I  have  never  learned. 

It  was  lovely  on  the  journey!  It's  so  splendid  to 
travel  with  an  officer,  and  still  more  when  he  is  a 
colonel.  All  the  stationmasters  saluted  him  and  the 
guards  could  not  do  enough  to  show  their  respect. 
Of  course  everyone  thought  I  was  his  daughter,  for 
he  has  always  said  "Du"  to  me  since  I  was  quite 
a  little  girl.  But  to  Ada  Father  always  says  "Sie." 
We  left  the  train  at  Forgacs  or  Farkas,  or  whatever 
it  is  called,  and  Hella's  father  hired  a  carriage  and 
it  took  us  2  hours  to  drive  to  K —  M — .  He  was 
awfully  jolly.  We  had  our  supper  in  F.,  though  it 
was  only  Y?  past  6.  It  was  a  joke  to  see  all  the  wait- 
ers tumbling  over  each  other  to  serve  him.  It's  just 
the  same  with  Father,  except  that  the  stationmasters 


THIRD  YEAR  161 

don't  all  salute.  Father  looks  frightfully  distinguished 
too,  but  he  is  not  in  uniform. 

Here  is  something  awfully  interesting:  Herr  von 
Kraics  came  yesterday  from  Radufalva,  his  best  friend 
left  him  the  Radufalva  estate  out  of  gratitude,  because 
8  years  ago  he  gave  up  his  fiancee  with  whom  the 
friend  was  in  love.  It's  true,  Colonel  Bruckner  says 
that  K.  is  a  wretched  milksop;  but  I  don't  think  so 
at  all;  he  has  such  fiery  eyes,  and  looks  a  real  Hun- 
garian nobleman.  Hella  says  that  he  used  to  run 
himself  frantically  into  debt,  because  every  six  months 
he  had  an  intimacy  with  some  new  woman;  and  all 
the  presents  he  gave  reduced  him  almost  to  beggary. 
Still,  it's  difficult  to  believe  that,  for  however  fond  a 
woman  may  be  of  flowers  and  sweets,  one  does  not 
quite  see  why  that  should  reduce  anyone  to  beggary. 
Before  we  went  to  sleep  last  night  Hella  told  me  that 
Lajos  had  already  been  "infected"  more  or  less;  she 
says  there  is  not  an  officer  who  has  not  got  venereal 
disease  and  that  is  really  what  makes  them  so  fright- 
fully interesting.  Then  I  told  her  what  Ada  had  told 
me  about  the  actor  in  St.  P.  But  Hella  said :  I  doubt 
if  that's  all  true ;  of  course  it  is  more  likely  since  he 
was  an  actor,  and  especially  since  he  was  in  the  army 
at  one  time,  but  generally  speaking  civilians  are  won- 
derfully healthy!  !  !  And  she  could  not  stand  that  in 
her  husband.  Every  officer  has  lived  frantically; 
that's  a  polite  phrase  for  having  had  venereal  disease, 
and  she  would  never  marry  a  man  who  had  not  lived. 
Most  girls,  especially  when  they  get  a  little  older, 
want  the  very  opposite !  and  then  it  suddenly  occurred 
to  me  that  that  was  probably  the  real  reason  why 
Dora  bade  farewell  to  Lieutenant  R.,  and  not  the 
friendship  with  Mother;  it  is  really  awfully  funny, 
and  no  one  would  have  thought  it  of  her.     Hella's 


162  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

father  thinks  me  charming;  he  is  really  awfully  nice. 
Hella's  uncle  hardly  ever  says  anything,  and  when  he 
does  speak  he  is  difficult  to  understand ;  Hella's  father 
says  that  his  sister-in-law  wears  the  breeches.  That 
would  never  do  for  me;  the  man  must  be  the  master. 
"But  not  too  much  so"  says  Hella.  She  always  gets 
cross  when  her  father  says  that  about  wearing  breeches. 
I  got  an  awful  start  yesterday;  we  went  out  on  the 
veranda  because  we  heard  the  boys  talking,  and  found 
Hella's  great  uncle  lying  there  on  an  invalid  couch. 
She  told  me  about  him  once,  that  he's  quite  off  his 
head,  not  really  paralysed  but  only  pretends  to  be. 
Hella  is  terribly  afraid  of  him,  because  long  ago,  when 
she  was  only  9  or  10  years  old,  he  wanted  to  give  her 
a  thrashing.  But  her  uncle  came  in,  and  then  he  let 
her  go.  She  says  he  was  only  humbugging,  but  she  is 
awfully  afraid  of  him  all  the  same.  He  keeps  his 
room,  and  he  has  a  male  attendant,  because  no  nurse 
can  manage  him.  He  ought  really  to  be  in  an  asylum 
but  there  is  no  high  class  asylum  in  Hungary. 

September  9th.  There  was  a  frightful  rumpus 
this  morning;  the  great  uncle,  the  people  here  call 
him  "kutya  mog"  or  however  they  spell  it,  and  it 
means  mad  dog,  well,  the  great  uncle  spied  in  on  us. 
He  can  walk  with  a  stick,  our  room  is  on  the  ground 
floor,  and  he  came  and  planted  himself  in  front  of 
the  window  when  Hella  was  washing  and  I  was  just 
getting  out  of  bed.  Then  Hella's  father  came  and 
made  a  tremendous  row  and  the  uncle  swore  horribly 
in  Hungarian.  Before  dinner  we  overheard  Hella's 
father  say  to  Aunt  Olga:  "They  would  be  dainty 
morsels  for  that  old  swine,  those  innocent  children." 
We  did  laugh  so,  we  and  innocent  children! ! ! 
What  our  fathers  really  think  of  us ;  we  innocent !  !  ! 
At  dinner  we  did  not  dare  look  at  one  another  or 


THIRD  YEAR  163 

we  should  have  exploded.  Afterwards  Hella  said  to 
me :  I  say,  do  you  know  that  we  have  the  same  name 
day?"  And  when  I  said:  "What  do  you  mean,  it 
seems  to  me  you  must  have  gone  dotty  this  morning," 
she  laughed  like  anything  and  said:  "Don't  you  see, 
December  27th,  Holy  Innocents'  Day!"  Oh  it  did 
tickle  me.  She  knew  that  date  although  she's  a 
Protestant  because  December  27th  is  Marina's  birth- 
day, and  in  our  letters  we  used  to  speak  of  that  deceit- 
ful cat  as  "The  Innocent." 

The  three  boys  and  I  have  begun  to  use  "Du"  to 
one  another,  at  supper  yesterday  Hella's  father  said 
to  Erno:  "You  seem  frightfully  ceremonious  still, 
can't  you  make  up  your  minds  to  drop  the  "Sie?" 
So  we  clinked  glasses,  and  afterwards  when  Jeno  and 
I  were  standing  at  the  window  admiring  the  moon, 
he  said:  You  Margot,  that  was  not  a  real  pledge  of 
good-fellowship,  we  must  kiss  one  another  for  that; 
hurry  up,  before  anyone  comes,  and  before  I  could 
say  No  he  had  given  me  a  kiss.  After  all  it  was  all 
right  as  it  was  Jeno,  but  it  would  not  have  done  with 
Lajos,  for  it  would  have  been  horrid  because  of  Hella, 
or  Ilonka  as  they  call  her  here. 

Hella  has  just  told  me  that  they  saw  us  kissing 
one  another,  and  Lajos  said:  "Look  Ilonka,  they 
are  setting  us  a  good  example."  We  are  so  awfully 
happy  here.  It's  such  a  pity  that  on  the  16th  Jeno  and 
Lajos  have  got  to  leave  for  the  Academy,  where 
Jeno  is  to  enter  and  Lajos  is  in  his  third  year:  Erno, 
the  least  interesting  of  the  three,  is  staying  till  Octo- 
ber. But  that  is  always  the  way  of  life,  beautiful 
things  pass  and  the  dull  ones  remain.  We  go  out 
boating  every  day,  yesterday  and  to-day  by  moonlight. 
The  boys  make  the  boat  rock  so  frightfully  that  we 
are  always  terrified  that  it  will  upset.    And  then  they 


164  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

say:  "You  have  your  fate  in  your  own  hands;  buy 
your  freedom  and  you  will  be  as  safe  as  in  Abraham's 
bosom." 

September  12th.  The  great  uncle  hates  us  since 
what  happened  the  other  day;  whenever  he  sees  us 
he  threatens  us  with  his  stick,  and  though  we  are 
not  really  afraid,  because  he  can't  do  anything  to  us, 
still  it's  rather  creepy.  One  thinks  of  all  sorts  of 
things,  stories  and  sagas  one  has  read.  That  is  the 
only  thing  I  don't  quite  like  here.  But  we  are  leaving 
on  the  18th.  Of  course  Lajos  and  Jeno  will  often 
come  to  see  the  Bruckners;  I'm  awfully  glad.  I 
don't  know  why,  I  always  fancied  that  they  could 
only  speak  Magyar;  but  that  is  not  so  at  all,  though 
they  always  speak  it  at  home  when  they  are  alone. 
Hella  told  me  to-day  for  the  first  time  that  all  the 
flowers  on  the  table  by  her  bed  one  Sunday  in  hospital 
had  been  sent  by  Lajos;  and  she  did  not  wish  to  tell 
me  at  that  time  because  he  wished  her  to  keep  it  a 
secret.  This  has  made  me  rather  angry,  for  I  see 
that  I  have  been  much  franker  with  her  than  she  has 
been  with  me. 

September  16th.  The  boys  left  to-day,  and  we 
stayed  up  till  midnight  last  night.  We  had  been  to 
N  —  K  — ,  I  don't  know  how  to  spell  these  Hungarian 
names,  and  we  did  not  get  back  till  ^2  past  11.  It 
was  lovely.  But  it  seems  all  the  sadder  to-day,  espe- 
cially as  it  is  raining  as  well.  It's  the  first  time  it's 
rained  since  I  came.  Partings  are  horrid,  especially 
for  the  ones  left  behind;  the  others  are  going  to  new 
scenes  anyhow.  But  for  the  people  left  behind  every- 
thing is  hatefully  dull  and  quiet.  In  the  afternoon 
Hella  and  I  went  into  Jeno's  and  Lajos'  room,  it  had 
not  been  tidied  up  yet  and  was  in  a  frightful  mess. 
Then  Hella  suddenly  began  sobbing  violently,  and 


THIRD  YEAR  165 

she  flung  herself  on  Lajos'  bed  and  kissed  the  pillow. 
That  is  how  she  loves  him!  I'm  sure  that  is  the  way 
Mad.  loves  the  lieutenant,  but  Dora  is  simply  incapa- 
ble of  such  love,  and  then  she  can  talk  of  her  true  and 
intimate  friendship  with  Mother.  Hella  says  she  has 
always  been  in  love  with  Lajos,  but  that  her  eyes  were 
first  opened  when  she  saw  Jeno  and  me  going  about 
together  and  talking  to  one  another.  Now  she  will 
love  Lajos  for  evermore.  Next  year  they  will  probably 
get  engaged,  she  can't  be  engaged  till  she  is  14  for  her 
parents  would  not  allow  it.  It  is  for  her  sake  that 
he  is  going  into  the  Hussars  because  she  likes  the  Hus- 
sars best.  They  all  live  frightfully  hard,  and  are 
tremendously  smart. 

September  2 1st.  Since  Saturday  we  have  been  back 
in  Vienna,  and  Father,  Mother,  and  Dora  came  back 
from  Rodaun  on  Thursday.  Dora  really  is  too  funny; 
since  Ada  stayed  with  us  and  walked  in  her  sleep 
Dora  is  afraid  she  has  been  infected.  She  does  not 
seem  to  know  what  the  word  really  means !  And  while 
I  was  away  she  slept  with  Mother,  and  Father  slept 
in  our  room,  because  she  was  afraid  to  sleep  alone. 
Of  course  no  one  takes  to  walking  in  their  sleep  simply 
from  sleeping  alone,  but  that  was  only  a  pretext;  Dora 
has  never  been  very  courageous,  in  fact  she  is  rather  a 
coward,  and  she  was  simply  afraid  to  sleep  alone.  If 
Father  had  been  afraid  too,  I  suppose  I  should  have 
had  to  come  back  post-haste,  and  if  I  had  been  afraid 
to  travel  alone,  and  there  had  been  no  one  to  come  with 
me,  that  would  have  been  a  pretty  state  of  affairs.  I 
told  them  so.  Father  laughed  like  anything  at  my 
"combinations,"  and  Dora  got  in  a  frightful  wax. 
She  is  just  as  stupid  and  conceited  as  she  was  before 
she  fell  in  love.  So  Hella  is  right  when  she  says:  Love 
enobles  [veredelt].     Ernd  made  a  rotten  joke  about 


166  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

that  when  he  heard  Hella  say  it  once.  He  said: 
You've  made  a  slip  of  the  tongue,  you  meant  to  say: 
Love  makes  fools  of  people  [vereselt].  Of  course 
that's  because  he's  not  in  love  with  anyone. 

September  22nd.  School  began  again  to-day.  Frau 
Doktor  M.  is  perfectly  fascinating,  she  looks  splendid 
and  she  said  the  same  to  both  of  us.  Thank  goodness 
she's  the  head  of  our  class  again.  In  French  we  have 
a  new  mistress  Frau  Doktor  Dunker,  she  is  perfectly 
hideous,  covered  with  pimples,  a  thing  I  simply  can't 
stand  in  any  one;  Hella  says  we  must  be  careful  never 
to  let  her  handle  our  books ;  if  she  does  we  might  catch 
them.  In  Maths  and  Physics  we  have  another  new 
mistress,  she  is  a  Doktor  too,  and  she  speaks  so  fast 
that  none  of  us  can  understand  her;  but  she  looks 
frightfully  clever,  although  she  is  very  small.  We 
call  her  "Nutting"  because  she  has  such  a  tiny  little 
head  and  such  lovely  light-brown  eyes.  Otherwise  the 
staff  is  the  same  as  last  year,  and  there  are  a  few  new 
girls  and  some  have  left,  but  only  ones  we  did  not 
know  intimately.  This  is  Franke's  last  year  at  the 
Lyz.,  she  will  be  16  in  April  and  has  a  splendid  figure. 
Her  worst  enemy  must  admit  that.  Dora  is  having 
English  lessons  from  the  matron,  and  she  is  awfully 
pleased  about  it,  for  she  is  one  of  her  favourites  and 
it  will  help  her  too  in  her  matriculation. 

September  25th.  Yesterday  and  the  day  before 
Mother  was  so  ill  that  the  doctor  had  to  be  sent  for 
at  J/2  past  10  at  night.  Thank  goodness  she  is  better 
now.  But  on  such  days  I  simply  can't  write  a  word 
in  my  diary;  I  feel  as  if  I  oughtn't  to.  And  the  days 
seem  everlasting,  for  nobody  talks  much,  and  it's  awful 
at  mealtimes.  Mother  was  up  again  to-day,  lying  on 
the  sofa. 

September  29th.    I've  had  such  an  awful  toothache 


THIRD  YEAR  167 

since  the  day  before  yesterday.  Dora  says  it's  only 
an  ache  for  a  gold  filling  like  Frau  Doktor  M.'s.  Of 
course  that's  absurd;  for  first  of  all,  surely  I  ought 
to  know  whether  my  own  tooth  hurts  or  not,  and 
secondly  the  dentist  says  that  the  tooth  really  is  de- 
cayed. I  have  to  go  every  other  day  and  I  can't  say 
I  enjoy  it.  At  the  same  time,  this  year  we  have  such 
a  frightful  lot  to  learn  at  school.  The  Nutling  is 
really  very  nice,  if  one  could  only  understand  better 
what  she  says,  but  she  talks  at  such  a  rate  that  in  the 
Fifth,  where  she  teaches  too,  they  call  her  Waterfall. 
Nobody  has  ever  given  Frau  Doktor  M.  a  nickname, 
not  even  an  endearing  one.  The  only  one  that  could 
possibly  be  given  to  her  is  Angel,  and  that  could  not 
be  a  real  name,  it's  quite  unmeaning.  In  the  drawing 
class  we  are  going  to  draw  from  still  life,  and,  best 
of  all,  animal  studies  too,  I  am  so  delighted. 

October  4th.  Goodness,  to-day  when  we  were 
coming  home  from  the  Imperial  Festival,  we  met 
Viktor  in  M.  Street,  but  unfortunately  he  did  not  see 
us.  He  was  in  full-dress  uniform  and  was  walking 
with  3  other  officers  whom  neither  I  nor  Hella  know. 
We  were  frightfully  angry  because  he  did  not  recog- 
nise us ;  Hella  thinks  it  can  only  be  because  we  were 
both  wearing  our  big  new  autumn  hats,  which  shade 
our  faces  very  much. 

October  11th.  There  was  a  frightful  row  in  the 
drawing  lesson  to-day.  Borovsky  had  written  a  note 
to  one  of  her  friends:  The  little  Jewess,  F.  (that 
means  the  Nutling)  is  newly  imported  from  Scanda- 
lavia  with  her  horsehair  pate  with  or  without  inhabi- 
tants." Something  of  that  sort  was  what  she  had 
written  and  as  she  was  throwing  it  across  to  Fellner, 
Fraulein  Scholl  turned  round  at  that  very  moment 
and  seized  the  note.     "Who  is  F.?",  she  asked,  but 


168  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

no  one  answered.  That  made  her  furious  and  she  put 
the  note  in  her  pocket.  At  1  o'clock,  when  the  lesson 
was  over,  Borovsky  went  up  to  her  and  asked  her  for 
the  note.  Then  she  asked  once  more:  "Who  is  F.?" 
And  Fellner,  thinking  I  suppose  that  she  would  help 
Borovsky  out,  said:  "She  forgot  to  wrrite  Frau  Doktor 
Fuchs."  Then  the  row  began.  I  can't  write  it  all 
down,  it  would  take  too  long;  of  course  Borovsky  will 
be  expelled.  She  cried  like  anything  and  begged  and 
prayed,  and  said  she  did  not  mean  it,  but  Fraulein 
Scholl  says  she  is  going  to  give  the  letter  to  the  head. 

October  12th.  Continuation;  the  head  is  laid  up 
with  a  chill,  so  Frl.  Scholl  gave  the  note  to  Frau 
Doktor  M.;  that  was  both  good  and  bad.  Good  be- 
cause Borovsky  will  perhaps  be  able  to  stay  after  all, 
and  bad  because  Frau  Doktor  M.  was  frightfully 
angry.  She  gave  us  a  fine  lecture  about  True  Good 
Manners,  simply  splendid.  I  was  so  glad  that  I  was 
not  mixed  up  in  the  business,  for  she  did  give  Borov- 
sky and  Fellner  a  rating.  It's  probably  true,  then, 
that  her  own  fiance  is  a  Jew.  Its  horrible  that  she 
above  all  should  be  going  to  have  a  cruel  husband; 
at  least  if  all  that  Resi  told  us  is  true;  and  I  expect 
there  is  some  truth  in  it.  We  are  frightfully  curious 
to  know  whether  the  Nutling  has  heard  anything 
about  it  and  if  so  what  she  will  do. 

October  13th.  I  don't  think  the  Nutling  can  have 
heard  anything  for  she  seemed  just  as  usual;  but 
Hella  thinks  and  so  do  I  that  she  would  not  show 
anything  even  if  Frl.  Scholl  had  told  her;  anyhow 
it  was  horridly  vulgar;  one  is  not  likely  to  pass  it 
on  to  the  person  concerned.  Why  we  think  she  does 
not  know  anything  is  that  neither  Borovsky  nor  Fellner 
were  called  up. 

October  14th.     To-day  the  needlewoman  brought 


THIRD  YEAR  169 

Dora's  handkerchiefs  with  her  monogram  and  the 
coronet,  lovely;  I  want  some  like  them  for  Christmas. 
And  for  Mother  she  has  embroidered  six  pillow-cases, 
these  have  a  coronet  too ;  by  degrees  we  shall  have  the 
coronet  upon  everything.  By  the  way,  here  is  some- 
thing I'd  forgotten  to  write:  In  one  of  the  first  days 
of  term  Father  gave  each  of  us  one  of  his  new  visiting 
cards  with  the  new  title,  I  was  to  give  mine  to  Frau 
Doktor  M.  and  Dora  hers  to  Frau  Prof.  Kreidl,  to 
have  the  names  properly  entered  in  the  class  lists. 
Frau  Prof.  Kreidl  did  not  say  anything,  but  Frau 
Doktor  M.  was  awfully  sweet.  She  said:  "Well, 
Lainer,  I  suppose  you  are  greatly  pleased  at  this  rise 
in  rank?"  And  I  said:  "Oh  yes,  I'm  awfully  de- 
lighted, but  only  inside,"  then  she  said:  That's  right; 
"Religion,  name,  and  money  do  not  make  the  man." 
Was  not  that  charming !  I  write  the  v  before  my  name 
awfully  small;  but  anyone  who  knows  can  see  it. 
What  a  shame  that  she  is  not  noble!  She  would  be 
worthy  of  it ! ! 

October  15th.  Oswald  has  gone  to  Leoben  to-day, 
he  is  to  study  mining,  but  against  Father's  will.  But 
Father  says  that  no  one  must  be  forced  into  a  profes- 
sion, for  if  he  is  he  will  always  say  throughout  life 
that  he  only  became  this  or  that  on  compulsion.  The 
other  evening  Dora  said  that  Oswald  had  only  chosen 
mining  in  order  to  get  away  from  home;  if  he  were  to 
study  law  or  agricultural  chemistry  he  could  not  get 
away  from  Vienna,  and  that  is  the  chief  thing  to  him. 
Besides,  he  is  a  bit  of  a  humbug;  for  when  he  came 
home  from  Graz  after  matriculation  he  said  in  so  many 
words:  "How  delightful  to  have  one's  legs  under  one's 
own  table  again  and  to  breathe  the  family  atmosphere." 
Dora  promptly  said  to  him:  "Hm,  you  don't  seem 
to  care  so  very  much  about  home,  for  always  when 


170  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

you  come  home  for  the  holidays  the  first  thing  you 
do  is  to  make  plans  for  getting  away."  For  she  is 
annoyed  too  that  Oswald  can  travel  about  wherever 
he  likes.  And  yet  he  goes  on  talking  about  being 
"subjected  to  intolerable  supervision" ! !  What  about 
us?  He  can  stay  out  until  10  at  night  and  never 
comes  to  afternoon  tea,  and  in  fact  does  just  what  he 
likes.  If  I  go  to  supper  with  Hella  and  am  just  ever 
so  little  late,  there's  a  fine  row.  As  for  the  lectures 
poor  Dora  had  to  endure  when  Viktor  was  waiting  for 
her,  I  shall  never  forget  them.  Of  course  she  denies 
it  all  now,  but  I  was  present  at  some  of  them  so  I 
know;  otherwise  he  would  not  have  called  me  "the 
Guardian  Angel."  She  behaves  now  as  if  she  had 
forgotten  all  about  that,  so  I  often  remind  her  of  it 
on  purpose  when  we  are  alone  together.  The  other 
day  she  said:  "I  do  beg  you,  Grete  (not  Rita),  don't 
speak  any  more  of  that  matter;  I  have  buried  the 
affair  for  ever."  And  when  I  said:  "Buried,  what 
do  you  mean?  A  true  love  can't  simply  be  buried 
like  that,"  she  said :  "It  was  not  a  true  love,  and  that's 
all  there  is  to  say  about  it." 

October  16th.  I  had  a  frantically  anxious  time  in 
the  arithmetic  lesson  to-day.  All  of  a  sudden  Hella 
flushed  dark  red  and  I  thought  to  myself:  Aha,  that's 
it!  And  I  wrote  to  her  on  my  black-line  paper:  Has 
it  begun???  for  we  had  agreed  that  she  would  tell  me 
directly,  she  will  be  14  in  February  and  it  will  cer- 
tainly begin  soon.  Frau  Doktor  F.  said:  Lainer, 
what  was  that  you  pushed  over  to  Br.  ?  and  she  came 
up  to  the  desk  and  took  the  black-line  paper.  "What 
does  that  mean:  Has  it  begun???"  Perhaps  she 
really  did  not  know  what  I  meant,  but  several  of  the 
girls  who  knew  about  it  too  laughed,  and  I  was  in 
a  terrible  fright.     But  Hella  was  simply  splendid. 


THIRD  YEAR  171 

"Excuse  me,  Frau  Doktor,  Rita  asked  whether  the 
frost  had  begun  yet."  "And  that's  the  way  you  spend 
your  time  in  the  mathematics  lesson?"  But  thank 
goodness  that  made  things  all  right.  Only  in  the 
interval  Hella  said  that  really  I  am  inconceivably 
stupid  sometimes.  What  on  earth  did  I  want  to  write 
a  thing  like  that  for?  When  it  begins,  of  course 
she  will  let  me  know  directly.  As  a  matter  of  fact  it 
has  not  begun  yet.  We  have  agreed  now  that  it  will 
be  better  to  say  "Endt,"  a  sort  of  portmanteau  word 
of  developed  [entwickelt]  and  at  last  [endlich].  That 
will  really  be  splendid  and  Hella  says  that  I  happened 
upon  it  in  a  lucid  interval.  It's  really  rather  cheeky 
of  her,  but  after  all  one  can  forgive  anything  to  one's 
friend.  She  absolutely  insists  that  I  must  never  again 
put  her  in  such  a  fix  in  class.  Of  course  it  happened 
because  I  am  always  thinking:  Now  then,  this  is  the 
day. 

November  8th.  On  Father's  and  Dora's  birthday 
Mother  was  so  ill  that  we  did  not  keep  it  at  all.  I 
was  in  a  terrible  fright  that  Mother  was  seriously 

ill,  or  even  that No,  I  won't  even 

think  it;  one  simply  must  not  write  it  down  even 
if  one  is  not  superstitious.  Aunt  Dora  came  last  week 
to  keep  house  for  Mother.  We  are  not  going  skating, 
for  we  are  always  afraid  that  Mother  might  get  worse 
just  when  we  are  away.  As  soon  as  she  is  able  to 
get  up  for  long  enough  Father  is  going  to  take  her  to 
see  a  specialist  in  the  diseases  of  women;  so  it  must 
be  true  that  Mother's  illness  comes  from  that. 

November  16th.  Oh  it's  horrible,  Mother  has  to 
have  an  operation;  I'm  so  miserable  that  I  can't 
write. 

November  19th.  Mother  is  so  good  and  dear;  she 
wants  us  to  go  skating  to  take  our  thoughts  off  the 


172  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

operation.  But  Dora  says  too  that  it  would  be  brutal 
to  go  skating  when  Mother  is  going  to  have  an  opera- 
tion in  a  few  days.  Father  said  to  us  yesterday 
evening:  "Pull  yourselves  together  children,  set  your 
teeth  and  don't  make  things  harder  for  your  poor 
Mother."  But  I  can't  help  it,  I  cry  whenever  I  look 
at  Mother. 

November  23rd.  It  is  so  dismal  at  home  since 
Mother  went  away;  we  had  to  go  to  school  and  we 
believed  she  would  not  leave  until  the  afternoon,  but 
the  carriage  came  in  the  morning.  Dora  says  that 
Father  had  arranged  all  that  because  I  could  not  con- 
trol myself.  Well,  who  could?  Dora  cries  all  day; 
and  at  school  I  cried  a  lot  and  so  did  Hella. 

November  28th.  Thank  goodness,  it's  all  safely 
over,  Mother  will  be  home  again  in  a  fortnight.  I'm 
so  happy  and  only  now  can  I  realise  how  horribly 
anxious  I  have  been.  We  go  every  day  to  see  Mother 
at  the  hospital ;  I  wish  I  could  go  alone,  but  we  always 
go  all  together,  that  is  either  with  Father  or  with 
Aunt  Dora.  But  I  suspect  that  Dora  does  go  to  see 
Mother  quite  alone,  she  gave  herself  away  to-day 
about  the  flowers,  she  behaves  as  if  Mother  were  only 
her  mother.  On  Thursday,  the  first  time  we  saw 
Mother,  we  all  whispered,  and  Mother  cried,  although 
the  operation  had  made  her  quite  well  again.  Un- 
fortunately yesterday,  Aunt  Alma  was  there  when  we 
were,  and  Father  said  that  seeing  so  many  people 
at  once  was  too  exciting  for  Mother,  and  we  must 
go  away.  Of  course  he  really  meant  that  Aunt  Alma 
and  Marina  had  better  go  away,  but  Aunt  did  not 
understand  or  would  not.  Why  on  earth  did  Aunt 
come?  We  hardly  ever  meet  since  the  trouble  about 
Marina  and  that  jackanapes  Erwin;  only  when  there 
is   a  family  party;   Oswald  says  it's  not  a  family 


THIRD  YEAR  173 

gathering  but  a  family  dispersal  because  nearly  always 
some  one  takes  offence. 

November  30th.  To-day  I  managed  to  be  alone 
with  Mother.  At  school  I  said  I  had  an  awfully  bad 
headache  and  asked  if  I  might  go  home  before  the 
French  lesson;  I  really  had.  What  I  told  Mother 
was  that  Frau  Doktor  Dunker  was  ill,  so  we  had  no 
lesson.  Really  one  ought  not  to  tell  lies  to  an  invalid, 
but  this  was  a  pious  fraud  as  Hella's  mother  always 
calls  anything  of  the  sort,  and  no  one  will  find  out, 
because  Frau  Doktor  Dunker  has  nothing  to  do  with 
the  Fourth,  so  Dora  won't  hear  anything  about  it. 
Mother  said  she  was  awfully  pleased  to  be  able  to  see 
me  alone  for  once.  That  absolutely  proves  that  Dora 
does  go  alone.  Mother  was  so  sweet,  and  Sister  Klara 
said  she  was  a  perfect  angel  in  goodness  and  patience. 
Then  I  burst  out  crying  and  Mother  had  to  soothe  me. 
At  first,  after  I  got  home,  I  did  not  want  to  say  any- 
thing about  it,  but  when  we  were  putting  on  our  things 
after  dinner  to  go  and  see  Mother  I  said  en  passant 
as  it  were:  "This  is  the  second  time  I  shall  be  seeing 
Mother  to-day."  And  when  Dora  said:  What  do 
you  mean?  I  said  quite  curtly:  "One  of  our  lessons 
did  not  come  off,  and  so  I  took  the  chance  too  of  being 
able  to  see  Mother  alone."  Then  she  said:  Did  the 
porter  let  you  in  without  any  trouble?  It  surprises 
me  very  much  that  such  very  young  girls,  who  are 
almost  children  still,  are  allowed  to  go  in  alone. 
Luckily  Aunt  came  in  at  that  moment  and  said:  "Oh 
well,  nobody  thinks  Gretl  quite  a  child  now,  and  both 
of  you  can  go  alone  to  the  hospital  all  right."  On  the 
way  we  did  not  speak  to  one  another. 

December  5th.  For  St.  Nicholas  day  we  took 
Mother  a  big  flower  pot,  and  tied  to  the  stick  was  a 
label  on  which  Father  had  written;    "Being  ill  is 


174  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

punishable  as  an  impermissible  offence  in  the  sense 
of  §  7  the  Mothers'  and  Housewives'  Act."  Mother 
was  frightfully  amused.  The  doctor  says  she  is  going 
on  nicely,  and  that  she  will  be  able  to  come  home  in 
a  few  days. 

December  6th.  It  was  awful  to-day.  In  the 
evening  when  we  were  leaving  the  dining-room  Father 
said:  "Gretl  you  have  forgotten  something.  And 
when  I  came  back  he  took  me  by  the  hand  and  said: 
"Why  didn't  you  tell  me  that  you  want  so  much  to 
see  Mother  alone?  You  need  not  make  such  a  secret 
of  it."  And  then  I  burst  out  crying  and  said:  "Yes, 
I  need  not  keep  it  secret  from  you,  but  I  don't  like 
Dora  to  know  all  about  it.  Did  she  tell  you  what 
happened  the  other  day?"  But  Father  does  not  know 
anything  about  my  pretended  headache,  but  only  that 
I  wanted  so  much  to  see  Mother  alone.  He  was 
awfully  kind  and  kissed  and  petted  me,  saying: 
"You  are  a  dear  little  thing,  little  witch,  I  hope  you 
always  will  be."  But  I  got  away  as  quick  as  I  could, 
for  I  felt  so  ashamed  because  of  my  fibbing.  If  it 
were  not  for  Dora  I'm  sure  I  should  never  tell  any 
lies. 

December  6th.  Father  is  an  angel.  He  and  I  went 
to  see  Mother  in  the  morning,  and  Aunt  and  Dora 
went  in  the  afternoon.  And  since  Father  had  to  go 
into  the  Cafe  where  he  had  an  appointment  with  a 
friend,  I  went  on  alone  to  see  Mother  and  he  came  in 
afterwards.  Mother  asked  me  about  my  Christmas 
wishes;  but  I  told  her  I  had  only  one  wish,  that  she 
should  get  well  and  live  for  ever.  I  was  awfully  glad 
that  Dora  was  not  there,  for  I  could  never  have  got 
that  out  before  her.  Still,  she  made  me  tell  her  my 
wishes  after  all,  so  I  said  I  wanted  handerkerchiefs 
with  "monogram  and  coronet,"  visiting  cards  with  von, 


THIRD  YEAR  175 

a  satchel  like  that  which  most  of  the  girls  in  the  higher 
classes  have,  and  the  novel  Elizabeth  Kott.  But  I  am 
not  to  have  the  novel,  for  Mother  was  horrified  and 
said:  My  darling  child,  that's  not  the  sort  of  book  for 
you;  who  on  earth  put  that  into  your  head;  Ada,  I 
suppose?  From  what  I  know  of  your  tastes,  it  really 
would  not  suit  you  at  all.  So  I  had  to  give  that  up, 
but  I'm  certain  I  should  not  find  the  book  stupid. 

December  11th.  Mother  came  home  again  to-day; 
we  did  not  know  what  time  she  was  coming,  but  only 
that  it  was  to  be  to-day.  And  because  I  was  so  glad 
that  Mother  is  quite  well  again,  I  sang  two  or  three 
songs,  and  Mother  said:  That  is  a  good  omen  when 
one  is  greeted  with  a  song.  Then  Dora  was  annoyed 
because  she  had  not  thought  of  singing.  We  had 
decorated  the  whole  house  with  flowers. 

December  15th.  I  am  embroidering  a  cushion  for 
Mother  and  Dora  is  making  her  a  footstool  so  that 
she  can  sit  quite  comfortably  when  she  is  reading. 
For  Father  we  have  bought  a  new  brief  bag  because 
his  own  is  so  shabby  that  it  makes  us  quite  ashamed ; 
but  he  always  says:  "It  will  do  for  a  good  while  yet." 
For  a  long  time  I  did  not  know  what  to  get  for  Aunt 
Dora,  and  at  length  we  have  decided  upon  a  lace 
fichu;  for  she  is  awfully  fond  of  lace.  I  am  giving 
Hella  a  sketch  book  and  a  pencil  case;  she  draws 
beautifully  and  will  perhaps  become  an  artist,  for  Dora 
I  am  getting  a  vanity  bag  and  for  Oswald  a  cigarette 
case  with  a  horse's  head  on  it,  for  he  is  frightfully 
taken  up  with  racing  and  the  turf. 

December  16th.  Owing  to  Mother's  illness  I've 
had  simply  no  time  to  write  anything  about  the  school, 
although  there  has  been  a  great  deal  to  write  about, 
for  example  that  Prof.  W.  is  very  friendly  again, 
although  he  no  longer  gives  us  lessons,  and  that  most 


176  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

of  the  girls  can't  bear  the  Nutling  because  she  makes 
such  favourites  of  the  Jewish  girls.  It's  quite  true 
that  she  does,  for  example  Franke,  who  is  never  any 
good,  will  probably  get  a  Praiseworthy  in  Maths  and 
Physics;  and  she  lets  Weinberger  do  anything  she 
likes.  I  always  get  Excellent  both  for  school  work 
and  prep.;  so  it  really  does  not  matter  to  me,  but 
Berbenowitsch  is  frightfully  put  out  because  she  is 
no  longer  the  favourite  as  she  was  with  Frau  Doktor 
St.  The  other  day  it  was  quite  unpleasant  in  the 
Maths  lesson.  In  the  answer  to  a  sum  there  happened 
to  be  1-3,  and  then  the  Nutling  asked  what  1-3  would 
be  as  a  decimal  fraction ;  so  we  wrent  on  talking  about 
recurring  [periodic]  decimals  and  every  time  she  used 
the  word  period,  some  of  the  girls  giggled,  but  luckily 
some  of  them  were  Jews,  and  she  got  perfectly  savage 
and  simply  screamed  at  us.  In  Frau  Doktor  St's 
lesson  in  the  First,  some  of  the  girls  giggled  at  the 
same  thing  and  she  went  on  just  as  if  she  had  not 
noticed  it,  but  afterwards  she  always  spoke  of  periodic 
places,  and  then  one  does  not  think  of  the  real  meaning 
so  much.  Frau  Doktor  F.  said  she  should  complain 
to  Frau  Doktor  M.  about  our  unseemly  behaviour. 
But  really  all  the  girls  had  not  giggled,  for  ex.  Hella 
and  I  simply  exchanged  glances  and  understood  one 
another  at  once.  I  can't  endure  that  idiotic  giggling. 
December  20th.  Oswald  came  home  to-day;  he's 
fine.  It's  quite  true  that  he  has  really  had  a  moustache 
for  a  long  time,  but  was  not  allowed  to  grow  it  at  the 
Gymnasium;  in  boarding  schools  the  barber  comes 
every  Saturday,  and  they  have  to  be  shaved.  He 
always  says  that  at  the  Gymnasium  everything  manly 
is  simply  suppressed.  I  am  so  glad  I  am  not  a  man 
and  need  not  go  to  Gymnasium.  Anyhow  he  has  a 
splendid  moustache  now.     Hella  did  not  recognise 


THIRD  YEAR  177 

him  at  first  and  drew  back  in  alarm,  she  only  knew 
him  after  a  moment  by  his  voice.  We  have  reckoned 
it  up,  and  find  that  she  has  not  seen  him  since  the 
Easter  before  last.  At  first  he  called  her  Fr'aulein, 
but  her  mother  said:  Don't  be  silly.  It  did  not  seem 
silly  to  me,  but  most  polite !   !  ! 

December  23rd.  Mother  is  so  delighted  that  Oswald 
is  home  again  and  he  really  is  awfully  nice;  he  is 
giving  her  a  wonderful  flowers-of-iron  group  repre- 
senting a  mountain  scene  with  a  forest,  and  in  the  fore- 
ground some  roe  deer  as  if  in  a  pasture. 

December  25th.  Only  time  for  a  few  words.  Mother 
was  very  well  yesterday,  and  it  has  not  done  her  any 
harm  to  stay  up  so  long.  I  am  so  happy.  We  both 
got  a  tie  pin  with  a  sapphire  and  3  little  diamonds, 
they  have  been  made  out  of  some  earrings  which 
Mother  never  wears  now.  But  the  nice  thing  about 
it  is  that  they  are  made  from  her  earrings.  The  satchel 
and  Stifter's  Tales  are  awfully  nice  and  so  are  the 
handkerchiefs  with  the  coronet  and  everything  else. 
Hella  gave  me  a  reticule  with  my  monogram  and  the 
coronet  as  well.  Oswald  has  given  Dora  and  me 
small  paperweights  and  Father  a  big  one,  bronze 
groups.  We  really  need  two  writing  tables,  but  there 
is  no  room  for  two.  So  I  am  going  to  arrange  the 
little  corner  table  as  my  writing  table  and  have  all 
my  things  there. 

December  27th.  At  the  Bruckners  yesterday  it 
was  really  awful.  Hella's  mother  is  perfectly  right; 
when  anyone  looks  like  that  she  ought  not  to  pay 
visits  when  she  knows  that  other  people  may  be  there. 
Hella  told  me  the  day  before  yesterday  how  frightfully 
noticeable  it  is  in  her  cousin  that  she  is  in  an  i —  c — ! 
Her  mother  was  very  much  put  out  on  her  account 
and  she  wanted  to  prevent  Emmy's  standing  up.    We 


178  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

were  simply  disgusted  and  horrified.  But  her  husband 
is  awfully  gentle  with  her ;  She  is  certainly  not  pretty 
and  especially  the  pumness  under  her  eyes  is  horrid. 
They  say  that  many  women  look  like  that  when  they 
are  pr.  She  was  wearing  a  maternity  dress,  and  that 
gives  the  whole  show  away!  Hella  says  that  some 
women  look  awfully  pretty  when  they  are  in  an 
i —  c — ,  but  that  some  look  hideous.  I  do  hope  I 
shall  be  one  of  the  first  kind,  if  I  ever  .  .  .  No,  it 
is  really  horrible,  even  if  it  makes  one  pretty;  when  I 
think  of  Frau  von  Baldner  and  what  she  looked  like 
last  summer,  yet  Father  has  always  said  she  is  a 
a  perfect  beauty.  Really  no  one  is  pretty  in  an 
i —  c — .  Soon  after  tea  Hella  and  I  went  up  to 
her  room,  and  she  said  it  had  really  been  too  much 
for  her  and  that  she  could  not  have  stood  it  much 
longer.  And  we  went  on  talking  about  it  for  such  a 
long  time,  that  it  really  made  both  of  us  nearly  ill. 
On  Sunday  Emmy  and  her  husband  are  coming  to 
dine  with  the  Brs.,  and  Hella  begged  me  to  ask  her  to 
dinner  with  us,  or  she  would  be  quite  upset.  So  of 
course  she  is  coming  here  and  thank  goodness  that 
will  save  her  from  feeling  ill.  And  then  she  said  that 
I  must  not  think  she  wanted  to  come  to  us  because  of 
Oswald,  but  only  for  that  other  reason.  I  understand 
that  perfectly  well,  and  she  does  not  need  to  make  any 
excuses  to  me. 

29th.  Hella  came  to  dinner  to-day,  she  was  wearing 
a  new  dress,  a  light  strawberry  colour,  and  it  suited 
her  admirably.  In  the  evening  Oswald  said:  "two 
or  three  years  more,  and  Hella  will  look  ripping." 
It  does  annoy  me  so  this  continual  will.  Hella's 
father  simply  said  of  me  that  I  was  charming,,  and  not 
that  idiotic:  I  was  going  to  become  charming.  I  do 
hate  the  way  people  always  talk  out  into  the  future. 


THIRD  YEAR  179 

However,  Oswald  paid  Hella  a  great  deal  of  attention. 
In  the  afternoon,  when  Hella  and  I  were  talking  about 
him,  I  wanted  to  turn  the  conversation  to  Lajos,  but 
she  flushed  up  and  said  he  was  utterly  false,  for  since 
October  he  had  only  been  to  see  them  once,  on  a  Sun- 
day, just  when  they  were  going  to  the  theatre.  Of 
course  he  says  he  does  not  care  a  jot  about  the  visits 
unless  he  can  see  her  alone.  She  can't  realise  that 
that  shows  the  greatness  of  his  love.  I  understand  it 
perfectly.  But  it  is  really  monstrous  that  Jeno  has 
asked  after  me  only  once,  quite  casually.  And  he 
really  might  have  sent  me  a  card  at  Christmas.  But 
that's  what  young  men  are  like.  The  proverb  really 
applies  to  them :     Out  of  sight  out  of  mind. 

December  30th.  Frau  Richter  called  to-day,  but 
only  in  the  morning  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour.  Not 
a  word  was  said  about  Viktor,  though  I  stayed  in 
the  drawing-room  on  purpose.  Dora  did  not  put  in 
an  appearance,  though  I'm  sure  she  was  at  home. 
He  is  extraordinarily  like  his  mother,  he  has  the  same 
lovely  straight  nose,  and  the  small  mouth  and  well- 
cut  lips;  but  he  is  very  tall  and  she  is  quite  small, 
half  a  head  shorter  than  Mother.  We  owe  them  a 
call,  but  I  don't  much  think  that  we  shall  go. 

December  31st.  I  really  have  no  time,  since  this  is 
New  Year's  Eve,  but  I  simply  must  write.  Dora  and 
I  went  skating  this  morning,  and  we  met  Viktor  on 
the  ice;  he  went  frightfully  pale,  saluted,  and  spoke 
to  us;  Dora  wished  to  pass  on,  but  he  detained  her 
and  said  that  she  must  allow  him  to  have  a  talk,  so 
he  came  skating  with  us  since  she  would  not  go  to 
a  confectioner's  with  him.  She  was  certainly  quite 
right  not  to  go  to  a  confectioner's.  Of  course  I  don't 
know  what  they  talked  about,  but  in  the  afternoon 
Dora  cried  frightfully,  and  Viktor  never  said  good-bye 


180  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

to  me;  it's  impossible  that  he  can  have  forgotten,  so 
either  I  must  have  been  too  far  away  at  the  time,  or 
else  Dora  did  not  want  him  to;  most  likely  the  latter. 
I'm  frantically  sorry  for  him,  for  he  is  passionately 
in  love  with  her.  But  she  won't  come  to  her  senses 
until  it  is  too  late.  I  don't  think  she  has  said  a  word 
to  Mother  either.  But  all  the  afternoon  she  was  play- 
ing melancholy  music,  and  that  shows  how  much  she 
had  felt  it. 

January  2nd.  Yesterday  I  had  no  time  to  write 
because  we  had  callers,  pretty  dull  for  the  most  part, 
the  Listes  and  the  Trobisches;  Julie  Tr.  is  such  a 
stupid  creature,  and  I  don't  believe  she  knows  the 
first  thing  about  those  matters;  Annie  is  not  quite 
all  there,  Lotte  is  the  only  tolerable  one.  Still,  since 
we  played  round  games  for  prizes,  it  was  not  as  dull 
as  it  might  have  been,  and  Fritz  and  Rudl  are  quite 
nice  boys.  In  the  evening  Mother  was  so  tired  out 
that  Father  said  he  really  must  put  a  stop  to  all  this 
calling;  I  can't  say  I  care  much  myself  for  that  sort 
of  visits,  especially  since  Dora  always  will  talk  about 
books.  People  always  talk  about  such  frightfully  dull 
books  whenever  they  have  nothing  else  to  say.  School 
began  again  to-day,  with  a  German  lesson  thank  good- 
ness. Though  I'm  not  superstitious  in  general,  I  must 
say  I  do  like  a  good  beginning.  Besides,  first  thing 
in  the  morning  we  met  two  chimneysweeps,  and  with- 
out our  having  tried  to  arrange  it  in  any  way  they 
passed  us  on  our  left.    That  ought  to  bring  good  luck. 

January  5th.  Most  important,  Hella  since  yester- 
day evening !     She  did  not  come  to  school 

yesterday,  for  the  day  before  she  felt  frightfully  bad, 
and  her  mother  really  began  to  think  she  was  going 
to  have  another  attack  of  appendicitis.  Instead  of 
that!  !  !     She  looks  so  ill  and  interesting,  I  spent  the 


THIRD  YEAR  181 

whole  afternoon  and  evening  with  her;  and  at  first 
she  did  not  want  to  tell  me  what  was  the  matter. 
But  when  I  said  I  should  go  away  if  she  did  not  tell 
me,  she  said:  "All  right,  but  you  must  not  make 
such  idiotic  faces,  and  above  all  you  must  not  look 
at  me."  "Very  well,"  I  said,  "I  won't  look,  but  tell 
me  everything  about  it."  So  then  she  told  me  that  she 
had  felt  frantically  bad,  as  if  she  was  being  cut  in 
two,  much  worse  than  after  the  appendicitis  operation, 
and  then  she  had  frantically  high  fever  and  shivered 

at  the  same  time,  all  Friday,  and  yesterday 

tableau! !  And  then  her  mother  told  her  the  chief 
things,  though  she  knew  them  already.  Earlier  on 
Friday  the  doctor  had  said:  "Don't  let  us  be  in  a 
hurry  to  think  about  a  relapse,  there  may  be  other!  ! 
causes."  And  then  he  whispered  to  her  mother, 
but  Hella  caught  the  word  enlighten.  Then  she  knew 
directly  what  time  of  day  it  was.  She  acted  the  inno- 
cent to  her  mother,  as  if  she  knew  nothing  at  all,  and 
her  mother  kissed  her  and  said,  now  you  are  not  a 
child  any  more,  now  you  belong  among  the  grown-ups. 
How  absurd,  so  /  am  still  a  child!  After  all,  on  July 
30th  I  shall  be  14  too,  and  at  least  one  month  before  I 
shall  have  it  too,  so  I  shan't  be  a  child  for  more  than 
six  months  more.  Hella  and  I  laughed  frightfully, 
but  she  is  really  a  little  puffed  up  about  it;  she  won't 
admit  that  she  is,  but  I  noticed  it  quite  clearly.  The 
only  girl  I  know  who  did  not  put  on  airs  when  that 
happened  was  Ada.  Because  of  the  school  Hella  is 
awfully  shy,  and  before  her  father  too.  But  her 
mother  has  promised  her  not  to  tell  him.  If  only  one 
can  trust  her!  ! ! 

January  7th.  Hella  came  to  school  to-day  in  spite 
of  everything.  I  kept  on  looking  at  her,  and  in  the 
interval  she  said:     "I  have  told  you  already  that  you 


182  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

must  not  stare  at  me  in  that  idiotic  way,  and  this  is 
the  second  time  I've  had  to  speak  to  you  about  it. 
One  must  not  make  a  joke  about  such  things."  I  was 
not  going  to  stand  that.  One  must  not  look  at  her; 
very  well,  in  the  third  lesson  I  sat  turning  away  from 
her;  then  suddenly  she  hooked  one  of  my  feet  with 
hers  so  that  I  nearly  burst  out  laughing,  and  she  said: 
"Do  look  round,  for  that  way  is  even  stupider."  Of 
course  Dunker  promptly  called  us  to  order,  that  is,  she 
told  Hella  to  go  on  reading,  but  Hella  said  promptly 
that  she  felt  very  unwell,  and  that  what  she  had  said 
to  me  was,  she  would  have  to  go  home  at  12.  All 
the  girls  looked  at  one  another,  for  they  all  know  what 
unwell  means,  and  Frau  Doktor  Dunker  said  Hella 
had  better  leave  directly,  but  she  answered  in  French 
—  that  pleases  Dunker  awfully  —  that  she  would 
rather  stay  till  the  end  of  the  lesson.  It  was  simply 
splendid ! 

January  12th.  We  went  to  the  People's  Theatre 
to-day  to  the  matinee  of  The  Fourth  Commandment. 
The  parting  from  the  grandmother  was  lovely;  almost 
everyone  was  in  tears.  I  managed  to  keep  from  cry- 
ing because  Dora  was  only  two  places  from  me,  and 
so  did  Hella,  probably  for  the  same  reason.  Anyway 
she  was  not  paying  much  attention  to  the  play  for  in 
the  main  interval  Lajos,  who  had  been  in  the  stalls, 
came  up  and  said  how  d'you  do  to  Hella  and  her 
mother.  He  wanted  to  go  home  with  them  after  the 
performance.  Jeno  has  mumps,  it  is  a  horrid  sort  of 
illness  and  if  I  had  it  I  should  never  admit  it.  Those 
illnesses  in  which  one  is  swelled  up  are  the  nastiest 
of  all.  The  Sunday  after  next  Lajos  and  Jeno  have 
been  invited  to  the  Brs.  and  of  course  they  asked  me 
too,  I  am  so  glad. 

January  18th.    I  have  not  written  for  a  whole  week, 


THIRD  YEAR  183 

we  have  such  a  frantic  lot  of  work,  especially  in 
French  in  which  we  are  very  backward,  at  least 
Dunker  says  so!  !  She  can't  stand  Madame  Arnau, 
that's  obvious.  For  my  part  I  liked  Mad.  Arnau  a 
great  deal  better,  if  only  because  she  had  no  pimples. 
And  Prof.  Jordan's  History  class  is  awfully  difficult, 
because  he  always  makes  one  find  out  the  causes 
for  oneself;  one  has  to  learn  intelligently'!,  but  that 
is  very  difficult  in  History.  No  one  ever  gets  an 
Excellent  from  him,  except  Verbenowitsch  sometimes, 
but  she  learns  out  of  a  book,  not  our  class  book,  but 
the  one  on  which  Herr  Prof.  J.  bases  his  lectures. 
And  because  she  reads  it  all  up  beforehand,  naturally 
she  always  knows  all  the  causes  of  the  war  and  the 
consequences.  Really  consequences  means  something 
quite  different,  and  so  Hella  and  I  never  dare  look 
at  one  another  when  he  is  examining  us  and  asks: 
What  were  the  consequences  of  this  event?  Of 
course  the  Herr  Prof,  imagined  that  Franke  was 
laughing  at  him  when  she  was  only  laughing  at  con- 
sequences; and  it  was  impossible  for  her  to  explain, 
especially  to  a  gentleman !  !  ! ! 

January  20th.  When  Dora  and  I  were  coming 
home  from  skating  to-day  we  met  Mademoiselle,  and 
I  said  how  d'you  do  to  her  at  once,  and  I  was  asking 
her  how  she  (much  emphasised)  was  getting  on,  when 
suddenly  I  noticed  that  Dora  had  gone  on,  and 
Mademoiselle  said:  "Your  sister  seems  in  a  great 
hurry,  I  don't  want  to  detain  her."  When  I  caught 
Dora  up  and  asked  her:  "Why  did  you  run  away?" 
she  tossed  her  head  and  said:  "That  sort  of  company 
does  not  suit  me."  "What  on  earth  do  you  mean, 
you  were  so  awfully  fond  of  Mad.,  and  besides  she 
is  really  lovely."  That's  true  enough,  she  said;  but 
it  was  awfully  tactless  of  her  to  tell  me  of  all  that — 


184  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

you  know  what.  Such  an  intimacy  behind  her  parents' 
backs  cannot  possibly  lead  to  happiness.  Then  I  got 
in  such  a  fearful  temper  and  said:  "Oh  do  shut  up. 
Father  and  Mother  did  not  know  anything  about 
Viktor  either,  and  you  were  happy  enough  then.  It 
is  just  the  secrecy  that  makes  one  so  happy."  Then 
she  said  very  softly:  "Dear  Grete,  you  too  will 
change  your  views,"  and  then  we  did  not  say  another 
word.  But  I  was  awfully  angry  over  her  meanness; 
for  first  of  all  she  wanted  to  hear  the  whole  story, 
although  Mad.  never  offered  to  tell  her,  and  now  she 
pretends  that  she  did  not  wish  it.  If  I  only  knew 
where  to  find  Mad.  I  would  warn  her.  Anyhow,  this 
day  week  at  7  I  shall  take  care  to  be  in  W.  Street, 
and  perhaps  I  may  meet  her,  for  she  probably  has 
a  private  lesson  somewhere  in  that  neighborhood. 

January  24th.  Mother  is  very  ill  again  to-day, 
in  spite  of  the  operation.  I  have  decided  that  I 
won't  go  on  Sunday  to  the  Brs.  although  Jeno  will 
be  there,  and  that  I  won't  wait  about  for  Mademoiselle 
on  Monday.  I  have  not  told  Hella  anything  about 
this  for  she  would  probably  say  it  was  very  stupid 
of  me,  but  I  would  rather  not;  not  because  Dora 
has  twice  spoken  to  me  pointedly  about  a  clear  con- 
science, but  because  I  don't  enjoy  anything  when 
Mother  is  ill. 

January  26th.  Mother  is  an  angel.  Yesterday  she 
asked  Aunt  Dora:  "By  the  way,  Dora,  has  Grete  put 
a  fresh  lace  tucker  in  her  blue  frock,  ready  for  the 
Brs.  to-morrow?"  Then  I  said:  "I'm  not  going 
Mother,"  and  Mother  asked:  "But  why  not,  surely 
not  on  my  account?"  Then  I  rushed  up  to  her  and 
said:  "I  can't  enjoy  anything  when  you  are  ill." 
And  then  Mother  was  so  awfully  sweet,  and  she  wept 
and  said:     "Such  moments  make  one  forget  all  pains 


THIRD  YEAR  185 

and  troubles.  But  really  you  must  go,  besides  I'm 
a  good  deal  better  to-day,  and  to-morrow  I  shall  be 
quite  well  again."  So  I  answered:  "All  right,  I'll  go, 
but  only  if  you  are  really  well.  But  you  must  tell 
me  honestly."  But  in  any  case  I  shan't  go  to  meet 
Mademoiselle  on  Monday. 

January  28th.  It  was  Mathematics  to-day  at 
school,  so  I  could  not  write  yesterday.  We  had  a 
heavenly  time  on  Sunday.  We  laughed  till  our  sides 
ached  and  Hella  was  nearly  suffocated  with  laughing. 
Lajos  is  enough  to  give  one  fits;  it  was  absolutely 
ripping  the  way  he  imitated  the  wife  of  Major  Zoltan 
in  the  Academy  and  Captain  Riffl.  I  can  hardly 
write  about  it,  for  my  hand  shakes  so  with  laughing 
when  I  think  of  it.  And  then,  while  Hella  and  Lajos 
were  singing  songs  together,  Jeno  told  me  that  every 
student  in  the  Neustadt  has  an  inamorata,  a  real  one. 
Mostly  in  Vienna,  but  some  in  Wiener  Neustadt, 
though  that  is  dangerous  because  of  being  caught. 
All  the  officers  know  about  it,  but  no  one  must  be 
found  out.  Then  I  told  him  about  Oswald's  affair, 
and  he  said:  "Oswald  was  a  great  donkey,  you'll 
excuse  me  for  saying  so  since  he's  your  brother;  but 
really  he  made  a  fool  of  himself.  He  was  only  a 
civilian;  it's  quite  different  in  the  army."  Then  I  got 
cross  and  said:  "That's  all  very  well,  Jeno,  but  you 
are  not  an  officer  yourself,  so  I  don't  see  how  you  can 
know  anything  about  it."  Then  he  said  to  Hella: 
"I  say,  Ilonka,  you  must  keep  your  friend  in  better 
order,  she  is  rather  inclined  to  be  insubordinate." 
She  is  to  make  a  written  note  of  every  act  of  insub- 
ordination, and  then  he  will  administer  exemplary 
punishment.    All  very  fine,  but  it  will  take  two  to  that. 

January  30th.  I  wish  I  knew  whether  Mademoiselle 
really  passed  through  W.  Street  again  at  7  o'clock 


186  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

on  Monday,  for  she  certainly  said  very  distinctly: 
"Au  revoir,  ma  cherie ! "  She  is  so  pretty  and  so  pale; 
perhaps  she  is  really  ill,  and  she  must  be  awfully  nerv- 
ous about That  would  be  terrible.  We  won- 
der whether  she  knows  about  certain  means,  but  one 
simply  can't  tell  her. 

February  2nd.  I've  had  a  wonderful  idea  and 
Hella  thinks  it  a  positive  inspiration.  We  are  going 
to  write  anonymously  to  Mademoiselle  about  those 
means,  and  Hella  will  write,  so  that  no  one  can  recog- 
nise my  writing.  We  think  something  of  that  sort 
must  have  happened  to  Mademoiselle,  for  the  other 
day  I  heard  Mother  say  to  Aunt  Dora:  "If  we  had 
known  that,  wre  should  never  have  engaged  her  for 
the  children;  it  will  be  a  terrible  thing  for  her  parents." 
And  Aunt  Dora  said:  "Yes,  those  are  the  sort  of 
people  who  hide  their  disgrace  under  the  water."  It 
seems  quite  clear,  for  disgrace  means  an  illegitimate 
child.  And  the  worst  of  it  is,  that  they  know  that  she 
has  done  that.  We  must  help  the  poor  thing.  And 
that  is  why  Dora  is  so  indignant  all  of  a  sudden.  But 
how  can  she  know?  there  is  nothing  to  notice  yet  in 
Mademoiselle;  if  there  had  been  I  should  certainly 
have  seen  it,  for  Hella  often  says  I've  a  keen  eye  for 
it.  That  is  quite  true,  I  was  the  first  person  to  notice 
it  in  the  maid  at  Prof.  Hofer's,  when  even  Father  had 
not  noticed  it. 

February  4th.  Well,  we  nave  written  to  her,  at 
least  Hella  has,  saying  there  are  such  means,  and  that 
she  will  find  all  the  details  in  the  encyclopedia.  We 
have  addressed  it  to  F.  M.  and  signed  it  "Someone 
who  understands  you."  Unfortunately  we  shall  never 
be  able  to  find  out  whether  she  got  the  letter,  but  the 
main  thing  is  that  she  should. 

February  7th.    What  a  frightful  lot  of  anxiety  a 


THIRD  YEAR  187 

letter  can  give  one !  In  the  interval  to-day  the  school 
servant  came  up  to  me  and  said:  Please  are  you 
Fraulein  Lainer  of  the  Third.  "There  is  a  letter  for 
you."  I  blushed  furiously,  for  I  thought,  it  must 
be  from  Mademoiselle,  but  my  blushing  made  Frau 
Berger  think  it  must  be  from  a  young  man:  "Really 
I  ought  to  give  it  to  the  head  mistress;  I  am  not 
allowed  to  deliver  any  letters  to  the  pupils,  but  in 
your  case  I  will  make  an  exception.  But  please  re- 
member if  it  happens  again  I  shall  have  to  hand  it 
in  to  the  office."  Then  I  said:  "Frau  Berger,  I  am 
quite  certain  it  is  not  from  a  gentleman,  but  from  a 
young  lady,"  and  when  she  gave  it  to  me  I  saw  directly 
that  it  really  was  not  from  a  gentleman  but  only  from 
Ada!  It  really  is  too  stupid  of  her!  At  the  New 
Year  she  reproached  me  for  having  broken  my  word, 
and  now  she  begs  me  to  enquire  at  the  Raimund 
Theatre  or  at  the  People's  Theatre  whether  Herr  G. 
is  there;  she  says  she  can't  live  without  him  in  St.  P. 
But  in  the  holidays  she  told  me  that  she  was  not 
in  love  with  him,  that  for  her  he  was  only  a  means 
to  an  end.  I'm  absolutely  certain  she  said  that. 
Nothing  will  induce  me  to  go  to  enquire  at  a  theatre 
office,  and  Hella  says  too  that  to  make  such  a  sugges- 
tion is  a  piece  of  impudence.  I  shall  just  write  her  an 
ordinary  letter,  telling  her  what  a  row  she  might  have 
got  me  into  at  school.  I  really  think  Ada  has  a  bee 
in  her  bonnet,  as  Father  always  says. 

February  10th.  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing! 
I  was  sent  for  to  the  office  to-day  because  the  school 
servant  had  complained  that  on  two  occasions  I  had 
thrown  down  some  orange  peel  at  the  entrance.  It's 
quite  true  that  I  did  drop  one  piece  there  yesterday, 
but  I  pushed  it  out  of  the  way  with  my  foot  into  the 
corner,  and  as  for  any  other  time  I  know  nothing 


188  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

about  it.  But  I  see  which  way  the  wind  is  blowing. 
Frau  Berger  thought  I  would  give  her  some  money 
for  that  letter;  just  fancy,  how  absurd,  money  for  a 
letter  like  that,  I  wouldn't  give  20  kreuzer  for  such 
a  letter.  But  since  then  she's  been  in  a  frightfully 
bad  temper,  I  noticed  it  on  Wednesday  when  we  were 
wiping  our  shoes  at  the  door.  What  I  said  to  the 
head  was:  It  happened  only  once,  and  I  kicked  the 
peel  into  the  corner  where  no  one  could  tread  on  it, 
but  I  certainly  did  not  do  it  twice,  and  Bruckner  can 
confirm  what  I  say."  Then  the  head  said:  "Oh 
well,  we  need  not  make  a  state  affair  of  it,  but  the 
next  time  you  drop  something,  please  pick  it  up." 
Frau  Berger  is  furious,  and  all  we  girls  in  our  class 
have  decided  that  while  we  won't  make  more  mess 
than  we  need,  still,  we  shan't  be  too  particular.  If 
any  one  of  us  happens  to  drop  a  piece  of  paper  she  will 
just  let  it  lie.  Such  cheek,  one  really  can't  stand  it! 
February  12th.  We  got  our  reports  to-day.  I  have 
not  got  any  Satisfactories,  only  Praiseworthy  and 
Excellent.  Father  and  Mother  are  awfully  pleased 
and  they  have  given  each  of  us  2  crowns.  Indeed 
Dora  has  practically  nothing  but  Excellents,  only 
three  Praiseworthies ;  but  she  studies  frantically  hard, 
and  she  is  learning  Latin  again  with  Frau  Doktor  M. 
If  she  is  still  teaching  the  lower  classes  next  year, 
I  shall  go  too,  for  that  way  we  shall  have  her  for 
3  hours  longer  each  week.  By  the  way,  Franke  has 
actually  got  Praiseworthy  in  Maths,  and  Physics, 
though  she's  hardly  any  good.  The  Nutling  seems  to 
give  extraordinarily  good  reports,  for  twice  in  the 
Maths,  schoolwork  Hella  has  had  an  Unsatisfactory, 
and  yet  now  in  her  report  she  has  Praiseworthy. 
With  Frau  Doktor  M.  one  has  really  to  deserve  one's 
report,  and  it  was  just  the  same  last  year  with  Fr. 


THIRD  YEAR  189 

Dr.  St.  The  worst  of  all  is  with  Herr  Prof.  Jordan. 
Not  a  single  one  of  us  has  got  an  Excellent  except 
that  deceitful  cat  Verbenowitsch.  To-morrow  the  Brs. 
are  giving  a  great  birthday  party  because  of  Hella's 
14th  birthday.  Lajos  and  Jeno  are  coming  and  the 
two  Ehrenfelds,  because  Hella  is  very  fond  of  them, 
especially  Trude,  the  elder,  that  is  she  is  2  days  older 
than  Kitty,  for  they  are  twins!!  How  awful!!! 
They  only  came  to  the  Lyz  this  year,  and  Hella  meets 
them  skating  every  day,  I  don't  because  we  have  no 
season  tickets  this  year  but  only  take  day  tickets  when 
we  can  go,  because  of  Mother's  illness.  I  am  giving 
Hella  an  electric  torch  with  a  very  powerful  reflector, 
so  that  it  really  lights  up  the  whole  room,  and  an 
amber  necklace. 

February  14th.  It's  a  good  thing  that  we  have 
the  half-term  holiday  to-day  and  to-morrow  for  that 
gives  me  time  to  write  all  about  yesterday.  It  was 
simply  phenomenal!  I  went  to  wish  Hella  many 
happy  returns  quite  early,  and  I  stayed  to  dinner 
and  Lajos  and  Jeno  had  been  invited  to  dinner  too, 
in  the  afternoon  the  2  Ehrenfelds  came  and  brought 
a  box  of  sweets,  and  3  of  Hella's  girl  cousins  and  two 
boys,  one  of  whom  is  frightfully  stupid  and  never 
speaks  a  word,  and  several  aunts  and  other  ladies, 
for  the  grown-ups  had  their  friends  too.  But  we  did 
not  bother  about  them,  for  the  dining-room,  Lizzi's 
room,  and  Hella's  room  had  been  arranged  for  us. 
Hella  had  been  sent  such  a  lot  of  flowers  that 
they  nearly  gave  us  a  headache.  At  dinner  Lajos 
proposed  a  toast  to  Hella  and  another  at  tea.  Hella 
was  splendid,  and  in  the  evening  she  said  to  me:  "At 
14  one  really  does  become  a  different  being."  For 
in  proposing  his  toast  Lajos  had  said  that  every  7 
years  a  human  being  is  completely  changed,  and  Hella 


190  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

thinks  that  is  perfectly  true.  Thank  goodness,  in  6)4 
months  I  shall  change  my  whole  being  too.  There 
really  did  seem  to  be  something  different  about  her, 
and  when  we  all  had  to  blow  to  extinguish  the  candles 
on  her  birthday  cake,  all  except  the  life-light  in  the 
middle,  as  a  sign  that  the  other  years  have  passed, 
she  really  got  quite  pale,  for  she  was  afraid  that  in 
joke  or  through  awkwardness  some  one  would  blow 
out  her  life-light.  Thank  goodness  it  was  all  right. 
I  don't  much  care  for  such  things  myself,  for  I'm 
always  afraid  that  something  might  happen.  Of 
course  I  know  that  it's  only  a  superstition,  but  it 
would  have  been  horribly  unpleasant  if  anyone  had 
blown  out  the  life-light.  Openly! !  Lajos  gave  Hella 
an  enormous  square  box  of  sweets,  and  secretly! !  a 
silver  ring  with  a  heart  pendant.  He  wanted  her 
to  wear  this  until  it  is  replaced  by  a  gold  one  —  the 
wedding  ring.  But  she  can't  because  of  her  parents, 
so  she  begged  me  to  allow  her  to  say  that  I  had  given 
it  her,  but  that  would  not  do  either  because  of  Father 
and  Mother.  These  things  are  such  a  nuisance,  and 
that  is  why  no  young  man  will  ever  go  on  living  at 
home  where  one  is  continually  being  questioned  about 
everything  one  has,  and  does,  and  wears.  After  tea 
we  sang:  "Had  I  but  stayed  on  my  lonely  Hearth" 
and  other  sad  songs,  because  they  are  the  prettiest, 
and  in  the  evening  we  danced  while  Hella's  Father 
played  for  us;  and  then  Elwira,  the  tall  cousin, 
danced  the  czardas  with  Lajos,  it  was  wonderful. 
I've  never  known  such  a  birthday  party  as  yesterday's. 
It's  only  possible  in  winter;  you  can  never  have  any- 
thing like  it  on  my  birthday,  July  30th,  for  the  people 
one  is  fondest  of  are  never  all  together  at  that  time. 
Really  no  one  ought  to  have  a  birthday  in  the  holiday 
months,  but  always  sometime  between  the  end  of  Sep- 


THIRD  YEAR  191 

tember  and  June.  I  do  wish  I  were  14,  I  simply 
can't  wait.  Hella's  mother  said  to  Hella,  You  are 
not  a  child  any  longer,  but  a  grown-up;  I  do  wish 
I  were  too !  ! ! 

February  16th.  We  have  a  new  schoolfellow.  All 
the  girls  and  all  the  staff  are  delighted  with  her.  She 
is  so  small  she  might  be  only  10,  but  awfully  pretty. 
She  has  brown  curls  (Hella  says  foxy  red,  but  I  don't 
agree)  hanging  down  to  her  shoulders,  large  brown 
eyes,  a  lovely  mouth,  and  a  complexion  like  milk  and 
roses.  She  is  the  daughter  of  a  bank  manager  in 
Hamburg;  he  shot  himself,  I  don't  know  why.  Of 
course  she  is  in  mourning  and  it  suits  her  wonderfully. 
She  has  a  strong  North  German  accent.  Frau  Doktor 
Fuchs  is  simply  infatuated  with  her  and  the  head  is 
awfully  fond  of  her  too. 

February  19th.  Hella  and  I  walked  home  to-day 
with  Anneliese.  She  is  called  Anneliese  von  Zerkwitz. 
Her  mother  has  been  so  frightfully  upset  by  her 
father's  death  that  she'll  probably  have  to  be  sent  to  a 
sanatorium ;  that  is  why  Anneliese  has  come  to  Vienna 
to  stay  with  her  uncle.  He  is  a  professor  and  they 
live  in  Wiedner  Hauptstrasse.  Dora  thinks  her 
charming  too,  the  whole  school  is  in  love  with  her, 
she  is  going  to  gym.  with  us;  I  am  so  glad.  Of 
course  she  won't  stand  near  Hella  and  me  because 
she's  so  small ;  but  we  can  always  keep  an  eye  on  her, 
show  her  everything,  and  help  her  with  the  apparatus. 
Hella  is  a  trifle  jealous  and  says:  "It  seems  to  me 
that  Anneliese  has  quite  taken  my  place  in  your  affec- 
tions." I  said  that  was  not  a  bit  true,  but  did  she 
not  think  Anneliese  awfully  loveable?  "Yes,"  said 
Hella,  "but  one  must  not  neglect  old  friends  on  that 
account."  "I  certainly  shan't  do  anything  of  the 
kind;  but  Anneliese  really  needs  some  one  who  will 


192  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

show  her  everything  and  explain  everything."  Be- 
sides, the  head  mistress  and  Frau  Doktor  M.  placed 
her  in  front  of  me  and  said  to  us:  "Give  her  a 
helping  hand." 

February  20th.  It's  such  a  pity  that  I  can't  ask 
Anneliese  here,  for  Mother  has  been  in  bed  for  the 
last  week.  But  she  is  going  to  Hella's  on  Sunday, 
and  since  I  am  going  too  of  course  I  am  frightfully 
glad.  Naturally  I  would  much  rather  have  her  here; 
but  unfortunately  it's  impossible  because  of  Mother. 
Dora  thinks  that  Mother  will  have  to  have  another 
operation,  but  I  don't  believe  it,  for  such  an  opera- 
tion can  only  be  done  once.  What  I  can't  understand 
is  why  there  should  be  anything  wrong  with  Mother 
if  the  operation  was  successful.  Dora  is  afraid  that 
Mother  has  cancer,  that  would  be  horrible;  but  I 
don't  believe  she  has,  because  if  one  has  cancer  one 
can't  recover. 

February  23rd.  It  was  heavenly  at  the  Bruckners! 
Anneliese  did  not  come  until  4,  for  they  don't  have 
dinner  until  3.  She  wore  a  white  embroidered  frock 
with  black  silk  ribbons.  Hella's  mother  kissed  her 
with  tears  in  her  eyes.  For  her  mother  really  is  in 
a  sanatorium  because  is  suffering  from  nervous 
disease.  Anneliese  is  living  with  her  uncle  and  aunt. 
But  she  often  cries  because  of  her  father  and  mother. 
Still,  she  enjoyed  herself  immensely  in  the  round 
games,  winning  all  the  best  prizes,  a  pocket  comb 
and  mirror,  a  box  of  sweets,  a  toy  elephant,  a  negro 
with  a  vase,  and  other  things  as  well.  I  won  a  pen- 
wiper, a  double  vase,  a  pencil  holder,  a  lot  of  sweets, 
and  a  note  book,  Hella  won  a  lot  of  things  too,  and  so 
did  her  two  cousins  and  Jenny. 

Then  we  had  some  music  and  Anneliese  sang  the 


THIRD  YEAR  193 

Wacht  am  Rhein  and  a  lot  of  folk  songs;  her  voice  is 
as  sweet  as  herself.  She  was  fetched  at  7, 1  stayed  till  8. 

March  1st.  To-morrow  Hella  and  I  have  been  in- 
vited to  Anneliese's.  I  am  so  awfully  glad.  I  shall 
ask  Mother  to  let  me  wear  my  new  theatre  blouse 
and  the  green  spring  coat  and  skirt.  The  temperature 
went  up  to  54°  to-day. 

March  3rd.  Yesterday  we  went  to  Anneliese's. 
She  shares  a  room  with  her  cousin;  she  is  only  11 
and  goes  to  the  middle  school,  but  she  is  a  nice  girl. 
I  expected  to  find  everything  frightfully  smart  at 
Professor  Arndt's,  but  it  was  not  so  at  all.  They 
have  only  3  rooms  not  particularly  well  furnished. 
He  has  retired  on  a  pension,  Emmy  is  their  grand- 
daughter, she  lives  with  them  because  her  father  is 
in  Galicia,  a  captain  or  major  I  think.  It  was  not 
so  amusing  as  at  Hella's.  We  played  games  without 
prizes,  and  that  is  dull;  it  is  not  that  one  plays  for 
the  sake  of  the  prizes,  but  what's  the  use  of  playing 
if  one  does  not  win  anything?  Then  they  read  aloud 
to  us  out  of  a  story  book.  But  what  Hella  and  I 
found  exasperating  was  that  Anneliese's  uncle  said 
"Du"  to  us  both.  For  Hella  is  14,  and  I  shall  be 
14  in  a  few  months.  But  Hella  was  quite  right;  in 
conversation  she  said:  "At  the  High  School  only 
the  mistresses  say  Du  to  us,  the  professors  have  to 
say  Sie."  Unfortunately  he  went  away  soon  after, 
so  we  don't  know  whether  he  took  the  hint.  Hella 
says  too  that  it  was  not  particularly  entertaining. 

March  9th.  Oh  dear,  Mother  really  has  got  cancer; 
of  course  Father  has  not  told  us  so,  but  she  has  to 
have  another  operation.  Dora  has  cried  her  eyes  out 
and  my  knees  are  trembling.  She's  going  to  hospital 
on  Friday.  Aunt  Dora  is  coming  back  on  Thursday 
and  will  stay  here  till  Mother  is  well  again.     I  do 


194  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

so  dread  the  operation,  and  still  more  Mother's  going 
away.  It's  horrible,  but  still  lots  of  people  have 
cancer  and  don't  die  of  it. 

March  22nd.  Mother  is  coming  home  again  to- 
morrow. Oh  I  am  so  glad!  Everything  is  so  quiet 
in  the  hospital  and  one  hardly  dares  speak  in  the 
passages.  Mother  said:  "I  don't  want  to  stay  here 
any  longer,  let  me  go  back  to  my  children."  We 
went  to  see  Mother  in  hospital  every  day  and  took 
her  violets  and  other  flowers,  for  she  was  not  allowed 
to  eat  anything  during  the  first  few  days  after  the 
operation.  But  it's  quite  different  now  that  she's 
home  again.  I  should  have  liked  to  stay  away  from 
school  to-day,  but  Mother  said:  "No,  children,  go 
to  school,  do  it  to  please  me."  So  of  course  we  went, 
but  I  simply  could  not  attend  to  my  lessons. 

March  24th.  Mother  is  asleep  now.  She  looks 
frightfully  ill  and  still  has  a  lot  of  pain.  I'm  sure  the 
doctors  can't  really  understand  her  case;  for  if  they 
had  operated  properly  she  would  not  still  have  pain 
after  the  second  operation.  I  should  like  to  know 
what  Mother  has  been  talking  to  Dora  about,  for  they 
both  cried.  Although  Dora  and  I  are  on  good  terms 
now,  she  would  not  tell  me,  but  said  she  had  promised 
Mother  not  to  speak  about  it.  I  can't  believe  that 
Mother  has  told  Dora  a  secret,  but  perhaps  it  was 
something  about  marrying.  For  Dora  only  said: 
"Besides,  Mother  did  not  need  to  say  that  to  me, 
for  my  mind  was  quite  made  up  in  any  case."  I  do 
hate  such  hints,  it's  better  to  say  nothing  at  all.  As 
soon  as  Mother  can  get  up  she  is  going  to  Abbazia 
for  a  change,  and  most  likely  Dora  will  go  with  her. 

March  26th.  Mother  and  Dora  are  going  to  Abbaz- 
zia  next  week.  Dora  thinks  I  envy  her  the  journey, 
and  she  said:     "I  would  willingly  renounce  the  jour- 


THIRD  YEAR  195 

ney  and  the  seaside  if  only  Mother  would  get  well. 
And  this  year  when  I  have  to  matriculate,  I  certainly 
should  not  go  for  pleasure."  I'm  so  awfully  miser- 
able that  I  simply  can't  wear  a  red  ribbon  in  my  hair, 
though  red  suits  me  best.  I  generally  wear  a  black 
one  now,  but  since  yesterday  a  brown  one,  for  Mother 
said:  "Oh,  Gretel,  do  give  up  that  black  ribbon; 
it  looks  so  gloomy  and  does  not  suit  you  at  all.  Of 
course  I  could  not  tell  Mother  how  I  was  feeling,  so 
I  took  the  brown  one  and  said  the  red  ribbon  was 
quite  worn  out. 

April  12th.  I  never  get  my  diary  written.  It's  so 
gloomy  at  home  for  Mother  is  very  bad.  Oswald  is 
coming  home  to-morrow  for  the  Easter  holidays  and 
Mother  is  looking  forward  so  to  seeing  him.  I  was 
to  have  gone  with  Hella  and  her  father  to  Maria-Zell, 
for  this  year  they  are  probably  going  to  take  a  house 
for  the  summer  in  Mitterbach  or  Mitterberg  near 
Maria-Zell.  But  I  am  not  going  after  all,  for  I  don't 
feel  inclined,  and  I  think  Mother  is  better  pleased 
that  I  should  not;  for  she  said:  "So  I  shall  have  all 
my  three  darlings  together  here  at  Easter."  When 
she  said  that  I  wanted  to  cry,  and  I  ran  quickly  out 
of  the  room  so  that  she  might  not  see  me.  But  she 
must  have  seen,  for  after  dinner  she  said:  "Gretel, 
if  you  really  want  to  go  with  the  Bruckners,  I  should 
like  you  to ;  I  should  be  so  glad  for  you  to  have  a  little 
pleasure,  you  have  not  had  much  enjoyment  all  the 
winter."  And  then  I  could  not  stop  myself,  and  I 
burst  out  crying  and  said:  "No,  Mother,  I  won't  go 
on  any  account.  All  I  want  is  that  you  should  get 
quite  well  again."  And  then  Mother  cried  too  and 
said:  Darling,  I'm  afraid  I  shall  never  be  quite  well 
again,  but  I  should  like  to  stay  until  you  are  all  grown 
up;  after  that  you  won't  need  me  so  much."    Then 


196  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Dora  came  in  and  when  she  saw  that  Mother  was 
crying  she  said  that  Father  had  sent  for  me.  He 
hadn't  really  but  in  the  evening  she  told  me  that 
Mother's  illness  was  hopeless,  but  that  I  must  not  do 
anything  to  upset  her  or  let  her  see  what  I  was  feel- 
ing. And  then  we  both  cried  a  lot  and  promised 
one  another  that  we  would  always  stay  with  Father. 

May  16th.  Mother  died  on  April  24th,  the  Sunday 
after  Easter.  We  are  all  so  awfully  unhappy.  Hardly 
anyone  says  a  word  at  mealtimes,  only  Father  speaks 
to  us  so  lovingly.  Most  likely  Aunt  Dora  will  stay 
here  for  good.  It's  not  three  weeks  yet  since  Mother 
was  buried,  but  in  one  way  we  feel  as  if  she  had  al- 
ready been  dead  three  years,  and  in  another  way  one 
is  always  suddenly  wanting  to  go  into  her  room,  to 
ask  her  something  or  tell  her  something.  And  when 
we  go  to  bed  we  talk  about  her  for  such  a  long  time, 
and  then  I  dream  about  her  all  night.  Why  should 
people  die?  Or  at  least  only  quite  old  people,  who 
no  longer  have  anyone  to  care  about  it.  But  a  mother 
and  a  father  ought  never  to  die.  The  night  after 
Mother  died  Hella  wanted  me  to  come  and  stay  with 
them,  but  I  preferred  to  stay  at  home;  but  late  in 
the  evening  I  did  not  dare  to  go  into  the  hall  alone, 
so  Dora  went  with  me.  Father  had  locked  the  door 
into  the  drawing-room,  where  Mother  was  laid  out, 
but  all  the  same  it  was  awfully  creepy.  They  did 
not  call  me  on  the  24th  until  after  Mother  was  dead; 
I  should  have  so  liked  to  see  her  once  more.  Good 
God,  why  should  one  die?  If  only  I  had  been  called 
Berta  after  her;  but  she  did  not  wish  that  either  of 
us  should  be  called  after  her,  nor  did  Father  wish 
it  in  Oswald's  case. 

May  19th.  When  Mother  was  buried,  one  thing 
made  me  frightfully  angry  with  Dora,  at  least  not 


THIRD  YEAR  197 

really  angry  but  hurt,  that  she  should  have  gone  into 
church  and  come  out  of  church  with  Father.  For  / 
have  always  gone  with  Father  and  Dora  has  always 
gone  with  Mother.  And  while  poor  Mother  was  in 
hospital,  Dora  went  with  Aunt.  But  at  the  funeral 
Father  went  with  her,  and  I  had  to  go  with  Aunt 
Dora.  A  few  days  later  I  spoke  to  her  about  it,  and 
she  said  it  was  quite  natural  because  she  is  the  elder. 
She  said  that  Oswald  ought  to  have  gone  with  me, 
that  that  would  have  been  the  proper  thing.  But  he 
went  alone.  Another  thing  that  annoys  me  is  this; 
when  Aunt  Dora  came  here  in  the  autumn,  Dora  and 
I  sat  on  the  same  side  of  the  table  at  dinner  and 
supper,  and  Aunt  sat  opposite  Mother,  and  when 
Mother  took  to  her  bed  her  place  was  left  vacant. 
After  she  died  Oswald  sat  on  the  fourth  side,  and 
now  for  about  a  week  Dora  has  been  sitting  in 
Mother's  place.  I  can't  understand  how  Father  can 
allow  it! 

May  1 9th.  At  dinner  to-day  no  one  could  eat  any- 
thing. For  we  had  breast  of  veal,  and  we  had  had 
the  same  thing  on  the  day  of  poor  Mother's  funeral, 
and  when  the  joint  was  brought  in  I  happened  to 
look  at  Dora  and  saw  that  she  was  quite  red  and  was 
sobbing  frightfully.  Then  I  could  not  contain  myself 
any  more  and  said:     "I  can't  eat  any  breast  of  veal, 

for  on  Mother's  burial  day ,"  then  I  could 

not  say  any  more,  and  Father  stood  up  and  came 
round  to  me,  and  Dora  and  Aunt  Dora  burst  out 
crying  too.  And  after  dinner  Aunt  promised  us  that 
we  should  never  have  breast  of  veal  again.  For  tea, 
Aunt  Dora  ordered  an  Ulm  cake  because  we  had  eaten 
hardly  anything  at  dinner. 

May  26th.  To-day  is  the  first  day  of  Dora's  writ- 
ten matriculation.     Father  wanted  her  to  withdraw 


198  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

because  she  looks  so  ill,  but  she  would  not  for  she 
said  it  would  be  a  distraction  for  her  and  that  she 
would  like  to  finish  with  the  High  School.  Next 
year  she  is  to  go  to  a  preparatory  school  for  the  Gym- 
nasium. She  ought  really  to  go  to  a  dancing  class, 
for  she  is  nearly  17,  but  since  she  is  in  mourning  it  is 
quite  impossible  and  of  course  she  does  not  want  to 
go  anyhow.  The  head  thought  too  that  Dora  would 
withdraw  from  the  examination  because  she  is  so  over- 
wrought, but  she  did  not  want  to  withdraw.  The 
staff  were  so  awfully  sweet  to  us  after  Mother's  death, 
at  least  the  women  teachers  were.  The  professors 
don't  bother  themselves  about  our  private  concerns, 
for  they  only  see  us  for  1  or  2  hours  a  week.  Frau 
Doktor  Steiner,  from  whom  we  don't  have  any  lessons 
this  year,  was  awfully  sympathetic;  I  saw  plainly 
that  she  had  tears  in  her  eyes,  and  Frau  Doktor  M. 
was  an  angel  as  she  always  is !  We  did  not  go  to  the 
spring  festival  on  May  20th,  though  Father  said  we 
could  go  if  we  liked.  Hella  and  Anneliese  were 
awfully  anxious  that  I  should  go;  but  I  would  not, 
and  indeed  I  shall  never  go  to  any  more  amusements. 
No  doubt  the  others  enjoyed  themselves  immensely, 
but  for  Dora  and  me  it  would  have  been  horrible. 
In  the  evenings  I  often  fancy  to  myself  that  it  is  not 
really  true,  that  Mother  has  simply  gone  to  Franzens- 
bad  and  will  be  back  soon.  And  then  I  cry  until  my 
head  aches  or  until  Dora  says:  "Oh  Gretel,  I  do  wish 
you'd  stop,  it's  awful."  She  often  cries  herself,  I 
can  hear  her  quite  well,  but  I  never  say  anything. 
June  4th.  So  Dora  looks  upon  Mother's  death 
*  as  a  sign  of  God's  displeasure  against  Father!  But 
what  could  we  have  done  to  prevent  it?  She  said, 
Oh,  yes,  we  did  a  lot  of  things  we  ought  not  to  have 
done,   and   above  all  we  had  secrets  from  Mother. 


THIRD  YEAR  199 

That  is  why  God  has  punished  us.  It's  horrible,  and 
now  that  she  is  always  speaking  of  the  eye  of  God 
and  the  finger  of  God  it  makes  me  so  terribly  afraid 
to  go  into  a  dark  room,  because  I  always  feel  there  is 
some  one  there  who  is  eying  me  and  wants  to  seize 
me. 

June  8th.  Father  is  in  a  frightful  rage  with  Dora; 
yesterday  evening,  when  I  opened  the  drawing-room 
door  and  there  was  Father  coming  out,  quite  unin- 
tentionally I  gave  a  yell,  and  when  Father  asked 
what  was  the  matter  I  told  him  about  God's  displeas- 
ure; only  I  did  not  tell  him  it  was  against  him,  but 
only  against  Dora  and  me.  And  then  Father  was 
frightfully  angry  for  the  first  time  since  Mother's 
death,  and  he  told  Dora  she  was  not  to  upset  me  with 
her  ill-conditioned  fancies,  and  Dora  nearly  had  an 
attack  of  palpitation  so  that  the  doctor  had  to  be  sent 
for.  Aunt  came  to  sleep  in  our  room  and  we  both 
had  to  take  bromide.  To-day  Father  was  awfully 
kind  to  us  and  said:  "Girls,  you've  no  reason  to  re- 
proach yourselves,  you  have  always  been  good  chil- 
dren, and  I  hope  you  always  will  be  good."  Yes,  I 
will  be,  for  Mother's  eye  watches  over  us.  Hella 
thinks  I  look  very  poorly,  and  she  asked  me  to-dav 
whether  perhaps  ....??  But  I  told  her  that  I 
would  not  talk  about  such  things  any  more,  that  it 
would  be  an  offence  to  my  Mother's  memory.  She 
wanted  to  say  something  more,  but  I  said:  "No, 
Hella,  I  simply  won't  talk  about  that  any  more.  You 
can't  understand,  because  your  mother  is  still  alive." 

June  12th.  It  is  awful;  just  when  I  did  not  want 
to  think  any  more  about  such  things,  there  comes  an 
affair  of  that  very  sort!  I'm  in  a  frightful  mess 
through  no  fault  of  my  own.  Just  after  9  to-day  a 
girl  from  the  Second  came  in  to  our  Mathematic  les- 


200  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

son  and  said:  "The  head  mistress  wishes  to  see 
Lainer,  Bruckner,  and  Franke  in  the  office  directly. 
All  the  girls  looked  at  us,  but  we  did  not  know  why. 
When  we  came  into  the  office,  the  door  of  the  head's 
room  was  shut  and  Fraulein  N.  told  us  to  wait.  Then 
the  head  came  out  and  called  me  in.  Inside  a  lady 
was  sitting,  and  she  looked  at  me  through  a  lorgnon. 
"Do  you  spend  much  time  with  Zerkwitz?"  asked  the 
head.  Yes,  said  I,  and  I  had  a  foreboding.  "This 
lady  is  Zerkwitz's  mother,  she  complains  that  you 
talk  about  very  improper  things  with  her  daughter; 
is  it  so?"  "Hella  and  I  never  wanted  to  tell  her  any- 
thing; but  she  begged  us  to  again  and  again,  and 
besides  we  thought  she  really  knew  it  anyhow  and 
only  pretended  she  didn't."  "What  did  you  think 
she  knew,  and  what  did  you  talk  to  her  about?"  broke 
in  Anneliese's  mother.  "Excuse  me,"  said  the  head, 
"I  will  examine  the  girls;  so  Bruckner  was  concerned 
in  the  matter  too?"  "Very  seldom,"  said  I;  "Yes,  the 
chief  offender  is  Lainer,  the  girl  whose  mother  died 
recently."  Then  I  choked  down  my  tears,  and  said: 
"We  should  never  have  said  a  word  about  these  mat- 
ters unless  Anneliese  had  kept  on  at  us."  After  that 
I  would  not  answer  any  more  questions.  Then  Hella 
was  called  in.  She  told  me  afterwards  that  she  knew 
what  was  up  directly  she  saw  my  face.  "What  have 
you  been  talking  about  to  Zerkwitz?"  Hella  would 
not  say  at  first,  but  then  she  said  in  as  few  words  as 
possible:  "About  getting  babies,  and  about  being 
married ! "  "Gracious  goodness,  such  little  brats,  and 
to  talk  about  such  things,"  said  Anneliese's  mother. 
"Such  corrupt  minds."  "We  did  not  believe  that 
Anneliese  did  not  really  know,  or  we  should  never 
have  told  her  anything,"  said  Hella  just  as  I  had; 
she  was  simply  splendid.     "As  regards  Alfred,  we 


THIRD  YEAR  201 

have  nothing  to  do  with  that,  and  we  have  often  ad- 
vised her  not  to  allow  him  to  meet  her  coming  home 
from  school;  but  she  would  not  listen  to  us."  "I  am 
talking  about  your  conversations  with  which  you  have 
corrupted  the  poor  innocent  child,"  said  Frau  von 
Zerkwitz.  "She  certainly  must  have  known  some- 
thing about  it  before,  or  she  would  not  have  gone 
with  Alfred  or  wanted  to  talk  about  it  with  us,"  said 
Hella.  "Heavenly  Father,  that  is  worse  still;  such 
corruptness  of  mind ! "  Then  we  were  sent  out  of 
the  room.  Outside,  Hella  cried  frightfully,  and  so 
did  I,  for  we  were  afraid  there  would  be  a  row  at 
home.  We  could  not  go  back  into  the  Mathematic 
lesson  because  we  had  been  crying  such  a  lot.  In  the 
interval  Hella  walked  past  Anneliese  and  said  out 
loud:  "Traitress!!"  and  spat  at  her.  For  that  she 
was  ordered  out  of  the  ranks.  I  stepped  out  of  the 
ranks  too,  and  when  Frau  Professor  Kreindl  said: 
"Not  you,  Lainer,  you  go  on,"  I  said:  "Excuse  me, 
I  spat  at  her  too,"  and  went  and  stood  beside  Hella. 
All  the  girls  looked  at  us.  It  was  plain  that  Frau 
Prof.  Kreindl  knew  all  about  it  already  for  she  did 
not  say  any  more.  In  the  German  lesson  from  11 
to  12  Frau  Doktor  M.  said:  "Girls,  why  can't  you 
keep  the  peace  together?  This  continual  misconduct 
is  really  too  bad,  and  serves  only  to  make  trouble 
for  you  and  for  your  parents  and  for  us."  Just 
before  12  Hella  and  I  were  summoned  to  the  head's 
room  again.  "Girls,"  she  said,  "it's  a  horrible  busi- 
ness this.  Even  if  your  own  imaginations  have  been 
prematurely  poisoned,  why  should  you  try  to  corrupt 
others?  As  for  you,  Lainer,  you  ought  to  be  espe- 
cially ashamed  of  yourself  that  such  complaints 
should  be  made  of  you  when  your  mother  has  been 
buried  only  a  few  weeks."    "Excuse  me,"  said  Hella, 


202  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

"all  this  happened  in  the  spring,  and  even  earlier, 
in  the  winter,  for  we  were  still  skating  at  the  time. 
Rita's  mother  was  pretty  well  then.  Besides,  Zerk- 
witz  was  continually  pestering  us  to  tell  her.  I  often 
warned  Rita,  and  said:  "Don't  trust  her,"  but  she 
was  quite  infatuated  with  Zerkwitz.  Please,  Frau 
Direktorin,  don't  say  anything  about  it  to  Rita's 
father,  for  he  would  be  frightfully  upset." 

Hella  was  simply  splendid,  I  shall  never  forget. 
She  does  not  want  me  to  write  that;  we  are  writing 
together.  Hella  thinks  we  must  write  it  all  down 
word  for  word,  for  one  never  can  tell  what  use  it 
may  be.  No  one  ever  had  a  friend  like  Hella,  and  she 
is  so  brave  and  clever.  "You  are  just  as  clever," 
she  says,  "but  you  get  so  easily  overawed,  and  besides 
you  are  still  quite  nervous  because  of  your  mother's 
death.  I  only  hope  your  father  won't  hear  anything 
about  it."  That  stupid  idiot  dug  up  the  old  story 
about  the  two  students  on  the  ice,  a  thing  that  was 
over  and  done  with  ages  ago.  "You  should  never 
trust  anyone,"  says  Hella,  and  she's  perfectly  right. 
I  never  could  have  believed  Anneliese  would  be  such 
a  sneak.  We  don't  know  yet  what  was  up  with 
Franke.  As  she  came  in  she  put  her  finger  to  her 
lips,  meaning  of  course  "Betray  nothing!" 

June  15  th.  The  school  inspector  came  to-day.  I 
was  at  the  blackboard  in  the  Maths  lesson,  when  there 
was  a  knock  at  the  door  and  the  head  came  in  with 
the  Herr  Insp.  For  a  moment  I  thought  he  had  come 
about  that  matter,  and  I  went  as  white  as  a  sheet  (at 
least  the  girls  say  I  did;  Hella  says  I  looked  like 
Niobe  mourning  for  her  children).  Thank  goodness, 
the  sum  was  an  easy  one,  and  besides  I  can  always  do 
sums ;  in  Maths  and  French  I  am  the  best  in  the  class. 
But  the  Herr  Insp.  saw  that  I  had  tears  in  my  eyes 


THIRD  YEAR  203 

and  said  something  to  the  head;  then  the  head  said: 
"She  has  recently  lost  her  mother."  Then  the  Herr 
Insp.  praised  me,  and  like  a  stupid  idiot  I  must  needs 
begin  to  howl.  The  head  said:  "It's  all  right  L.,  sit 
down,"  and  stroked  my  hair.  She  is  so  awfully 
sweet,  and  I  do  hope  that  she  and  Frau  Doktor  M. 
will  say  a  word  for  me  at  the  Staff  Meeting.  And 
I  do  hope  that  Father  won't  hear  anything  of  it,  for 
of  course  he  would  reproach  me  dreadfully  because 
it  all  comes  so  soon  after  Mother's  death.  But  really 
it  all  happened  long  before  that.  The  way  it  all 
happened  was  that  Hella's  mother  went  away  to  see 
Emmy,  her  married  niece,  who  was  having  her  first 
baby.  And  then  it  was  that  we  told  the  "innocent 
child"  (that's  what  we  call  the  deceitful  cat)  every- 
thing. Hella  still  thinks  that  the  "innocent  child" 
was  a  humbug.  That  is  quite  likely,  for  after  all 
she  is  nearly  fourteen;  and  at  14  one  must  surely 
know  a  great  deal  already;  it's  impossible  that  at  that 
age  a  girl  can  continue  to  believe  in  the  stork  story, 
as  Anneliese  is  said! ! !  to  have  done.  Hella  thinks 
that  I  shall  soon  be  "developed*  too,  because  I  always 
have  such  black  rings  under  my  eyes.  I  overheard 
Frau  von  Zerkwitz  say,  "Little  brats;"  but  Hella 
says  that  the  head  hemmed  loudly  to  drown  it.  After- 
wards Hella  was  in  fits  of  laughter  over  the  expres- 
sion "little  brats"  for  her  mother  always  says 
about  such  things;  Little  brats  like  you  have  no  con- 
cern with  such  matters.  Good  Lord,  when  is  one  to 
learn  all  about  it  if  one  does  not  know  when  one  is 
nearly  14!  As  a  matter  of  fact  both  Hella  and  I 
learned  these  things  very  early,  and  it  has  not  done 
us  any  harm.  Hella's  mother  always  says  that  if  one 
learns  such  things  too  early  one  gets  to  look  old;  but 


204  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

of  course  that's  nonsense.  But  why  do  mothers  not 
want  us  to  know?    I  suppose  they're  just  ashamed. 

June  16th.  Yesterday  evening  after  we  had  gone 
to  bed,  Dora  said:  "What  were  you  really  talking 
about  to  Z.,  or  whatever  her  name  is?  The  head 
called  me  into  the  office  to-day  and  told  me  that  you 
had  been  talking  of  improper  matters.  She  said  I 
must  watch  over  you  in  Mother's  place!"  Well  that 
would  be  a  fine  thing !  Besides,  it  all  happened  when 
Mother  was  still  alive.  A  mother  never  knows  what 
children  are  talking  of  together.  Dora  thinks  that  I 
shall  have  a  written  Reprimand  from  the  Staff  Meet- 
ing. I  should  hate  that  because  of  Father;  that  would 
mean  another  fearful  row;  although  Father  is  really 
awfully  sweet  now;  I  have  not  had  a  single  rowing 
since  Mother  first  got  ill.  It's  quite  true  that  death 
makes  people  gentle,  but  why?  Really  one  would 
have  thought  people  would  get  disagreeable,  because 
they've  been  so  much  distressed.  Last  week  the 
tombstone  was  put  up  and  we  all  went  to  see  it.  I 
should  like  to  go  alone  to  the  cemetery  once  at  least, 
for  one  does  not  like  to  weep  before  the  others. 

June  18th.  The  "innocent  child"  does  not  come  to 
gym.  any  longer,  at  least  she  has  not  been  since  that 
affair.  We  think  she's  afraid,  although  we  should 
not  say  anything  to  her.  We  punish  her  wtth  silent 
contempt,  she'll  feel  that  more  than  anything.  And 
thank  goodness  she  does  not  come  to  play  tennis. 
I  do  hate  people  who  are  deceitful,  for  one  never 
knows  Where  to  have  them.  When  a  girl  tells  an  out- 
right cram,  then  I  can  at  least  say  to  her:  Oh,  clear 
out,  don't  tell  such  a  frightful  whacker;  I  was  not 
born  yesterday.  But  one  has  no  safeguard  against 
deceit  fulness.  That's  why  I  don't  like  cats.  We  have 
another  name  for  the  "innocent  child,"  we  call  her 


THIRD  YEAR  205 

the  "red  cat."  I  think  she  knows.  Day  after  to- 
morrow is  the  school  outing  to  Carnuntum.  I  am  so 
excited.    We  have  to  be  at  the  quay  at  Yz  past  7. 

June  21st.  The  outing  was  lovely.  Hella  was 
to  come  and  fetch  me.  But  she  overslept  herself, 
so  her  mother  took  a  taxi;  and  luckily  I  had  waited 
for  her.  I  should  like  to  be  always  driving  in  a  taxi. 
Dora  would  not  wait,  and  went  away  at  Y\  to  7  by 
electric  car.  At  Y/\  to  8  Hella  came  in  the  taxi,  and 
just  before  the  ship  weighed  anchor  (I  believe  one 
ought  only  to  say  that  of  a  sailing  ship  at  sea,  but 
it  does  not  matter,  I'm  not  Marina  who  knows  every- 
thing about  the  navy),  that  is  just  at  the  right  mo- 
ment, we  arrived.  They  all  stared  at  us  when  we 
came  rushing  up  in  the  taxi.  I  tumbled  down  as  I 
got  out  of  the  car,  it  was  stupid;  but  I  don't  think 
they  all  noticed  it.  Aunt  Dora  said  that  for  this  one 
day  we  had  better  put  off  our  mourning,  and  Father 
said  so  too,  so  we  wore  our  white  embroidered  frocks 
and  Aunt  Dora  was  awfully  good  and  had  made  us 
black  sashes;  it  looked  frightfully  smart,  and  they 
say  that  people  wear  mourning  like  that  in  America. 
I  do  love  America,  the  land  of  liberty.  Boys  (that 
is  young  students)   and  girls  go  to  school  together 

there !  ! But  about  the  outing.    In  the  boat 

we  sat  next  Frau  Doktor  M.,  she  was  awfully  nice; 
Hella  was  on  the  right  and  I  was  on  the  left,  and  we 
sat  so  close  that  she  said:  "Girls,  you're  squashing 
me,  or  at  least  you're  crushing  my  dress!"  She  was 
wearing  a  white  frock  and  had  a  coral  necklace  which 
suited  her  simply  splendidly.  When  we  were  near 
Hainburg  Hella's  hat  fell  into  the  Danube,  and  all 
the  girls  screamed  because  they  thought  a  child  had 
fallen  overboard.  But  thank  goodness  it  was  only 
the  hat.     We  went  up  the  Schlossberg  and  had  a 


206  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

lovely  view,  that  is,  /  did  not  look  at  anything  except 
Frau  Doktor  M.  because  she  was  so  lovely ;  Professor 
Wilke  was  with  us,  and  he  went  about  with  her  all 
the  time.  The  girls  say  he  will  probably  marry  her, 
perhaps  in  the  holidays.  Oh  dear,  that  would  be 
horrid.  Hella  thinks  that  is  quite  out  of  the  question 
because  of  the  German  professor;  at  any  rate  it  would 
be  better  for  her  to  marry  Professor  W.  than  the 
other,  because  he  is  said  to  be  a  Jew.  "Still,  with 
regard  to  all  the  things  that  hang  upon  marriage,  it's 
the  same  with  every  man,"  said  I.  "That's  just  the 
chief  point,  you  little  goose,"  said  Hella.  And  Frau 
Doktor  M.  said:  "Do  you  allow  your  chum  to  talk 
to  you  like  that?  What  is  the  chief  point?"  I  was 
just  going  to  say:  "We  can't  tell  you  that,"  when 
Hella  interrupted  me  and  said:  "Just  because  I'm 
her  chum  I  can  talk  to  her  like  that;  she  would  not 
let  anyone  else  do  it."  Then  we  went  to  dinner.  Un- 
fortunately we  did  not  sit  next  "her."  We  had  veal 
cutlets  and  four  pieces  of  chocolate  cake,  and  as  the 
Herr  Religionsprof.  went  by  he  said:  "How  many 
weeks  have  you  been  fasting?"  Before  dinner  we 
went  to  the  museum  to  see  the  things  they  had  dug 
up  in  the  Roman  camp.  The  head  mistress  and 
Fraulein  V.  explained  everything.  It  was  most  in- 
structive. In  the  afternoon  we  went  to  Deutsch- 
Altenburg.  It  was  great  fun  at  tea.  Then  we  had 
games  and  all  the  staff  joined  in,  the  Fifth  had  got 
up  a  comedy  by  one  of  the  girls.  We  were  all  in  fits 
of  laughter.  Then  suddenly  there  came  along  a 
whole  troop  of  officers  of  the  flying  corps,  frightfully 
smart,  and  one  of  them  sat  down  at  the  piano  and 
began  to  play  dance  music.  Another  came  up  to  the 
head  and  begged  her  to  allow  the  "young  ladies"  to 
dance.    The  head  did  not  want  to  at  first,  but  all  the 


THIRD  YEAR  207 

girls  of  the  Fifth  and  Sixth  begged  her  to,  and  the 
Herr  Rel.  Prof,  said:  "Oh,  Frau  Direktorin,  let 
them  have  the  innocent  pleasure,"  and  so  they  really 
were  allowed  to  dance.  The  rest  of  us  either  danced 
with  one  another  or  looked  on.  And  then,  when  Hella 
and  I  were  standing  right  in  front,  up  came  a  splendid 
lieutenant  and  said:  "May  I  venture  to  separate  the 
two  friends  for  a  little  dance?"  "If  you  please," 
said  I,  and  sailed  off  with  him.  To  dance  with  a 
lieutenant  is  glorious.  Then  the  same  lieutenant 
danced  with  Hella  and  in  the  evening  on  the  way 
home  she  said  that  the  lieutenant  had  really  wanted 
to  dance  with  her  first,  but  I  had  been  so  prompt  with 
my  "If  you  please"  and  had  placed  my  hand  on  his 
shoulder.  Of  course  that's  not  true,  but  it  is  not  a 
thing  one  would  quarrel  about  with  one's  best  friend, 
and  anyhow  he  danced  with  both  of  us.  Unfortu- 
nately we  were  not  able  to  dance  very  long  because 
we  got  so  hot.  Oh,  and  I  had  almost  forgotten,  a 
captain  with  a  black  moustache  saluted  Frau  Doktor 
M.,  for  they  know  one  another.  She  blushed  furi- 
ously; so  he  is  probably  the  man  she  will  marry,  and 
not  Herr  Prof.  Wilke  and  not  the  Jewish  professor. 
He  would  please  me  a  great  deal  better.  They  were 
all  so  awfully  smart!  Before  we  left  a  lieutenant 
brought  in  a  huge  bunch  of  roses,  and  the  officers 
gave  a  rose  to  each  member  of  the  staff,  the  ladies  I 
mean.  Then  something  awfully  funny  happened. 
There  is  a  girl  in  the  Sixth  who  looks  quite  old,  as  if 
she  might  be  24,  and  "our"  lieutenant  offered  her  a  rose 
too.  And  then  she  said:  "No  thank  you,  I  am  not 
one  of  the  staff,  I'm  in  the  Sixth."  Everyone  burst 
out  laughing,  and  she  was  quite  abashed  because  the 
lieutenant  had  taken  her  for  one  of  the  staff.  And 
the  Herr  Rel.  Prof,  said  to  her:     "Tschapperl,  you 


208  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

might  just  as  well  have  taken  it."  But  really  she 
was  quite  right  to  refuse.  I  think  there  must  have 
been  20  officers  at  least.  Of  course  Hella  told  the 
lieutenant  that  she  was  a  colonel's  daughter.  I  won- 
der if  we  shall  ever  see  him  again. 

I  am  writing  this  four  days  after  the  outing.  Dora 
told  me  yesterday  that  when  I  was  dancing  with  the 
lieutenant  the  Herr  Rel.  Prof,  said  to  the  Frau  Direk- 
torin:  "Do  just  look  at  that  young  Lainer;  little 
rogue,  see  what  eyes  she's  making."  Making  eyes, 
forsooth!  I  did  not  make  eyes,  besides,  what  does 
it  mean  anyhow  to  make  eyes ! !  Of  course  I  did 
not  shut  my  eyes;  if  I  had  I  should  probably  have 
fallen  down,  and  then  everyone  would  have  laughed. 
And  I  don't  like  being  laughed  at.  I  hardly  saw 
Dora  all  through  the  outing,  and  she  did  not  dance. 
She  said  very  cuttingly:  "Of  course  not,  for  after  all 
we  are  in  mourning,  even  if  we  did  wear  white  dresses; 
you  are  only  a  child,  for  whom  that  sort  of  thing 
does  not  matter."  That  sort  of  thing,  as  if  I  had  done 
something  dreadful!  I  don't  love  Mother  any  the 
less,  and  I  don't  forget  her.  Father  was  quite  differ- 
ent; the  day  before  yesterday  evening  he  said:  "So 
my  little  witch  has  made  a  conquest ;  you're  beginning 
early.  But  it's  no  good  taking  up  with  an  officer, 
little  witch,  they're  too  expensive."  But  I  would  like 
to  have  the  lieutenant,  I  would  go  up  with  him  in 
an  aeroplane,  up,  up,  till  we  both  got  quite  giddy. 
In  the  religion  lesson  yesterday,  when  the  Herr  Prof, 
came  in  he  laughed  like  anything  and  said:  "Hullo, 
Lainer,  is  the  world  still  spinning  round  you?  The 
Herr  Leutnant  has  not  been  able  to  sleep  since." 
So  I  suppose  he  knows  him.  Still,  I'm  quite  sure 
that  he  has  not  lost  his  sleep  on  my  account,  though 
very  likely  he  said  so.    If  I  only  knew  what  his  name 


THIRD  YEAR  209 

is,  perhaps  Leo  or  Romeo;  yes,  Romeo,  that  would 
suit  him  admirably ! 

June  26th.  When  I  was  writing  hard  yesterday 
Aunt  Alma  came  with  Marina  and  that  jackanapes 
Erwin  who  was  really  responsible  for  all  the  row  that 
time.  Since  Mother  died  we  have  been  meeting  again. 
I  don't  think  Mother  liked  Aunt  Alma  much,  nor  she 
her.  Just  as  Father  and  Aunt  Dora  are  not  particu- 
larly fond  of  one  another.  It  is  so  in  most  families, 
the  father  does  not  care  much  for  the  mother's  brothers 
and  sisters  and  vice  versa.  I  wonder  why?  I  wonder 
whether  He  has  a  fiancee,  probably  he  has,  and  what 
she  looks  like.  I  wish  I  knew  whether  He  likes  brown 
hair  or  fair  hair  or  black  hair  best.  But  about  the 
visit!  Of  course  Marina  and  I  were  very  standoffish. 
She  is  so  frightfully  conceited  because  she  goes  to  the 
Training  College.  As  if  that  were  something  mag- 
nificent! The  High  School  is  much  more  important, 
for  from  the  High  School  one  goes  on  to  the  university, 
but  not  from  the  Training  College;  and  they  don't 
learn  English,  nor  French  properly,  for  it  is  only 
optional.  Aunt  Alma  knows  that  it  annoys  Father 
when  anyone  says  we  don't  look  well,  so  she  said: 
"Why,  Dora  looks  quite  overworked;  thank  goodness 
it's  nearly  over,  and  she  won't  get  much  out  of  it  after 
all,  it's  really  better  for  a  girl  to  become  a  teacher." 
Erwin  lounged  in  his  chair  and  said  to  me:  "Do  you 
dare  me  to  spit  on  the  carpet?"  "You  are  ill-bred 
enough  to  do  it ;  I  can't  think  why  Marina,  the  future 
schoolmistress,  does  not  give  you  a  good  smacking," 
said  I.  Then  Aunt  Alma  chimed  in:  "What's  the 
matter  children?  What  game  are  you  playing?"  "It's 
not  a  game  at  all;  Erwin  wants  to  spit  on  the  carpet, 
and  he  seems  to  think  that  would  be  all  right."  Then 
Aunt  said  something  to  him  in  Italian,  and  he  pulled 


210  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

a  long  nose  at  me  behind  Father's  back,  but  I  simply 
ignored  it;  little  pig,  and  yet  he's  my  cousin!  Kamillo 
is  supposed  to  have  been  just  as  impudent  as  Bub.  But 
we  have  never  seen  him,  for  he  has  been  in  Japan  as 
an  ensign  for  the  last  two  years.  Mourning  does  not 
suit  Marina  at  all ;  there's  a  provincial  look  about  her 
and  she  can't  shake  it  off.  Her  clothes  are  too  long 
and  she  has  not  got  a  trace  of  b  — ,  although  she  was 
17  last  September;  she  is  disgustingly  thin. 

June  27  th.  The  Herr  Insp.  came  to  our  class  to- 
day, in  French  this  time.  Frau  Doktor  Dunker  is 
always  frightfully  excited  by  his  visits,  and  at  the  be- 
ginning of  the  lesson  she  said:  "Girls,  the  Inspector 
is  coming  to-day;  pull  yourselves  together;  please 
don't  leave  me  in  the  lurch."  So  it  must  be  true 
what  Oswald  always  says  that  the  inspectors  come 
to  inspect  the  teachers  and  not  the  pupils.  "At  the 
inspection,"  Oswald  often  says,  "every  pupil  has  the 
professor  in  his  hands."  Being  first,  of  course  I  was 
called  upon,  and  I  simply  could  not  think  what 
"trotteur"  meant.  I  would  not  say  "Trottel"  [idiot], 
and  so  I  said  nothing  at  all.  Then  Anneliese  turned 
round  and  whispered  it  to  me,  but  of  course  I  was 
not  going  to  say  it  after  her,  but  remained  speechless 
as  an  owl.  At  length  the  Herr  Inspektor  said:  "Trans- 
late the  sentence  right  to  the  end,  and  then  you'll 
grasp  its  meaning."  But  I  can't  see  the  sense  of  that; 
for  if  I  don't  know  one  of  the  words  the  sentence  has 
no  meaning,  or  at  least  not  the  meaning  it  ought  to 
have.     If  Hella  had  not  been  absent  to-day  because 

of ,  she  might  have  been  able  to  whisper  it  to 

me.  Afterwards  Frau  Doktor  Dunker  reproached  me, 
saying  that  no  one  could  ever  trust  anyone,  and  that 
I  really  did  not  deserve  a  One.  "And  the  stupidest 
thing    of    all    was    that    you    laughed    when    you 


THIRD  YEAR  211 

did  not  know  a  simple  word  like  that."  Of  course  I 
could  not  tell  her  that  my  first  thought  had  been  to 
translate  it  "Trottel."  Unseen  translation  is  really 
too  difficult  for  us. 

June  28th.  The  Staff  Meeting  is  to-day.  I'm  on 
tenter  hooks  to  know  whether  I  shall  have  a  Repri- 
mand, or  a  bad  conduct  mark  in  my  report.  That 
would  be  awful.  It  does  not  matter  so  much  to  Hella, 
for  her  father  has  just  gone  away  to  manceuvres  in 
Hungary  or  in  Bosnia,  and  by  the  time  he  is  back 
the  holidays  will  have  begun  and  no  one  will  be 
bothering  about  reports  any  more.  So  I  shall  know 
to-morrow.  Oh  bother,  to-morrow  is  a  holiday  and 
next  day  is  Sunday.  So  for  another  2Yi  days  I  shall 
have  "to  linger  in  suspense,"  but  a  different  sort  of 
suspense  from  what  Goethe  wrote  about. 

June  30th.  We  were  at  home  yesterday  and  this 
afternoon  because  of  Dora's  matriculation.  The 
Bruckners  went  to  Breitenstein  to  visit  an  aunt,  who 
is  in  a  convalescent  home,  and  so  I  could  not  go 
with  them.  In  the  evening  we  went  to  Turkenschanz 
Park  to  supper,  but  there  was  nothing  on.  By  the 
way,  I  have  not  written  anything  yet  about  the 
"innocent  child"  at  the  outing.  On  the  boat  she  be- 
gan fussing  round  Hella  and  me  and  wanted  to  push 
into  the  conversation,  indirectly  of  course!  But  she 
did  not  succeed;  Hella  is  extraordinarily  clever  in 
such  matters ;  she  simply  seemed  to  look  through  her. 
Really  I'm  a  little  sorry  for  her,  for  she  hasn't 
any  close  friends  beyond  ourselves;  but  Hella  said: 
"Haven't  you  had  enough  of  it  yet?  Do  you  want  to 
be  cooked  once  more  with  the  same  sauce?"  And 
when  Hella's  hat  fell  into  the  water  and  we  were  still 
looking  after  it  in  fits  of  laughter,  all  of  a  sudden  we 
found  Anneliese  standing  behind  us  offering  Hella  a 


212  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

fine  lace  shawl  which  she  had  brought  with  her  for 
the  evening  because  she  so  readily  gets  earache. 
"Wouldn't  you  like  to  use  this  shawl,  so  that  you  won't 
have  to  go  back  to  Vienna  without  a  hat?"  "Please 
don't  trouble  yourself,  I'm  quite  used  to  going  about 
bare-headed."  But  the  way  she  said  it,  like  a  queen! 
I  must  learn  it  from  her.  She  is  really  shorter  than  I 
am,  but  at  such  moments  she  looks  just  like  a  grown- 
up lady.  I  told  her  as  much,  and  she  rejoined: 
"Darling  Rita,  you  can't  learn  a  thing  like  that;  it's 
inborn."  She  rather  annoyed  me,  for  she  always 
seems  to  think  that  an  officer's  daughter  is  a  thing 
apart. 

July  1st.  Thank  goodness,  everything  has  passed 
off  without  a  public  scandal.  Frau  Doktor  M.  spoke 
to  me  in  the  corridor,  saying:  "Lainer,  you've  had 
a  narrow  escape.      If  certain  voices  had  not  been 

raised  on  your  behalf,  I  really  don't  know ." 

Then  I  said:  "I'm  quite  certain,  Frau  Doktor,  that 
you  alone  have  saved  me  from  a  Bad  Conduct  Mark." 
And  I  kissed  her  hand.  "Get  along,  you  little  bag- 
gage, for  the  one  part  simply  a  child,  and  for  the  other 
with  your  head  full  of  thoughts  which  grown-ups 
would  do  well  to  dispense  with." 

After  all,  one  can't  help  one's  thoughts,  and  we  shall 
be  more  careful  in  future  as  to  the  persons  to  whom 
we  talk  about  that  sort  of  thing.  Here's  another  thing 
I  forgot  to  mention  about  the  outing:  When  we  got 
back  into  Vienna  by  rail,  most  of  the  parents  came 
to  meet  us  at  the  station;  Father  was  there  too,  and 
so  was  the  "innocent  child's"  mother.  Thank  good- 
ness Father  did  not  know  her.  When  we  got  out  of 
the  train  there  was  a  great  scrimmage,  because  we 
were  all  trying  to  sort  ourselves  to  our  parents,  and 
suddenly  I  heard  Hella's  voice:    "No,  Madam,  your 


THIRD  YEAR  213 

child  is  not  in  our  bad  company."  1  turned  round 
sharply,  and  there  was  Hella  standing  in  front  of 
Frau  von  Zerkwitz  who  had  just  asked  her:  "Hullo, 
you,  what  has  become  of  my  little  Anneliese?"  The 
answer  was  splendid;  I  should  never  have  been  able 
to  hit  upon  it;  I  always  think  of  good  repartees  after 
the  event.  It  was  just  the  same  that  time  when  the 
old  gentleman  in  the  theatre  asked  Hella  if  she  was 
alone  there,  and  she  snapped  at  him.  He  said: 
Impudent  as  a  Jewess,  or  an  impudent  Jewess!  It 
was  too  absurd,  for  first  of  all  it's  not  impudent  to 
make  a  clever  repartee,  and  secondly  it  does  not  follow 
because  one  can  do  it  that  one  is  a  Jewess.  So  Hella 
finished  up  by  saying  to  him:  "No,  you've  made  a 
mistake,  you  are  not  speaking  to  one  of  your  own 
sort." 

We  break  up  on  the  6th;  but  because  of  Dora's 
matriculation  we  are  staying  here  until  the  11th. 
Then  we  are  going  to  Fieberbrunn  in  Tyrol,  and  this 
year  we  shall  stay  in  a  hotel,  so  I  am  awfully  pleased. 
Hella  had  a  splendid  time  there  last  year. 

July  2nd.  My  goodness,  to-day  I  have  .  .  .  ., 
no,  I  can't  write  it  plain  out.  In  the  middle  of  the 
Physics  lesson,  during  revision,  when  I  was  not  think- 
ing of  anything  in  particular,  Fraulein  N.  came  in 
with  a  paper  to  be  signed.  As  we  all  stood  up  I  thought 
to  myself:  Hullo,  what's  that?  And  then  it  suddenly 
occurred  to  me:  Aha! !  In  the  interval  Hella  asked 
me  why  I  had  got  so  fiery  red  in  the  Physics  lesson, 
if  I'd  had  some  sweets  with  me.  I  did  not  want  to 
tell  her  the  real  reason  directly,  and  so  I  said:  "Oh 
no,  I  had  nearly  fallen  asleep  from  boredom,  and 
when  Fraulein  N.  came  in  it  gave  me  a  start."  On 
the  way  home  I  was  very  silent,  and  I  walked  so 
slowly    (for    of    course    one    must    not    walk    fast 


214  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

when  .  .  .  )  that  Hella  said:  "Look  here,  what's 
up  to-day,  that  you  are  so  frightfully  solemn?  Have 
you  fallen  in  love  without  my  knowing  it,  or  is  it 
at  long  last  .  .  .  .?"  Then  I  said  "Or  is  it  at  long 
last!"  And  she  said:  "Ah,  then  now  we're  equals 
once  more,"  and  there  in  the  middle  of  the  street  she 
gave  me  a  kiss.  Just  at  that  moment  two  students 
went  by  and  one  of  them  said:  "Give  me  one  too." 
And  Hella  said:  "Yes,  I'll  give  you  one  on  the  cheek 
which  will  burn."  So  they  hurried  away.  We  really 
had  no  use  for  them :  to-day ! !  Hella  wanted  me  to 
tell  her  everything  about  it;  but  really  I  hadn't  any- 
thing to  tell,  and  yet  she  believed  that  I  wouldn't  tell. 
It  is  really  very  unpleasant,  and  this  evening  I  shall 
have  to  take  frightful  care  because  of  Dora.  But  I 
must  tell  Aunt  because  I  want  a  San  —  T — .  It  will 
be  frightfully  awkward.  It  was  different  in  Hella's 
case,  first  of  all  because  she  had  such  frightful  cramps 
before  it  began  so  that  her  mother  knew  all  about  it 
without  being  told,  and  secondly  because  it  was  her 
mother.  I  certainly  shan't  tell  Dora  whatever  hap- 
pens, for  that  would  make  me  feel  still  more  ashamed. 
As  for  a  San  —  T  — ,  I  shall  never  be  able  to  buy  one 
for  myself  even  if  I  live  to  be  80.  And  it  would  be 
awful  for  Father  to  know  about  it.  I  wonder  whether 
men  really  do  know ;  I  suppose  they  must  know  about 
their  wives,  but  at  any  rate  they  can't  know  anything 
about  their  daughters. 

July  3rd.  Dora  does  know  after  all.  For  I 
switched  off  the  light  before  I  undressed,  and  then 
Dora  snapped  at  me:  "What  on  earth  are  you  up  to, 
switch  it  on  again  directly."  "No  I  won't."  Then 
she  came  over  and  wanted  to  switch  it  on  herself;  "Oh 
do  please  wait  until  I've  got  into  bed."  "O-o-h,  is 
that  it,"  said  Dora,  "why  didn't  you  say  so  before? 


THIRD  YEAR  215 

I've  always  hidden  my  things  from  you,  and  you 
haven't  got  any  yet."  And  then  we  talked  for  quite 
a  long  time,  and  she  told  me  that  Mother  had  commis- 
sioned her  to  tell  me  everything  when Mother 

had  told  her  all  about  it,  but  she  said  it  was  better 
for  one  girl  to  tell  it  to  another,  because  that  was 
least  awkward.  Mother  knew  too  that  in  January 
Hella  had  .  .  .  But  how?  I  never  let  on!  It 
was  midnight  before  we  switched  off  the  light. 

July  6th.  Oh,  I  am  so  unhappy,  when  we  went 
to  get  our  reports  to-day  and  said  good-bye  to  Frau 
Doktor  M.,  she  was  awfully  sweet,  and  at  the  end 
she  said:  "I  hope  that  you  won't  give  too  much 
trouble  to  my  successor."  At  first  we  did  not  under- 
stand, for  we  thought  she  only  meant  that  it  is  always 
uncertain  whether  the  same  member  of  the  staff  will 
keep  the  same  class  from  year  to  year,  but  then  she 
said:  "I  am  leaving  the  school  because  I  am  going 
to  be  married."  It  gave  me  such  a  pang,  and  I  said: 
"Oh,  is  it  true?"  "Yes,  Lainer,  it's  quite  true."  And 
all  the  girls  thronged  round  her  and  wanted  to  kiss 
her  hand.  No  one  spoke  for  a  moment,  and  then 
Hella  said:  "Frau  Doktor,  may  I  ask  you  something? 
But  you  mustn't  be  angry!"  "All  right,  ask  away!" 
"Is  it  the  captain  we  met  in  Carnuntum?"  She  was 
quite  puzzled  for  a  minute,  and  then  she  laughed  like 
anything  and  said,  "No,  Bruckner,  it  is  not  he,  for 
he  has  a  wife  already."  And  Gilly,  who  is  not  so 
frightfully  fond  of  her  as  Hella  and  I  are,  said:  "Frau 
Doktor,  please  tell  us  whom  you  are  going  to  marry." 
"There's  no  secret  about  it,  I  am  going  to  marry  a 
professor  in  Heidelberg."  That  is  why  she  has  to 
leave  the  High  School.  It's  simply  ruined  my  holi- 
days. Hella  has  such  lovely  ideas.  The  girls  would 
not  leave  Frau  Doktor  alone,  and  they  all  wanted  to 


216  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

walk  home  with  her.  Then  she  said:  "My  darling 
girls,  that's  impossible,  for  I  am  going  to  Purkersdorf 
to  see  my  parents.  And  then  Hella  had  her  splendid 
idea.  The  others  said:  "Please  may  we  come  with 
you  as  far  as  the  metropolitan?"  and  at  length  she 
said  they  might.  But  Hella  said,  "Come  along,"  and 
we  hurried  off  to  the  metropolitan  before  them  and 
took  tickets  to  Hutteldorf  so  that  we  should  be  able 
to  get  back  in  plenty  of  time,  and  there  we  were  wait- 
ing on  the  platform  when  she  came  and  when  all  the 
girls  came  with  her  as  far  as  the  entrance.  Then 
we  rushed  up  to  her  and  got  into  the  train  which  came 
in  at  that  moment.  Of  course  we  had  second  class 
tickets,  for  Hella,  being  an  officer's  daughter,  mayn't 
travel  third,  and  Frau  Doktor  M.  always  travels  sec- 
ond too.  And  we  all  three  sat  together  on  a  seat  for 
two,  though  it  was  frightfully  hot.  She  was  so  nice 
to  us ;  I  begged  her  to  give  us  her  photograph  and  she 
promised  to  send  us  one.  Then,  alas,  we  got  to 
Hutteldorf.  "Now,  girls,  you  must  get  out."  Then 
we  both  burst  out  crying,  and  she  kissed  us!  Never 
shall  I  forget  that  blessed  moment  and  that  heavenly 
ride!  As  long  as  the  train  was  still  in  sight  we  both 
waved  our  handkerchiefs  to  her  and  she  waved  back! 
When  we  wanted  to  give  up  our  tickets  Hella  looked 
everywhere  for  her  purse  and  could  not  find  it;  she 
must  have  left  it  in  the  ticket  office.  Luckily  I  still 
had  all  my  July  pocket  money  and  so  I  was  able  to 
pay  the  excess  fare,  and  then  for  once  in  a  way  /  was 
the  sharp-witted  one ;  I  said  we  had  travelled  third  and 
had  only  passed  out  through  the  second,  so  we  had  not 
to  pay  so  much;  and  no  one  knew  anything  about  it, 
there's  no  harm  in  that  sort  of  cheating.  Of  course 
we  really  did  go  back  third,  although  Hella  said  it 
would  spoil  the  memory  for  her.    That  sort  of  thing 


THIRD  YEAR  217 

does  not  matter  to  me.  We  did  not  get  home  until 
l/^  past  1,  and  Aunt  Dora  gave  me  a  tremendous 
scolding.  I  said  I  had  been  arranging  books  in  the 
library  for  Frau  Doktor,  but  Dora  had  enquired  at  the 
High  School  at  12,  and  there  had  been  no  one  there. 
We  had  already  gone  away  then,  I  said,  and  had  gone 
part  of  the  way  with  Frau  Doktor  M.,  for  she  was 
leaving  because  of  her  marriage.  Then  Dora  was 
quite  astonished  and  said:  "Ah,  now  I  understand." 
The  other  day  when  she  had  to  go  into  the  room  while 
the  staff  meeting  was  on,  the  staff  was  talking  about 
an  engagement,  and  Fraulein  Thim  was  saying:  "Not 
everyone  has  the  luck  to  get  a  university  professor." 
That  must  have  been  about  her.  Certainly  Thim 
won't  get  one,  not  even  a  school  porter.  To-day,  (I've 
been  writing  this  up  for  two  days),  I  had  such  a  de- 
lightful surprise;  she  sent  me  her  photo,  simply 
heavenly!  !  Father  says  the  portrait  is  better  looking 
than  the  reality.  Nothing  of  the  sort,  she  is  perfectly 
beautiful,  with  her  lovely  eyes  and  her  spiritual  ex- 
pression! Of  course  she  has  sent  Hella  a  photo  too. 
We  are  going  to  have  pocket  leather  cases  made  for 
the  photographs,  so  that  we  can  take  them  with  us 
wherever  we  go.  But  we  shall  have  to  wait  until  after 
the  holidays  because  Hella  has  lost  her  money,  and 
nearly  all  mine  was  used  up  in  paying  the  excess  fares. 
And  such  a  leather  case  will  cost  3  crowns.  Father 
has  some  untearable  transparent  envelopes,  and  I  shall 
ask  him  for  two  of  them.  They  will  do  as  a  make- 
shift. 

Dora's  matriculation  is  to-morrow,  she's  quite 
nervous  about  it  although  she  is  very  well  up  in  all  the 
subjects.  But  she  says  it's  so  easy  to  make  mistakes. 
But  Father  is  quite  unconcerned,  though  last  year  he 
was  very  much  bothered  about  Oswald,  and  poor  dear 


218  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Mother  was  frightfully  anxious:  "Pooh,"  said  Os- 
wald, "I  shall  soon  show  them  that  there's  no  need 
to  bother;  all  one  wants  at  the  matric  is  cheek,  that's 
the  whole  secret!"  And  then  all  he  telegraphed  was 
"durch"  [through]  and  poor  Mother  was  still  very 
anxious,  and  thought  that  it  might  mean  durchgef 'alien 
[failed].  But  of  course  it  really  meant  durchgekom- 
men  [passed],  for  meanwhile  the  second  telegram  had 
come.  And  father  had  brought  two  bottles  of  cham- 
pagne to  Rodaun,  ready  to  celebrate  Oswald's  return. 
There  won't  be  anything  of  the  sort  after  Dora's 
matriculation  because  Mother  is  not  with  us  any  more ; 
oh  it  does  make  me  so  miserable  when  I  think  that 

2*/2  months  ago  she  was  still  alive,  and  now . 

July  9th.  This  morning,  while  Dora  was  having 
her  exam  (she  passed  with  Distinction),  I  went  to 
the  cemetery  quite  alone.  I  told  Aunt  Dora  I  was 
going  shopping  with  Hella  and  her  mother,  and  I 
told  Hella  I  was  going  with  Aunt,  and  so  I  took  the 
tram  to  Potzleinsdorf  and  then  walked  to  the  cemetery. 
People  always  ought  to  go  to  the  cemetery  alone. 
There  was  no  one  in  the  place  but  me.  I  did  not 
dare  to  stay  long,  for  I  was  afraid  I  should  be  home 
late.  It's  a  frightfully  long  way  to  Potzleinsdorf,  and 
it  always  seems  so  much  further  when  one  is  alone. 
And  when  I  came  away  from  the  cemetery  I  took  a 
wrong  turning  and  found  myself  in  a  quite  deserted 
street  near  the  Turkenschanze.  That  sort  of  thing  is 
very  awkward,  and  for  a  long  time  there  was  simply  no 
one  of  whom  I  could  ask  the  way.  Then  by  good  luck 
an  old  lady  came  along,  and  she  told  me  I  had  only 
to  take  the  next  turning  to  get  back  to  the  tram  line. 
And  just  as  I  did  get  there  a  Potzleinsdorf  car  came 
along,  so  I  got  in  and  reached  home  long  before 
Dora.     But  in  the  afternoon  Hella  nearly  gave  me 


THIRD  YEAR  219 

away,  quite  unintentionally.  But  since  they  were  all 
talking  about  the  matriculation  I  was  able  to  smooth 
it  over.  Now  that  Dora  has  finished  her  matriculation 
she  will  have  to  tell  me  a  great  deal  more  about  certain 
things;  she  promised  she  would.  Before  the  matricu- 
lation she  was  always  so  tired  because  of  the  frightful 
grind,  but  that  is  over  now,  and  I  never  do  any  work 
in  the  holidays.  What  are  holidays  for?  Frau  Dok- 
tor  Dunker  has  really  given  me  only  a  Satisfactory, 
it's  awfully  mean  of  her;  and  I  shall  have  to  learn 
from  her  for  three  years  more !  Nothing  will  induce 
me  to  bother  myself  about  French  now,  for  she  has 
a  down  on  me,  and  when  one's  teacher  has  a  down 
on  one,  one  can  work  as  hard  as  one  likes  and  it's 
no  good.  It  was  so  different  with  Frau  Doktor  M. !  ! 
I  have  just  been  looking  at  her  photo  so  long  that  my 
eyes  are  positively  burning;  but  I  had  to  write  up 
about  to-day:  even  when  one  had  been  stupid  once 
or  twice,  she  never  cast  it  up  against  one,  never,  never, 

never the  sweet  angel ! 

July  10th.  We  are  going  to  F.  to-morrow;  I  am 
so  glad.  It  is  frightfully  dull  to-day,  for  Hella  went 
away  yesterday  to  Berchtesgaden  where  she  is  to 
stay  for  6  weeks,  and  on  the  way  back  she  is  going 
to  Salzburg  and  perhaps  Aunt  Dora  will  take  me  to 
Salzburg  for  2  days  so  that  we  can  see  one  another 
again  before  Hella  goes  to  Hungary.  She  is  lucky !  I 
can't  go  to  K —  M —  this  year,  for  we  are  going  to  stay 
in  F.  till  the  middle  of  September.  I  got  my  name  day 
presents  to-day  because  they  are  things  for  the  journey: 
a  black  travelling  satchel  with  a  black  leather  belt, 
and  Yi  a  dozen  mourning  handkerchiefs  with  a  narrow 
black  border,  and  an  outfit  for  pokerwork,  and  a  huge 
bag  of  sweets  for  the  journey  from  Hella.  The  world 
is  a  wretched  place  without  Hella.    I  do  hope  we  shall 


220  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

marry  on  the  same  day,  for  Mother  always  used  to  say: 
"The  most  ardent  girl  friendships  are  always  broken 
up  when  one  of  the  two  marries."  I  suppose  because 
the  other  one  is  annoyed  because  she  has  not  married. 
I  wonder  what  it  will  be  like  at  Frau  Doktor  M.'s 
wedding!  and  I  wonder  whether  she  knows  about 
everything;  very  likely  not,  but  if  not  I  suppose  her 
mother  will  tell  her  all  about  it  before  she  is  married. 
Dora  told  me  yesterday  that  Mother  had  once  said 
to  her:  "A  girl  always  gets  all  sorts  of  false  ideas 
into  her  head;  the  reality  is  quite  different."  But 
that  is  not  so  in  our  case,  for  we  really  know  every- 
thing quite  precisely,  even  to  the  fact  that  you  have 
to  take  off  every  stitch;  oh  dear,  I  shall  never  forget 
it!  — Oswald  is  coming  to  F.  on  the  20th,  for  first 
he  is  going  to  Munich  for  a  few  days. 

July  12th.  It's  lovely  here;  mountains  and  moun- 
tains all  round,  and  we're  going  to  climb  them  all; 
oh,  how  I  am  enjoying  myself!  I  simply  can't  keep 
a  diary;  it  will  have  to  be  a  weekary.  For  I  must 
write  to  Hella  at  least  every  other  day.  We  are  stay- 
ing in  the  Edelweiss  boarding  house;  there  are  about 
40  visitors,  at  least  that's  what  we  counted  at  dinner. 
There  is  a  visitors'  list  hanging  up  in  the  hall,  and 
I  must  study  it  thoroughly.  The  journey  was  rather 
dull,  for  Dora  had  a  frightful  headache  so  we  could 
not  talk  all  through  the  night.  I  stood  in  the  corridor 
half  the  night.  At  one  place  in  Salzburg  there  was 
a  frightful  fire;  no  one  was  putting  it  out,  so  I  sup- 
pose no  one  knew  anything  about  it.  The  boarding 
house  is  beautifully  furnished,  carpets  everywhere; 
there  are  several  groups  of  statuary  in  the  hall.  We 
are  awfully  pleased  with  everything.  There  are  4 
courses  at  dinner  and  two  at  supper.  Flowers  on 
every   table.      Father   says   we  must   wait   and  see 


THIRD  YEAR  221 

whether  they  change  them  often  enough.  Father  has 
a  new  tweed  suit  which  becomes  him  splendidly  for 
he  is  so  tall  and  aristocratic  looking.  We  have  coats 
and  skirts  made  of  thin  black  cotton  material  and 
black  lace  blouses,  and  we  also  have  white  coats  and 
skirts  and  white  blouses,  and  light  grey  tweed  dresses 
as  well.  For  Father  is  really  quite  right :  "Mourning 
is  in  your  heart,  not  in  your  dress."  Still,  for  the 
present,  we  shall  wear  black,  but  we  have  the  white 
things  in  case  it  gets  frightfully  hot.  To-day,  on  a 
cliff  quite  near  the  house,  we  picked  a  great  nosegay 
of  Alpine  roses.  Dora  has  brought  Mother's  photo 
with  her  and  has  put  the  flowers  in  front  of  it;  un- 
luckily I  forgot  to  bring  mine.  I  should  like  to  go 
to  the  top  of  the  Wildeck  or  one  of  the  other 
mountains.  It  would  be  lovely  to  pick  Edelweiss 
for  oneself.  But  Father  says  that  mountaineering  is 
not  suited  to  our  ages.  The  baths  here  always  seem 
very  cold,  only  about  54°  or  60°  at  most.  Dr.  Klein 
said  we  should  only  bathe  when  the  water  is  quite 
warm.  But  apparently  that  won't  be  often.  We  have 
not  made  any  acquaintances  yet,  but  I  like  the  look 
of  the  two  girls  wearing  Bosnian  blouses  at  the  second 
table  from  ours.  Perhaps  we  shall  get  to  know  them. 
One  plan  has  come  to  nothing.  I  wanted  to  talk  to 
Dora  in  the  evenings  about  all  sorts  of  important 
things,  but  it  is  impossible  because  Aunt  Dora  shares 
our  room.  Here's  another  tiresome  thing;  Father's 
room  has  a  lovely  veranda  looking  on  to  the  promen- 
ade, while  our  room  only  looks  into  the  garden.  Of 
course  the  view  is  lovely,  but  I  should  have  liked 
Father's  room  much  better,  only  it  is  a  great  deal  too 
small  for  three  persons;  there  is  only  one  bed  and 
its  furniture  is  of  a  very  ancient  order.  I  do  hate  that 
sort  of  furniture;  the  lady  who  keeps  the  boarding 


222  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

house  calls  it  Empire! !    I  don't  suppose  she  can  ever 
have  seen  a  room  furnished  in  real  Empire  style. 

July  15th.  When  Dora  and  I  were  out  for  a  walk 
yesterday  she  told  me  a  great  deal  about  Aunt  Dora. 
I  never  really  knew  before  whether  Uncle  Richard  was 
employed  in  the  asylum  or  whether  he  was  a  patient 
there;  but  he  is  a  patient.  He  has  spinal  disease  and 
is  quite  off  his  head  and  often  has  attacks  of  raving 
madness.  Once  before  he  was  sent  to  the  asylum  he 
tried  to  throttle  Aunt  Dora,  and  in  another  respect 
he  did  her  a  frightful  lot  of  harm!  1 1  I  don't  quite 
understand  how,  for  Aunt  Dora  has  never  had  any 
children.  And  why  on  earth  do  they  make  such  a 
secret  about  Uncle  Richard?  But  when  I  come  to 
think  of  it,  no  one  ever  wanted  to  talk  about  Mother's 
illness.  There's  no  sense  in  this  secrecy,  for  in  the 
first  place  that  always  makes  one  think  about  things, 
and  secondly  one  always  finds  out  in  the  long  run. 
At  last  Aunt  Dora  was  so  terribly  afraid  of  Uncle 
that  she  always  kept  the  door  of  her  bedroom  locked. 
It  must  be  awful  to  have  a  husband  who  is  a  raging 
maniac.  Father  once  said  to  Dora:  your  Aunt  Dora 
is  enough  to  drive  one  mad  with  her  whims  and 
fancies.  Of  course  he  didn't  mean  that  literally,  but 
I  must  watch  carefully  to  find  out  what  Aunt  really 
does  to  annoy  anyone  so  much.  Most  likely  it  is 
something  connected  with  this  matter.  To  my  mind 
Aunt  Alma  has  many  more  whims  and  fancies,  and 
yet  Uncle  Franz  has  never  gone  raving  mad.  Dora 
says  that  Uncle  Richard  may  go  on  living  for  another 
20  years,  and  that  she  is  frightfully  sorry  for  Aunt 
Dora  because  she  is  tied  to  such  a  monster.  Why 
tied?  After  all,  he  is  in  an  asylum  and  can't  do  her 
any  harm.  Dora  didn't  know  about  all  this  before, 
Aunt  only  told  her  after  Mother's  death.    Dora  thinks 


THIRD  YEAR  223 

it  is  better  not  to  marry  at  all,  unless  one  is  madly  in 
love  with  a  man.  And  then  only  by  a  marriage  con- 
tract! !  In  that  case  that  would  be  excluded.  But  I 
always  imagined  a  marriage  contract  was  made  be- 
cause of  a  dowry  and  money  affairs  generally;  and 
never  thought  of  its  having  such  a  purpose.  Frau 
Mayer,  whom  we  met  in  the  summer  holidays  two 
years  ago,  had  married  under  such  conditions.  But  it 
puzzles  me,  for  if  that  is  what  men  chiefly  want  when 
they  marry,  I  don't  see  how  any  man  can  be  satisfied 
with  a  marriage  contract.  There  must  be  a  mistake 
somewhere.  Perhaps  it  is  different  among  the  Jews, 
for  the  Mayers  were  Jews. 

July  21st.  No,  I  never  should  have  thought  that 
Hella  would  prove  to  have  been  right  in  that  matter. 
I  got  a  letter  8  pages  long  from  Anneliese  to-day. 
That  time  when  Hella  had  to  stay  at  home  for  five 
days  she  believed  that  Anneliese  would  make  fresh 
advances.  But  obviously  she  was  afraid.  So  now  she 
has  written  to  me:  My  own  dear  Rita!  You  are  the 
only  friend  of  my  life ;  wherever  I  go,  all  the  girls  and 
everybody  likes  me,  and  only  you  have  turned  away 

from  me  in  anger.    What  harm  did  I  do  you ? 

After  all,  she  did  do  me  some  harm;  for  there  might 
have  been  a  fine  row  if  it  had  not  been  for  Frau 
Doktor  M.,  that  angel  in  human  form !  She  writes  she 
is  so  lonely  and  so  unhappy;  she  is  with  her  mother 
at  the  Gratsch  Hydropathic  near  Meran  or  Bozen,  I 
forget  which,  I  must  look  it  up  if  I  answer  her.  For 
I  gave  my  word  of  honour  to  Hella  that  I  would  never 
forgive  the  "innocent  child."  But  after  all,  to  write 
an  answer  is  mere  ordinary  politeness,  and  is  far  from 
meaning  a  reconciliation,  and  still  less  a  friendship. 
She  says  that  there  are  absolutely  no  girls  in  Gratsch, 
only  grown-up  ladies  and  old  gentlemen,  the  youngest 
is  32!  brr,  I  know  I  should  find  it  deplorably  dull 


224  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

myself.  So  I  really  will  write  to  her,  but  I  shall  be 
exceedingly  reserved.  She  finishes  up  with:  Listen 
to  the  prayer  of  an  unhappy  girl  and  do  not  harden 
your  heart  against  one  who  has  always  loved  you 
truly.  That  is  really  very  fine,  and  Anneliese  always 
wrote  the  best  compositions;  Frau  Doktor  M.  used 
often  to  praise  them  and  to  speak  of  her  excellent 
stlye,  but  later  she  really  did  not  like  her  at  all.  She 
often  told  her  she  ought  not  to  be  so  affected,  or  she 
would  lose  the  power  of  expression  from  sheer  affecta- 
tion. I  shall  not  write  to  her  immediately,  but  only 
after  a  few  days,  and,  as  I  said,  with  great  reserve. 

July  23rd.  I  got  to  know  the  two  girls  to-day,  their 
names  are  Olga  and  Nelly,  one  is  15  and  the  other  13 ; 
I  don't  know  their  surname  yet,  but  only  that  they 
have  a  leather  goods  business  in  Mariahilferstr.  Their 
mother's  hair  is  quite  grey  already,  their  father  is  not 
coming  until  August  8th.  We  have  arranged  to  go 
for  a  walk  at  4  o'clock  this  afternoon,  to  Brennfelden. 

July  26th.  I  have  made  up  my  mind  to  write  every 
day  before  dinner,  for  after  dinner  we  all  go  with  our 
hammocks  into  the  wood.  After  all  I  wrote  to  An- 
neliese three  days  ago,  without  waiting,  so  as  not  to 
keep  her  on  tenterhooks.  I  have  not  written  anything 
to  Hella  about  it  because  I  don't  know  how  Anneliese 
will  answer.  Hella  says  she  is  having  a  royal  time 
in  Innichen;  but  the  tiresome  thing  does  not  say  just 
what  she  means  by  royal;  she  wrote  only  a  bare  3 
sides  including  the  signature  so  of  course  I  did  not 
write  to  her  as  much  as  usual. 

July  27th.  Dora  is  not  very  much  taken  with  the 
Weiners;  she  thinks  they  are  frightfully  stuck  up. 
She  says  it's  not  the  proper  thing  to  wear  gold  brace- 
lets and  chains  in  the  country,  above  all  with  peasant 
costume.     Of  course  she  is  right,  but  still  I  like  the 


THIRD  YEAR  225 

two  girls  very  much,  and  especially  Olga,  the  younger 
one;  Nelly  puts  on  such  airs;  they  go  to  a  high  school 
too,  the  Hietzinger  High  School;  but  Olga  has  only 
just  got  into  the  Second  while  Nelly  is  in  the  Fifth. 
Dora  says  they  will  never  set  the  Danube  on  fire.  No 
matter,  leave  it  to  others  to  do  that.  We  enjoyed  our- 
selves immensely  on  our  walk.  I'm  going  to  spend 
the  whole  day  with  them  to-day.  Father  says: 
"Don't  see  too  much  of  them;  you'll  only  get  tired 
of  them  too  soon."  I  don't  believe  that  will  happen 
with  the  Weiners. 

July  29th.  It's  my  birthday  to-morrow.  I  wonder 
what  my  presents  will  be.  I've  already  had  one  of 
them  before  we  left  Vienna,  3  pairs  of  openwork 
stockings,  Aunt  Dora  gave  them  to  me,  exquisitely 
fine,  and  my  feet  look  so  elegant  in  them.  But  I  must 
take  frightful  care  of  them  and  not  wear  them  too 
often.  Aunt  says:  "Perhaps  now  you  will  learn  to 
give  up  pulling  at  your  stockings  when  you  are  doing 
your  lessons."  As  if  I  would  do  any  lessons  in  the 
holidays. 


LAST  HALF-YEAR 

AGE  FOURTEEN  TO  FOURTEEN  AND  A  HALF 


LAST  HALF-YEAR 

July  30th.     Thank  goodness  this  is  my  14th! !  ! 
birthday;  Olga  thought  that  I  was  16  or  at  least  15; 
but  I  said:     No  thank  you;  to  look  like  16  is  quite 
agreeable  to  me,  but  I  should  not  like  to  be  16,  for 
after  all  how  long  is  one  young,  only  2  or  3  years  at 
most.    But  as  to  feeling  different,  as  Hella  said  she 
did,  I  really  can't  notice  anything  of  the  kind;  I  am 
merely  delighted  that  no  one,  not  even  Dora,  can  now 
call  me  a  child.    I  do  detest  the  word  "child,"  except 
when  Mother  used  to  say:     "My  darling  child,"  but 
then    it    meant    something    quite    different.      I    like 
Mother's  ring  best  of  all  my  birthday  presents ;  I  shall 
wear  it  for  always  and  always.     When  I  was  going 
to  cry,  Father  said  so  sweetly:     "Don't  cry,  Gretel, 
you  must  not  cry  on  your  14th!  !  birthday,  that  would 
be  a  fine  beginning  of  grown-upness!     Besides  the 
ring,  Father  gave  me  a  lovely  black  pearl  necklace 
which  suits  me  perfectly,  and  is  at  the  same  time  so 
cool;   then  Theodor  Storm's  Immensee,   from  Aunt 
Dora  the  black  openwork  stockings  and  long  black 
silk  gloves,  and  from  Dora  a  dark  grey  leather  wrist- 
band for  my  watch.     But  I  shan't  wear  that  until  we 
are  back  in  Vienna  and  I  am  going  to  school  again. 
Grandfather  and  Grandmother  sent  fruit  as  usual,  but 
nothing  has  come  from  Oswald.     He  can't  possibly 
have  forgotten.    I  suppose  his  present  will  come  later. 
Father  also  gave  me  a  box  of  delicious  sweets.     At 
dinner  Aunt  Dora  had  ordered  my  favourite  chocolate 
cream  cake,  and  every  one  said :    Hullo,  why  have  we 

229 


230  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

got  a  Sunday  dish  on  a  weekday?  And  then  it  came 
out  that  it  was  my.  birthday,  and  the  Weiner  girls, 
who  knew  it  already,  told  most  of  the  other  guests 
and  nearly  everyone  came  to  wish  me  many  happy 
returns.  Olga  and  Nelly  had  done  so  in  the  morning, 
and  had  given  me  a  huge  nosegay  of  wild  flowers  and 
another  of  cut  flowers.  This  afternoon  we  are  all 
going  to  Flagg;  it  is  lovely  there. 

Evening:  I  must  write  some  more.  We  could  not 
have  the  expedition,  because  there  was  a  frightful 
thunderstorm  from  2  to  4  o'clock.  But  we  enjoyed 
ourselves  immensely.  And  I  had  another  adventure: 
As  I  was  leaving  the  dining-room  in  order  to  go  to 
the  .  .  .  . ,  I  heard  a  voice  say :  May  I  wish  you  a 
happy  birthday,  Fraulein  ?  I  turned  round,  and  there 
behind  me  stood  the  enormously  tall  fair-haired  stu- 
dent, whom  I  have  been  noticing  for  the  last  three 
days.  "Thank  you  very  much,  it's  awfully  kind  of 
you,"  said  I,  and  wanted  to  pass  on,  for  I  really  had 
to  go.  But  he  began  speaking  again,  and  said:  "I 
suppose  that's  only  a  joke  about  your  being  14.  Surely 
you  are  16  to-day?"  "I  am  both  glad  and  sorry  to 
say  that  I  am  not,  said  I,  but  after  all  everyone  is  as 
old  as  he  seems.  Please  excuse  me,  I  really  must  go 
to  my  room,"  said  I  hurriedly,  and  bolted,  for  other- 
wise   !  !     I  hope  he  did  not  suspect  the 

truth.  I  must  write  about  it  to  Hella,  it  will  make  her 
laugh.  She  sent  me  a  lovely  little  jewel  box  with  a 
view  of  Berchtesgaden  packed  with  my  favourite 
sweets,  filled  with  brandy.  In  her  letter  she  complains 
of  the  "shortness  of  my  last  letter."  I  must  write  her 
a  long  letter  to-morrow.  At  supper  I  noticed  for  the 
first  time  where  "Balder"  sits;  that's  what  I  call  him 
because  of  his  lovely  golden  hair,  and  because  I  don't 
know  his  real  name.    He  is  with  an  old  gentleman  and 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  2  3 1 

an  old  lady  and  a  younger  lady  whose  hair  is  like 
his,  but  she  can't  possibly  be  his  sister  for  she  is 
much  too  old. 

July  31st.  The  family  is  called  Scharrer  von  Ar- 
neck,  and  the  father  is  a  retired  member  of  the  Board 
of  Mines.  The  young  lady  is  really  his  sister,  and  she 
is  a  teacher  at  the  middle  school  in  Briinn.  I  found 
all  this  out  from  the  housemaid.  But  I  went  about  it 
in  a  very  cunning  way,  I  did  not  want  to  ask  straight 
out,  and  so  I  said:  Can  you  tell  me  who  that  white- 
haired  old  gentleman  is,  he  is  so  awfully  like  my 
Grandfather.  (I  have  never  see  my  Grandfather,  for 
Father's  Father  has  been  dead  12  or  15  years,  and 
Mother's  Father  does  not  live  in  Vienna  but  in  Ber- 
lin.) Then  Luise  answered:  "Ah,  Fraulein,  I  expect 
you  mean  Herr  Oberbergrat  Sch.,  von  Sch.  But  I 
expect  Fraulein's  Grandfather  is  not  quite  so  grumpy." 
I  said:  "Is  he  so  frightfully  grumpy  then?"  And 
she  answered:  "I  should  think  so;  we  must  all  jump 
at  the  word  go  or  it's  all  up  with  us ! "  And  then  one 
word  led  to  another,  and  she  told  me  all  she  knew; 
the  daughter  is  32  already,  her  name  is  Hulda  and  her 
father  won't  let  her  marry,  and  the  young  gentleman 
has  left  home  because  his  father  pestered  him  so.  He 
is  a  student  in  Prague,  and  only  comes  home  for  the 
holidays.  It  all  sounds  very  melancholy,  and  yet  they 
look  perfectly  happy  except  the  daughter.  By  the 
way,  it's  horrid  for  the  Weiners;  Olga  is  13  and  Nelly 

actually  15,  and  their  mother  is  once  more 

I  mean  their  mother  is  in  an  i —  c — .  They  are  both 
in  a  frightful  rage,  and  Nelly  said  to  me  to-day:  "It's 
a  perfect  scandal;"  they  find  it  so  awkward  going 
about  with  their  mother.  I  can't  say  I'd  noticed  any- 
thing myself;  but  they  say  it  has  really  been  obvious 
for  a  long  time;  "the  happy  event! !  will  take  place  in 


232  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

October,"  said  Olga.  It  really  must  be  very  disagree- 
able, and  I  took  a  dislike  to  Frau  W.  from  the  first. 
I  simply  can't  understand  how  such  a  thing  can  hap- 
pen when  people  are  so  old.  I'm  awfully  sorry  for  the 
two  Weiner  girls.  Something  of  the  same  sort  must 
have  happened  in  the  case  of  the  Schs.,  for  Luise  has 
told  me  that  the  young  gentleman  is  21  and  his  sister 
not  32  but  35,  she  had  made  a  mistake;  so  she  is  14 
years  older,  appalling.  I'm  awfully  sorry  for  her  be- 
cause her  father  won't  let  her  marry,  or  rather  would 
not  let  her  marry.  I'm  sure  Father  would  never  refuse 
if  either  of  us  wanted  to  marry.  I  have  written  all 
this  to  Hella;  I  miss  her  dreadfully,  for  after  all  the 
Weiner  girls  are  only  strangers,  and  I  could  never  tell 
my  secrets  to  Dora,  though  we  are  quite  on  good  terms 
now.     Oswald  is  coming  to-morrow. 

August  1st.  A  young  man  has  a  fine  time  of  it. 
He  comes  and  goes  when  he  likes  and  where  he  likes. 
A  telegram  arrived  from  Oswald  to-day,  saying  he  was 
not  coming  till  the  middle  of  August:  Konigsee, 
Watzmann,  glorious  tramp.  Letter  follows.  Father 
did  not  say  much,  but  I  fancy  he's  very  much  annoyed. 
Especially  just  now,  after  poor  Mother's  death,  Os- 
wald might  just  as  well  come  home.  Last  year  he  was 
so  long  away  after  matriculation,  quite  alone,  and 
now  it's  the  same  this  year.  One  pleasure  after  an- 
other like  that  is  really  not  the  thing  when  one's  Mother 
has  been  dead  only  three  months.  The  day  after  we 
came  here  and  before  we  had  got  to  know  anyone, 
I  went  out  quite  early,  at  ]/2  past  8,  and  went  alone 
to  the  cemetery.  It  is  on  the  slope  of  the  mountain 
and  some  of  the  tombstones  are  frightfully  old,  in 
many  cases  one  can't  decipher  the  inscriptions;  there 
was  one  of  1798  in  Roman  figures.  I  sat  on  a  little 
bank  thinking  about  poor  Mother  and  all  the  unhappi- 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  233 

ness,  and  I  cried  so  terribly  that  I  had  to  bathe  my 
eyes  lest  anyone  should  notice  it.  I  was  horribly  an- 
noyed to-day.  A  letter  came  from  Aunt  Alma,  she 
wants  to  come  here,  we  are  to  look  for  rooms  for  her, 
to  see  if  we  can  find  anything  suitable,  Aunt  Alma 
always  means  by  that  very  cheap,  but  above  all  it 
must  be  in  a  private  house;  of  course,  for  a  boarding 
house  would  be  far  too  dear  for  them.  I  do  hope  we 
shan't  find  anything  suitable,  we  really  did  not  find 
anything  to-day,  for  a  storm  was  threatening  and  we 
did  not  go  far.  I  do  so  hope  we  shall  have  no  better 
success  to-morrow;  for  I  really  could  not  stand  having 
Marina  here,  she  is  such  a  spy.  Thank  goodness  Aunt 
Dora  and  Dora  are  both  very  much  against  their 
coming.  But  Father  said :  That  won't  do  girls,  she's 
your  aunt,  and  you  must  look  for  rooms  for  her.  All 
right,  we  can  look  for  them;  but  seeking  and  finding 
are  two  very  different  things. 

August  2nd.  This  morning  we  went  out  early  to  look 
for  the  rooms,  and  since  Dora  always  makes  a  point 
of  finding  what's  wanted,  she  managed  to  hunt  up  2 
rooms  and  a  kitchen,  though  they  are  only  in  a  farm. 
The  summer  visitors  who  were  staying  there  had  to 
go  back  suddenly  to  Vienna  because  their  grandmother 
died,  and  so  the  rooms  are  to  let  very  cheap.  Dora 
wrote  to  Aunt  directly,  and  she  said  that  we  shall  all 
be  delighted  to  see  them,  which  is  a  downright  lie. 
However,  I  wrote  a  P.S.  in  which  I  sent  love  to  them 
all,  and  said  that  the  journey  was  scandalously  ex- 
pensive; perhaps  that  may  choke  them  off  a  bit. 
Owing  to  this  silly  running  about  looking  for  rooms 
I  saw  nothing  of  the  Weiners  yesterday  afternoon  or 
this  morning,  and  of  course  nothing  of  God  Balder 
either.  And  at  dinner  we  can't  see  the  Scharrers' 
table  because  they  have  a  table  in  the  bay  window, 


234  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

for  they  have  come  here  every  year  for  the  last  9  years. 

I'm  absolutely  tired  out,  but  there's  something  I 
must  write.  This  afternoon  the  Weiners  and  we  went 
up  to  Kreindl's,  and  Siegfried  Sch.  came  with  us,  for 
he  knows  the  Weiners,  who  have  been  here  every  year 
for  the  last  3  years.  He  talked  chiefly  to  Dora,  and 
that  annoyed  me  frightfully.  So  I  said  not  a  word, 
but  walked  well  behind  the  others.  On  the  way  home 
he  came  up  to  me  and  said:  "I  say,  Fraulein  Grete, 
are  you  always  so  reserved?  Your  eyes  seem  to  con- 
tradict the  idea."  I  said:  "It  all  depends  on  my 
mood,  and  above  all  I  hate  forcing  myself  on  any 
one."  "Could  you  not  change  places  at  table  with 
your  mother?"  "In  the  first  place,  she  is  not  my 
Mother,  who  died  on  April  24th,  but  my  Aunt,  and  in 
the  second  place,  why  do  you  say  that  to  me,  you  had 
better  say  it  to  my  sister!"  "Don't  be  jealous! 
There's  no  reason  for  that.  I  can't  help  talking  to 
your  sister  when  we're  in  company;  but  I  can  assure 
you  that  you  have  no  occasion  whatever  to  be  jealous." 
I  wish  I  knew  how  I  could  manage  that  change  of 
places,  but  I  always  sit  next  Father;  anyhow  I  would 
not  do  it  directly;  next  week  at  soonest.  Farewell, 
my  Hero  Siegfried,  sleep  sweetly  and  dream  of . 

August  3rd,  Anneliese  wrote  to  me:  You  heart  of 
gold,  so  you  are  able  to  forgive  my  sins  of  youth? 
The  world  shines  with  a  new  light  since  I  received 
your  letter."  I  don't  know  that  my  letter  was  so  for- 
giving as  all  that,  for  all  I  said  was  that  I  was  very 
sorry  she  was  so  lonely  in  Gratsch,  and  that  we  could 
not  alter  the  past,  so  we  had  better  bury  it.  She  sends 
me  a  belated  birthday  greeting  (last  winter  we  told 
one  another  when  our  birthdays  were),  and  she  sends 
me  a  great  pressed  forget-me-not.  She  waited  to 
answer  until  it  had  been  pressed.    I  don't  know  quite 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  235 

what  I  had  better  do.  Big  Siegfried  could  no  doubt 
give  me  very  good  advice,  but  I  can't  very  well  tell 
him  the  whole  story,  for  then  I  should  have  to  tell 
him  why  we  quarrelled,  and  that  would  be  awful. 
I  had  better  write  to  Hella  before  I  answer.  I  must 
write  to-day,  for  it  will  be  quite  three  days  before  I 
can  get  an  answer,  and  then  1  or  two  days  more  before 
Anneliese  gets  the  letter,  so  that  will  be  5  days  at 
least.  It  is  raining  in  torrents,  so  it  is  very  dull,  for 
Father  won't  let  us  sit  in  the  hall  alone ;  I  can't  think 
why.  Generally  speaking  Father's  awfully  kind, 
quite  different  from  other  fathers,  but  this  is  really 
disgusting  of  him.  I  shall  lie  down  on  the  sofa  after 
dinner  and  read  Immensee,  for  I've  not  had  a  chance 
before. 

August  6th.  Well,  the  whole  tribe  arrived  to-day; 
Marina  in  a  dust-grey  coat  and  skirt  that  fits  her 
abominably,  and  Erwin  and  Ferdinand ;  Ferdinand  is 
going  through  the  artillery  course  in  Vienna,  at  the 
Neustadt  military  academy;  he's  the  most  presentable 
of  the  lot.  Uncle  was  in  a  frightful  temper,  growling 
about  the  journey  and  about  the  handbaggage,  I  think 
they  must  have  had  8  or  10  packages,  at  least  I  had 
to  carry  a  heavy  travelling  rug  and  Dora  a  handbag  of 
which  she  said  that  it  contained  the  accumulated  rub- 
bish of  10  years.  Aunt  Alma's  appearance  was  enough 
to  give  one  fits,  a  tweed  dress  kilted  up  so  high  that 
one  saw  her  brown  stockings  as  she  walked,  and  a 
hat  like  a  scarecrow's.  When  I  think  how  awfully 
well  dressed  Mother  always  was,  and  how  nice  she 
always  looked;  of  course  Mother  was  at  least  20  years 
younger  than  Aunt  Alma,  but  even  if  Mother  had  lived 
to  be  80  she  would  never  have  looked  like  that.  Thank 
goodness,  on  the  way  from  the  station  we  did  not  meet 
any  one,  and  above  all  we  did  not  meet  him.     For 


236  A  YOUN G  GIRL'S  DIARY 

once  in  a  way  they  all  came  to  dinner  at  our  boarding 
house.  We  had  two  tables  put  together,  and  I  seized 
the  opportunity  to  change  my  place,  for  I  offered  Aunt 
Alma  the  place  next  Father  and  seated  myself  beside 
the  lovely  Marina,  exactly  opposite !  Any- 
way, Marina  looked  quite  nice  at  dinner,  for  her  white 
blouse  suits  her  very  well,  and  she  has  a  lovely  com- 
plexion, so  white,  with  just  a  touch  of  pink  in  the 
cheeks.  But  that  is  her  only  beauty.  The  way  she 
does  her  hair  is  hideous,  parted  and  brushed  quite 
smooth,  with  two  pigtails.  I've  given  them  up  long 
ago,  though  everyone  said  they  suited  me  very  well. 
But  "snails"  suit  me  a  great  deal  better.  He 
looked  across  at  me  the  whole  time,  and  Aunt 
Alma  said:  "Grete  is  blossoming  out,  I  hope  there's 
not  a  man  in  the  case  already."  "Oh  no,"  said  Father, 
"country  air  does  her  such  a  lot  of  good,  and  when  I 
take  the  children  away  for  a  change  I  don't  forbid 
any  innocent  pleasures."  My  darling  Father,  I  had 
to  keep  a  tight  hand  on  myself  so  as  not  to  kiss  him 
then  and  there.  They  were  all  so  prim,  with  their  eyes 
glued  to  their  plates  as  if  they  had  never  eaten  rum 
pudding  before.  It  is  true  that  Ferdinand  winked  at 
Marina,  but  of  course  she  noticed  nothing.  They  soon 
put  away  their  first  helps,  and  they  all  took  a  second, 
and  then  they  went  on  talking.  When  we  went  to 
our  rooms  I  knocked  at  Father's  door  and  gave  him 
the  promised  kiss  and  said:  "You  really  are  a  jewel 
of  a  Father."  "Well,  will  you,  if  you  please,  be  a 
jewel  of  a  daughter,  and  keep  the  peace  with  Marina 
and  the  others?"  I  said:  "Oh  dear,  I  simply  can't 
stand  her,  she's  such  a  humbug!"  "Oh  well,"  said 
Father,  "it  may  be  a  pity,  but  you  know  one  can't 
choose  one's  parents  and  one's  relations."  "I  would 
not  have  chosen  any  different  parents,  for  we  could 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  237 

not  have  found  another  Father  and  another  Mother 
like  you."  Then  Father  lifted  me  right  up  into  the 
air  as  if  I  had  still  been  a  little  girl,  saying:  "You 
are  a  little  treasure,"  and  we  kissed  one  another 
heartily.  I  really  do  like  Father  better  than  anyone 
in  the  world ;  for  the  way  I  like  Hella  is  quite  differ- 
ent, she  is  my  friend,  and  Dora  is  my  sister;  and  I 
like  Aunt  Dora  too,  and  Oswald  if  I  ever  see  him 
again. 

August  8th.  Oh,  I  am  so  furious!  To-day  I  got 
a  postcard  from  Hella,  with  nothing  on  it  but  "Follow 
your  own  bent,  with  best  wishes,  your  M."  When 
we  write  postcards  we  always  use  a  cipher  which  no 
one  else  can  understand,  so  that  M.  means  H.  It's 
a  good  thing  no  one  can  understand  it.  Of  course  I 
wrote  to  Anneliese  directly,  and  was  most  affectionate, 
and  I  sent  a  postcard  to  Hella,  in  our  cipher,  with 
nothing  more  than:  Have  done  so,  with  best  wishes, 
W.  Not  even  your  W.  I  do  wonder  what  she  will  do. 
Hero  Siegfried  was  lying  with  us  to-day  in  the  hay- 
field,  and  what  he  said  was  lovely.  But  I  can't  agree 
that  all  fathers  without  exception  are  tyrants.  I 
said:  "My  Father  isn't!"  He  rejoined:  "Not  yet, 
but  you  will  find  out  in  time.  However,  anyone  with 
a  character  of  his  own  won't  allow  himself  to  be  sup- 
pressed. I  simply  broke  with  my  Old  Man  and  left 
home;  there  are  other  technical  schools  besides  the 
one  in  Briinn.  And  since  you  say  not  all  fathers ;  well, 
just  look  at  Hulda ;  whenever  anyone  fell  in  love  with 
her  the  Old  Man  marred  her  chance,  for  no  one  can 
stand  such  tutelage."  "Tutelage,  what  do  you  mean," 
said  I,  but  just  at  that  moment  everyone  got  up  to  go 
away.     To-morrow  perhaps,  poor  persecuted  man. 

August  9th.  Oh  dear,  it's  horrible  if  it's  all  really 
true  what  Hella  writes  about  being  infected;  an  erup- 


238  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

tion  all  over  the  body,  that  is  the  most  horrible  thing 
in  the  world.  I  must  tear  up  her  letter  directly,  and 
since  she  could  not  write  8  whole  pages  in  our  cipher, 

1  must  absolutely  destroy  it,  so  that  no  one  can  get 
hold  of  a  fragment  of  it.    Above  all  now  that  Marina 

is  here,  for  you  never  can  tell .    But  I  know 

what  I'll  do;  I'll  copy  the  letter  here,  even  if  it  takes 

2  or  3  days.    She  writes: 

Darling  Rita,  what  did  you  say  when  you  got  yester- 
day's postcard.  If  you  were  angry,  you  must  make  it 
up  with  me.  Consort  with  whom  you  please  and 
write  to  whom  you  please;  but  all  the  consequences 
be  on  your  own  head.  Father  always  says:  Beware 
of  red  hair!  And  I  insist  that  the  "innocent  child" 
has  foxy  red  hair.    But  you  can  think  what  you  like. 

Now  I've  got  something  much  more  important  to 
tell  you.  But  you  must  promise  me  first  that  you  will 
tear  up  my  letter  directly  you  have  read  it.  Otherwise 
please  send  it  back  to  me  wwread. 

Just  fancy.  Here  in  B.  there  is  a  young  married 
woman  living  with  her  mother  and  her  cousin,  a  girl 
who  is  studying  medicine;  they  are  Poles  and  I  have 
always  had  an  enthusiastic  admiration  for  the  Poles. 
The  young  wife  has  got  a  divorce  from  her  husband, 
for  she  was  infected  by  him  on  the  wedding  night. 
Of  course  you  remember  what  being  infected  is.  But 
really  it  is  something  quite  different  from  what  we 
imagined.  Because  of  that  she  got  a  frightful  eruption 
all  over  her  body  and  her  face,  and  most  likely  all 
her  hair  will  fall  out ;  is  it  not  frightful  ?  Her  cousin, 
the  medical  student,  who  is  apparently  very  poor,  is 
there  to  nurse  her.  Our  servant  Rosa  told  me  about 
it,  she  heard  of  it  from  the  housemaid  where  they  have 
rooms.  As  you  know,  one  can't  talk  to  Lizzi  about 
anything  of  that  kind,  and  so  I  did  not  learn  any  more; 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  239 

but  the  other  day,  when  I  went  to  buy  some  picture 
postcards,  I  met  the  three  ladies.  The  young  wife  was 
wearing  a  very  thick  veil,  so  that  one  could  see  noth- 
ing. They  were  sitting  on  a  bench  in  the  garden  in 
front  of  their  house,  and  I  bowed  in  passing,  on  the 
way  back.  They  bowed,  and  smiled  in  a  friendly  way. 
In  the  afternoon  I  had  to  lie  down,  for  I  wTas  feeling 
very  bad  because  of  .  .  .  . !  !  Then  I  suddenly  heard 
some  people  talking  on  the  veranda  just  outside  my 
window  —  the  veranda  runs  all  round  the  house.  At 
first  I  saw  shadows  passing,  and  then  they  sat  down 
outside.  I  recognised  the  soft  voice  of  the  Polish 
student  directly,  and  I  heard  her  say  to  the  wife  of 
the  mayor  of  J.:  "Yes,  my  unfortunate  cousin's  ex- 
perience has  been  a  terrible  one ;  that  is  because  people 
sell  girls  like  merchandise,  without  asking  them,  and 
without  their  having  the  least  idea  what  they  are  in 
for."  I  got  up  at  once  and  sat  down  close  to  the 
window  behind  the  curtain  so  that  I  could  hear  every- 
thing. The  mayor's  wife  said:  "Yes,  it's  horrible 
what  one  has  to  go  through  when  one  is  married. 

My  husband  is  not  one  of  that  sort  but And 

then  I  could  not  understand  what  she  went  on  to  say. 
I  overheard  this  conversation  on  Thursday.  But 
that's  not  all  I  have  to  tell  you.  Of  course  my  first 
thought  was,  if  only  I  could  have  a  talk  with  her; 
for  she  spoke  about  enlightenment  and  although  we 
are  both  of  us  already  very  much  enlightened,  still, 
as  a  medical  student,  she  must  know  a  great  deal 
more  than  we  do,  so  that  we  can  learn  from  her.  And 
since  she  said  that  girls  ought  not  to  be  allowed  to 
run  blindly  into  marriage,  I  thought  she  would  prob- 
ably tell  me  a  little  if  I  went  cautiously  to  work. 
There  was  a  word  which  she  and  the  mayor's  wife  used 
more  than  once,  segsual  and  I  don't  know  what  it 


240  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

means,  and  I'm  sure  you  don't  know  either,  darling 
Rita.  She  said  something  about  segsual  intimacies ; 
of  course  when  people  talk  about  intimacies,  one 
knows  it  has  a  meaning,  but  what  on  earth  does  segsual 
mean?  It  must  mean  something,  since  it  is  used  with 
intimacy.  Well,  let  me  get  on.  On  Saturday  there 
was  a  party,  and  the  medical  student  came,  and  I 
left  my  Alpine  Songs  lying  on  the  piano,  and  some- 
body picked  it  up  and  turned  over  the  pages,  and  the 
word  went  round  that  the  person  to  whom  it  belonged 
must  sing  something.  At  first  I  did  not  let  on,  but 
went  out  for  a  moment,  and  then  came  back  saying: 
I'm  looking  for  my  music  book,  I  left  it  lying  about 
somewhere.  There  was  a  general  shout,  and  everyone 
said:  We've  agreed  that  the  person  to  whom  that 
book  belongs  has  got  to  sing.  Now  I  knew  that 
Fraulein  Karwinska  had  accompanied  the  singing  on 
such  evenings  before.  So  I  said :  I  shall  be  delighted 
to  sing,  provided  Fraulein  K.  will  accompany  me, 
For  you  gentlemen  play  too  loud  for  my  voice.  Great 
laughter,  but  I  had  got  what  I  wanted.  We  were  in- 
troduced, and  I  thought  to  myself:  You  will  soon 
improve  the  acquaintance.  On  Sunday  for  once  in  a 
way  I  got  up  quite  early,  at  Yi  past  6,  for  Fraulein  K. 
can  only  go  out  walking  early  in  the  morning  since  she 
spends  the  whole  day  with  her  cousin.  She  sits  near 
the  Luisenquelle,  so  I  went  there  with  a  book,  and 
as  soon  as  she  came  I  jumped  up,  said  good-morning, 
and  went  on:  I'm  afraid  I've  taken  possession  of 
your  bench.  "Not  at  all,"  she  said,  "Do  you  study 
on  Sundays?"  "Oh  no,  this  is  only  light  reading," 
I  answered,  and  I  made  haste  to  sit  on  the  book,  for 
in  my  hurry  I  had  not  noticed  what  it  was.  But  luck 
was  with  me.  She  sat  down  beside  me  and  said: 
"What    is    it    you    are    reading    that    you    hide    so 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  241 

anxiously?  I  suppose  it's  something  that  your  mother 
must  not  know  about."  "Oh  no,"  said  I,  "we  have 
not  brought  any  such  books  to  the  country  with  us." 
"I  take  it  that  means  that  you  do  manage  to  get  them 
when  you  are  in  town?"  "Goodness  me,  one  must 
try  and  learn  a  little  about  life;  and  since  no  one  will 
ever  tell  one  anything,  one  looks  about  for  oneself  to 
see  if  one  can  find  anything  in  a  book."  "In  the 
encyclopedia,  I  suppose?"  "No,  that's  no  good,  for 
one  can't  always  find  the  truth  there."  She  burst  out 
laughing  and  said:  "What  sort  of  truth  do  you 
want?"  "I  think  you  can  imagine  very  well  what  sort 
of  things  I  want  to  know."  Of  course  one  can  speak 
more  plainly  to  a  medical  student  than  one  can  to 
other  girls,  and  she  was  not  in  the  least  disgusted  or 
angry  but  said:  Yes,  it's  the  same  struggle  every- 
where. Then  I  made  use  of  your  favourite  phrase 
and  said:  "Struggle,  what  do  you  mean?  What  I 
really  want  to  know  about  is  being  infected."  Then 
she  flushed  up  and  said:  "Who's  been  talking  to  you 
about  that?  It  seems  to  me  that  the  whole  town  is 
chattering  about  my  unhappy  cousin.  You  must  see 
that  I  can't  tell  you  that."  But  I  answered:  "If  you 
don't,  who  will  ?  You  study  medicine,  and  are  seeing 
and  talking  about  such  things  all  day."  "No,  no,  my 
dear  child  (you  can  imagine  how  furious  that  made 
me),  you  are  still  much  too  young  for  that  sort  of 
thing."  What  do  you  think  of  that,  we  are  too  young 
at  14^,  it's  utterly  absurd.  I  expect  that  really  her 
studies  have  not  gone  very  far,  and  she  would  not 
admit  it.  Anyhow,  I  stood  up,  and  said:  "I  must 
not  disturb  you  any  longer,"  and  bowed  and  went 
away;  but  I  thought  to  myself:  "A  fig  for  her  and 
her  studies;  fine  sort  of  a  doctor  she'll  make ! " 

What  do  you  think  about  it  all?    We  shall  still 


242  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

have  to  trust  to  the  encyclopedia,  and  after  all  a  lot 
of  what  we  can  learn  there  is  all  right,  and  luckily 
we  know  most  things  except  the  word  segsual.  Next 
winter  I  expect  we  shall  find  it  easier  than  we  used 
to  to  get  to  the  bookcase  in  your  house.  I  don't  bow 
to  the  silly  idiot  any  more. 

But  darling  Rita,  with  regard  to  the  "innocent 
child,"  I  don't  want  to  influence  you  in  any  way,  and 
I  shan't  be  angry  with  you  for  preferring  an  unworthy 
person  to  me !  ! !  Faithless  though  you  are,  I  send 
you  half  a  million  kisses,  your  ever  faithful  friend, 
H.  P.S.  I  have  been  4  days  writing  this  letter;  tear 
it  up,  whatever  you  do ! !  ! 

Now  that  I  have  copied  the  letter,  I  really  can't  see 
why  Hella  wants  me  to  tear  it  up.  There's  nothing 
so  very  dreadful  in  it.  But  there  is  one  thing  I  shan't 
be  able  to  do  for  Hella,  to  help  her  in  looking  up 
things  in  the  encyclopedia.  I  think  I  should  always 
feel  that  Mother  would  suddenly  come  in  and  stand 
behind  us.    No,  I  simply  can't  do  it. 

August  13th.  Through  that  stupid  copying  I  have 
been  prevented  writing  about  my  own  affairs,  although 
they  are  far  more  important.  Last  Wednesday  the 
Society  for  the  Preservation  of  Natural  Beauties  had 
arranged  a  great  excursion  to  Inner-Lahn  in  breaks. 
Dora  did  not  want  to  go  at  first,  but  Father  said  that 
if  it  would  give  us  pleasure,  he  would  very  much  like 
to  go  with  us,  and  Mother  would  be  only  too  delighted 
to  see  that  we  were  enjoying  something  once  more. 
And  two  days  before  the  excursion  Dora  finally  de- 
cided that  she  would  like  to  go;  I  knew  why  at  once; 
she  thought  that  by  that  time  all  the  places  would 
have  been  taken,  and  that  we  should  have  been  told: 
Very  sorry,  no  more  room.  But  luckily  she  had  made 
ft  great  mistake.    For  the  secretary  said:    With  pleas- 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  243 

use;  how  many  places  shall  I  reserve?  and  so  we  said: 
7 ;  namely,  Father,  Dora,  and  I,  Aunt  Alma  (unfor- 
tunately), Marina  (very  unfortunately),  and  the  two 
boys  (no  less  unfortunately).  "That  will  need  an 
extra  conveyance,"  replied  the  secretary,  and  we 
thought  we  should  make  a  family  party.  But  it  was 
not  so:  Next  Dora  sat  a  gentleman  whom  I  had  seen 
once  or  twice  before,  and  he  paid  her  a  tremendous 
amount  of  attention.  Besides  that  there  were  2  strange 
gentlemen,  Frau  Bang  and  her  2  daughters  and  her 
son,  who  is  not  quite  all  there;  opposite  was  Hero 
Siegfried,  a  young  lady  who  is  I  believe  going  on  the 
stage,  the  two  Weiner  girls  and  their  Mother  (not- 
withstanding !  !  ! ) ,  then  I,  and  afterwards  Marina, 
Father,  Aunt  Alma,  and  the  two  boys  opposite.  I 
don't  know  who  made  up  the  other  break-loads.  At  6 
in  the  morning  we  all  met  outside  the  school,  for  the 
schoolmaster  acted  as  our  guide.  I  did  not  know  be- 
fore that  he  has  two  daughters  and  a  son  who  has 
matriculated  this  year.  First  of  all  they  held  a  great 
review,  and  the  gentlemen  fortified  themselves  with 
a  nip  and  so  did  some  of  the  ladies;  I  did  not,  for  I 
hate  the  way  in  which  a  liqueur  burns  one's  throat  so 
that  every  one,  at  any  rate  girls  and  ladies,  make 
such  faces  when  they  are  drinking,  that  is  why  I  never 
drink  liqueur.  I  did  not  care  much  about  the  drive 
out,  for  it  was  very  cold  and  windy,  most  of  us  had 
red  noses  and  blue  lips;  I  kept  on  biting  my  lips  to 
keep  them  red,  for  one  looks  simply  hideous  when 
one's  lips  are  white  or  blue,  I  noticed  that  in  Dora 
when  we  were  skating  last  winter.  Father  went  only 
on  our  account,  and  Aunt  Dora  stayed  at  home  so 
that  Aunt  Alma  could  go.  Marina  wears  "snails" 
now,  the  sight  of  her  is  enough  to  give  one  fits.  Dora 
gets  on  with  her  quite  well,  which  is  more  than  I  can 


244  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

say  for  myself.  Only  when  we  got  out  did  I  notice 
that  Siegfried's  sister,  Fniulein  Hulda,  had  been  sit- 
ting next  the  aspiring  actress.  She  is  awfully  nice, 
and  many,  many  years  ago  she  must  have  been  very 
pretty;  she  has  such  soft  brown  eyes,  and  her  hair  is 
the  same  colour  as  her  brother's;  but  he  has  glorious 
blue  eyes,  which  get  quite  black  when  he  is  angry, 
as  he  was  when  he  was  talking  about  his  father.  I 
should  tremble  before  him  in  his  wrath.  He  is  so  tall 
that  I  only  come  up  to  his  shoulder.  Father  calls 
him  the  red  tapeworm;  but  that's  really  not  fair.  He 
is  very  broad  but  so  thin.  In  Unter-Toifen  we 
stopped  for  breakfast,  eating  the  food  we  had  brought 
with  us;  about  3^  an  hour;  then  the  schoolmaster 
hurried  us  all  away,  for  we  had  quite  10  miles  to 
walk.  The  two  boys  made  a  party  with  other  boys, 
and  we  five  girls,  we  2,  the  2  Weiners,  and  Marina, 
led  the  way.  Aunt  Alma  walked  with  a  clergyman's 
wife  from  Hildesheim,  or  whatever  it  was  called,  and 
with  the  schoolmaster's  wife.  It  was  awfully  dull  at 
first,  so  that  I  began  to  be  sorry  that  I  had  begged 
Father  to  let  us  go.  But  after  we  had  gone  a  few  miles 
the  schoolmaster's  son  and  three  bright  young  fellows 
came  along  and  wralked  with  us.  Then  we  had  such 
fun  that  we  could  hardly  walk  for  laughing,  and  the 
elders  had  continually  to  drive  us  on.  Marina  was 
quite  unrestrained,  I  could  never  have  believed  that 
she  could  be  so  jolly.  One  of  the  schoolmaster's 
daughters  fell  down,  and  some  one  pulled  her  out  of 
the  brook  into  which  she  had  slid  because  she  was 
laughing  so  much.  I  really  don't  know  what  time  we 
got  to  Inner-Lahn,  for  we  were  enjoying  ourselves  so 
much.  Dinner  had  been  ordered  ready  for  us,  and  we 
were  all  frantically  hungry.  We  laughed  without 
stopping,  for  we  had  all  sat  down  just  as  we  had  come 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  245 

in,  although  Aunt  Alma  did  not  want  us  to  at  first. 
But  she  was  outvoted.  I  was  especially  pleased  to 
show  Hero  Siegfried  that  I  could  amuse  myself  very 
well  without  him,  for  he  had  frozen  on  to  the  aspiring 
actress,  or  she  had  frozen  on  to  him  —  I  don't  know 
which,  or  at  least  I  did  not  know  then !  Since  we  were 
sitting  all  mixed  up  everyone  had  to  pay  for  himself, 
and  Father  said  next  day  we  had  spent  a  perfect 
fortune;  but  that  was  not  in  the  hotel,  it  happened 
later,  when  we  were  buying  mementoes.  And  I  think 
Dora  gave  Marina  3  crowns,  so  that  she  could  buy 
some  things  too.  But  Dora  never  lets  on  about  any- 
thing of  that  sort.  I  must  say  I  like  her  character 
better  and  better ;  in  those  ways  she  is  very  like  Mother. 
Well,  our  purchases  were  all  packed  into  two  or  three 
rucksacks,  and  were  kept  for  a  raffle  in  Unter-Toifen 
on  the  way  back.  I  must  have  spent  at  least  7  crowns, 
for  Father  had  given  each  of  us  5  crowns  before  we 
started,  and  I  still  had  a  lot  of  my  August  pocket 
money  left,  and  now  I've  got  only  40  hellers.  After 
we  had  had  dinner  and  bought  the  things  we  lay 
about  in  the  forest  or  walked  about  in  couples.  I  had 
curled  myself  up  for  a  nap  when  some  one  came  up 
behind  me,  and  when  I  sat  up  this  someone  put  his 
hands  over  my  eyes  and  said:  "The  Mountain 
Spirit."  And  I  recognised  his  hands  instantly,  and 
said:  "Hero  Siegfried! "  Then  he  laughed  like  any- 
thing and  sat  down  beside  me  and  said:  "You  were 
enjoying  yourself  so  much  this  morning  that  you  had 
not  even  a  glance  to  spare  for  me."  "Contrariwise 
(I've  got  that  from  Dora),  I  never  foist  myself  on 
anyone,  and  never  hang  around  anyone's  neck."  Then 
he  wanted  to  put  his  arm  round  my  waist  (and  prob- 
ably, most  probably,  he  would  have  kissed  me),  but 
I  sprang  to  my  feet  and  called  Dora  or  rather  Thea, 


246  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

for  before  the  gentlemen  we  pretend  that  we  never 
call  one  another  anything  but  Thea  and  Rita.  Father 
says  that  that  is  awfully  silly,  and  no  longer  suitable 
for  Dora  (but  of  course  it  was  alright  for  me! ),  but 
we  keep  to  our  arrangement.  Then  he  raised  my  hand 
to  his  lips  and  said:  "Don't  call!"  But  Dora  came 
up,  and  with  her  the  gentleman  with  the  pincenez, 
who  is  a  doctor  of  law  belonging  to  the  District  Court 
of  Innsbruck,  and  Marina  and  one  of  the  young  men, 
and  I  asked,  "I  say,  when  are  we  going  to  have  tea?" 
"Just  fancy,  she  is  hungry  again  already,"  they  all 
said,  and  laughed  like  anything.  And  Dora  looked 
frightfully  happy.  She  was  wearing  an  edelweiss  but- 
tonhole which  she  had  not  been  wearing  before;  in 
the  evening  she  told  me  that  Dr.  P.  had  given  it  her. 
If  possible  he  is  even  taller  than  Hero  Siegfried,  for 
Dora  is  taller  than  I  am  and  her  head  only  comes  up 
to  his  ear.  At  3  o'clock  the  last  party  came  up  to  the 
belvedere,  we  had  got  there  earlier.  The  view  was 
lovely.  But  I  must  say  I  can  enjoy  a  fine  view  much 
better  when  I  am  alone,  that  is  with  Father  or  quite  a 
few  persons ;  it  is  no  good  when  there's  such  a  crowd ; 
each  additional  person  seems  to  take  something  more 
away.  In  a  lovely  place  and  at  the  cemetery  one  must 
be  alone.  For  a  beautiful  view  usually  makes  one  feel 
frightfully  sad,  and  one  ought  not  to  have  been  laugh- 
ing so  much  just  before,  or  laugh  directly  afterwards. 
If  I  were  alone  in  Inner-Lahn  I'm  sure  I  should  be- 
come melancholy,  for  it  is  so  gloriously  beautiful 
there. 

At  4  o'clock,  after  tea,  we  started  back,  for  the 
schoolmaster  thought  the  descent  would  not  take  more 
than  two  hours  and  a  half,  but  we  needed  more  than 
three.  For  we  were  all  very  tired,  and  a  great  many 
of  them  had  sore  feet,  especially  Aunt  Alma !    We  had 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  247 

said  before,  that  it  would  be  too  much  for  Aunt;  but 
she  had  to  come  with  us  to  take  care  of  Marina,  though 
Marina  enjoyed  herself  extremely  with  a  Herr  Furt- 
ner,  who  is  studying  mining  like  Oswald,  not  in  Leo- 
ben  but  in  Germany.  One  does  not  really  find  out 
what  a  girl  is  like  until  one  sees  how  she  behaves  with 
a  man,  or  what  she  is  like  when  one  talks  to  her  about 
certain  things;  as  for  the  last,  of  course  that's  impos- 
sible with  Marina  since  the  experience  we  had.  But 
anyhow  she  is  nicer  than  one  would  have  thought  at 
first  sight.  It  was  lovely  on  the  way  home.  Driving 
back  from  Unter-Toifen  we  sat  quite  differently. 

In  our  break,  instead  of  the  Weiners,  there  were 
three  students  from  Munich,  they  were  awfully  nice, 
and  we  sang  all  the  songs  we  knew;  especially  "Hoch 
vom  Dachstein,  wo  der  Aar  nur  haust,"  and  "Forelle," 
and  "Wo  mein  Schatz  ist,"  were  lovely,  and  the  people 
in  two  different  breaks  sang  together.  And  then  some 
of  them  sang  some  Alpine  songs  and  yodelled  till  the 
hills  echoed.  Two  or  three  of  the  men  in  the  third 
break  were  rather  tipsy  and  Hero  Siegfried!  !  was  one 
of  them.  Aunt  Alma  had  a  frightful  headache ;  it  was 
utterly  idiotic  for  her  to  come,  and  we  did  not  know 
yet  what  was  still  to  happen.  At  every  house  from 
which  a  girl  had  come  there  was  a  serenade.  And 
next  evening  there  was  to  be  a  great  raffle  of  the  mem- 
entoes we  had  bought,  but  Father  would  not  let  us 
go  to  that. 

August  14th.  It  is  desperately  dull.  I  don't 
know  what  on  earth  to  do,  so  I  am  writing  my  diary. 
Besides,  I  have  not  written  about  the  row  yet.  The 
next  afternoon  Aunt  Alma  came  just  as  we  were  going 
out  and  said  to  Father:  Ernst,  please  let  me  have 
a  word  with  you.  Now  we  all  know  Aunt  Alma's  let 
me  have  a  word  with  you.     In  plain  language  it 


248  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

means :  I'm  going  to  make  a  scene.  She  began :  Ernst, 
you  know  I  never  like  these  big  parties  with  a  lot  of 
strangers,  for  no  good  can  come  of  them.  Still,  I  made 
up  my  mind  to  go  for  the  sake  of  the  children,  and 
chiefly  for  the  sake  of  your  motherless  children.  (No- 
body asked  her  to ;  and  Aunt  Dora  had  to  stay  at  home 
on  her  account.)  Do  you  know  what  sort  of  people 
were  in  our  company?  That  impudent  young  student 
whom  Gretel  is  always  running  after  (did  you  ever 
hear  anything  like  it!  I  should  like  to  know  when 
I  ran  after  him;  I  suppose  in  the  wood  I  put  my  arm 
round  his  waist,  and  I  suppose  that  it  was  /  who  began 
the  acquaintance  on  my  birthday)  and  that  girl  who's 
training  for  the  stage  did  not  come  home  after  the 
excursion  till  the  night  was  half  over.  God  knows 
where  they  were!  They  were  certainly  no  cleaner 
when  they  got  home.  (Naturally,  for  where  could 
they  have  had  a  wash.)  His  father  gave  the  young 
blackguard  a  fine  talking  to,  but  of  course  the  girl's 
mother  takes  her  side.  It  would  positively  kill  me  to 
think  of  my  Marina  doing  anything  of  the  kind." 
Father  was  able  to  get  a  word  in  at  last :  "But  my  dear 
Alma,  what  has  all  this  to  do  with  my  girls  ?  As  far  as 
I  know  these  two  people  weren't  in  our  break,  isn't  that 
so  girls?"  I  was  glad  that  Father  turned  to  us,  and  I 
said:  Siegfried  Sch.  and  the  girl  drove  in  the  fourth 
break,  I  saw  them  getting  in.  And  it  was  toute  merae 
chause  where  he  drove  and  with  whom  he  was  driving." 
(Of  course  that's  not  true,  but  I  said  it  was  because  of 
Aunt.)  "Such  language  and  such  a  tone  to  your  own 
Father!"  Directly  she  said  that  Father  was  in  such 
a  passion  as  I  have  never  seen  him  in  before.  "My 
dear  Alma,  I  really  must  beg  you  not  to  interfere  with 
my  educational  methods,  any  more  than  I  ever  attempt 
to  interfere  in  your  affairs."     Father  said  this  quite 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  249 

quietly,  but  he  was  simply  white  with  rage,  and  Dora 
told  me  afterwards  that  I  was  quite  white  too,  also 
from  rage  of  course.  Aunt  Alma  said:  "I  don't  want 
to  prophesy  evil,  but  the  future  will  show  who  is  right. 
Goodbye."  As  soon  as  she  had  gone  Dora  and  I 
rushed  to  Father  and  said:  ''Please  Father,  don't  be 
so  frightfully  angry;  there's  no  reason  why  you 
should."  And  Father  was  awfully  sweet  and  said: 
"I  know  quite  well  that  I  can  trust  you;  you  are  my 
Berta's  children."  And  then  I  simply  could  not  con- 
tain myself,  and  I  said:  "No,  Father,  I  really  did 
flirt  with  Siegfried,  and  in  the  wood  he  put  his  arm 
round  my  waist;  but  I  did  not  let  him  kiss  me,  I  give 
you  my  word  I  did  not.  And  if  you  want  me  to  I'll 
promise  never  to  speak  to  him  again."  And  then 
Father  said:  "Really,  Gretel,  you  have  plenty  of  time 
yet  for  such  affairs,  and  even  if  that  red-haired  rascal 
plays  the  gallant  with  you,  he  is  only  making  himself 
a  laughingstock.  And  you  don't  want  that,  do  you, 
little  witch?"  Then  I  threw  my  arms  round  Father 
and  promised  him  on  my  word  of  honour  that  I  would 
never  speak  to  Siegfried  again.  For  it  really  distresses 
me  very  much  that  he  should  make  himself  ridiculous ; 
and  that  he  should  go  out  walking  half  the  night  with 
that  girl;  such  shamelessness ! 

We  were  so  much  upset  that  we  did  not  go  for  a 
walk,  and  of  course  did  not  go  to  the  raffle.  But  I'm 
frightfully  sorry  about  those  things  I  paid  7  crowns 
for.    I  do  hope  he  did  not  win  any  of  them. 

August  15th.  Just  a  few  words  more.  Early  this 
morning,  as  I  was  going  to  breakfast,  in  the  corridor 
I  met  S.  (it's  a  good  thing  that  is  the  initial  both 
of  his  name  and  of  Strick  [rascal]  as  Father  called 
him)  and  he  said:  "Good  morning,  Fr'aulein  Gretchen. 
Why   weren't   you   at  the   raffle?    Hadn't   you   any 


250  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

share?  —  "Oh  yes,  I  had  bought  7  crowns  worth  for  it, 
but    I    had   no    fancy    for   the    company    I    should 

meet." Why,    what   has   taken    you    all   of   a 

sudden?  They  were  the  same  people  as  at  the  ex- 
cursion!   "Precisely  for  that  reason,"  said  I, 

and  passed  on.  I  think  I  gave  him  what  for,  for  he 
simply  must  have  understood.  Father  is  really  quite 
right,  and  it  is  not  at  all  nice  to  abuse  one's  parents 
to  strangers  as  he  is  always  doing.  I  could  not  say  a 
word  against  my  parents  to  anyone,  although  I'm 
often  frightfully  angry  with  them ;  of  course  not  about 
Mother,  for  she  is  dead.  But  not  even  about  Father; 
I  would  rather  choke  down  the  greatest  injustice.  For 
when  we  had  that  trouble  with  Aunt  Alma  about 
Marina,  I  was  really  not  in  the  least  to  blame,  but  he 
scolded  me  so,  even  while  Aunt  Alma  was  there,  so 
that  I  can  never  forget  it.  But  still,  to  a  stranger,  to 
some  one  whom  I  had  only  just  got  to  know,  I  would 
never  say  a  word  against  anyone  in  our  family;  though 
I  used  to  get  on  so  badly  with  Dora,  I  never  said 
much  against  her  even  to  Hella;  at  most  that  she  was 
deceitful,  and  that  really  used  to  be  so,  though  she 
seldom  is  now. 

August  19th.  It  is  so  filthyly  dull  here ;  I  can't  bear 
the  word  filthy,  but  it's  the  only  one  that's  strong 
enough.  Oswald  is  coming  this  evening,  at  last. 
Thank  goodness.  S.  has  made  several  advances,  but 
I  have  ignored  them.  Let  him  stick  to  his  actress  who 
can  go  out  walking  with  him  half  the  night.  I  really 
should  like  to  know  where  they  went.  In  the  night, 
I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing!     Dora  says  she  took  a 

dislike  to  S.  from  the  first  because  he 

it's  an  absolute  lie! has  clammy!   hands. 

It's  simply  not  true,  on  the  contrary  he  has  such  en- 
trancingly  cool  hands,  I'm  sure  I  must  know  that 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  251 

better  than  Dora.  But  I've  known  for  a  long  time 
that  whenever  anyone  pays  me  attention  Dora  is  un- 
sympathetic, naturally  enough.  By  the  way,  on  Sun- 
day I  got  a  charming  letter  from  Anneliese.  I  must 
answer  it  to-day. 

August  22nd.  Oswald  is  awfully .  nice.  He  did 
not  forget  my  birthday,  but  he  says  that  at  that  time 
he  was  stoney,  in  student's  slang  that  means  that  he 
hadn't  any  money,  and  then  he  could  not  find  any- 
thing suitable,  but  that  he  will  repair  the  omission  as 
soon  as  we  get  back  to  Vienna.  But  I  don't  know 
what  I  should  like.  Oswald  is  going  to  stay  until 
we  all  go  back  to  Vienna,  and  we  are  making  a  few 
excursions  by  ourselves.  That  is  really  the  best  way 
after  all.  I  am  not  much  with  the  Weiners  now,  for 
we  had  a  little  tiff  on  the  big  excursion.  But  Nelly 
is  rather  taken  with  Oswald,  so  she  came  twice  to  our 
table  to-day,  once  about  a  book  we  had  lent  her,  and 
once  to  arrange  for  a  walk. 

August  24th.  It  is  really  absurd  that  one's  own 
brother  can  think  such  a  lot  of  one;  but  if  he  does, 
I  suppose  he  knows.  Oswald  said  to  me  to-day: 
"Gretl,  you  are  so  smart  I  could  bite  you.  How  you 
are  developing."  I  said:  "I  don't  want  anyone  to 
bite  me,"  and  he  said:  "Nor  do  I,"  but  I  was  awfully 
delighted,  though  he  is  only  my  brother.  He  can't 
stand  Marina,  and  as  a  man  he  finds  Dora  too  stupid ; 
I  think  he's  right,  really.  And  I  simply  can't  under- 
stand Dr.  P.,  that  he  can  always  find  something  to 
talk  about  to  Dora.  He  has  hardly  said  10  words  to 
me  yet.    Still,  I  don't  care. 

August  27th.  We  went  up  the  Matscherkogel  yes- 
terday, and  we  had  a  lovely  view.  The  two  boys 
came,  for  they  had  begged  their  father  to  let  them; 
but  of  course  Aunt  Alma  and  Marina  did  not  come. 


252  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Oswald  calls  Aunt  Alma  Angular  Pincushion,  but  only 
when  Father  isn't  there,  for  after  all  she  is  Father's 
sister.  The  Weiners  wanted  to  come  too,  but  I  said 
that  my  brother  was  staying  only  a  few  days  more, 
and  that  this  was  a  farewell  excursion  en  famille." 
They  were  rather  hurt,  but  they  have  made  me  very 
angry  by  the  way  in  which  they  will  go  on  talking 
about  S.  in  front  of  me,  on  purpose,  saying  that  he  is 
engaged  or  is  going  to  be  engaged  to  the  actress  girl 
against  his  father's  will.  What  does  it  matter  to  me? 
They  keep  on  exchanging  glances  when  they  say  that, 
especially  Olga,  who  is  really  rather  stupid.  I  am 
so  sad  now  at  times  that  I  simply  can't  understand 
how  I  could  have  enjoyed  myself  so  much  on  the  big 
excursion.  I'm  always  thinking  of  dear  Mother,  and 
I  often  wear  my  black  frock.    It  suits  my  mood  better. 

August  30th.  I  believe  the  Schs.  are  leaving  to- 
morrow. At  least  the  old  gentleman  said  to  Father 
the  day  before  yesterday:  "Thank  the  Lord,  we  shall 
soon  be  able  to  enjoy  the  comforts  of  home  once  more." 
That  is  what  Hella's  grandmother  used  to  say  before 
they  came  back  from  the  country.  And  to-day  I  saw 
two  great  trunks  standing  in  the  passage  just  outside 
Herr  Scharrer's  room.  Oswald  thinks  the  old  gentle- 
man charming;  well,  there's  no  accounting  for  tastes. 
I  don't  believe  he's  ever  spoken  to  S.,  though  he  is  a 
German  Nationalist  too,  but  of  a  different  section; 
Oswald  belongs  to  the  Sudmark,  and  S.  abused  that 
section  frightfully  when  I  told  him  that  Oswald  be- 
longed to  the  Sudmark. 

August  31st.  He  has  really  gone  to-day,  that  is, 
the  whole  family  has  gone.  They  came  to  bid  us 
goodbye  yesterday  after  supper,  and  they  left  this 
morning  by  the  9  o'clock  train  to  Innsbruck.  And  his 
hands  are  not  clammy,  I  paid  particular  attention 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  253 

to  the  point;  it  is  pure  imagination  on  Dora's  part. 
He  and  Oswald  greeted  one  another  with  Hail !  That's 
a  splendid  salutation,  and  I  shall  introduce  it  between 
Hella  and  me. 

September  2nd.  The  Weiners  left  to-day  too,  be- 
cause people  are  really  beginning  to  stare  at  their 
mother  too  much.  When  Olga  said  goodbye  to  me 
she  told  me  she  hated  having  to  travel  with  her  mother, 
and  whenever  possible  she  would  lag  behind  a  little  so 
that  people  should  not  know  they  belonged  together. 

September  4th.  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing!  ! 
S.  has  come  back,  alone  of  course.  Everyone  is  in- 
dignant, for  he  has  only  come  back  because  of  Ffau- 
lein  A.,  the  actress  girl.  But  Oswald  defends  him 
like  anything.  This  afternoon  Frau  Lunda  said  to 
Aunt  Dora:  "It's  simply  scandalous,  and  his  parents 
certainly  ought  not  to  have  allowed  him  to  come,  even 
if  the  girl's  mother  does  not  know  any  better."  Then 
Oswald  said:  "Excuse  me,  Frau  Lunda,  Scharrer  is 
no  longer  a  schoolboy  who  must  cling  to  his  mother's 
apron-string;  such  tutelage  would  really  be  unworthy 
of  a  full-grown  German."  I  was  so  pleased  that  he 
gave  a  piece  of  his  mind  to  Frau  L.,  for  she  is  always 
glaring  at  one  and  is  so  frantically  inquisitive.  And 
tutelage  is  such  an  impressive  word,  S.  used  it  once 
when  he  was  speaking  of  his  sister  and  why  she  had 
never  married.  Frau  L.  was  furious.  She  turned  to 
Aunt  Dora  and  said:  "Young  men  naturally  take 
one  another's  part,  until  they  are  fathers  themselves, 
and  then  they  hold  other  views." 

September  8th.  Thank  goodness  we  are  going 
home  the  day  after  to-morrow.  It  really  has  been 
rather  dull  here,  certainly  I  can't  join  in  the  paean 
Hella  sang  about  the  place  last  year;  of  course  they 
were  not  staying  in  the  Edelweiss  boarding  house  but 


254  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

in  the  Hotel  Kaiser  von  Oesterreich.  It  makes  a  lot 
of  difference  where  one  is  staying.  By  the  way,  it 
has  just  occurred  to  me.  The  young  wife  who  had 
the  eruption  after  infection  can't  have  been  divorced, 
as  Hella  wrote  me  the  week  before  last;  for  her  hus- 
band has  been  there  on  a  visit,  he  is  an  actor  at  the 
Theatre  Royal  in  Munich.  So  it  would  seem  that 
actors  really  are  all  injected;  and  Hella  always  says 
it  is  only  officers!  She  takes  rather  an  exaggerated 
view. 

September  14th.  We  have  been  back  in  Vienna 
since  the  11th,  but  I  have  been  absolutely  unable  to 
write,  though  there  was  plenty  to  write  about.  For 
the  first  person  I  met  when  I  went  out  on  the  11th  to 
fetch  some  cocoa  which  Resi  had  forgotten,  was  Lieu- 
tenant R.  Viktor,  the  Conqueror! !  Of  course  he 
recognised  me  immediately,  and  was  awfully  friendly, 
and  walked  with  me  a  little  way.  He  asked  casually 
after  Dora,  but  it  is  obvious  that  he  is  not  in  love 
with  her  any  more.  And  it  was  so  funny  that  he 
should  not  know  that  Dora  had  matriculated  this 
year  and  so  would  not  be  going  to  the  High  School 
any  more.  I  did  not  tell  him  that  she  intends  to  go 
on  with  her  studies,  for  it  is  not  absolutely  settled 
yet. 

September  16th.  Hella  came  home  yesterday;  I 
am  so  glad;  I  greeted  her  with:  Hail!  but  she  said, 
"don't  be  silly,"  besides,  it's  unsuitable  for  an  Austrian 
officer's  daughter !  !  !  Still,  we  won't  quarrel  about  it 
after  2  months'  separation,  and  Servus  is  very  smart 
too  though  not  so  distinguished.  She  told  me  a  tre- 
mendous lot  more  about  that  young  married  woman; 
some  of  the  ladies  in  B.  said  that  her  cousin  was  in 
love  with  the  husband.  That  would  be  awful,  for 
then  she  would  get  infected  too;  but  Hella  says  she 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  255 

did  not  notice  anything,  though  she  watched  very 
closely  during  the  fortnight  he  was  there.  He  sang 
at  two  of  the  musical  evenings,  but  she  did  not  see 
any  sign  of  it.  Lizzi  is  engaged,  but  Hella  could  not 
write  anything  about  it,  for  the  engagement  is  only 
being  officially  announced  now  that  they  are  back  in 
Vienna;  her  fiance  is  Baron  G.  He  is  an  attache  in 
London,  and  she  met  him  there.  He  is  madly  in  love 
with  her.  In  August  he  was  on  leave,  and  he  came  to 
B.  to  make  an  offer  of  marriage;  that  is  why  they 
stayed  the  whole  summer  in  B.  instead  of  going  to 
Hungary.  Those  were  the  special  circumstances, 
about  which  Hella  said  she  could  not  write  to  me. 
I  don't  see  why  she  could  not  have  told  me  that,  I 
should  have  kept  it  to  myself;  and  after  all,  Lizzi 
is  19^  now,  and  no  one  would  have  been  surprised 
that  she  is  engaged  at  last.  They  can't  have  a  great 
betrothal  party,  for  Baron  G.'s  father  died  in  July. 
Hella  is  very  much  put  out.  Lizzi  says  it  does  not 
matter  a  bit. 

September  18th.  Lizzi's  betrothal  cards  arrived 
to-day.  It  must  be  glorious  to  send  out  betrothal 
cards.  Dora  got  quite  red  with  annoyance,  though 
she  said  when  I  asked  her:  "Why  do  you  flush  up 
so,  surely  there's  no  reason  to  be  ashamed  when  any- 
one is  engaged!"  "Really,  why  should  you  think  I 
am  ashamed,  I  am  merely  extremely  surprised."  But 
one  does  not  get  so  red  as  that  from  surprise. 

September  19th.  School  began  to-day;  unfortu- 
nately, for  she  has  gone.  And  what  was  the  Third 
is  now  the  Fourth,  and  that  is  detestable,  to  sit  in 
the  classroom  without  her.  Luckily  we  have  Frau 
Doktor  St.  as  class  mistress,  and  she  is  to  teach  us 
mathematics  and  physics  once  more;  Frau  Doktor  F., 
whom  we  used  to  call  Nutling  and  the  Fifth  used  to 


256  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

call  Waterfall  has  gone,  for  she  has  been  appointed 
to  the  German  High  School  in  Lemberg.  For  the 
time  being  we  are  sitting  in  our  old  place,  but  Hella 
says  we  must  ask  Frau  Doktor  S.  to  let  us  have  an- 
other seat,  for  the  memory  of  the  three  years  when 
we  had  Frau  Doktor  M.  might  make  us  inattentive. 
That  is  a  splendid  idea.  In  German  we  have  a  master, 
in  French  I  am  sorry  to  say  it's  still  Frau  Doktor 
Dunker,  whose  complexion  has  not  improved,  and  in 
English  the  head  mistress.  I  am  very  pleased  with 
that,  for  first  of  all  I  like  her  very  much,  and  secondly 
I  shall  be  in  her  good  books  from  the  start  because 
Dora  was  her  favourite.  Of  course  I'm  not  learning 
Latin,  for  it  would  not  interest  me  now  that  Frau 
Doktor  M.  has  gone.  Oh,  and  we  have  a  new  Religion 
teacher,  for  Herr  Professor  K.  has  retired,  since  he 
was  60  already. 

September  21st.  We  have  managed  it.  In  the 
long  interval,  Hella  said  to  Frau  Doktor  St.,  who  was 
in  charge:  "Frau  Doktor,  may  we  venture  to  ask 
for  something?"  So  she  said:  "What,  in  the  very 
first  week;  well,  what  is  it?"  We  said  we  should  like 
to  move  from  the  third  bench  towards  the  window, 
for  we  found  it  very  painful  to  go  on  sitting  where 
we  had  sat  when  Frau  Doktor  M.,  was  there."  At 
first  she  refused,  but  after  a  while  she  said:  "I'll  see 
what  I  can  do,  if  you  are  really  not  happy  where  you 
are."  From  11  to  12  was  the  mathematic  lesson, 
and  as  soon  as  Frau  Doktor  Steiner  had  taken  her 
place  she  said:  "This  arrangement  of  your  seats  was 
only  provisional.  You  had  better  sit  more  according 
to  height."  Then  she  rearranged  us  all,  and  Hella 
and  I  were  moved  to  the  5th  bench  on  the  window 
side;  the  two  twins,  the  Ehrenfelds  got  our  places;  in 
front  of  us  is  Lohr  and  a  new  girl  called  Friederike 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  257 

Hammer  whose  father  is  a  confectioner  in  Maria- 
hilferstrasse.  We  are  awfully  glad  that  we  have  got 
away  from  that  hateful  third  bench  where  she  used 
so  often  to  stand  near  us  and  lay  her  hand  on  the 
desk. 

September  29th.  Professor  Fritsch,  the  German 
professor,  came  to-day  for  the  first  time.  He  is  al- 
ways clearing  his  throat  and  he  wears  gold  spectacles. 
Hella  thinks  him  tolerably  nice,  but  I  don't.  I'm 
quite  sure  that  I  shall  never  get  an  Excellent  in  Ger- 
man again.  Yesterday  the  new  Religion  master  came 
for  the  first  time,  and  I  sat  alone,  for  Hella  being  a 
Protestant  did  not  attend.  He  looks  frightfully  ill 
and  his  eyes  are  always  lowered  though  he  has  burn- 
ing black  eyes.  Next  time  I  shall  sit  beside  Hammer, 
which  will  be  company  for  us  both. 

October  2nd.  We  had  confession  and  communion 
to-day,  and  since  the  staff  will  not  allow  us  to  choose 
our  confessors,  I  had  to  go  to  Professor  Ruppy.  I 
did  hate  it.  I  whispered  so  low  that  he  had  to  tell 
me  to  speak  louder  three  times  over.  When  I  began 
about  the  sixth  commandment  he  covered  his  eyes 
with  his  hand.  But  thank  goodness  he  did  not  ask 
any  questions  about  that.  The  only  one  of  the  staff 
who  used  to  allow  us  to  choose  our  confessors  was 
Frau  Doktor  M.  Really,  she  did  not  allow  it  directly, 
but  when  one  ran  quickly  to  another  confessional 
box,  she  pretended  not  to  notice.  The  Herr  Rel.  Prof, 
gives  frightfully  long  penances;  all  the  girls  who 
went  to  him  took  a  tremendous  time  to  get  through. 
I  do  hope  he  won't  be  so  strict  over  his  examinations, 
or  I  shall  get  an  Unsatisfactory;  that  would  be  awful. 

October  3rd.  Father  was  so  splendid  to-day! 
Aunt  Dora  must  have  told  him  that  I  asked  her  not 
long  ago  whether  Father  was  likely  to  marry  Frau 


258  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Riedl,  whose  husband  died  almost  exactly  the  same 
time  as  Mother,  for  Father  is  guardian  to  her  three 
children.  She  was  here  to-day  with  Willi,  because 
he  has  just  begun  going  to  school.  Dora  and  I  talked 
it  over,  and  she  said  that  if  Father  married  Frau  R., 
she  would  leave  home.  In  the  evening  when  we  were 
at  supper,  I  said:  If  only  Frau  v.  R.  was  not  so  ugly. 
Father,  don't  you  think  she's  perfectly  hideous? 
And  Father  laughed  so  lovingly  and  said:  "You 
need  not  be  anxious,  little  witch,  I'm  not  going  to 
inflict  a  stepmother  on  you."  I  was  so  glad,  and  so 
was  Dora  and  we  kissed  Father  such  a  lot,  and  Dora 
said:  "I  felt  sure  that  you  would  never  break  your 
oath  to  Mother,"  and  she  burst  out  crying.  And 
Father  said:  "No,  girls,  I  did  not  give  any  promise 
to  your  Mother,  she  would  never  have  asked  anything 
of  the  kind.  But  with  grown  girls  like  you  it  would 
never  do  to  bring  a  stepmother  into  the  house."  And 
then  I  told  Father  that  Dora  would  have  gone  away 
from  home,  and  as  for  me,  I  should  certainly  have 
been  frightfully  upset.  For  if  Father  really  wanted 
to  marry  again  /  should  have  to  put  up  with  it;  and 
so  would  Dora.  But  Father  said  once  more:  "Don't 
worry,  I  certainly  shan't  marry  again."  And  I  said: 
"Not  even  Aunt  Dora?"     And  he  said:     "Oh,  as 

for  her "   And  then  he  pulled  himself  up  and 

said:  "No,  no,  not  even  Aunt  Dora."  Dora  has  just 
told  me  that  I  am  a  perfect  idiot,  for  surely  I  must 
know  that  Father  is  not  particularly  charmed  by 
Aunt.  And  then  she  blamed  me  for  having  told 
Father  that  she  would  leave  home  if  he  were  to  marry 
again.  I  am  a  child  to  whom  it  is  impossible  to 
entrust  any  secrets !  !  Now  we  have  been  quarrelling 
for  at  least  %  of  an  hour,  so  it  is  already  Y?  past  11. 
Luckily    to-morrow    is    a    holiday,    because    of    the 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  259 

Emperor's  birthday.  But  I  am  so  glad  to  know  for 
certain  that  Father  is  not  going  to  marry  Frau  v.  R. 
I  could  never  get  on  with  a  stepmother. 

October  9th.  It's  horribly  difficult  in  German  this 
year.  In  composition  we  are  not  allowed  to  make 
any  rough  notes,  we  have  to  write  it  straight  off  and 
then  hand  it  in.  I  simply  can't.  Professor  Fritsch 
is  very  handsome,  but  the  girls  are  terribly  afraid  of 
him  for  he  is  so  strict.  His  wife  is  in  an  asylum 
and  his  children  live  with  his  mother.  He  has  got 
a  divorce  from  his  wife,  and  since  he  has  the  luck  to 
be  a  Protestant  he  can  marry  again  if  he  wants  to. 
Hella  is  perfectly  fascinated  by  him,  but  I'm  not  in 
the  least.  For  I  always  think  of  Prof.  W.  in  the 
Second,  and  that's  enough  for  me.  I'm  not  going 
to  fall  in  love  with  any  more  professors.  In  the  Train- 
ing College,  where  Marina  is  now,  in  her  fourth  year, 
one  of  the  professors  last  year  married  a  former  pupil. 
I  would  not  do  that  at  any  price,  marry  a  former 
professor,  who  knows  all  one's  faults.  Besides,  he 
must  be  at  least  12  or  20  years  older  than  the  girl; 
and  that's  perfectly  horrible,  one  might  as  well  marry 
one's  father;  he  would  be  at  least  fond  of  her,  and 
she  would  at  least  know  the  way  he  likes  to  have 
everything  done ;  but  to  marry  one's  former  professor, 
what  an  extraordinary  thing  to  do! 

October  15th.  I'm  frightfully  anxious  that  Hella 
may  have  a  relapse;  she  says  that  nothing  would 
induce  her  to  have  a  second  operation,  especially  now 

that ;  she  says  she  would  rather  die.    That 

would  be  awful!  I  did  my  best  to  persuade  her  to 
tell  her  mother  that  she  has  such  pain;  but  she 
won't. 

October  19th.  In  November,  Hella's  father  will 
be  made  a  general  and  will  be  stationed  in  Cracow. 


260  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Thank  goodness  she  is  going  to  stay  here  with  her 
grandmother  until  she  leaves  the  Lyz.  She  will  only 
go  to  Cracow  at  Christmas  and  Easter  and  in  the 
summer  holidays.  She  is  frantically  delighted.  The 
good  news  has  made  her  quite  well  again.  Everyone 
at  school  is  very  proud  that  there  will  be  a  general's 
daughter  in  our  class.  It's  true  that  there  is  a  field- 
marshal's  daughter  in  the  Third,  but  he  is  retired. 
Father  always  says:  Nobody  makes  any  fuss  over  a 
retired  officer. 

October  22nd.  We  are  so  much  excited  that  we've 
hardly  any  time  tc  learn  our  lessons.  At  Christmas 
last  year  some  one  gave  Hella's  mother  several  of 
Geierstamm's  novels.  The  other  day  one  of  them 
was  lying  on  the  table,  and  when  her  mother  was  out 
Hella  had  a  hurried  look  at  it  and  read  the  title  The 
Power  of  Woman! ! !  When  her  mother  had  finished 
it,  she  watched  to  see  where  it  was  put  in  the  bookcase, 
and  now  we  are  reading  it.  It's  simply  wonderful! 
It  keeps  me  awake  all  night;  Signe  whom  he  is  so 
passionately  fond  of  and  who  deceives  him.  We 
cried  so  much  that  we  could  not  go  on  reading.  And 
Gretchen,  the  girl,  to  whom  her  father  is  everything; 
I  can  understand  so  well  that  she  is  always  anxious 
lest  her  father  should  marry  that  horrid  Frau  Elise, 
although  she  has  a  husband  already.  And  when  she 
dies,  oh,  it's  so  horrible  and  so  beautiful  that  we  read 
it  over  three  times  in  succession.  The  other  day 
my  eyes  were  quite  red  from  crying,  and  Aunt  said 
I  must  be  working  too  hard;  for  she  thinks  that  Hella 
and  I  are  studying  literature  together.  Oh  dear,  les- 
sons are  an  awful  nuisance  when  one  has  such  books 
to  read. 

October  24th.  When  I  look  at  Father  I  always 
think  of  the  novel  The  Power  of  Woman;  of  course 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  261 

leaving  Signe  out  of  account.  Hella  hopes  she'll  be 
able  to  get  hold  of  some  other  book,  but  it's  not  so 
easy  to  do  without  her  mother  finding  it  out,  for  she 
often  lends  books  to  her  friends.  Then  there  would 
be  an  awful  row.  We  certainly  don't  want  to  read 
The  Little  Brother's  Book,  the  title  does  not  attract 
us;  but  there's  a  noved  called  The  Comedy  of  Mar- 
riage, it  must  be  splendid;  we  must  get  that  whatever 
happens. 

October  26th.  The  Bruckners  are  going  to  keep 
on  their  flat,  and  Hella's  grandmother  will  come  and 
live  there;  only  the  Herr  General! ! !  is  going  to  C, 
and  of  course  Hella's  mother  too.  Lizzi  will  stay, 
for  she  is  taking  cooking  lessons,  since  she  is  to  be 
married  in  Mid-Lent. 

October  31st.  Hella's  parents  left  to-day;  she 
cried  frightfully,  for  she  did  so  want  to  go  with  them. 
Lizzi  was  quite  unconcerned,  for  she  is  engaged  al- 
ready, and  the  Baron,  her  fiance,  is  coming  at  Christ- 
mas, either  to  Vienna  or  Cracow;  he  does  not  care 
which. 

November  4th.  Some  of  the  girls  in  our  class  were 
furious  in  the  German  lesson  to-day.  One  or  two  of 
the  girls  did  not  know  the  proper  places  for  commas, 
and  Prof.  Fritsch  hinted  that  we  had  learned  nothing 
at  all  in  previous  years.  We  understood  perfectly 
well-  that  he  was  aiming  at  Frau  Doktor  M.,  whose 
German  lessons  were  10  times  or  rather  100  times  better 
than  Professor  F.'s.  And  on  this  very  matter  of 
punctuation  Frau  Doktor  M.  took  a  tremendous  lot 
of  trouble  and  gave  us  lots  of  examples.  Besides, 
whether  one  has  a  good  style  or  not  does  not  depend 
upon  whether  one  puts  a  comma  in  the  right  place. 
The  two  Ehrenfelds,  who  towards  the  end  were  awfully 
fond  of  Frau  Doktor  M.,  say  that  we,  who  were  Frau 


262  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Doktor  M.'s  favourites,  ought  to  write  a  composition 
without  a  single  comma,  just  to  show  him.  That's  a 
splendid  idea,  and  Hella  and  I  will  do  it  like  a  shot 
if  only  the  others  can  be  trusted  to  do  it  too. 

November  6th.  This  year  all  the  classes  must 
have  at  least  two  outings  every  month,  even  in  winter. 
If  that  had  been  decided  in  the  last  school  year,  when 
Frau  Doktor  M.  was  still  there,  I  should  certainly 
have  gone  every  time.  But  this  year,  when  she  has 
left,  we  can't  enjoy  it.  Frau  Doktor  St.  is  awfully 
nice,  but  not  like  Frau  Doktor  M.  Besides,  we  go 
somewhere  with  Father  every  Sunday,  Hella  comes 
with  us,  and  Lizzi  if  she  likes.  As  soon  as  the  snow 
comes  we  are  going  to  have  tobogganing  parties  at 
Hainfeld  or  Lilienfeld. 

December  3rd.  Nearly  a  whole  month  has  passed 
without  my  writing,  but  I  must  write  to-day!  There's 
been  such  a  row  in  the  German  lesson!  !  We  got 
back  the  compositions  in  which  Hella  and  I,  the  2 
Ehrenfelds,  Brauner,  Edith  Bergler,  and  Kuhnelt, 
had  not  put  a  single  comma.  Nothing  would  have 
been  found  out  had  not  that  idiot  Brauner  put  in 
commas  first  and  then  scratched  them  out.  We  had 
agreed  that  if  the  Prof,  noticed  anything  we  would 
say  we  had  meant  to  go  through  them  together  before 
the  lesson,  and  to  decide  where  to  put  in  commas, 
but  that  we  had  had  no  time.  Now  the  silly  fool 
has  given  away  the  whole  show.  He  is  going  to  bring 
the  matter  before  the  staff  meeting.  But  after  all, 
it's  simply  impossible  to  give  6  girls  out  of  25  a  bad 
conduct  mark. 

December  4th.  The  head  mistress  came  to  inspect 
the  German  lesson  to-day.  Afterwards  she  said  that 
she  expected  us  to  make  all  the  knowledge  which 
Frau  Doktor  M.  had  instilled  into  us  for  3  years,  the 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  263 

firm  foundation  of  our  further  development  in  the 
higher  classes.  In  the  English  lesson  she  referred 
to  the  more  restricted  use  of  punctuation  marks  in 
English ;  and  afterwards  we  6  sinners  were  summoned 
to  the  office.  The  whole  school  knew  about  the  trouble, 
and  was  astonished  at  our  courage,  especially  the  lower 
classes;  the  Fifth  and  the  Sixth  were  rather  annoyed 
that  we  in  the  Fourth  had  dared  to  do  it.  The  head 
gave  us  a  terrible  scolding,  saying  that  it  was  an  unex- 
ampled piece  of  impudence,  and  that  we  were  not  doing 
credit  to  Frau  Doktor  M.  Then  Hella  said  very  mod- 
estly: "Frau  Direktorin,  will  you  please  allow  me  to 
say  a  word  in  our  defence?"  Then  she  explained  that 
Prof.  Fritsch  never  missed  a  chance  of  casting  a  slur 
upon  Frau  Doktor  M.,  not  in  plain  words  of  course, 
but  so  that  we  could  not  fail  to  understand  it,  and  that 
was  why  we  acted  as  we  did.  The  head  answered  we 
must  certainly  be  mistaken,  that  no  member  of  the 
staff  could  ever  speak  against  another  in  such  a  way, 
we  had  simply  misunderstood  Prof  Fritsch!  But  we 
know  perfectly  well  how  often  the  Nutling  used  to 
say  in  the  Maths  lesson:  "Don't  you  know  that? 
Surely  you  must  have  been  taught  that."  The  emphasis 
does  it !  !  !  !  !  The  staff  meeting  is  to-morrow,  and  we 
were  told  to  do  our  best  to  make  amends  before  the 
meeting.  The  2  Ehrenfelds  suggested  that  we  should 
write  the  compositions  over  again,  of  course  with  all 
the  commas,  and  should  place  them  on  his  desk  to- 
morrow morning  before  the  German  lesson;  but  all 
the  rest  of  us  were  against  this,  for  we  saw  plainly 
that  the  head  had  changed  colour  when  Hella  said 
what  she  did.  We  shall  make  the  corrections  and 
then  we  shall  all  begin  new  copybooks. 

December  8th.     It  is  3  days  now  since  the  staff 
meeting,  but  not  a  word  has  been  said  yet  about  our 


264  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

affair,  and  in  the  German  lesson  yesterday  the  Prof. 

gave  out  the  subject  for  the  third  piece  of  home  work 

without  saying  anything  in  particular.     I  think  he  is 

afraid  to.    Hella  has  saved  us  all,  for  everyone  else 

would  have  been  afraid  to  say  what  she  did,  even  I. 

Hella   said:     "My  dear  Rita,   I'm  not   an   officer's 

daughter  for  nothing;   if  /  have  not  courage,  who 

should  have?     The  girls  stare  at  us  in  the  interval 

and  whenever  they  meet  us,  though  in  the  office  the 

head  said  to  us:    "I  do  hope  that  this  business  will 

not  be  spread  all  over  the  school."    But  Brauner  has 

a  sister  in  the  Second  and  Edith  Bergler's  sister  is  in 

the  Fifth  and  through  them  all  the  classes  have  heard 

about  it.    I  suppose  nothing  is  going  to  be  said  to  our 

parents  or  something  would  have  happened  already. 

Besides,  to  be  on  the  safe  side,  I  have  already  dropped 

a  few  hints  at  home.    And  since  Dora,  thank  goodness, 

is  no  longer  at  the  school,  it  is  impossible  that  there 

can  be  much  fuss.     It  was  only  at  first  that  we  were 

alarmed,  but  Hella  was  quite  right  when  she  said: 

"I'm  sure  nothing  will  happen  to  us,  for  we  are  in 

the  right" 

December  15th.  A  meeting  with  Viktor!  ! !  Dora 
and  I  had  gone  to  do  our  Christmas  shopping,  and 
we  came  across  him  just  as  we  had  turned  into  Tuch- 
lauben.  Dora  got  fiery  red,  and  both  their  voices 
trembled.  He  does  look  fine,  with  his  black  moustache 
and  his  flashing  eyes!  And  the  green  facings  on  his 
tunic  suit  him  splendidly.  He  cleared  his  throat 
quickly  to  cover  his  embarrassment,  and  walked  with 
us  as  far  as  the  Upper  Market-place;  he  has  another 
six  months  furlough  because  of  throat  trouble;  so 
Dora  can  be  quite  easy  in  her  mind  in  case  she  fancied 

that .     When  he  said  goodbye  he 

kissed  our  hands,  mine  as  well  as  Dora's,  and  smiled 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  265 

so  sweetly,  sadly  and  sweetly  at  the  same  time.  Several 
times  I  wanted  to  turn  the  conversation  upon  him. 
But  when  Dora  does  not  want  a  thing,  you  can  do 
what  you  like  and  she  won't  budge ;  she's  as  obstinate 
as  a  mule!  She's  always  been  like  that  since  she 
was  quite  a  little  girl,  when  she  used  to  say:  Dor 
not !  That  meant :  Dora  won't ;  little  wretch !  such  a 
wilful  little  beast! 

December  17  th.  Yesterday  we  had  our  first  tobog- 
ganing party  on  the  Anninger;  it  was  glorious,  we 
kept  on  tumbling  into  the  snow;  the  snow  lay  fairly 
thick,  especially  up  there,  where  hardly  anyone  comes. 
As  we  were  going  home  such  a  ridiculous  thing  hap- 
pened to  Hella;  she  caught  her  foot  on  a  snag  and 
tore  off  the  whole  sole  of  a  brand  new  shoe.  She  had 
to  tie  it  on  with  a  string,  and  even  then  she  limped  so 
badly  that  every  one  believed  she  had  sprained  her 
ankle  tobogganing.  Her  grandmother  was  frightfully 
angry  and  said:  "That  comes  of  such  unladylike 
amusements!"  Aunt  Dora  was  very  much  upset,  for 
she  had  been  with  us,  but  Father  said :  Hella's  grand- 
mother is  quite  an  old  lady,  and  in  her  day  people 
had  very  different  views  in  this  respect.  I  should  say 
so,  in  this  respect,  Hella  finds  it  out  a  dozen  times 
a  day,  all  the  things  she  must  not  say  and  must  not 
do,  and  all  the  things  which  are  unsuitable  for  young 
girls !  Her  grandmother  would  like  to  keep  her  under 
a  glass  shade;  but  not  a  transparent  one,  for  she  must 
not  be  able  to  see  out,  and  no  one  must  be  able  to  see 
in.    (The  last  is  the  main  point.) 

December  20th.  To-day  was  the  last  German  les- 
son before  Christmas,  and  not  a  word  more  has  been 
said  about  our  affair.  Hella  has  proved  splendidly 
right.  Even  Verbenowitsch,  who  curries  favour  with 
every  member  of  the  staff,  has  congratulated  her,  and 


266  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

so  has  Hammer,  who  is  a  newcomer  and  did  not 
know  Frau  Doktor  M.  By  the  way,  at  1  o'clock  the 
other  day  we  met  Franke;  she  goes  now  to  a  school 
of  dramatic  art,  and  says  that  the  whole  tone  of  the 
place  is  utterly  different,  she  is  so  glad  to  have  done 
with  the  High  School.  She  had  heard  of  the  affair 
with  Prof.  F.  and  she  congratulated  us  upon  our 
strength  of  character,  especially  Hella  of  course.  She 
says  that  the  matter  is  common  talk  in  all  the  High 
Schools  of  Vienna,  at  least  she  heard  of  it  from  a  girl 
at  the  High  School  for  the  Daughters  of  Civil  Servants, 
a  girl  whose  sister  is  at  the  School  of  Dramatic  Art. 
She  is  very  happy  there,  but  she  is  annoyed  that  such 
an  institution  should  still  be  called  a  school;  it's  not 
a  school  in  the  least;  we  would  be  astonished  to  see 
how  free  they  all  are.  She  is  very  pretty  and  has  even 
more  figure  than  she  used  to  have.  She  speaks  very 
prettily  too,  but  rather  too  loudly,  so  that  everyone 
turned  round  to  look  at  us.  She  hopes  that  she  will 
be  able  to  invite  us  to  see  her  debut  in  one  year!!! 
I  should  never  be  able  to  stand  on  a  stage  before  a  lot 
of  strangers,  I  know  I  would  never  be  able  to  get  a 
word  out. 

December  21st.  Hella  is  awfully  unlucky.  The 
day  before  yesterday  she  got  such  bad  influenza  and 
sore  throat  that  she  can't  go  to  Cracow.  She  says 
she  is  born  to  ill  luck;  this  is  the  second  Christmas 
that  has  been  spoiled,  two  years  ago  the  appendicitis 
operation,  and  now  this  wretched  influenza.  She  hopes 
her  mother  will  come  to  Vienna,  but  if  so  her  father 
will  be  left  quite  alone.  And  how  on  earth  shall  we 
get  on,  Christmas  without  Mother,  the  first  Christmas 
without  Mother.  I  simply  don't  dare  to  think  of  it, 
for  if  I  did  it  would  make  me  cry.  Dora  says  too 
that  it  can't  be  a  proper  Christmas  without  Mother.    I 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  267 

wonder  what  Father  will  say  when  he  sees  Mother's 
portrait.  I  do  hope  the  frame  will  be  ready  to-morrow. 
Hella  is  especially  unhappy  because  she  is  not  able 
to  see  Lajos.  Besides,  she  is  madly  in  love  at  the  same 
time  with  a  lieutenant  of  dragoons  whom  we  meet  every 
day  and  who  is  a  count,  and  he  is  madly  in  love  with 
her.  He  knows  that  her  father  is  a  general,  for  when 
her  father  went  to  kiss  the  Emperor's  hand  he  took 
Hella  part  of  the  way  with  him  in  the  motor,  and  she 
was  introduced  to  the  lieutenant  then.  So  now  he 
salutes  her  when  they  meet.  He  is  tremendously  tall 
and  looks  fearfully  aristocratic.  But  what  annoys 
me  with  Hella  is  that  she  invariably  denies  it  when 
she  is  in  love  with  anyone.  I  always  tell  her,  or  if 
she  notices  anything  I  don't  deny  it.  What's  the 
sense  of  it  between  friends  ?  for  example,  the  year  be- 
fore last  she  was  certainly  in  love  with  the  young 
doctor  in  the  hospital.  And  in  September  when  we 
came  back  from  Theben  with  that  magnificent  lieu- 
tenant in  the  flying  corps,  I  made  no  secret  of  the 
fact  that  I  wras  frantically  in  love  with  him.  But  she 
did  not  believe  me,  and  said:  That  is  not  real  love, 
when  people  don't  see  one  another  for  months  and 
flirt  with  others  between  whiles.  That  was  aimed  at 
Hero  Siegfried.  Goodness  me,  at  him!  !  it's  really 
too  absurd. 

December  22nd.  I  am  so  delighted,  Frau  Doktor 
M.,  at  least  she  is  Frau  Professor  Theyer  now,  has 
written  to  me.  I  had  sent  her  Christmas  good  wishes, 
and  she  sent  a  line  to  thank  me,  and  at  the  same  time 
she  wished  me  a  happy  New  Year,  she  took  the  lead 
in  this;  it  was  heavenly.  I  was  frightfully  annoyed 
because  Dora  said  that  she  had  done  it  only  to  save 
herself  the  trouble  of  writing  again;  I'm  sure  that's 
not  true.    Dora  always  says  things  like  that  simply 


268  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

to  annoy  me.  But  her  sweet,  her  divine  letter,  I 
carry  it  about  with  me  wherever  I  go,  and  her  photo- 
graph too.  She  sent  Hella  only  a  card,  naturally,  for 
that  was  all  Hella  had  sent  her.  I  can  quite  well 
fancy  Frau  Doktor  M.  as  a  stepmother,  that  is,  not 
quite  well,  but  better  than  anyone  else.  She  wrote 
so  sweetly  about  Mother,  saying  that  of  course  I 
should  find  this  Christmas  less  happy  than  usual.  She 
is  certainly  right  there.  We  can  none  of  us  feel  as  if 
the  day  after  to-morrow  is  to  be  Christmas  Eve.  The 
only  thing  that  I  really  enjoy  thinking  of  is  the  way 
Father  will  stare  when  he  sees  the  portrait.  But 
really  in  the  first  years  after  such  a  loss  one  ought  not 
to  keep  Christmas,  for  on  such  days  one  feels  one's 
sadness  more  than  ever. 

December  23rd.  I  have  still  a  frightful  lot  to  do 
for  Christmas,  but  I  must  write  to-day.  There  was  a 
ring  at  the  front  door  this  morning  at  about  ^  past  11. 
I  thought  it  must  be  Hella  come  to  fetch  me,  that  she 
must  be  all  right  again,  so  I  rushed  out,  tore  the  door 
open,  prepared  to  greet  Hella,  and  then  I  was  simply 
kerblunxed,  for  there  was  a  gentleman  standing  who 
asked  most  politely:  Is  anyone  at  home?  I  knew 
him  in  a  moment,  it  was  that  Dr.  Pruckmliller  from 
Fieberbr.  Meanwhile  Dora  had  opened  the  drawing- 
room  door,  and  now  came  the  great  proof  of  deceitful- 
ness:  She  was  not  in  the  least  surprised,  but  said: 
"Ah,  Dr.  Pruckmiiller,  I  am  so  glad  you  have  kept 
your  word."  So  it  was  plain  that  he  had  promised 
her  to  come,  and  I  am  practically  sure  she  knew  he 
was  coming  to-day,  for  she  was  wearing  her  best  black 
silk  apron  with  the  insertions,  such  as  we  only  wear 
when  visitors  are  expected.  What  a  humbug  she  is! 
So  I  went  into  the  drawing-room  too.  Then  Aunt 
Dora  came  in  and  asked  him  to  supper  this  evening. 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  269 

Then  he  went  away.  All  the  time  he  had  not  said 
a  word  to  me,  it  seemed  as  if  he  had  not  even  noticed 
that  there  was  such  a  person  as  me  in  the  world. 
Not  until  he  was  actually  leaving  did  he  say:  "Well, 
Fraulein,  how  are  you?"  "Oh  well,"  said  I,  "I'm 
much  as  anyone  can  expect  to  be  so  soon  after  Mother's 
death."  Dora  got  as  red  as  fire,  for  she  understood.  I 
shall  know  how  to  treat  him  if  he  becomes  my  brother- 
in-law.  But  that  may  be  a  long  way  off;  for  he 
lives  in  Innsbruck,  and  Father  is  not  likely  to  allow 
Dora  to  marry  away  to  Innsbruck.  At  dinner  I  hardly 
said  a  word,  I  was  so  enraged  at  this  deceitfulness. 
But  there  is  more  to  come.  At  7,  or  whatever  time 
it  was,  Dr.  Pruckmuller  turned  up.  Dora  appeared 
in  a  white  blouse  with  a  black  bow,  and  had  remained 
in  her  room  till  the  last  minute  so  that  I  might  not 
know  what  she  was  wearing.  For  I  had  believed  she 
would  wear  her  black  dress  with  the  insertions,  and  so 
I  was  wearing  mine.  Oh  well,  that  did  not  matter. 
At  supper  he  talked  all  the  time  to  Dora,  so  I  pur- 
posely talked  to  Oswald.  Then  he  said  that  on  March 
1st  he  was  going  to  be  transferred  to  Vienna.  Once 
more  Dora  was  not  in  the  least  astonished,  so  she  must 
have  known  all  about  it!  But  now  I  remember  quite 
well  that  in  October  the  postman  handed  me  a  letter 
for  her  with  the  Innsbruck  postmark.  So  she  was 
corresponding  with  him  openly  the  whole  time,  less 
than  6  months  after  Mother's  death.  It  really  is  too 
bad!  But  when  I  was  chattering  about  the  country, 
she  kicked  me  under  the  table  as  a  hint  not  to  laugh 
so  frightfully.  And  when  my  brother-in-law  in  spe, 
oh  how  it  does  make  me  laugh,  two  or  three  years 
ago,  in  Goisern  I  think  it  was,  we  used  to  call  Dora 
Inspe,  because  she  had  said  of  Robert  Warth  and 
me:     The  bridal  pair  in  spe!     And  now  she  is  in 


270  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

the  same  position.  When  he  went  away  in  the  evening 
I  was  trembling  lest  Father  should  invite  him  to  the 
Christmas  tree,  but  thank  goodness  when  Father 
asked:  "What  are  you  doing  with  yourself  to-mor- 
row," he  answered:  "To-morrow  I  am  spending  the 
day  with  my  sister's  family,  she  is  married  to  a  captain 
out  Wieden  way."  Thank  goodness  that  came  to 
nothing,  for  we  are  not  at  all  in  the  mood  for  visitors, 
especially  the  first  Christmas  without  Mother.  And 
if  she  knew I  wish  I  knew  what  really  hap- 
pens to  the  soul.  Of  course  I  gave  up  believing  in 
Heaven  long  ago;  but  the  soul  must  go  somewhere. 
There  are  so  many  riddles,  and  they  make  one  so 
unhappy;  in  a  newspaper  feuilleton  the  other  day 
I  saw  the  title  of  a  chapter:  The  Riddle  of  Love. 
But  this  riddle  does  not  make  people  sad,  as  one  can 
see  by  Dora.  Anyhow,  all  girls,  that  is  all  elder  sisters, 
seem  alike  in  this  respect.  I  remember  what  Hella 
told  me  about  Lizzi's  engagement.  It  is  true,  she 
had  first  made  his  acquaintance  in  London,  not  at 
home;  but  there  was  just  the  same  deceitfulness. 
What  on  earth  does  it  mean?  Would  it  not  be  much 
more  kindly  and  reasonable  to  tell  your  sister  every- 
thing? Otherwise  how  can  anyone  expect  one  to  be 
an  ally.  Oh  well,  I  don't  care,  I'm  not  going  to  let 
my  Christmas  Eve  be  disturbed  by  a  thing  like  that; 
if  one  can  call  it  a  Christmas  Eve  at  all.  On  Boxing 
Day,  when  he  is  to  spend  the  evening  here,  I  shall 
tell  Hella  that  I  want  to  come  to  her  and  her  grand- 
mother. After  all,  I  am  glad  she  has  stayed  in  Vienna. 
December  25th.  Christmas  Eve  was  very  melan- 
choly. We  all  three  got  Mother's  picture,  life  size  in 
beautiful  green  frames,  for  our  rooms.  Dora  sobbed 
out  loud,  and  so  I  cried  too  and  went  up  to  Father  and 
put  my  arms  around  him.    His  eyes  were  quite  wet; 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  271 

for  he  adored  Mother.  Only  Oswald  did  not  actually 
cry,  but  he  kept  on  biting  his  lips.  I  was  so  glad  that 
Dr.  P.  was  not  there,  for  it  is  horribly  disagreeable  to 
cry  before  strangers.  We  both  got  lovely  white  guipure 
blouses,  not  lace  blouses,  then  Aunt  gave  me  a  splendid 
album  for  500  postcards,  and  she  also  gave  me  an 
anthology  which  I  had  asked  for.  Brahms'  Hungarian 
Dances,  because  Dora  would  not  lend  me  hers  last 
year  because  she  said  they  were  too  difficult  for  me; 
as  if  that  were  any  business  of  hers ;  surely  my  music 
mistress  is  a  better  judge;  then  some  writing  paper 
with  my  monogram,  a  new  en-tout-cas  with  everything 
complete,  and  hair  ribbons  and  other  trifles.  Father 
was  awfully  delighted  with  Mother's  portrait;  of 
course  we  had  not  known  that  he  was  getting  us  life- 
size  portraits  of  Mother,  and  from  the  last  photograph 
of  the  winter  before  last  we  had  quite  a  small  likeness 
painted  by  Herr  Milanowitz,  who  is  a  painter,  and 
who  knew  Mother  very  well  —  in  colour  of  course. 
And  we  got  a  lovely  rococo  frame  to  close  up;  when 
it  is  open  it  looks  as  if  Mother  were  looking  out  of 
the  window.  That  was  my  idea,  and  Herr  Milanowitz 
thought  it  most  original.  Dora  considered  it  very 
awkward  that  he  would  not  take  any  money  for  it,  but 
it  made  it  possible  for  us  to  get  a  much  more  elegant 
frame.  After  Christmas,  for  New  Year,  we  are  going 
to  send  Herr  M.  some  of  the  best  cigars,  bought  with 
our  own  money,  I  wanted  to  send  them  for  Christmas, 
but  we  don't  know  anything  about  cigars,  and  we 
did  not  want  to  tell  anyone  because  one  can  never 
know  whether  one  won't  be  betrayed  and  you  will  be 
told  it  is  unintentional ;  but  that  is  not  true,  for  when 
one  betrays  anything  one  has  always  secretly  intended 
to  do  so;  and  then  one  says  it  was  a  slip  of  the  tongue; 
but  one  really  knows  all  the  time.    I  can't  write  down 


272  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

all  the  extra  things  that  Dora  got,  only  one  of  them: 
At  7  o'clock  just  when  Father  was  lighting  the  candles 
on  the  tree,  a  commissionaire  brought  some  lovely  roses 
with  two  sprays  of  mistletoe  interwoven  and  beneath 

a  nosegay  of  violets of  course  from  Dr.  P. 

with  a  card,  but  she  would  not  let  anyone  read  that. 
All  she  said  was:  Dr.  P.  sends  everyone  Christmas 
greetings;  I  believe  he  had  really  written:  Merry 
Christmas,"  but  Dora  did  not  dare  to  say  that.  Oh, 
and  Hella  gave  me  a  bead  bag,  and  I  gave  her  a 
purse  with  the  double  eagle  on  it,  for  she  wanted  a 
purse  that  would  have  a  military  look.  I  never  knew 
anyone  with  such  an  enthusiasm  for  the  army  as  Hella ; 
certainly  I  think  officers  look  awfully  smart;  but 
surely  it's  going  too  far  when  she  feels  that  other  men 
practically  don't  exist.  The  others  have  to  learn  a 
lot,  for  example  doctors,  lawyers,  mining  engineers, 
not  to  speak  of  students  at  the  College  of  Agriculture, 
for  perhaps  these  last  "hardly  count"  (that's  the  phrase 
Hella  is  always  using) ;  but  all  of  them  have  to  learn 
a  great  deal  more  than  officers  do;  Hella  never  will 
admit  that,  and  always  begins  to  talk  of  the  officers 
of  the  general  staff;  as  if  they  all  belonged  to  the 
general  staff!  We  have  often  argued  about  it.  Still, 
I  do  hope  she  will  get  an  officer  for  her  husband,  of 
course  one  who  is  well  enough  off  to  marry,  for  other- 
wise it's  no  go;  for  Father  says  the  Bruckners  have 
no  private  means.  It's  true  he  always  says  that  of 
us  too,  but  I  don't  believe  it ;  we  are  not  so  to  say  rich, 
but  I  fancy  we  should  both  of  us  have  enough  money 
for  an  officer  to  be  able  to  marry  us.  Anyhow,  Dora 
voluntarily  renounces  that  possibility,  if  she  is  really 
going  to  marry  Dr.  P. 

27th.    Well,  I  went  to  Hella's  yesterday  and  stayed 
till  9,  and  on  Christmas  Day  she  was  here.    I  see  that 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  273 

I  wrote  above  that  the  Bs.  were  not  well  off;  it  seems 
to  me  to  be  very  much  the  reverse.  We  always  get  a 
great  many  things  and  very  nice  ones  at  Christmas  and 
on  our  birthdays  and  name  days  (of  course  Protestants 
don't  have  these  last),  but  we  don't  give  one  another 
such  splendid  things  as  the  Bs.  do.  Hella  had  been 
given  a  piece  of  rose-coloured  silk  for  a  dress  to  wear 
at  the  dancing  class  which  must  have  cost  at  least  50 
crowns,  and  a  lace  collar  and  cuffs,  which  we  had 
seen  at  the  shop,  and  it  had  cost  24  crowns,  then  she 
had  a  gold  ring  with  an  emerald,  and  a  number  of 
smaller  things  which  she  never  even  looked  at.  And  to 
see  all  the  things  her  sister  got,  things  for  her  trousseau! 
And  the  Bs.  Christmas  tree  cost  12  crowns  whilst  ours 
cost  only  7,  though  ours  was  just  as  good.  So  I 
think  that  the  Bs.  really  have  plenty  of  money,  and 
I  said  to  Hella:  "You  must  be  enormously  rich." 
And  she  said:  "Oh  well,  not  so  rich  as  all  that;  I 
must  not  expect  to  marry  an  officer  on  the  general 
staff.  Lizzi  has  done  very  well  for  herself  for  Paul 
is  a  baron  and  is  very  well  off.  He  is  frantically  in 
love  with  her;  queer  taste,  isn't  it?"  I  quite  agree, 
for  Lizzi  has  not  much  to  boast  of  in  the  way  of  looks, 
beautiful  fair  hair,  but  she  is  so  awfully  thin,  not  a 

trace  of  b ,  Hella  has  much  more  figure.     And 

if  one  hasn't  any  by  the  time  one  is  20  one  is  not 
likely  to  get  one. 

Something  awfully  funny  happened  to-day.  Hella 
asked  me:  "I  say,  what's  the  Christian  name  of  that 
Dr.  who  is  dangling  after  your  sister?"  Then  it  struck 
me  for  the  first  time  that  on  his  visiting  cars  he  only 
has  Dr.  jur.  A.  Pruckmuller,  and  then  I  remembered 
that  last  summer,  when  we  first  made  his  acqaintance, 
Dora  said,  It's  a  pity  he's  called  August,  the  name 
does  not  suit  him  at  all.    Well,  we  laughed  till  we  felt 


274  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

quite  ill,  for  of  course  Hella  began  to  sing:  "O  du 
lieber  Augustin,"  and  then  I  thought  of  Der  dumme 
August  [clown's  nickname  in  circus]  and  we  wondered 
what  Dora  would  call  him.  Gusti  or  Gustel,  or  Augi, 
my  darling  Augi,  my  beloved  Gusterl,  oh  dear,  we  were 
in  fits  of  laughter.  Then  we  discussed  what  names 
we  should  like  to  have  for  our  husbands,  and  I  said: 
Ewald  or  Leo,  and  Hella  said:  Wouldn't  you  like 
Siegfried  ?  But  I  put  my  hand  on  her  mouth  and  said : 
"Shut  up,  or  you  will  make  me  really  angry,  that  is 
and  must  remain  forgotten."  She  said  what  she  would 
like  best  would  be  to  have  a  husband  called  Peter  or 
Thamian  or  Chrysostomus ;  then  for  a  pet  name  she 
would  use  Dami  or  Sosti;  and  then  she  said  quite 
seriously  that  she  would  only  marry  a  man  called 
Egon,  or  Alexander,  or  at  least  Georg.  Just  at  that 
moment  her  mother  came  in  to  call  us  to  tea,  and  she 
said:  "What's  all  that  about  Alexander  and  Georg? 
You  are  such  dreadful  girls.  If  you  are  alone  to- 
gether for  a  couple  of  minutes  (I  had  come  at  j4  past  2 
and  the  Brs.  have  tea  at  4,  and  that's  what  Hella's 
mother  calls  2  minutes),  you  begin  to  talk  of  unsuit- 
able things."  Hella  was  afraid  her  mother  would 
think  God  knows  what,  so  she  said:  "Oh  no,  Mother, 
we  were  only  discussing  what  names  we  should  like 
our  fiances  to  have."  You  ought  to  have  seen  how 
her  mother  went  on.  "That's  just  it,  that  when  you 
are  barely  15  (I'm  not  15  yet)  you  should  have  noth- 
ing but  such  things  in  your  heads!"  Such  things, 
how  absurd.  At  tea  it  was  almost  as  dull  as  it  was 
the  other  evening  at  home;  for  the  Herr  Baron  was 
there,  that  is,  they  all  say  Du  to  one  another  now,  for 
the  wedding  is  to  be  in  February,  as  soon  as  it  is  set- 
tled whether  the  Baron  is  to  stay  in  London  or  to  be 
transferred  to  Berlin.    It  must  be  funny  to  say  "Du" 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  275 

to  a  strange  man.  Hella  says  she  soon  got  used  to  it, 
and  that  she  likes  Paul  well  enough.  When  he  brings 
Lizzi  sweets,  when  he  is  taking  her  to  the  theatre,  he 
always  gives  Hella  a  box  for  herself.  Other  people 
would  certainly  not  do  that,  and  I  know  other  people 
who  wouldn't  accept  it.  When  I  got  home,  Father 
said:  Well,  another  time  I  think  you'd  better  stay 
and  sleep  at  the  Brs.,  and  I  said:  I  did  not  want  to 
be  a  killjoy  here.  And  Oswald  said :  "What  you  need 
is  a  box  on  the  ear,"  Father  was  luckily  out  of  the 
room  already  and  so  I  said:  "Your  children,  if  you 
ever  have  any,  can  be  kept  in  order  by  boxing  their 
ears  till  they  are  green  and  blue,  but  you  have  no 
rights  over  your  sisters,  Father  told  you  so  in  Fieber- 
brunn."  "Oh,  I  know  Father  always  backs  you  two 
up,  he  has  done  so  from  the  first."  "Please  don't 
draw  me  into  your  quarrels,"  said  Dora,  as  if  she  had 
been  something  quite  different  from  me.  And  then 
Aunt  Dora  said:  "I  do  wish  you  would  not  keep  on 
quarreling."  "I  didn't  begin  it,"  said  I,  and  went 
away  without  saying  goodnight;  that  is  I  went  to 
Father's  room  to  say  goodnight  to  him  and  I  saw  Aunt 
Dora  in  the  hall,  but  I  didn't  say  goodnight  to  Oswald 
and  Dora,  for  I'm  not  going  to  put  up  with  everything. 
And  now  it's  Yi  past  1 1  already,  for  I  have  been  writing 
such  a  long  time,  and  have  cried  such  a  lot,  for  I'm 
very  unhappy.  Even  Hella  doesn't  know  how  un- 
happy I  am.  I  must  go  to  bed  now;  whether  I  shall 
sleep  or  not  is  another  question.  If  I  can  possibly 
manage  it,  I  shall  go  alone  to  the  cemetery  to-morrow. 
31st.  Hella  and  I  went  to  the  cemetery  to-day. 
Her  father  and  mother  returned  to  Cracow  yesterday 
evening,  and  she  told  her  grandmother  she  was  going 
to  spend  the  morning  with  me,  and  I  said  I  was  going 
to  the  Brs.,  so  we  went  alone  to  Potzleinsdorf.    Hella 


276  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

went  for  a  walk  round  the  cemetery  while  I  went  to 
darling  Mother's  grave.  I  am  so  unhappy ;  Hella  con- 
soles me  as  much  as  she  can,  but  even  she  can't  under- 
stand. 

January  1,  19 — !  Of  course  we  did  not  keep  New 
Year's  Eve  yesterday,  but  were  quite  alone  and  it 
was  very  melancholy.  This  morning  Dr.  P.  brought 
Dora  and  Aunt  Dora  some  roses  and  he  gave  me  some 
lovely  violets  as  a  New  Year's  greeting.  He  is  leaving 
on  the  4th,  so  he  is  coming  here  on  the  evening  of 
the  3rd.  I  can't  say  I  look  forward  to  it.  To-morrow 
school  begins  thank  goodness.  I  met  a  dust  cart,  that 
means  good  luck;  Father  says  it  is  a  scandal  the  way 
the  dirt  carts  go  on  all  through  the  day  in  Vienna, 
and  that  one  should  see  one  even  on  New  Year's  day 
at  2  in  the  afternoon.    But  still,  if  it  means  good  luck! 

January  2nd.  The  dust  cart  did  bring  good  luck. 
We  had  a  real  piece  of  luck  to-day !  In  the  big  inter- 
val I  noticed  a  little  knot  of  girls  in  the  hall,  and  sud- 
denly I  felt  as  if  my  heart  would  stop  beating.  Frau 
Doktor  M.,  I  should  say  Frau  Professor  Theyer,  was 
standing  among  them,  she  saw  us  directly  and  held  out 
her  hand  to  us  so  we  kissed  it.  She  has  come  to  visit 
her  parents  and  her  husband  is  with  her;  since  she 
did  not  know  for  certain  whether  she  would  be  able 
to  come  to  the  school  she  had  not  written  either  to 
me  or  to  Hella  about  it.  She  is  so  lovely  and  so  en- 
trancingly  loveable.  When  the  bell  rang  for  class  and 
Frau  Doktor  Dunker  came  in  I  saw  that  she  was  still 
standing  outside.  So  I  put  my  handkerchief  up  to  my 
face  as  if  my  nose  were  bleeding,  and  rushed  out  to 
her.  And  because  I  slipped  and  nearly  fell,  she  held 
out  her  arms  to  me.  Hardly  had  I  reached  her,  when 
Hella  came  out  and  said:  "Of  course  I  understood 
directly;  I  said  you  were  awfully  bad,  so  I  must  go 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  277 

and  look  after  you."  Then  the  Frau  Professor  laughed 
like  anything  and  said:  "You  are  such  wicked  little 
actresses;  I  must  send  you  back  immediately."  But 
of  course  she  did  not  but  was  frightfully  sweet.  Then 
we  begged  her  to  let  us  stay  with  her,  but  she  said: 
"No,  no,  I've  been  your  teacher  here,  and  I  must  not 
encourage  you  in  mischief.  But  here  is  a  better  idea. 
Would  you  like  to  come  and  see  me  to-morrow?" 
"Rather,"  we  both  exclaimed.  She  said  she  was  stay- 
ing in  a  hotel,  but  we  must  not  come  alone  to  a  hotel, 
so  she  would  see  us  at  her  parents,  in  Schwindgasse, 
and  we  were  to  come  there  at  4  or  Yz  past.  Then  we 
kissed  both  her  hands  and  were  so  happy !  To-morrow 
at  4 !  Oh  dear,  a  whole  night  more  and  nearly  a  whole 
day  to  wait.  "If  your  parents  allow  you,"  she  said; 
as  if  Father  or  even  Hella's  grandmother  would  not 
allow  that!  All  Father  said  was:  "All  right  Gretel, 
but  don't  go  quite  off  your  head  first  or  you  won't  be 
able  to  find  your  way  to  Schwindgasse.  Is  Hella  as 
crazy  as  you  are?"  Of  course,  how  can  one  be  other- 
wise? 

January  3rd.  Still  2  hours,  it's  awful,  Hella  is  com- 
ing to  fetch  me  at  Yi  past  3.  In  school  to-day  we  kept 
on  looking  at  one  another,  and  all  the  other  girls 
thought  it  must  be  something  to  do  with  a  man.  Good- 
ness, what  do  we  care  about  a  man  now!  We  had  a 
splendid  idea,  that  we  had  just  time  to  make  a  mem- 
ento for  her,  since  she  does  not  leave  until  the  evening 
of  the  5th.  I  am  having  traced  on  a  piece  of  yellow 
silk  for  a  book  marker  an  edelweiss  and  her  monogram 
E.  T.,  the  new  one  of  course.  Hella  is  painting  a 
paperknife  in  imitation  of  tarsia  mosaic.  I  would 
rather  have  done  something  of  that  sort  too,  but  I  have 
no  patience  for  such  work,  so  I  often  spoil  it  before 
I've  finished.    But  one  can't  very  well  spoil  a  piece  of 


278  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

embroidery.  But  I  shan't  get  the  tracing  on  the  silk 
back  from  the  shop  until  l/2  past  3,  so  I  shall  have  to 
work  all  night  and  the  whole  day  to-morrow. 

Evening.  Thank  goodness  and  confound  it,  which- 
ever way  you  like  to  take  it,  the  idiot  at  the  shop  had 
forgotten  about  the  bookmarker  and  I  shan't  get  it 
until  to-morrow  morning  early.  So  I'm  able  to  write 
now:  It  was  heavenly !  We  had  to  walk  up  and  down 
in  front  of  her  house  for  at  least  Yz  an  hour,  until 
at  last  it  was  5  minutes  past  4.  She  was  so  sweet 
to  us!  She  wanted  to  say  Sie  to  us,  but  we  simply 
would  not  have  it,  and  so  she  said  Du  as  she  used  to. 
We  talked  of  all  sorts  of  things,  I  don't  know  what, 
only  that  I  suddenly  burst  out  crying,  and  then  she 

drew  me  to  her  b ,  no,  I  can't  write  that  about  her ; 

she  drew  me  to  herself  and  than  I  felt  her  heart  beat- 
ing! and  went  almost  crazy.  Hella  says  that  I 
put  both  my  arms  round  her  neck,  but  I'm  sure  that's 
all  imagination,  for  I  should  never  have  dared.  She 
has  such  fascinating  hands,  and  the  wedding  ring 
glistens  so  on  her  divine  ring  finger.  Of  course  we 
talked  about  the  school,  and  then  she  suddenly  said: 
Tell  me  what  really  happened  about  those  composi- 
tions, when  half  the  class  deliberately  refrained  from 
putting  any  punctuation  marks.  "Oh,"  we  said,  "that 
is  a  frightful  cram,  it  wasn't  half  the  class,  but  only  6 
of  us  who  have  a  special  veneration  for  you."  Then 
we  told  her  how  it  all  came  about.  She  laughed  a 
little,  and  said:  "Well,  girls,  you  did  not  do  me 
any  particular  service.  It  really  was  a  great  piece  of 
impertinence."  But  I  said:  "Prof.  Fritsch's  remarks 
were  10  times  more  impertinent,  for  they  related  to 
another  member  of  the  staff,  and  what  was  worse  to 
you."  Then  she  said:  "My  darling  girls,  that  often 
happens  in  life,  that  the  absent  are  given  a  bad  reputa- 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  279 

tion,  whether  justly  or  unjustly;  one  is  liable  to  that 
in  every  profession."  Hella  said  that  the  head  mistress 
was  not  like  that  or  there  would  have  been  a  frightful 
row,  since  the  matter  had  become  known  in  all  the 
High  Schools  of  Vienna.  Then  Frau  Doktor  M.  said: 
"Yes,  the  Frau  Direktorin  is  really  a  splendid  woman.'1 
Then  there  came  something  glorious,  or  really  2  glori- 
ous things:  1).  She  gave  us  some  magnificent  sweets, 
better  than  I  have  ever  eaten  before.  Hella  agrees,  and 
we  are  really  connoisseurs  in  the  matter  of  sweets. 
The  second  thing,  even  more  glorious,  was  this:  after 
we  had  been  there  some  time,  there  was  a  knock  at 
the  door  and  in  came  her  husband,  the  Herr  Prof., 
and  said:  "How  are  you  my  treasure?"  and  to  us: 
"Goodday,  young  ladies."  Then  she  introduced  us, 
saying:  "Two  of  my  best-loved  pupils  and  my  most 
faithful  adherents."  Then  the  Herr  Prof,  laughed  a 
great  deal  and  said:  "That  can't  be  said  of  all 
pupils."  So  I  said  quickly:  "Oh  yes,  it  can  be  said 
of  Frau  Doktor,  the  whole  class  would  go  through 
fire  for  her."  Then  he  went  away,  and  she  said: 
"Excuse  me  for  a  moment,"  and  we  could  hear  quite 
plainly  that  he  kissed  her  in  the  next  room,  and  then 
she  said  as  she  came  in  again:  "Oh  well,  be  off  with 
you,  Karl,  goodbye."  It's  a  pity  his  name  is  Karl, 
it's  so  prosaic,  and  he  calls  her  Lise,  and  I  expect 
when  they  are  alone  he  calls  her  Lieschen,  since  he 
is  a  North  German.  I  must  go  to  bed,  it's  T/>  past  1 1 
already.  To  be  continued  to-morrow.  Sleep  well, 
my  sweet  glorious  ecstatic  golden  and  only  treasure! 
God,  I  am  so  happy. 

January  6th.  Thank  goodness  to-day  is  a  holiday, 
and  we  can't  go  tobogganing  because  Dora  has  a 
chill! ! !  I  got  the  bookmarker  on  the  4th,  worked  at 
it  all  day  and  up  till  midnight,  and  yesterday  I  got  up 


280  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIAk  i 

at  l/z  past  5,  went  on  working  the  whole  morning,  and 
at  2  o'clock  we  took  our  mementoes  to  the  house. 
Though  we  should  have  liked  to  give  them  to  her 
ourselves,  we  didn't,  but  only  gave  them  to  the  maid. 
She  said:  Shall  I  show  you  in?  but  Hella  said: 
"No,  thank  you,  we  don't  want  to  disturb  Frau  Theyer, 
and  when  I  reproached  her  for  this  she  said:  Oh  no, 
it  was  better  not;  you  are  quite  upset  anyhow,  you 
know  what  she  said :  But  my  dear  child,  you  will  make 
yourself  ill;  you  must  not  do  that  on  my  account!" 
Oh  dear,  I'm  crying  so  that  I  can  hardly  write, 
but  I  must  write,  for  there  is  still  so  much  that's  glori- 
ous to  put  down,  things  that  I  must  never,  never  forget, 
even  if  it  should  take  me  a  week  to  write.  The  great 
thing  is  that  I  shall  simply  live  upon  this  memory, 
and  the  only  thing  I  want  in  life  is  that  I  may  see 
her  once  more.  Of  course  we  took  her  some  flowers  on 
Friday,  I  lilies  of  the  valley  with  violets  and  tuberoses, 
and  Hella  Christmas  roses.  She  was  delighted,  and 
went  directly  to  fetch  2  vases  which  her  mother  brought 
in.  She  is  as  small  as  Frau  Richter,  and  her  hair 
is  grey,  she  is  charming;  but  she  is  not  in  the  least 
like  Frau  Doktor  M.  When  we  said  goodbye  she 
offered  us  still  more  sweets,  but  since  we  were  both 
nearly  crying  already  we  did  not  want  to  take  any 
more,  but  she  wrapped  them  nearly  all  up  for  us,  say- 
ing :  "To  console  you  in  your  sorrow."  From  anyone 
else  it  might  have  sounded  ironical,  but  from  her  it 
was  simply  lovely.  There  were  17  large  sweets,  and 
Hella  gave  me  9  of  them  and  took  only  8  for  herself. 
I  shall  eat  only  one  every  day,  so  that  they  will  last 
me  9  days.  Joy  and  sorrow  combined!  !  Hella  is  not 
so  frightfully  in  love  as  I  am,  and  yesterday  she  said, 
in  joke  of  course:  "It  seems  to  me  that  your  whole 
world  is  foundered ;  I  must  pull  you  out,  or  you'll  be 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  281 

drowned."  And  then  she  asked  me  how  I  could  have 
been  so  stupid  as  to  use  the  word  honeymoon  to  her, 
although  she  hemmed  to  warn  me.  She  said  it  really 
was  utterly  idiotic  of  me,  and  that  the  Frau  Prof, 
blushed.  I  did  not  notice  it  myself,  but  when  her 
husband  came  in,  she  certainly  did  flush  up  like  any- 
thing. Hella  and  I  talked  of  quite  a  lot  of  other  things 
of  that  sort.  I  should  so  much  have  liked  to  ask  her 
whether  she  has  given  up  going  to  church,  for  I  think 
the  Herr  Prof,  really  is  a  Jew,  though  he  does  not  look 
like  one.  For  lots  of  other  men  wear  black  beards. 
But  I  did  not  venture  to  ask,  and  Hella  thinks  it  is 
a  very  good  thing  I  did  not,  for  one  does  not  talk  about 
such  things.  I  wonder  whether  she  will  have  a  baby? 
Oh,  it  would  be  horrible.  Of  course  she  may  have 
entered  into  a  marriage  contract,  that  would  have  been 
the  best  way.  However,  Hella  thinks  that  the  pro- 
fessor would  not  have  agreed  to  anything  of  the  kind. 
But  surely  if  he  was  frantically  in  love  with  her  .  .  . 
January  15th.  The  girls  in  our  class  are  frantically 
jealous.  We  did  not  say  in  so  many  words  that  we, 
alone  among  them  all,  had  been  invited  to  see  her, 
but  Hella  had  brought  one  of  the  sweets  she  had  given 
us  and  in  the  interval  she  said:  This  must  be  eaten 
reverently,  and  she  cut  it  in  two  to  give  me  half.  The 
Ehrenfelds  thought  it  must  have  been  given  by  some 
acquaintance  made  at  the  skating  rink,  and  Trude 
said:  "Doubly  sweetened,  by  chocolate  and  love." 
"Yes,"  said  I,  "but  not  in  the  sense  you  imagine." 
And  since  she  said:  "Oh,  of  course,  I  know  all  about 
that,  but  I  don't  want  to  be  indiscreet,"  Hella  said: 
"I  may  as  well  tell  you  that  Frau  Doktor  M.,  or  1 
should  say  the  married  Frau  Prof.  Theyer,  gave  us 
this  sweet  and  a  great  many  more  on  the  day  she  had 
invited  us  to  go  and  see  her."     Then  they  were  all 


282  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

utterly  kerblunxed  and  said:  "Great  Scott,  what 
luck,  but  you  always  were  Frau  Doktor  M.'s  favourites, 
especially  Lainer.  But  Lainer  always  courted  Frau 
Doktor  M." 

January  17th.  The  whole  school  knows  about  our 
being  invited  to  see  her,  the  glorious  one!  I've  just 
been  reading  it  over,  and  I  see  that  I  have  left  a  fright- 
ful lot  out,  especially  about  her  father.  When  we  were 
leaving,  just  outside  the  house  door  we  burst  out  cry- 
ing because  as  I  opened  the  door  I  had  said,  For  the 
last  time!  Just  then  an  old  gentleman  came  up  and 
was  about  to  go  in,  and  when  he  saw  that  we  were 
crying,  though  we  were  standing  quite  in  the  shadow, 
he  came  up  to  us  and  asked  what  was  the  matter. 
Then  Hella  said:  "We  have  lost  out  best  friend." 
Then  the  old  gentleman  looked  at  us  for  a  tremen- 
dously long  time  and  said:  "I  say,  do  you  happen  to 
be  the  two  ardent  admirers  of  Frau  Doktor  Mallburg? 
She  is  my  daughter,  you  know.  And  then  he  said: 
But  you  really  can't  go  through  the  streets  bathed  in 
tears  like  that.  Come  upstairs  again  with  me  and 
my  daughter  wrill  console  you."  So  we  really  did  go 
upstairs  again,  and  she  was  perfectly  unique.  Her 
father  opened  the  door  and  called  out:  Lieserl,  your 
admirers  simply  can't  part  from  you,  and  I  found 
them  being  washed  out  to  sea  in  a  river  of  tears.  Then 
she  came  out  wearing  a  rose-coloured  dressing- 
gown!  ! !  exquisite.  And  she  led  us  into  the  room  and 
said:  "Girls,  you  must  not  look  at  me  in  this  old  rag, 
which  is  only  fit  to  throw  away."  I  should  have  liked 
to  say:  "Give  it  to  me  then."  But  of  course  I  could 
not.  And  when  we  made  our  final  goodbye,  perhaps 
for  ever,  she  kissed  each  of  us  twice  over  and  said: 
Girls,  I  wish  you  all  the  happiness  in  the  world! 

January  18th.     Hella  invited  me  there  to-day,  to 


LAST  HALF-YEAR  283 

meet  Lajos  and  Jeno.  But  I'm  not  going,  for  Jeno 
does  not  interest  me  in  the  very  least.  That  was  not 
a  real  love.  I  don't  care  for  anyone  in  the  whole  world 
except  her,  my  one  and  only !  Even  Hella  can't  under- 
stand that,  in  fact  she  thinks  it  dotty.  Father  wanted 
me  to  go  to  Hella's  to  change  the  current  of  my 
thoughts.  Of  course  I  hardly  say  a  word  about  her 
to  anyone,  for  no  one  understands  me.  But  I  never 
could  have  believed  that  Father  would  be  just  like 
anyone  else.  It's  quite  true  that  I'm  getting  thin. 
I'm  so  glad  that  we  are  not  going  tobogganing  to-day 
because  Dora  has  a  chill,  a  real  chill  this  time.  So 
I  am  going  to  the  church  in  Schwindgasse  and  shall 
walk  up  and  down  in  front  of  her  house;  perhaps  I 
shall  meet  her  father  or  her  mother.  I  wrote  to  her 
the  day  before  yesterday. 

January  24th.  I  am  so  happy.  She  wrote  to  me 
by  return!  This  is  the  second  letter  I  have  had  from 
her!  At  dinner  to-day  Father  said:  "Hullo,  Gretel, 
why  are  you  looking  so  happy  to-day?  I  have  not  seen 
you  with  such  a  sunny  face  for  a  long  time."  So  I 
answered  in  as  few  words  as  possible:  "After  dinner 
I  will  tell  you  why."  For  the  others  need  not  know 
anything  about  it.  And  when  I  told  Father  vaguely 
that  Frau  Prof.  Th.  had  written  to  me,  Father  said: 
"Oh,  is  that  what  has  pleased  you  so  much.  But  I 
have  something  up  my  sleeve  which  will  also  please 
you.  February  1st  and  2nd  are  Sunday  and  Monday, 
you  have  2  days  free,  and  if  you  and  Hella  can  get 
a  day  off  from  school  on  Saturday  we  might  make  an 
excursion  to  Mariazell.  How  does  that  strike  you?" 
It  would  be  glorious,  if  only  Hella  is  allowed  to  come, 
for  her  grandmother  imagines  that  the  sore  throat  she 
had  before  Christmas  was  due  to  the  tobogganing  on 
the  Anninger,  where  the  sole  was  torn  off  her  shoe! 


284  A  YOUNG  GIRL'S  DIARY 

As  if  we  could  help  that.  Still,  by  good  luck  she  may 
have  forgotten  it;  she  is  63  already,  and  one  forgets 
a  lot  when  one  is  that  age. 

Evening.  Hella  may  come;  it  will  be  splendid! 
Perhaps  we  shall  try  a  little  skiing.  But  really  Hella 
is  a  horrid  pig;  she  said:  "All  right,  I'll  come,  if 
you'll  promise  not  to  be  continually  talking  about  Frau 
Professor  Th.  I'm  very  fond  of  her  too,  but  you 
are  simply  crazy  about  her."  It's  really  too  bad,  and 
I  shall  never  mention  her  name  to  the  others  any  more. 
I  am  looking  forward  so  to  the  tobogganing  at  Maria- 
zell.  We've  never  made  any  such  excursion  in  winter 
before.  Hurrah,  it  will  be  glorious !  Oh  I  do  wish  the 
31st  of  January  were  here;  I'm  frantically  excited. 


EDITOR'S  NOTE 

Rita's  joyful  expectations  of  tobogganing  among  glistening 
snow-clad  hills,  remained  unfulfilled.  The  rude  hand  of  fate 
was  thrust  into  the  lives  of  the  two  sisters.  On  January  29th 
their  father,  suddenly  struck  down  with  paralysis,  was  brought 
home  in  an  ambulance,  and  died  in  a  few  hours  without  recover- 
ing consciousness. 

Torn  from  the  sheltering  and  affectionate  atmosphere  of  home, 
separated  from  her  most  intimate  friend,  the  young  orphan  had 
to  struggle  for  peace  of  soul  in  the  isolation  of  a  provincial 
town  —  • — ■  — 


285 


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